I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

And so it is. We've been very fortunate here this year and it hasn't snowed too much. Last year was just awful, ungodly amounts of snow was just dumped upon us here. Tonight, it is snowing lightly. I suppose one of the nice things about being a homebody is that I don't have to worry about driving in the snow or scraping my car.

I am experiencing some anticipatory anxiety for Christmas but still looking forward to it. All I want for Christmas is to have a peaceful, relatively anxiety free one. I've been a bit sick as well, which is definitely not helping. I had awful worries about getting a cold but it seems to have passed quickly. Here's to hoping it's gone. *fingers crossed* Christmas is my favorite holiday and I really just want to be able to look forward to spending it with my family rather than worry about what may happen.

I feel pretty blessed to have family and friends who are close enough to be family in my life. I am glad that I was able to get all my shopping done despite having issues with agoraphobia lately. I have so many wonderful memories as a child from Christmas. I remember the year I was convinced I had heard Santa's reindeer on my rooftop and seen him leaving presents under the tree. I am definitely enjoying vegging out around the house and watching Christmas movies. I love the newer Miracle on 34th Street, Elf (seriously, it's not Christmas without this movie, I love Will Ferrel), and a Charlie Brown Christmas.

I am a bit sad that I was so looking forward to spending Christmas with my ex but it's the way the cookie crumbles. I miss him quite often but am doing my best to let him go. As you can probably tell from past posts, I have very bitter moments and very loving moments towards him. Hopefully, once it gets easier I hope only love will remain.

Happy Holidays to you all :) I hope you all have wonderful, anxiety-free holidays!

Here's what I am currently listening to, my favorite Christmas music.

Countdown to the end of the year.

This past year has just been a mess. It's really been an unpleasant year. I am looking forward to putting it behind me and hope that 2011 brings in new beginnings. I feel like I've watched myself slowly decline over the past year, losing all that I had built up and losing myself in another. Someone who doesn't understand the sacrifices I made, that he wasn't the only one making them. I wonder what the point was now, it ended so badly. I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will love me the way I am, all of me and understand my limits and respect them. Who will stick with me through the hard stuff.

Anyway..

So I finally got around to taking a full pill. I've been taking them while I am calm to see if they cause me any extra anxiety. I do get a bit anxious at first but if I don't think about it too much, I end up being okay. Well a full pill didn't do much, but I was already calm and at home so I took another full pill the next day and went out. I got anxious about taking a full one and being out so I ended up coming home in a bit of an anxious state anyway. Now I don't want to take them at all again. *sigh* I am on a really low dose and my therapist told me to just take another one. It's taken me months to build up to taking one, do I really want to take another one? Um, let's see....NO. I don't.

So now I am completely frustrated. I keep on seeing less and less possibilities of living a life free of anxiety if I can't even take the steps I need to get there. Then I fall into deep depression, not seeing a way out. It's like a cruel circle I am stuck in, some sort of..samsara. I keep on finding hope, then losing it and being heartbroken. I don't know how long I can keep dealing with this heartbreak over and over again. I found my way into this unknowingly and now I can't find my way out.

I'm a bit anxious about Christmas coming up. I had a lot of anxiety over Thanksgiving but I also didn't feel very good so I hope it goes better. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday but this year, I just don't have the energy to get excited. Even in the past, when I've been in a down state, I still look forward but I think this year I had so much invested in being excited about having someone else to celebrate it with that it's been hard for me to get excited now that it's lost. I am glad to have family to celebrate it with, but my family never really gets into Christmas much. I was ready to have someone to start traditions with. I guess on the bright side, maybe the next person I will meet will understand me more as a person and have less expectations of me to be the person they want me to be. And also, the weather is so much less severe than last year. I am not counting down till the year is over. I hope the new year brings in a much better year...

Just one of those days.

Today is one of those days where I feel like pulling out my hair in frustration. I am so angry and just tired. I feel like I'm in some sort of Groundhog Day situation. Same thing, new day. I know I need to change to get out of this rut but I don't even know how. All the routes out have some sort of road block. Why can't I just do the things I need to do to change!?! Why must things be so scary? I am so tired of fighting...myself. It's exhausting and nobody is winning. Why am I standing in my own way? Why am I my own brick wall?

The days where the anxiety is just simmering are the days I have hope. The days where it is boiling, make me just want to give up. I am exhausted with myself. I'm especially tied of the persistent dark thoughts looming around in my mind. Why can't I just take my meds? Why can't therapy just help? Why do I keep finding myself here? I don't think there is a day in the past two months that I haven't cried.

I am so terrified of taking the meds. I had such a terrible reaction to the last one, I've developed a fear of them. But I want my freedom back. I don't want to be plagued with this fear anymore. But I also don't want to be dependent on a medication or get addicted for that matter. I also don't want to have another bad reaction again, I couldn't even take vitamins for months after that last time I was so scared. So far as far as I get is smashing up a pill and taking maybe half of it but I can't seem to take a full one and I haven't noticed any changed from the half other than my own mind freaking itself out. All I can think sometimes is "omg I just took a pill, what is something happens?"

I'm going to end up with patches of my hair pulled out.

Counting my blessings

This is my favorite time of year, only because of the holidays! I must admit, I tend to "hibernate" during winter and I hate the cold weather but Christmas and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays. Luckily, it has not snowed yet around here even if it has gotten cold. Today had it's ups and downs. I've been more cheerful than usual but I did have some strong anxiety right as everyone was arriving for dinner. And I've been having some stomach problems lately so I wasn't able to really eat much but it was nice to see the family. It does frustrate me that anxiety reared it's ugly head on such a nice day but it's over now.

Even though things have been really difficult lately and sometimes it really seems like my world is toppling down upon me, I do realize that I have many things to be grateful for.

I am thankful that I have a family to spend the holidays with. I am lucky that my family accepts who I am even if I'm not always understood and have had issues with it in the past. I am thankful that I have a family that gives me the space to figure out what I need to do for myself and provides me with a place to stay. I am thankful to have a family who loves me.

I am also thankful for the wonderful friends I am surrounded with. I am very lucky to be blessed with friendships of all sorts, even those that are close enough to be family. My friends really have pulled me through some very difficult times and have pulled me out of the darkness. I don't know where I would be without my close friends and I am thankful to be cared for so much.

This past year, the relationship I have been in has been very difficult. I felt like we had a lot of things working against us, most of the time. And with how everything ended, it has been very hurtful and confusing but I am thankful for the love that he gave me at one time. The times we were able to spend together and enjoy the time was wonderful. I feel lucky to have been loved by him.

I am also thankful that even though life seems cruel at times, I still have it pretty good. It is just hard to see the light through the clouds sometimes. I can only hope that I will walk away a stronger person. I am so ready to break free of this loop I seem to be stuck in. I can look back and somehow even when things are hard, I've still been taken care of and I feel very blessed for that. I am grateful for the ability to connect with others. I thank God for all the love that surrounds me.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Here I go again.

It's been a rough month. Actually, when I think about it, it's been a rough year. I feel like everything that I worked towards last year, slowly slid out of my view this year. I don't know what happened, I was rather happy around the start of the year. I feel like I lost myself and everything I had worked so hard to get, slowly slid out of my view again. I feel heartbroken but not only over a relationship but over life itself right now. And I know my biggest hurdle is myself. *sigh*

I wonder if getting into a relationship was the best idea. I still had a lot of things I needed to do for myself. It has always been hard for me to balance being in a relationship and taking care of myself at the same time. Most people end up walking away feeling I am selfish and concrete in my ways. I wish that these guys would listen to me when I tell them what to expect. I guess words are much different than actually having to experience it. I am an affectionate person by nature though and it's difficult for me to ignore my desires for a relationship. I love having someone in my life, it's like I am able to get out of my head in a way. I have someone else to focus on. I just hope that one of these days somebody walks into my life who can accept me, as I am.

I suppose however, first I have to accept myself as I am. I keep feeling that I'd be a much better person, a happier person if I just didn't have the anxiety but in reality it's formed a lot of who I am. Sometimes I just wish I could see myself through the eyes of someone who has loved me.

I now find myself in a very rough spot again. I am not getting out as much as possible and I've fallen into a deep depression. I feel as though I've stumbled into a trap and darkness has surrounded me and I can't find my way out. It's been very scary at times and my thoughts have wandered into dark territory. Familiar territory, as I've been here before but I had hoped never to find myself here again yet here I am.

As hurt as I am with my ex, I cannot help but to feel like maybe I was drowning and taking him down with me. Maybe it was all he could do to save himself from drowning with me was to finally cut the ties to me. I do feel as though I need a guy who has the strength to be able to go through such a rough time with me. I don't want someone who only sees the enjoyable times with me and then is blindsided when the bad hits. I want someone who can take the great and the terrible. But I understand that mostly it ends up being overwhelming. Is it a horrible thing to want someone who just won't be pushed away, overwhelmed, or blindsided by me? I am realizing that I really do need my find my own happiness. I am constantly trying to distract myself, is it really that bad to just sit with myself for awhile? I guess we will see.

So I am back to square one. I am spending time writing out positive affirmations, listening to my hypnotherapy cds and trying to dive deeper into myself. I am working on a new art project I hope will keep me busy. I am currently reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. It is a very beautifully written book. The author writes so poetically, and deeply. I meditate for about 20 minutes every night. I am still trying to find myself spiritually. I haven't found anything that fits yet and there's not a ton of ways to explore spirituality where I live. I suppose it doesn't help I won't go far away enough to really be able to explore it as well. I am a little bummed out because I am absolutely dying to see the new Harry Potter movie out but I find movies something difficult to do right now. *sigh* I am trying not to hate being here again but at times all my frustrations end up building up and exploding. I am always afraid that one of these times I am not going to be able to pick myself up or something worse. *sigh* Here I go again.

One big happy family...?

So one of the problems my previous relationship had was he wanted kids and I did not. I have often believed that I just did not want kids but lately I wonder if it's because of the agoraphobia. I am afraid that I would not be a good parent. What if things got bad and I couldn't leave the house to take my kid to the hospital if need be? What about the things I couldn't do with my kid? So many what-ifs. I've read a couple of other blogs with agoraphobic mothers and they do a wonderful job, but what if I can't? What if I can't rise to the occasion? At one point, I did want a family and to have kids but then I changed my mind. It's been back and forth over the years but mainly towards not wanting kids but ever since I've been serious enough to think about a family, I've been agoraphobic. What if it is blocking my desires with so much fear I really do believe I don't want it? I just don't know. My therapist told me I wasn't in a good place to decide something like that and she is probably right but I can't help but wonder. It's the main reason he can't be with me. I don't want to want kids so we can be together but I also don't want to miss out on having such an experience out of pure fear.

At one time, I used to hate going out to restaurants and movies. I really just thought I didn't like it but as I got more used to doing it and the fear stopped being so bad, I realized I really do enjoy those things. Even when anxiety is present I still realize it's not the activities that I detested but the feelings I believed they caused. I now love to go out to restaurants and it does make me sad when I get too anxious to go. I know that's quite a bit less serious than children but the idea is the same. Also, I fear getting pregnant because I'm afraid of getting physically sick. I would rather fall of a bridge than get sick. So the morning sickness is a HUGE scare.

I guess it just makes me really sad to have lost a relationship to something like this and in so, it really has made me think about it deeper than I had been thinking about it. It makes me ever sadder to think about being old and looking back on my life and seeing all the things I missed out on due to fear. I already look back and see all the things I didn't take the opportunity. I just don't want to realize that I did want kids when it is too late. I don't want to rule things out because of fear. I want to be making my own decisions based on my heart and soul.

Give time some time.

So I know I've posted a bit about my relationship status on and off and once again I find that it is off. I'm a little more okay with things being over than last time but I am really hurt about how it all went and how someone could be so hurtful. Of all people to act that way, I never expected him to and it really hurt and shocked me. After everything this morning, I think that maybe he had checked out of what we had a couple weeks ago. I hit a really low point and I think why it is best I stay away from him so I don't go there again.

But it makes me really sad, I wanted to be with him and I loved him very much. I loved to spend time with him. I went from being someone who liked doing everything on my own to wanting him to be there for things. I think what makes me saddest, other than how he acted about things after, is that he walked away feeling like I didn't love him. We had several problems but one of them was the agoraphobia. I had stopped going to his place because it was way too far out of my comfort zone and he was getting tired of coming out to see me. He would so we could spend time together but I know he was getting tired of it. He also felt that because I didn't try to see him that I didn't want to be with him enough, or that I didn't appreciate him enough. I guess I have my own pain too, I wonder if he really loved me also or if I will just become another one that when he looks back, it wasn't really there.

But that comes back to my questioning of how on earth does someone with agoraphobia date? I've yet to really meet someone who doesn't eventually grow weary of the things I struggle with. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will or if it will just keep getting in the way. I'm a romantic at heart so even when I feel broken beyond repair, there's always a sliver to start rebuilding.

I guess it's time to start rebuilding. I'm so hurt after everything that went down though. I guess I hope that someday the love I give is the love someone is looking for. Time to give time some time to heal.

A break in the storm.

During a rainstorm, there is always a time where the rain stops, the clouds part just slightly, and the sunlight shines through. It may begin to rain again or the clouds may disperse and the sun will come out but you never really know. That's where I am right now. I feel like a little beam of sunlight has broken through the clouds and is providing me with some much needed light. It may start raining again, or maybe the sunlight will shine through stronger, but for now, I am glad for the break in the storm.

I've felt much less unhappy lately. Even appreciative. I do find myself falling into bad moods easier but they don't seem to be as deep as they were a few weeks ago. I've been re-reading a book called Count Your Blessings and I think that it has helped me find balance in my situation and keep my hope up for the future which ultimately makes a difference. Often I feel like if I did not have agoraphobia and anxiety my life would be so much better and I would be a better person. But I think I tend to downsize the benefits that I have gotten from it as well. I am quite sure it has kept me out of getting myself into trouble and searching for a deeper meaning in life. It has also helped me build about of my beliefs today and on how I treat other people. More often than not, it is easier for me to see how much it encumbers my life though but maybe one day that will change if I can keep hoping.

It has helped that I have been a bit busier lately. I've got a couple of paintings lined up to sell and also have been working on a scrapbook which I have pretty much fallen in love with doing. It's also crossed my mind that I would like to write a children's book. It's just an idea in my head right now but it's gotten me looking forward to the future and coming up with ideas. It's also something I can do from home which is appealing as well. Still, I do not know if I can come up with an interesting idea so who knows.

I've also been able to maintain my sessions with my therapist so far. I had some anxiety once but I made it all the way to her office at least and she came down and we sat outside and talked. Sometimes I get so far as the place but then I won't want to go inside or upstairs or the last few blocks. My comfort area has shrank and I have no longer been going downtown or really anywhere near there but hopefully I'll get back to broadening things again.

It does make me a bit apprehensive that winter is just around the corner. It's so much harder to get around and it's a lot harder to motivate me to get out. And I really dislike the cold. Last winter was so rough, there was so much snow and it was depressing everyone here! Hopefully this winter will be better.

Bad days

There are days where I just feel like I am going to explode. Literally explode. Today has been one of those days. I feel like every little thing is magnified and so I get upset over things that don't even matter. I feel like my thoughts are taking a battering ram to my confidence. Which has already taken a couple of hits and below the belt jabs. I just feel so clumsy, useless and weak lately. I see the road ahead of me and I wonder if I'll ever be able to walk it. All I've been doing is cowering in front of the fork in the road between the easy familiar route and the route I need to take and always choosing the familiar route then wondering why I end up back at the fork in the road again.

When I look at things, I realize I have been dealing with this problem for probably a little over 13 years, maybe more. All of the problems I've been dealing with, they are the same ones I was dealing with when I was 18. I'm almost 28. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do the things I need to do to change???

I'm tired of people telling me all I need to do is change and that when I really want it to happen, it will happen. I want it to happen NOW. I'm tired of being spoken to as if I am overlooking the obvious and I just don't want it enough. I think anyone who has ever dealt with anxiety really wants it bad enough to want to change. Fear is a strong adversary though. I feel like I am in a dark room and the only light is in a small corner of the room so I am huddled by the light too afraid to move because I can't see where I am going or what I am doing. Sometimes I really just don't think I am strong enough to do what needs to be done. When I try to boost myself up or do positive affirmations, there's a voice in the back of my mind that just doesn't believe it. When I will I believe? Will I ever?

Relationships

I miss him everyday.

I wonder when I will wake up and not miss him anymore. When I will be able to look back at what we shared and not feel sad. When I will stop hoping every phone call or text is him. I know it's better that we don't talk so I don't know why I hope for that, sometimes I wonder if I stopped knowing what's good for me. I guess on the bright side I didn't actually cry myself to sleep last night for the first time since we broke up but that may have something to do with being out till almost 5:30 in the morning.

This week has just felt like it's one bad thing after another. Finally getting to see the psychiatrist and then having it be a total let down was probably the worst though. I had been so excited to have the appointment thinking that it would help me on my way to helping myself and it just ended up being a total disappointment. She felt like there was no reason for applying for medicare since I won't be dealing with agoraphobia forever and told me if she was on the medicare board she would turn me down. Well, I don't expect to have it forever either, and from what I understand you are only on it till you can function enough to supply yourself with health care on your own. Being on medicare would help with paying for therapy visits and medicine if I go that route. This would help me out quite a bit as I stop seeing therapists when I can't afford to anymore. Yet, she did tell me she agreed I had agoraphobia to a debilitating extent. Along with some other reasons, I do not think I will be seeing her again. It kind of put me off for a few days but I think maybe I have another route to try.

The week ended at least with a nice night out on Saturday. One of my dj friends was playing out towards my neck of the woods and so I went to see him play and met some new people and caught up with some old friends. I haven't seen him for a few months so it was nice that he let me know he was going to be out west. I ended up going with them to an after hours, something I rarely do but it was very chill. I had my first veggie burger, and I'm hooked. I still love hamburgers of course, but it was pretty good. I got to talk to some friends I haven't talked to for ages and it felt great to see them. We ended up talking till 5:30 in the morning. I fell asleep feeling happy, prob the first time I've fallen asleep happy since the break up.

When I look back at the past year and a half, I realize that I've never really just been alone. There's always been someone around. It just seems like whenever someone walks out, somebody else is ready to walk right in. Since the break up, there have already been a couple guys that want to try dating and I swear, I must give off some sort of signal when I am single because I've been getting hit on frequently when I am out on the weekends. It's a nice feeling yet no part of me is remotely interested in someone new. I know it hasn't been too long since we broke up but for some reason, I don't think that'll change anytime soon. Other than the fact I still can't look at anybody how I look at him, I think it'd be good for me to just be alone. For the first time after being in a relationship, I am afraid of moving on. Maybe I am slightly jaded. Usually I am hopeful that it wasn't meant to be and I will meet someone who is a better match but this time I am afraid of giving someone my heart only to have them throw it back at me. It's been a long time since I really looked at the relationship I have with myself. I look at how I treat myself and how I treat the people I love and I wonder how I could do some of the things I do to myself if I love myself. Which kind of makes me feel like maybe I don't unconditionally love myself. I'd never do or say the things I say to myself to them so why do I say it to myself? I've lost so much of myself in the past few months that I think it is time to figure that out.

Cave In

"Get me out of this cavern, or I'll cave in."

~Owl City Lyrics

Lately, I just feel like everything is caving in on me and I don't have enough strength to stop it all from tumbling down on me and I am being buried underneath it all. I feel like I am living somewhere in between destruction and despair. Half the time I just feel so angry, like every cell in my body wants to explode and the other half I just feel sad. I feel so stressed out about everything with my anxiety, and there is so much in my life I want to change I don't even know where to start. I'm tired of feeling useless and worthless. I'm tired of feeling like my emotions make my decisions. I'm tired of feeling like I can't make mistakes, that I am not allowed to be human. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be the one to repair things when people can't accept me for who I am because they don't like that person, or they don't like the changes in me. I'm tired of feeling like I am supposed to always give 100% to others while putting myself on the back burner. I am tired of living in fear. And I am tired of being the one who has allowed it to be this way for so long.

I feel like that people get to know me and expect me to be the same person they met. To always be that person, so when they see changes in me, they feel as though I am not their friend they have known for however long. Sometimes I feel like people get to know me for the agoraphobic person I can be and then when I have a good spell, they aren't used to it. I'm a person, I'm going to change my entire life and I believe that good friends are the ones who can watch you change and still love you for who you are. It frustrates me that some of my closer friends have become frustrated with me but rather than try to discuss things with me, they don't say anything at all and ignore me or are cold towards me. I'm tired of just allowing it to be this way or fervently chasing after them thinking I did something wrong.

I think this has just been a bad week. Even the little things seem magnified and nothing has gone how I had hoped it would so I find myself extremely disappointed. I hope next week is better.

My own strength

I have been re-reading some old books that have been helpful in the past as I tend to be quite forgetful and reading jogs my memory or I end up finding new insight. I found a new definition to optimism. It stated that optimism is finding the lesson in life difficult moments and so the moment no longer is something so awful but a lesson to take with you. I like that definition because sometimes I find myself so devastated by the difficult times that I don't see the light that accompanies it. I am constantly focused on all the bad that has come from my anxiety. I focus on loss, on regrets, on what could have been done differently. Especially lately. I've found myself feeling like a horrible person and useless. But is that really the case? If I was useless, would I still be here? Maybe there is some purpose I have yet to fulfill. And maybe I am not such a horrible person. My actions may have been in the wrong but I am only human, I make mistakes and my intentions were what I thought was for the best. I never wanted to find myself in the role of the victim but I think I may have squarely found myself in that spot. I am no victim, I am still here, I am still trying. I think that I may have placed to much in being "rescued." Hoping that someone will come along and understand my situation and he'll ride me off into the sunset and we'll live happily ever after. Like someone else will be the cure, when all along, I may just be my own cure.

My friend said to me that if my mind started this, it can find a solution to end it as well. I think this has some truth to it, I just think that the fear has a very strong hold on me and I don't realize my own potential or my strengths. In a way, my anxiety has kept me quite safe from life's experiences. It has become a crutch, and it has allowed me to avoid too much responsibility. I still want to find somebody who will walk though the good times and the bad and love me unconditionally...through my anxiety and my mistakes and allow me to be human. But in the meantime, I want to take control and help myself. I want to learn to love and accept myself and see the possibilities that everyone but me seems to see. I wish for once that I could look at myself through some of my friend's eyes and maybe I would understand or see the potential there.

I have an appointment next week with a therapist and hope that it will help and hope that I can be open enough to the things that I can use to help. I am hoping that I will be able to get there but it is close and a couple friends have already offered to go with me if I need. The anxiety has been a bit more lately but I think that is because I am also dealing with the stress and sadness of breaking up. Sometimes it takes me awhile to get adjusted to such a change (like most people, anxious or not I imagine), especially when it is something that was important in my life. I felt like I changed so much being with him, like I forgot who I was and became dependent on him in a way that became unhealthy. I had become so angry and unhappy with my own life that I lashed out a lot. Maybe as much as we wanted to be, we just weren't right for each other. But man, did I want to be. I wanted to be the person who would protect his heart and appreciate him and I completely failed...horribly. There is a part of me that wants to do anything I can to change things, to fix everything, and heal the damages. But I can't heal damages that were already there, only he can. And the damages I can heal, well...I think he'd be happier with me letting him go, so I shall.

So I guess rather than look back with a heavy heart and so much regret, I can look back and hold in my heart the strength and goodness of what we had, while we had it. I'd never met anyone who I felt had so much energy that was in tune with mine. The romance thrilled me every time. The way he looked at me when we first started dating, I'll never get that back, but at least I had it at one time and it felt wonderful each time. I know I was blessed. I'm still blessed but I need to pick myself off the ground now. This is the first time I've looked at the future and felt jaded, felt like I want to keep my heart to myself. I've always had hope in love and always knew it'd win out but now fear has crept in. I've got too much already so I refuse to let it stay. I need to get back into a decent eating and sleeping routine, as mine has just become awful. I appreciate my good health and would like to keep it that way.

Disappear

My heart aches something bad. I feel numb to everything else but the hurt in my heart. *sigh* How did I let this all happen?



"If I begged and if I cried,
would it change the stars tonight?
Would it give me sunlight?
should I wait for you to call,
is there any hope at all?"

Broken

I feel broken. By life and by love. So far this year has been one thing after another and I feel like I have completely lost myself and drifted off track. Maybe I was right when I had said before that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of the anxiety. I guess it is time to re-focus and really find my way. I can't keep floating through life like this. I want more. I want to be more. I want to see more and experience more. I guess it is time to shut one door and open the next...

It's been a long time since I have felt the pain of a broken relationship. I don't know how everything will go but I don't want the hurt to harden my heart and make me jaded. There has been a lot of hurt words and even more hurt feelings. It's hard to believe someone who loves you can say the things that are said, but I guess hurt feelings tend to bring out a bad side in people. I remember when we could look into each others eyes and see so much promise with each other. I remember thinking of all the possibilities. However it seems that we ran into difficulties from the beginning as it was never really easy for us to be together. In the end too much was working against us. I sometimes wonder if the timing was just wrong. All I know is that I need to get back on track. I think in finding "we" I forgot about "me". So time to find myself again. It does make me sad though. I felt I had really found someone who would walk through this with me only for things to not work out in the end. So alone I go again. I guess I am never really alone, I have supportive friends but having a significant other who wanted to hold my hand felt totally different. Something I wanted so much. But I can do this on my own too. I have to for myself.

Waiting for the clouds to pass.

"I lick my wounds
but I can't ever see them getting better.
Something's gotta change,
things cannot stay the same."

~Maroon 5

Lately I just feel lost. I have no direction. I know where I want to go but I can't find the path to get there. Or maybe I am scared to step foot onto it to begin that journey. I don't know. My negativity has really been getting to me lately. It's like, I am aware of it yet continue to watch it tear down my hope. I feel like a spectator. But I'm not. So why can't I seem to put my foot down? I guess it is much easier to fall into habit than to make a new path. I remember saying at one point last year I felt like I was on the sidelines, watching the game but not playing. I am beginning to feel that way again. But this time, I am still in the game partially but then taken out and I am on the bench watching plays that I used to be able to do. Don't get me wrong, I am still glad that I am getting out a little bit but it is somewhat heartbreaking to see my comfort area shrink once again.

I don't even feel like myself lately. Even when I feel like I am happy at times, I feel like I am faking it and underneath I am really just a sad, negative person. I guess you could say negativity has really gotten the best of me lately. I look at the future with dealing with anxiety and agoraphobia and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that being negative and continually letting my negative thoughts get the best of me is probably my biggest downfall. They seem so much more powerful than the positive thoughts I have. They are like the dark clouds looming into the clear blue sky. Clouds pass though...and sometimes leave a rainbow behind.

I am trying to find a psychiatrist in my area. I am hoping that this will help. I feel like my mood has been affecting all other areas of my life.

Mood swing!

Funny how quickly my mood can change from being hopeful to feeling despair. Clearly, I have been having issues with the anticipatory anxiety lately but man, it is just draining me. There are moments where I just feel terrified, this feeling of dread. I don't even know how to describe it. I start out towards my destination, the what-if thoughts along with the anticipatory anxiety feelings creep in and I find myself driving back and forth between going back home and being set on getting to where I am going. I feel as thought there is a tug-of-war going on inside of me. Last night, I won but just barely and tonight it won. I am so tired of fighting...myself. And I just don't know what to do. I haven't been seeing a therapist because I keep end up canceling my appointments, I'm deathly afraid of meds and I can't seem to break out of my negative thought patterns. I know I haven't given it enough time, but it just seems like I haven't made much progress on that part at all. I feel selfish because I am so caught up with the anxiety, with myself, that I don't have the energy I usually do to extend to others. Then I fear I'll lose my friends or relationships I am in.

I find that more often than not that I have been waking up, only to find myself looking forward to going back to sleep. I feel like anxiety has beat me up and left me laying on the ground, heartbroken. Sigh Alright, rant over. This shall pass, this shall pass, this shall pass...

Determination

"Never let fear stop you from being who you are."

I am so determined to get myself in a better place. Determined like my cat when he wants to jump on top of the bookshelf to look out the window. He sits on his cat perch, which is next to the bookshelf in ready-to-leap position. He sits there what I would assume to be calculating the distance and then pushes off. Sometimes he makes it, sometimes...he falls on his butt. However, he tends to be unfazed when he falls on his butt and gets himself back up and tries again. When I fall on mine, sometimes I sit there for awhile, nursing my wounds, or in this case my fears. *sigh*

I have just spent another rather nerve-racking night trying to get myself downtown. And do you know what just kills me about the whole situation? The fact that I was completely fine most of the way downtown. It's the what-if thoughts that ended up hurling themselves into my mind that caused me to end up a wreck. I kept worrying about all the things that could possibly happen. I kept on trying to pull myself back into the moment, a meditation technique I learned about from a Buddhism book. Basically by focusing on the present moment and your feelings at the present time, it's supposed to help keep you from jumping into the future or falling back into the past. Clearly, it is a technique that I haven't really mastered.

I arrived at the bar right at closing time. I had left to go to the bar at least an hour beforehand and it is maybe a 20 min drive. It took me about 4 or 5 tries to get down there. I cannot even tell you how many times that I turned around to go back home. And when I finally got there, I just kept driving. I turned back around of course but by the time I got there I felt like I had been hit by a car...emotionally that is. I stuck around for about a half hour before all the what-if thoughts won the battle and I headed home. I am quite glad I made it down. Out of the 3 places I frequent on the weekends, that's the place where I run into most of my friends. Go figure it happens to be the most difficult one to get to.

Driving home, I was so happy I got to see my friends but I was so upset it was so difficult to do. That's kind of when the determination hit. I couldn't help but imagine how things would be if I just dropped the two tag-alongs, fear and worry. I couldn't help but think about who I could be. I often wonder who I really am and what I really like and what. I feel as though fear has shaped a lot of my thinking and feeling. I remember for the longest time, I thought I was just an anti-social person, and well that is far from the truth.

Lately, I have started taking some time to just sit in solitude and let my thoughts flow. I had been reading an article and it mentioned the practice of sitting in solitude. Just sitting there, no distractions and just letting thoughts flow through your mind, not necessarily thinking of anything in particular. The idea is that if you let your thoughts flow like that for a period of time, eventually you will tap into your inner voice and it will help guide you. In the article, it suggests 60 minutes and when i read that all I could think was "I can't sit still for an hour!" So I started out with a half hour and it surprised me how fast time flies just sitting there letting thoughts flow through my head. I started at the middle of the week and tonight I sat for an hour like it was nothing. And I feel much calmer. It's like a form of meditation for me that is simpler than my normal meditation because rather than trying to clear my mind or focus on my breath, I just let my thoughts flow. Plus, it is quite peaceful because I have been sitting outside and nature is so beautiful even when looking just at trees and sky. Hopefully this will help me find peace of mind and maybe help me figure out who I really am.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Access-Your-Inner-Voice-for-Guidance/1

Some progress!

Well, this weekend proved to be quite a good one for me. I managed to get out both Friday and Saturday, even downtown which isn't somewhere I've been able to go for the past couple of months because it is so far out of my comfort zone. I was so happy to get out and see some of my friends I haven't seen for awhile.

Friday, it was a bit easier because I went to the bar closest to me. It was pretty busy though, there was a birthday there that night, but it was good because I ran into some people I haven't seen for awhile and that was nice. I did have to step outside a few times since it was so busy but I stayed until close for the first time in the past two and a half months. I got there late, so it was only an hour and a half but I was so glad to have stayed.

Saturday, two of my favorite music friends were playing downtown. I was skeptical that I'd make it but last minute I decided I would at least try. I really did want to go very much, I like to support my friends. The book I mentioned in my last post has been somewhat helpful. It's hard to incorporate the teachings of the book and actually get it right away but I you hafta start somewhere, right? So I just had to reassure myself that no matter what would happen I would be okay. I decided to trust..in God...to get me through this. I'm not much into religion and I am still trying to find my spiritual place in this world but I do believe in a higher power. I decided to just trust that things would be okay and to try to not let my irrational thoughts get to me this time. And I tried to tell myself if I really got anxious I could turn around and I could even try to just le go and let the anxiety come, like last time and it might just go away faster.

I got to my destination on the first try! But I walked in and after about ten mins walked right back out! I was ready to leave, but my friend caught me and talked to me a little outside where there was less going on and after that I was okay. I spent the rest of the night in the dj booth dancing! I was so glad i tried and made it. I won't lie though, most of the time I was there, even when I was having fun, there was always that "what-if" thought in the back of my mind. Scanning my body for any signs of nervousness or hints to get out of there. I want so much to be able to get a break from guard duty! It is exhausting. But for the meantime, I will take the progress and be grateful for it.

Monday, however, was a different story. Here I am thinking, "Oh what a great weekend! Back to going forward again!" Nope, Monday I had very strong anxiety again. I was SO nervous and it took me a few tries to get where I needed to be. I didn't have to do either things really, but I felt like I did. My friend had lent me a DVD and I wanted to drop it back at his house and I wanted to see another friend before he left for a trip for three weeks out of the states. I think the fact it wasn't a spur of the moment thing and I felt I needed to do both things stressed me out. It comptely was frustrating too. How could I go downtown one night then not even half that distance the next?! Infuriating. I finally mustered up the courage to drop off my friends dvd, I literally just left it in his mailbox and the anxiety was so strong but once I had dropped it off and I could start my drive home, I calmed down noticably and was able to do the rest of what I wanted .

Today has gone well, I was able to sit through a movie. I guess I am going to have to learn to ride the waves with more ease. I think I need to learn to surf.

Dead in it's tracks.

I have been reading a new book on anxiety and how to deal with them. The book is called Embracing the Fear and the basis of it is to accept the anxiety and let it pass. It teaches you to replace negative self talk with more loving positive self talk. The idea is that if you stop feeling bad about the anxiety, like something is wrong with you, it will disappear easier and faster because you aren't fighting it and you aren't giving it the power to scare you anymore. I have not gotten all the way through it yet but I've been trying to implement some of the self talk since that is probably one of my biggest problems is the way I talk to myself.

Yesterday something interesting happened. I went over to a friend's house that is a bit out of my comfort zone but I've been getting so lonely to see friends that I decided to take a try at it anyway. The whole way I had nervous dialogue going through my mind so by the time I actually got there, I was kind of a mess. He tried to sit with my and reassure me but I could feel the anxiety rising and finally after about 5 mins of being there, I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to run.

But he wouldn't let me. He refused to let me leave, he actually blocked the door. He was hoping to calm me down, but I was going bonkers by then, I pleaded with him to let me go home, I was desperate to go! I was actually trying to push him out of the way and just begging to go home (not one of my proud moments). Yet, he just stood there telling me I was safe and I was okay and I felt the anxiety peak and all I could think was, "Oh God, here it goes" and I just kinda gave up and stopped fighting with him to leave and fighting my feelings and it just kinda died. At that point, I was just lying on the floor, crying a bit while he was sitting with me doing his best to reassure me and tell me that I was safe and that nothing could hurt me. I suppose it might seem a bit harsh of him to do maybe and very scary for an agoraphobic but things ended up okay. I think that he thought he could calm me down without me having to leave, which mostly worked, however I did tell him next time maybe find a different way. I know he had the best intentions as my friend. I must admit he is one of the people I do tend to feel the safest around and for whatever reason he tends to be able to calm me down when I am out and feeling scared.

Side note: Often people tell me that I am safe and nothing can hurt me. Yet I'm not worried about being physically hurt, It's my thoughts that hurt me anymore, that is what I need to be saved from. :\ I am hoping this book will help with that a little.

Anyway, between having to actually stick out the anxiety rather than running and probably my friend being calm and reassuring as much as possible I managed to get through being a mess and was actually quite calm after. And I was kind of shocked that it just stopped mid-anxiety. Some times I feel that if I could just get over the anticipatory anxiety or just get it over with, I'd be fine after. I was a bit edgy after, wondering if it'd come back but I managed to stay. I hope that next time I am able to just let go and flow with my feelings rather than put up a fight but I think it'll take some time to feel confident with that idea. Even though the proof was there yesterday.

However, I did learn a few things from this other than that when I stop fighting, there is a good chance of the anxiety just stopping in it's tracks. For starters, my friend saw me at a very low point for me. I don't usually let people see me like that because I am embarrassed they won't want to be my friend anymore or think I'm weird(er). However, since he decided to refuse to let me go, it just all came out and he didn't seem to mind a bit. It didn't seem to phase him at all. Lots of people tell me it won't bug them but my irrational thoughts take over and I fear they will not be my friend. Hopefully this will help with those thoughts. I also realized that anxiety comes and goes, if I just let it happen, it will probably go a lot faster and I don't have to be at home to be able to deal with it. I just wish I could reassure myself of this easier because even though I got through it last night, I still feel apprehensive.

I still feel sad, but not as sad and I'll take that, but I wish Jai were here. As much as I want to get over this on my own, I want him to be the supportive person in my life, I just don't know if that can happen or will happen now.

Adversity

Story time! Well, I guess not so much of a story as a bit of interesting information but you get the idea.

"The Elephant Truly Never Forgets"

The first trick an elephant trainer teaches an elephant is not to escape. When the elephant is still but a baby, the trainer chains the infant's leg to a huge log, so when/if the elephant tries to escape, the log proves stronger and he gives up. Eventually the elephant becomes so used to its captivity, that even when it has grown huge and strong, all the trainer has to do is merely tie the chain around the elephant's leg to anything—even a tiny little twig—and the elephant won't even try to escape.

It has become a prisoner of its past.

I read this and wondered to myself, "is this me?" I am a prisoner of my past....past thoughts, past memories. On the outside, I am a mature adult (I suppose that could be argued against) yet on the inside there is a scared little girl probably curled up in a corner somewhere. The more I read about anxiety, the more I can see where it has stemmed from. There are probably a handful of events from the past that have contributed to it but it's only me that keeps it going now. The past only hurts me as long as I let it. It is when I am letting past events haunt me or when I worry about the future is when the anxiety is getting to me the most. My mind wanders too much for my own good.

Sunday, I was able to get out enough to join my friends to go see Iron Man II. Great movie, I am a fan of Robert Downey Jr and I like his character Tony Stark. A bit conceited but unapologetic for who he is, flaws and all. Anyway, I was excited because I sat through the movie and thought things we're getting better then I've had a few rough days these past days and haven't gotten out much. Honestly, I haven't done much but sleep. I get SO frustrated when one day I am able to do something then the next I barely want to do anything. WHAT GIVES? Then I fall into depression because I just don't understand why the ups and downs. It makes me wonder if things will always be so up and down and really, I kind of lose hope. I don't always want to be walking on ice with my own life. I don't want to hate a part of myself because I feel like it is holding me back. I want out of this negative thinking and out of this rut!

I'm frustrated.


...and awfully depressed.


But things will get better. They must. I'm tired of being sad when I know I've got plenty to be happy about. I'm tired of being sucked into my own negativity. I read this article on the Oprah site.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Know-and-Grow-Your-Potential/1

It basically talks about how to find your potentialand that your difficulties are given to you to make you the best you possible. I hope this is true and I hope I can rise to the occassion.

Dreams

So I've read that sometimes if you pay attention to your dreams they will have answers for you in your waking life. I've always been interested in dreams and I look up mine online when I can remember them. I don't always remember the whole thing unless it's a nightmare but the parts I do remember tend to be interesting.

I had the oddest dream last night apart from some of the nightmares I've had lately. In my dream, I was standing outside...but it wasn't really outdoors, but I do remember there being a tree with no leaves. I'm standing next to a pond and I see this painted white bird fly over to the tree. It wasn't even a certain type of bird, it was just a white bird with lots of different colors down it's back. I run over to the tree and it jumps from a branch to my finger and I ask it what to do and it look's at me and says "Let go." and flies away.

The significance of this dream is that my birth name, which was the only thing found with me when I was taken to the adoption agency, the meaning translates to "painted bird." I can't remember any other parts to that dream, but even in my dream I recall realizing the significance of the bird. Weird. But amazing. I've been asking myself over and over what to do in so many aspects of my life, I guess maybe my subconscious..or maybe my soul is telling me to just let go and let things fall into place. I don't know...

Overwhelimg sadness.

I wonder what it would be like to be, even just for a minute, to be without the fear, without the anxiety and to just let down my guard...all of it. How amazing would that be? An unguarded moment, letting my defenses down and to just live. Not worrying about "what if" this or "what if" that. I think I have had the anxiety for so long, I don't even remember what it feels like to just get lost in the moment. It's always there, even just a sliver.

Things are still pretty rough but it's more the depression lately. I did miss another therapy appointment on Friday. She brought up that maybe it would be a good idea to try medications. I feel such hesitancy towards meds, yet I don't know how I am going to get over this on my own. I can't seem to get past some of the anxiety sensations I feel to actually stay somewhere or do the things I need to do. Maybe an anti-anxiety med would be helpful. I just don't know. I'm so worried I'd end up psyching myself out that it would do more harm than good in the long run and right now I am clinging on to the freedoms I still have. Luckily, I am still getting out a bit, my comfort zone has just become smaller and it seems like if I pre-plan anything then I end up over thinking things and making it a bigger deal than neccessary. I don't want to lose any of that.

Even though I am not as bound to the house as I was last year, I find that I am just as depressed as I was back then. I'm not even sure why. Is that odd? That I don't know why I am sad? Apparently I am supposed to know. Apparently maybe I want to be sad. It always hurts me to hear..."well maybe you want to be sad....maybe you want to be agoraphobic." I don't think anybody who is agoraphobic or depressed enough to just want to lay down and wish life would just stop actually wants to be there. Fear is quite demanding and when you have lived with it for so long, it becomes a bigger and bigger bully, hard to stand up to. Fear likes to smash any hopes of anything with a crowbar. I do realize that I've fallen into the "safety" of living the way I do. I know what it is like, I know what I am dealing with, mostly. Being completely free is such an amazing thought yet also a scary one. I fear that I will let down my defenses and one day, anxiety will sneak back up on me and surprise me and ruin anything I have going on at the time. And I think that would be the most depressing thing for me ever, to have felt that sort of freedom only to be captured once again. I mean, I've experienced a freedom this past few months that I haven't had before and losing just a little bit of it has spiraled me into depression pretty fast.

I guess if I had to take a stab at guessing why I'm so sad it is because I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to overcome this. I hate being this sad, I don't want to $@!%ing be sad. I don't even feel like myself anymore. All the negativity has come back up and when I actually catch my thoughts, I realize how mean they are. There seems to just be a stream of thoughts telling me that I am a loser and that I will never amount to anything. That I am a bad person and I don't appreciate things enough because I am so selfish. It constantly nags at me telling me how much I've missed out on and how much I will continue to miss out on. I couldn't stop crying the other night, every time it'd slow down, it'd pick back up. I finally stopped when I found somebody to hang out with. I just felt so alone and so sad. I know I am not alone in this, yet I can't seem to get that through my head. I ended up going to Target and the gas station with one of my friends.

I think lastly, I am sad because I am so lonely. Being in a relationship with someone halfway around the world is a lot harder especially when I want that person to be here. I don't know if I was meant to lack affection in my life because I've noticed in the past year how much it really makes a difference in my mood. And I feel like the distance is making us both see different parts of each other. I don't think we had enough time to know each other before getting into this relationship. It's such a big step to me to be in a long distance relationship and I think that I ignored how I felt about it because I knew I wanted to be with him, just not yet. So I am now torn between staying because I like him or leaving because I am not sure if it is fair for him to deal with me being so depressed and cranky or fair for me to be so miserable because he is gone. I think at this point we are both unhappy. We had a discussion about the future a few weeks ago and I wonder if he really understands what he'd be getting into. I hope to find somebody who would be able to deal with me going through a bad episode. I'm not sure if that is him, I think that he would like ultimately to be with somebody who is more independent and can take on adult responsibilty. I know if I had a bad episode, I'd probably need somebody who'd be able to take care of me and accept that I'd be dependent for however long. I guess that is another thing my negativity tells me, is that there won't be a guy who will want me, agoraphobia and all.

I just want to find something that takes me out of my own little world so that I feel like I am doing something good. I know I have been saying this for sometime, but I still haven't found what it is and lately it's been even harder because I don't even know what makes me happy at the moment. I guess all I can do is keep looking...

*sigh*

So today I was to have a therapist appointment but I became too anxious to get there. Seems a bit ironic, that one of the things that will help me beat the agoraphobia, the agoraphobia keeps me from going from time to time. It's horribly frustrating, especially since I probably could have really benefited from this session as I have gotten increasingly depressed. I have not been this depressed since things were pretty bad a year ago, yet I have not fallen that far down as I am still able to get out and do more things than I did at that time. However, I am quite lonely, much like I was back then and it's made me realize quite how much having affection is a motivator in my life.

I do realize that in the long run, I'd like it to be that I am able to pick myself up rather than always relying on someone else to do so since that seems to be the trend but I do believe sometimes a helping hand makes the world of difference. I guess more importantly, I would like to have the strong belief in myself that I am able to do this for myself rather than for someone else. Oh, but how to get there? Why don't I have faith in myself? I don't like the sad person I have become. I think that I have become so caught up with my emotions, that I think I am what I am feeling. I've no longer just let my emotions become something that I feel and that comes and go. Instead, I am identifying myself as my emotion. I feel like sadness is a place that I live, I eat, breathe, and think sadness lately. While I understand, to be happy, sadness must be experienced, there is not one without the other but I would like to get to a point where I stop wearing it like a second skin. It seems like the majority of the time all I do is sleep. I actually look forward to it. Which if I actually had busy days, that might be a good thing but when I get 8 hours of sleep a night plus a couple of hours napping and I still would like to lay back down, I'm not so sure if that is a good thing.

I did come across a couple of articles on Oprah.com that I thought had a good deal of wisdom in them.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/3-Ways-to-Change-without-Anxiety

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Testing-the-Work-of-Byron-Katie

I am definitely going to try to put use to both the ideas from the articles. When I talked to my therapist, she told me that when I am anxious, my thoughts lie to me. That the fear is speaking and it is not rational. I hope that I am able to catch myself when I start thinking irrationally. I hope to get out a little this weekend and maybe that will cheer me up a bit.

...

And it is still continuing. The depression has gotten a bit worse however. I can't quite remember being so sad, not since things were bad about a year ago. I didn't want to find myself back here, yet I feel like I have. I am still able to get out a little but my comfort zone has been severely shortened. The things that I didn't even think twice about, I find I am having a hard time doing.

My birthday was on Thursday and while it was a nice day, it made me very depressed because I had hoped this year I would be able to go out and do something and up until about two weeks ago I still planned on doing something. However, as the anxiety has been at the levels it has been at, I decided that I would not be doing anything this year again. I did have a birthday dinner today at my brothers house which is maybe 5 minutes away from mine and I was just so upset. I wanted to have a birthday dinner here at home but my mom didn't want to have people over and my brother offered his house. I had awful anticipatory anxiety and I really only stayed long enough to eat then I went back home and went directly to bed which is all I've wanted to do all day.

I'm just so sad to watch my levels of comfort change and the freedom I had to be shortened so much. I feel like I am watching all of my hard work that has taken me this entire past year to achieve just go away with in such a short period of time. I hate that my progress is such a rollercoaster, although I really haven't had any issues this bad for awhile so I guess I am lucky there. But sometimes I just get so tired of fighting things, I feel like I am fighting myself and it makes me less hopeful. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life but I wonder if I have what it takes to do what needs to be done. I feel like I need something to take the edge off of the anxiety but medications scare me so much and I really don't want to go down that path. To be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong about going down that path, I'm not too proud or embarassed, I'm too scared. And I feel though meds are a temp solution to a long term problem.

The lack of affection is affecting me again. Even a couple of my friends can tell something is bothering me. I had no idea things would be this hard or still be affecting me, it's been a month since he's been gone and it's not getting any easier, expecially with me not going out much.

I've picked up some herbal rememdies for anxiety but I'm a little scared even for those, I had such a bad experience with medication it's put me off of any sort of pill. I got some passion flower in a tincher so it'a s liquid but it tastes awful, even when I mix it with juice. I'm taking very small doses right now so I can get used to it even though it is just herbal stuff. I also got an Ipod itouch for my birthday and I have downloaded an app for anixety. It is called Let Panic Go.

The good news is I have been finding time to paint now and I did at least try to make it out to a club tonight. It kinda makes me sad, the club I first started going to last year, I am now having problems with and it is the one that is closest to me! But I tried. I lasted about 20 minutes before having to go back home. *sigh* I am just so sad and all I want to do is sleep. Why am I here again?

Shades of Gray

One of my first CD's I ever got as a child was Billy Joel - River of Dreams. I absolutely loved that CD and I still listen to it from time to time. One of the songs on that cd is called Shades of Grey.

"Some things were perfectly clear,
seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear,
I claimed the corner on truth
These days it's harder to say
I know what I'm fighting for
My faith is falling away
I'm not that sure anymore"

Sometimes I miss very much being young. I viewed the world so much differently. There was so much less doubt and I was such a happy child. No doubts, nothing to fear...cept for the witch I thought lived in the old shower of my house at the time. I had quite the imagination as a child. Nowadays, I feel like I am surrounded in doubt and fear. I was walking through a store today and all the Easter stuff was out. I do miss Easter baskets, even if that is not the point of Easter. I miss believing in the fairy tales. As a child, my best friend and I had birthdays about a week apart. Which mine is in about a week. We would celebrated together on occasion and one of my favorite memories is the year we had it at her house in her backyard. Her parents did very well for themselves and had a very large backyard. One year, we did an Easter egg hunt birthday celebration in her backyard and her dad dressed up as the Easter bunny. Everyone had such a fantastic time. Sadly, we grew apart as we got older. I started getting anxiety at a very young age and didn't know what it was. I avoided going out with her a lot and I think after awhile she just gave up. You can only cancel plans on someone so many times as a kid before they get discouraged from being disappointed by their best friend so often. Even as an adult, I think it tends to be the same way, depending on the situation. It's why I tend to watch people walk out of my life, because I've offended them some way by not coming out.

I have been in quite the down state since my brush with anxiety the other night. I just keep remembering how terrified I felt and it's really pushed me back a bit. I keep "what if-ing" myself. I had plans to go downtown to see my favorite dj friend play and for the first time since I met him in the fall, I missed a show. I was pretty bummed out. And I notice higher anxiety levels and even things that I normally have no issues with have caused me some anxiety. I went to the store today, something I have not had problems with for a very long time and I felt more anxious than usual. Friday night, I went to a department store by my house and I had to leave. So I feel like I am living in shades of grey. I am just so sad lately and feel so frustrated. I am completely aware of the things I can appreciate but it doesn't seem to lift me out of this mood. It feels heavy to me. All I want to do is sleep, which is something I have been doing increasingly. I feel like if I am sleeping then I'm not feeling much even though I do tend to dream of anxiety sometimes too. I can't even escape it in my dreams sometimes! And I've been crying quite easily, I'll see something that affects me and it'll just hit me.

Sometimes I feel like my happy attitude is just a front and I am really a sad, miserable person but I think there is a part of me that knows it's not true. I think I tend to lean towards being negative so easily that when I do get down, it very easy for me to slide into negativity. I think mostly I've been sad is because I don't want to lose eveything I have been working at. It's almost summer again and I don't want to miss out. Summer is my favorite time of year and I am hoping for some really great progress but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Or confused, I don't know what to do or where to start.

Sometimes I feel like medication would be helpful but I am so terrified of taking it that I think it wouldn't really end up helping at all because I would psyche myself out. You know how when people are put on placebos, they feel the effects sometimes or side effects? That is what I feel I would end up doing to myself because I had such a terrible experience with the last medication. And of course I've read of on anti-anxiety meds which didn't really help make me feel any better about it. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, what do you do?

I'm trying to stay positive and know things will get better but then I have a bad moment or something gets to me and it pushes me right back down. I hope this passes soon. My birthday is April 8th and I was quite looking forward to going out and seeing people this year. Last year, one of my friends was nice enough to bring lunch to my house since at the time, I wasn't getting out. This year, while I wasn't planning on a party, I was planning on at least going out and seeing my friends and going to Pitch to eat pizza. I am still hoping I will get myself back on track and feel more confident again. Although, I feel a little as though I've been off track for a bit now not just from Thursday.

One of my favorite songs from River of Dreams is Lullaby - Goodnight my Angel. It is such a beautiful and relaxing song to me.

*sigh*

I'm so frustrated and scared. And exhausted. For whatever reason, on my way home from the house I was house sitting at, anxiety kicked in something awful. I'd had a stomach ache most of the night and I had been anxious most of the day and I guess it just all came out tonight. I was going to sleep over at the house I was house sitting at but my stomach started to get upset and so I decided to go home. I was nervous as I was leaving the house but I had to turn around and go back because I thought I forgot to blow out a candle, but I had but by the time I was leaving the house the second time, it was already pretty bad.

It was 2 am so there were no other cars out which was good because I got home a lot faster that way but, usually when I start the drive home, the anxiety tends to fade and I am fine. This time, it just got worse and I just started getting more scared. I tried to talk myself out of it but the fearful part of me was just screaming, I don't want this to happen, I don't want this to happen and just getting more scared. I tried calling a friend but at this hour, he was probably asleep and I felt too guilty waking anyone else up. I texted a couple of people, I feel less bad about that and one of my friends was still up and he kinda talked with me for a bit, so I am a bit calmer now but there is still a fear there about it building back up again.

I'm so sad and so scared about the whole situation. It wasn't a full blown but it was a hair away from it. It's the worst I've had probably since the end of the summer, beginning of fall. I think the last one this bad, I was actually downtown, and one of my friends had to sit outside with me till I calmed down. I do know that ups and downs will happen with making progress but it always makes me sad and scared because I always wonder just how bad it will affect me. In my past blogs, I've said I fear the the rug will be pulled out from under me and I'll hafta start all over again and that terrifies me. I just barely pulled myself out of the last one. I know I have a great support group, but it's changed a bit now that I am seeing someone. And he is halfway around the world and not easily accessible. I am very grateful he wants to be such a support to me and is trying his best to understand but it does make it very hard with him being so far away.

I know I will pull myself out of this one, I'm just so scared because it just happened. This is one of those moments I really do just hate it and want it to be gone. Sometimes I feel like I am scaling a mountian and just when I think I am getting to the top, the clouds clear and I see I have way more to go. I know this is a very negative post but I need to get all these feelings out.

I always feel exhausted after having this much anxiety but I'm still anxious enough that I won't fall asleep right away. All I want to do is cry. I wish I wasn't so afraid of anti-anxiety meds. I think they would help but I also think I'm so afraid of them that I would end up upsetting myself with thoughts. Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy and that makes me sad. I am very thankful I have people who don't mind me waking them up at 2 in the morning over this stuff. I don't know what I'd do without my friends being so understanding and such a support to me. Hopefully my next blog will be much more cheerful.

One week down..

It's been a little over a week since Jai left and I think that I have finally gotten adjusted to it. My stomach aches have subsided and my anxiety has eased off me. I finally got out tonight for a little bit. It felt good to get out but I was very nervous since for the past week and a half I haven't had the motivation to do anything and I didn't go out at all last weekend. But I made it downtown fine and stayed for a little bit and I saw some friends I haven't seen for awhile so I was happy with things.

I really didn't expect things to be so hard when he left. We haven't been dating all that long and I've dated someone who has deployed before and my last actual relationship was a long distance one. But now I find that all I do is wait to hear from him and the best part of the day is when he calls. I cannot call him so I have to wait to hear from him, I think that is the hardest part. It's odd to me because I don't find myself trying as hard as I have been in the past to be with him but I think I've realized he is the first person who I don't have to try to get him to like me...he just does. And he likes me for me, I don't have to go out of my way to impress him or be someone else. I can just be me. I haven't quite gotten used to it but I know I have someone good. Sometimes I think I wanted "him" so much I attracted him into my life. What I mean by that, is whenever I would daydream, I would daydream about an amazing person who would like me for me and be a kind person with a good heart and romantic to a fault. I had certian qualities I wanted and I would day dream about "him" quite often. My dream guy I suppose. This sounds so silly but I even gave him a name. I named him James but his nickname would be Jamie because even though it's usually a girls name, I really like the name Jamie for a guy. Plus, I figured if I ever actually met a guy named Jamie then maybe that would be the universe telling me to pay attention. This was awhile ago, maybe almost a year, I kinda forgot about my dream guy after awhile only day dreaming about him occasionally...then I met Jai...his name isn't actually Jai...but his middle name is Jamie and he is from the South...and in the South they go by their middle names...and he has a Southern accent, which my "dream guy" had an accent since I like them so much. I know this all may sound so silly but I am so very much a day dreamer and I that is what I mean by attracted him into my life. All of this can't just be a coincidence and I had to see where things could go. And they have been fantastic. Even though I miss him a lot and it's not going to be easy but three months isn't too long of a wait. I think there is something to be said about attracting what you want into your life.

Other than that, not much has been going on. Things are finally melting but winter is still holding on as long as it can. I've been seeing a therapist and it's been nice to have someone to talk to who has experienced anxiety firsthand. She told me that she eventually just got sick of it and wanted to have a live free from fear. It took her awhile and it was a lot of ups and downs and she still has anxity but she has gotten herself to a point where she can really live her life. She said a lot of it came down to the way she thought. She said when you change the way you think, it can re-wire how your brain reacts to things. I've read this before too. My brain is kind of wired to react the way I do when I am anxious, to run from the situation because I've reinforced it so much. She said if I would just stay put and use positive self talk and talk myself out of it that it would help re-wire the way I react so that the reaction to run would not be so strong. So I have been trying this but it does get to be very hard when the physical syptoms start up and my tummy hurts. However, I will keep trying in hopes one day I will be able to live my life without letting anxiety get in the way.

My birthday is in about three weeks. I am quite excited but also bummed out Jai will not be here to celebrate with me. I am not sure if I will even celebrate because I'm worried I'll set something up only to get too anxious to attend my own birthday party! I am sure I will just bop around to my favorite bars since I don't really drink and see who I run into.

Grrr

Ok, this s u c k s. The anxiety keeps coming and going in waves. I freaking hate this feeling! :( :( :( I really hope that I can settle down soon and get adjusted to all of this. *sigh*

The waiting game begins

Hello all, I hope that March finds you all well and it is nice to have winter coming to a close even though it did snow here today, the weather has been a lot better than it was in Feb. It's been in the 40's so all the snow is finally melting. While I am quite ecstatic for the warmer months I am also quite sad as today is Jamie's deployment day. He will be gone for the next 3 months and I am flooded with many different emotions.

I've been pretty anxious lately and I think it's a mix of the fact I've been spending a lot of time downtown. I really really really do not like being downtown but I want to spend as much time with Jai as possible before he leaves but I am in almost a constant state of anxiety at some level. I am always worrying about what could happen, what to do if it does and how quickly I can get home. I absolutely hate it. The parking is a mess, there are a lot of one way streets so it's not so easy to just turn around, you have to go around the block and it's just so far from my house. I've never dated anyone who lives so far away so I wasn't aware just how much it'd bug me but it does. He did just find a apartment on the first floor so that is much better, no elevators now but he has a year lease so he will still live downtown for the next year at least. And he loves living down there, I know if he ever moved out west it'd be because I didn't like being downtown and that makes me feel bad. But that's neither here nor there at the moment. I just don't know how this will all play out, as I am having a difficult time finding a way to be comfortable down there.

The second thing is the fact he will be so far away. I don't really have safe people, I do have a couple friends who I can call who are very good at calming me down but other than that the closest I came to having a safe person was when I didn't like when my mom left and that was an absolute nightmare to me. I am uncomfortable with a safe person because people come and go so easily sometimes. However, when people I am close to leave, it's hard on me until I get adjusted to it. A lot of what-if's come into my head and I wish I could just let go of it all and go with the flow of things and accept the constant change that is life. I want so much to be comfortable with life rather than feeling like I am fighting it and trying to constantly be in control of things. I just want to lay back and ride the waves peacefully.

For whatever reason, I am not too worried about him being gone, 3 months really isn't that bad and I'm 95% sure I'll be fine waiting for him. The other 5% is fear. I'm sad he is gone but I am happy where things are with us. It's worth it to me which is why I am not worried and I think he is one of the very few people I pretty much completely trust. I've had a lot of trust issues in the past I think I have been able to totally trust maybe one other boyfriend I've dated. A part of me feels like I will have some time to be a bit less stressed as I won't be having to go downtown as much which I hate to admit...does anyone else ever feel this way? And a part of me is actually somewhat okay with him being gone, as it will give me time to really keep focusing on myself and I think it will be a good way to strengthen our relationship. Not that I can't work on myself while he is here, but I do tend to drop everything for the person I am seeing and lose track of where I am. However, if anyone has any good tips on long distance relationships, I'm all ears :)

Other than that, things are still going. Another one of my friends has faded from my life and I'm not entirely sure why, we just stopped talking. This is the second person who has stepped out of my life and I can't help but wonder if I am doing something wrong as a friend.

On the bright side, I do still have some amazingly wonderful people in my life. I am very lucky to be blessed with such people in my life. I realize this since I have such supportive people and I have been very lucky to have friends who care about me and help me when things are down. I was driving home the other night and it just kind of hit me. I was driving my friends car that he let me borrow because mine is having issues, listening to a cd that another friend made for me and I had spent some with Jamie that night and he really does surprise me with how patient and caring he is towards me. I don't think I've ever dated someone who cares about me so much right off the bat and is so verbal and romantic in his gestures towards me. I realized just how much my friends support me and how much I am surrounded by love and it just amazes me that I could be SO lucky. I find it kind of weird how just recently I wanted to finally take a relationship into considerations and shortly after he walks into my life. Talk about good timing huh?

And lastly, I was invited by one of my favorite people to a concert. Bon Jovi was in town and he had an extra ticket he let me have!! It was one of the more challenging things I have done but I tried. I did not make it through the entire concert but I made it long enough to hear It's My Life, which is my favorite song of his. I had to park very very far away and it was very busy! The seats made me even further away from my car but they were such amazing seats! He puts on an excellent show. And while I was glad I went, I was upset that the entire time the thing on my mind was my anxiety and an escape route.

"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life"

His lyrics hit me while I was standing there being nervous trying to shake it and just getting frustrated that I couldn't. I just want to be able to get myself into the moment and just go with the flow and really live. I'm so tired of being so scared of my own thoughts and feelings. I am hoping with all my being I find my way to that place, where I am confident in myself and free of fear.

Bon Jovi

By kkaci at 2010-03-11


By kkaci at 2010-03-11

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie...

Ever since high school (at least as far as I can remember for this) I have never quite liked February. I was never sure why, maybe it was just a bad month for me, but lately I think it is because by the time Feb rolls around, I've had quite enough of winter. Which is quite true. Especially this year. I don't know about everyone else but it's been a horrible winter here. Lot's of snow and cold cold temps. It hasn't even gotten warm enough for the snow to melt so it just keeps piling up. However, spring is around the corner and I am trying to keep my spirits lifted until then but it has been rough. I've found myself to be rather sad lately. I realize that I really have a lot to be happy about but I just can't seem to recognize it like I normally do. I am hoping it passes soon.

I am sick again which has made for a rather anxious week. Although even before I got sick I noticed I have been more anxious than usual and I'm not sure what is causing it other than maybe all the changes in my life and the small things stressing me out.

And they say don't sweat the small stuff yet I can't seem to let it go. And I am not used to so many changes all at once. I've lost a couple of friends, having some issues with others, I am feeling the stress of not working, and lastly, I am in a relationship with Jai. Which is a nice thing, it just came a lot sooner than I had expected and it has been such a long time since I have been in a relationship, I don't quite know what I am doing! He is the type of person who knows what he wants when he wants someone so he was ready to be in a relationship after a few dates. I however, move at a turtle's pace when it comes to making things serious because I can't quite imagine being serious with someone so soon. But, he is leaving to go overseas soon and didn't want to leave things hanging so I decided to just dive in and see what happens. It's been awhile since I've felt this way about someone and it's been fantastic and scary at the same time. He's very wonderful to me, I don't think I've been treated so well for a very long time. It's nice to feel appreciated and have someone to appreciate.

Lately, a few of my friendships have been changing, or maybe it is me that is changing. It's always had to deal with the loss of friendships but I am getting to the point where I do not know what to do with some. Maybe they don't like the person I've become, maybe they have become a different person and I wish I could just make it so that everything would be okay but I can't and according to my therapist I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy. She told me to just be me and whatever happens happens and I just need to accept it. Seems like a simple concept yet it is very hard to watch close friends become distant. However, I feel like I am spreading myself thin just to appease others and it is exhausting! And I end up feeling run over. So I am trying to just do what I feel is my best and let the cards fall where they may.

Being sick is not as bad when you have someone to take care of you :) Jai brought me the Tao of Pooh. It is a book that combines the teaching of Taoism through Winne and Pooh. I thought this was a very cute book and a good read. It's interesting how such wisdom can be found though such simple ways. Sometimes it's kind of nice to watch childrens shows as an adult because I can pick up different things than I did when I was a child. The book talked about living a simple life and enjoying the moment and going with the flow of life. Which is where the title of this blog comes from. Cottleston Pie is a song that Pooh sings.

I hope everyone is doing well! That's all for now.

Changes

For starters, I would just like to say I have come down with spring fever something horrible. I miss green, I miss flowers, I miss the warm breeze. Needless to say, I am very much so looking forward to the change of seasons. Winter seems to be dragging on and it has been a rather rough winter here this year. Snow has been on the ground since early December because it either keeps snowing or is too cold to melt. I do notice the days are slowly getting longer which is a plus as I am ready to spend some more time with the sun. My mood lately has been very sensitive. I find myself prone to mood swings which is no fun. Usually it tends to pass but I think so much small stuff has been going on it's been too easy for me to stray off path. The anxiety has been up and down and it was kinda apparent this weekend more than it has been for awhile which is odd since a few days ago, I was feeling rather calm.

So I guess to explain everything lately, I have to go back a few months. I have a feeling this blog may be rather long and may be quite boring so I'll just say now this blog in particular is more for me as a journal type entry than anything else really.

So here goes...

Back in September I met someone. Well, not really met as I already knew who he was just had never met him. But I recognized him at a pool party I went to that night. He had dated a friend of mine who at one point was very close to me. Sadly, over the past year, she and I grew apart. I felt that the friendship had become somewhat toxic and we've yet to really repair things as I feel the only reason she comes around lately is when it benefits her in someway, like if she needs advice. Anyway, that was the night I met Jamie. We ran into each other a month later at another pool party ( Our mutual friend throws some fabulous pool parties) and we ended up finding each other on facebook. He asked me to dinner and since I was kind of hesitant as he had dated one of my friends, I said I would as long as it was understood we'd just be going as friends, which worked out rather nicely. I felt I had met an amazing person as he just gave off very positive vibes and we got along great. He is in the military though and deploys overseas every few months and I had met him right before he was leaving for three months. We emailed a couple times while he was gone but nothing really serious.

When he got back we hung out a couple more times and he said he would like to see where things could go romantically. This presented a bit of a problem as I knew it would upset my friend even though she had a new boyfriend and she and I didn't really talk that much as we just have not been able to repair the friendship. He and I both decided it'd be worth it to see where things would go and so before I went on a date with him I told her what was going on and as predicted, it did not go over well. She is currently ignoring both of us. This ended up causing me a lot of stress for awhile as really, I did not want to hurt her feelings over this and I didn't know if my choice to accept going on a date with him was being selfish. I've never considered someone else's feelings other than the person I plan to date so much in a situation!

He is amazing though. He is probably the first person in a very long time who I have seriously talked about wanting to be in a relationship with and who wants that as the end result. He is incredibly attentive and romantic and quite the gentleman. I absolutely adore him and have not wanted to be around someone so much since my ex boyfriend from two years ago. I'm not quite used to having someone want to be in a serious relationship with me so fast as really we've only been dating for about a month and he's ready. As much as I want someone in my life who wants to be serious with me it also really scares me. I have gotten so used to things the way they are and I've been doing so well at focusing on me, I am so afraid I will get side tracked with him and lose myself. Also, it is just a very big change for me which takes some adjusting for me. I can't just jump into a relationship and he doesn't expect me to...I just know with people and relationships I move at a turtle's pace.

Anyway, I think this is partially the reason my moods have been so up and down because half the time I am just completely happy I've met someone so amazing and attentive and the other half of the time I am what-ifing situations and letting fear take over. So far he has been really good at dealing with the ups and downs and the anxiety but the fear part of me is just waiting for him to decide he can't deal. I don't want to feel this way, I want to just take things as they come and enjoy being able to spend time with someone so great yet I can't figure out how to just let go.

The bigger challenges are that he lives downtown on the tenth floor of his apartment. Not only am I still not completely comfortable with going downtown, I also hate HATE elevators. Funny though how much someone can motivate me as a couple of weeks ago I did make it to his apartment and...even got in the elevator....after hiking up the stairs and deciding I was not about to do that again. There are still times where I just can't do it though so we go to his friends apartment, which is still downtown but on the first floor. I even sat with him in the emergency room for two hours while he was getting stiched up after a misfortunate incident since he is apparently clumsy. After that, I was totally calm about things till this weekend. I'm not sure what changed but I not only had a hard time going downtown on Sat but I had a very hard time at Valentine's Day dinner which wasn't far from my house at all. And I refused to go downtown afterwards. It upset me way more than it even bothered him though. I'm quite curious to see how this all plays out. He deploys again in about a month till mid June.

Lastly, I lost a very long time friendship. He and I had been friends for about 7 years and this weekend he told me he just could not be my friend anymore as he had feelings and he knew I didn't share them. It was too difficult for him to be around me. It's heartbreaking to me as I did love him very much...just not in love or in the same way he felt for me. I feel like there is a big hole in my life now but I do understand where he is coming from, it just makes me incredibly sad to have to end such of long friendship.

Well, that is all. I hope everyone is doing well :)

Going with what works.

I have found that discovering what works for me is something that has really helped me to get out more and deal with the anxiety. At times, I wonder if some of my actions are selfish but I think it is just a worry rather than me really being selfish. One of the things I often worry about with the anxiety is that I come off as selfish to others. And I can see why they may think that, if they don't know or understand agoraphobia then yes, some of my actions could be misinterpreted as selfish but right now I feel I need to be a little selfish in order to take care of myself to propel myself to a better place. Women often tend to put others before themselves, which I have done in the past but it is time to make sure I am taking care of myself too.

One of the things that has most helped me is just finding my comfort levels with going out. Right now, I go out alone quite often. I always go where I know people but my doing this, it is a lot easier because I am not as stressed. I don't have to worry about canceling on anyone or ruining anyone elses night because I want to leave early. By meeting people out, nobody really thinks twice about me saying I have to leave early.

Many of my friends know by now that I deal with anxiety on some sort of level. Some people know more than others but by being open about it makes it easier because then people tend to take things less personally because they are aware of the anxiety. While some people still tend to get offended, it is just something I've learned to let go of. Not everyone is going to understand, and that is fine. When I want to do something that is more difficult to me, like going to a movie or a restaurant, I will ask someone who I know will be completely understanding of me. I have plans to go to see Avatar tomorrow night., which is almost like...3 hours but I am going with someone who is knows the deal and will be cool with me walking out of the movie, no matter how far into it we are. I still tend to stick to restaurants and movie theaters that are closer to my house, which helps.

I also try to not be so focused on the outcome of the night. I have the mindset that if I make it, GREAT but if I don't at least I tried. By not being so focused on having to be somewhere, it tends to make it easier to get myself there. Especially when i drive downtown. Since it is one of the harder places for me to get myself, I really have to just go with the flow. And I still do get disappointed if I wanted to go somewhere and don't make it but I tell myself there will be lots of other opportunities in the future. And hey, if I am trying, that is a lot more than where I was a year ago...so who knows where I will be a year from now?

Before I go out, I make sure I am prepared. This might sound a tad funny but I am sure you know what I mean. I always carry a huge handbag because there are things that I feel better if I have on me in case I were to get anxious when I am out. Some of my must haves are something to drink, my nintendo DS, gum, and my aromatherapy roller scent. Having something to drink and the gum usually helps when I feel my throat getting tight. The nintendo ds is a fabulous way to distract myself, I used it the last time I was at the doctor in the waiting room! And the aromatherapy is just nice to have, it seems to help because it makes me breathe deeply.

Lastly, I keep trying to be postitive and focus on that. I meditate, listen to my hypnotherapy cd and write postivie affirmations out daily. I surround myself with people who are positive and caring. I feel blessed each day that I have been SO fortunate to have such good people in my life. I do still get frustrated and depressed at times, especially now since it is winter time. And I do still worry about falling down. So when that happens I just tell myself if that ever happens, I will just have to slowly pick myself back up. It's taken some time but by taking baby steps, I am where I am now. And I know that I have people in my life who genuninely care for me and will take my hand and help me up if that is what I need. Being thankful for the big things and the little things helps keep things in perspective. :)

Me out on NYE.


By kkaci at 2010-01-12