Another snow day,

more animals

So yet another snow day. I know it is still winter but we've been getting a couple of nice days here and there so I keep getting my hopes up that there won't be any more huge amounts of snow. Last time we got about 8. This time they predict 7. I've had no motivation to get out all day and I've been a little crabby lately. So here I am, home watching another movie. This time I've gone with Spirited Away which is one of my all time favorite anime movies. Sometimes, I get caught up in thinking about how things used to be. The days when I actually had plans on the weekends. When going out seemed so much more simple.

I did manage to pay my car insurance, which was one of my goals for the week. And there were a couple of nice days I got out and took a short drive. I'm just ready for winter to be over. I'm tired of everything that is winter. I wonder if things will be a bit easier to get out once it's warmer out and I don't have to bundle up and brave the cold on top of braving everything else.

Back when I was doing much better, I got into modeling. It was nothing serious, mostly for fun. I really enjoyed it and I miss it a lot. Growing up, I never felt very pretty or photogenic for that matter but getting into modeling changed that a lot. Growing up in the Midwest and going to schools where 95% of the population was Caucasian caused me to want to blend in. To be a blonde haired, blue eyed girl. Nowadays, I love looking different and I appreciate that but it took me awhile to get there. Anyway, there is so much that can be said with a photo and I love that. It's been about a year since I've done any shoots.

I am with a talent agency here, every now and then they have an audition for me but pretty sporadic. Which is fine with me, I just enjoy it as a hobby but I definitely wouldn't turn down paying work! Or so I thought. I had recieved an e-mail saying they had an audition available for me to go to on Monday and I just needed to go get my photo taken and that the actual shoot wouldn't be more than two hours, which is about the norm for the ones I do. Not only do appointments make me nervous because I'd feel horrible if I had anxiety and just didn't show up but it was all the way downtown which is about a half hour drive from my house. So I had to e-mail her back and turn it down. The frustration of having to do that because of the agoraphobia made me really sad. While I am sure there will be other opportunites in the future, it just really got me down. I feel like I am watching everyone around me go about their lives while I am still sitting on the sidelines. I get bored easily and I fidget a lot so sitting on the sidelines has been hard to do.

This feels like one of my more negative blogs and I think it's because I've been so cranky-pants lately. Lucky for me, by Wed. it is supposed to be back in the 50s-60s. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

My art

So I have finally figured out how to post some pictures of my art. Please excuse my horrible picture taking skills. They are not the best pictures and I think my cat got in the way of a couple of them but this is what I've been doing when I get bored. I wish I had more of the glass work I've been doing but I've sold it to my neighbor. So here it is, amateur as it is, it gives me something to do : )

Blue Glass Vase. Bought the vase then used gold paint on it and fired it.



Christmas decorations. They are all supposed to have bows but these are unfinished and the finished ones I gave away as gifts or sold to my neighbor to give away as gifts.

By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24

Acrylic on canvas. Cherry Blossoms



Acrylic on Canvas. Got the idea from a photo I saw



Acrylic on Canvas

By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24

More canvas

By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24


By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24





By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24

The one my neighbor bought that I redid on a larger canvas

By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24

And lastly this is something my MOM made. But I like her stuff, shes the creative one in the family. The rest of us just try to keep up.

By kkaci, shot with C990Z,D490Z at 2009-02-24

Something a litte different.

By kkaci at 2009-02-22

Before I start out, I'd like to say that I do not really claim any religion and that I respect whatever people believe to choose in. I am usually careful about discussing religious topics because I don't like to argue about mine or anyone else's beliefs. So any of my posts are not to debate religion in any way. This is simply just my experience. :)

Anyway, I've mentioned before that I've been reading the Bhagavad-Gita. I've never really been a religious person but spirituality appeals to me quite a bit. I believe in God very much so, it's all the details I get caught up in. In the past, when I've tried to embrace a religion, I always feel guilty when I cannot agree with the religion in it's entirety. Like I am cheating by only taking out the parts I like. I told this to one of my friends one day and she said that I shouldn't think like that. She told me, "Religion is man-made and faith is given to you by God." I also notice that this is something that the Dalai Lama has noted also. That anyone can take what they like from his talks about Buddhism and apply it to their life without having to become a buddhist. And so I've gotten a little more comfortable in the years, but I still feel that I want to have a closer relationship with God.

I came across the book Eat. Pray. Love. It has become my favorite book, one of those I can read when I need comfort or even hope. To simplify it, it's about a woman who goes through a spiritual journey. Every time I read it, I find something new I like. Which brings me to my own journey, or at least the beginning I hope. Another book that I really enjoy is the Art of Happiness which isby a psychologist who interprets for the Dalai Lama about happiness.

I actually found the myspace of a man who is a spiritual teacher. I know, weird...on myspace right? Well, what do you know...he is the resident spiritual teacher at the Hindu temple here. And there is only one Hindu temple....right down the street from my house. Well, we exchanged a couple of emails and I found myself at the temple attending one of his Sunday lectures. I have not yet made it back to the temple long enough to talk with him again but, we've spoken on the phone and through email still. The temple offers counsling and also he can help me with my meditation, something I really would like to improve on. I think that it would help me greatly with anxiety and just in general.

I've also been reading the Bhagavad-Gita. I actually found a copy in my own home. My mom practically collects books and I found a copy that explains and translates the sanskrit poem. It's a little confusing but I also have rather enjoyed reading it. I've already posted one part that was appealing to me, and this is another:

Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self-surrender.

Now, while it's not talking about me and my attempts to go out, it certainly got me thinking. The part about going out that makes it hardest for me is when I think about the outcome. The possibilites of what could happen. So basically, I am worried about the results rather than just keeping an open mind. And it is definitely easier said than done, but it's given me something to think about.

This is the website of the spiritual teacher I found. http://www.dharmacentral.com/index.php
I am excited for the day when I can actually meet up with him and talk a bit more about things.

Roses and Cheese Fries.

I've always loved Calvin and Hobbes, even when I was young before I could really understand it completely. After all, for an 8 year old, Calvin has quite the extensive vocabulary. But the messages in the cartoon are definitely something to appreciate. And while I'm not much of a fan for redheads or whiskers, I do love a guy with green eyes.

Which brings me to the guy in my life at the moment. Technically, we are not together as a couple anymore, we are just together making the best of the situation. He lives in Arizona while I am still in the midwest. Even when he comes in town, there is not much we can do but hang out in my driveway. (sidenote: I am unable to have people over most of the time since I've moved back home and that is one of the rules, it's a long story but it's due to another family members' social anxiety issues) And unless I move to Arizona, I do not know if there really is much future for us. So, we both remain single but attached at the heart.

I always am asked why I bother if I don't see us together in the long run. And to that all I can say is that marriage does not interest me at all yet. Love interests me...everything else will just fall into place with time. So for me now, dating is all about just finding someone who I enjoy being with...an experience. And he and I have grown quite a bit over the years and it has been quite the experience, both good and bad. We are very close nowadays. It is nice to have someone to talk to before I go to bed and who cares about me in a romantic way. He happens to be in town this week so we have postponed Valentine's day until this weekend. Today, he showed up and brought me a dozen roses and a little stuffed animal. I managed to make it over to the gym with him to work out. I only ended up staying for about 20 minutes before I wanted to really go though. Later on in the day, he stopped back by and brought me cheese fries, which are my favorite even though they are rated as one of the worst food choices because they are so unhealthy. Moderation, right? Quite an improvement from the way things were when we were actually dating. Go figure. Anyway, it has certainly been a good way to start a weekend. As the romantic sucker, I love flowers. And you can not go wrong with giving me food I like. Ever.

So next story. My cell phone decided to take a little bath the other night. I was leaning over to check the water while I was talking on the phone, getting it started and it must have thought the water seemed rather appealing because it dove right in out of my hand. Doh. I rely a lot of my cell phone because I call people when I get nervous to distract me. I have a land line but I don't have many of my contacts memorized. Lucky I had some written down but i spent most of the night wondering whether or not I'd be able to make it to the Alltel store to get a new phone. I ended up not sleeping and going in the morning only to be told I had to come back later with the person who was the main account holder since I share a plan. Great. I got really frustrated that things that should be simple are just not at the moment.

The second trip was not as easy. I almost did not get out of my car, I wanted to drive right back home. Then I reasoned, I could walk in, give my friend the phone, and then walk back out and just have my friend drop off my new phone. So I went inside. The first ten minutes were uncomfortable. After that, things got easier, which was a good thing because I was there for almost an hour! Halfway through I pulled out my nintendo DS and played tetris to distract myself. But I got a new phone and I was happy I made it through. Course later on when I wanted to get myself a sprite at the gas station, I didn't make it but I didn't beat myself up as much as I usually do.

I've realized lately that I've got a lot to appreciate despite the difficulties currently. So I have been trying to be more happy with what I have at the moment. My depression has lifted a little and I hope that I continue to move forward to a more positive lifestyle. I still find myself worrying about taking steps back, I do not want to feel that level of despair again. I want to remain hopeful. Anyway, I hope everyone is well. :)

A-Z

Attached or Single? Single but I still manage to find myself attached.
Best Friend? I am blessed to have more than one :)
Cake or Pie? French Silk Pie!
Day of Choice? They are currently really all the same to me.
Essential Item? My phone
Favorite Color? Cerulean
Gummy Bears or Worms? Sour Patch Kids
Hometown? The O. Ne
Indulgence? Sunglasses.
January or July? July. I'm not much for the cold weather.
Kids? None
Life Isn’t Complete Without? Love
Marriage Date? No time soon!
Number of Magazine Subscriptions? 5. Self. Glamour. Fitness. Women's Health. Travel and Leisure.
Orange or Apple? Both
Phobia(s)? Well, that is pretty obvious.
Quote?"Twenty years from now, you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain
Reasons to Smile? Many.
Season of Choice? Summer/Fall
Tag Two ...Hmm, well whoever is interested in posting this I suppose.
Unknown Fact About Me? Nobody knows my real birthday because I am adopted. I was dropped off at a post office in Seoul. The doctor had to make a guess.
Vegetable? Corn on the cob. I could eat it all the time.
Worst Habit? Interrupting people.
X-Ray or Ultrasound? I've had X-rays before.
Your Favorite Food(s)? Chinese.
Zodiac Sign? Aries.

By kkaci at 2009-02-13

Snow day today. Only three days ago, it was about 60 degrees here. And now we are buried in maybe 8 or so inches of snow. I always love to watch it snow, it's so peaceful. It's the aftermath, I', not thrilled with. If anything, it certainly provides me with a good excuse to stay inside rather than the normal excuse. ;) And I made the most of it. I've spent some time tonight making Valentine cards and a picture frame. Now I am sitting here eating Chinese food and watching Harry Potter. Two of my favorite things! I am very blessed to have such good friends. One of my friends braved the snow to get Chinese food and was thoughtful enough to bring me some as well. And yesterday, a friend stopped by with a box of Valentine candy :)


By kkaci at 2009-02-13

(Love these, no idea what they are called)


I've always enjoyed Valentine's day even though I've been single for the last few years during the holiday. This year, I decided to make butter cream brownies for a friend who seemed kind of down the last time I talked to him. It was a bit of a challenge for me as I needed to go to the store to get some of the ingredients. The store is probably only about a 5 minute drive from my house but nonetheless it has been difficult for me. The first time I tried, I drove right past it and didn't even stop! The thought of having to wait in line and go all the way to the back of the store put me off. However, the second time around, I made it and got the ingredients I needed. I am not sure what was different this time but I was really, really glad. It was one of the goals I had made for myself this week because I really wanted to make these brownies. Yay!

A friend of mine who is going to school for physical therapy told me that in therapy sessions, they were taught to begin with very achievable goals to helps build the patient's confidence. So, this is what I have been doing. The store was the big goal for the week but most of my other goals are very simple ones. I have also been doing a lot of positive affirmations and visualizations. Before I go to bed, I write down one thing I appreciate, the happiest moment of my day and several affirmations. My favorite one I repeat throughout the day is Everyday in every way, things are getting better and better.

Lastly, I have been reading the Bhagavad-Gita. It's been very interesting to read and I hope to be able to talk to Dharma Pravartaka soon. I think that he will be a great influence. This is from the Bhagavad-Gita and I try to think of this when I am feeling uncomfortable or sad.

Feelings of heat and cold,
pleasure and pain,
are all caused by the contact of the senses with their objects.
They come and go,
Never lasting long.
You must accept them.

I know it is definitely not easy to just accept them but it has been helping me to keep in mind that this feeling will pass. I hope everyone is well and Happy Valentine's Day to you all. :)

Hi, my name is....

I really enjoy getting to know people, it's always fun and interesting to learn new things about someone. In the past when I was meeting new people, we'd shoot all sorts of questions back and forth to answer. I've spent hours on the phone doing this before so why not here? I thought I'd post some questions up for a "getting to know you" blog. :) Feel free to post up any questions and I will answer them too! Answer which ever ones you want or all of them!

1. If you could have any superhero power what would you choose?

2. If you could relive one moment in your past, which one would you choose?

3. What is your favorite movie?

4. What is your favorite comfort food?

5. What is the first thing you notice when you meet someone?

6. Something you find fascinating?

7. What is something you are passionate about?

8. How did you come up with your blog title?

9. If you won the lottery, how would you spend it?

10. What do you like about the opposite sex? Or what attracts you to someone?

11. And my favorite, what do you know for sure?

Here are my answers :)

1. If I could have any super power, it'd definitely be the ability to transport. Then I could go anywhere I want and still be able to get back home fast if need be. I really would love to see the beach.

2. I definitely have several moments I'd like to re-live. Many of them are from my childhood, when stress was not even something imaginable. Before my parents divorced, the house we lived in had an art studio. It was this huge open room with windows from the floor to the ceiling. My mom used to teach art lessons to myself and classmates there. Then we'd all run around the house afterward.

3. I absolutely love Meet Joe Black. I also really like Howl's Moving Castle. I really like Hayao Miyazaki anime movies.

4. I could eat Chinese food probably every day if I could. When I have a cold, I eat hot and sour soup and veggie fried rice.

5. It usually depends on the person. When I first met an ex from a few years ago, the first thing I noticed was his awesome sense of humor. Usually though, it's some sort of facial feature I notice first.

6. I cannot get enough of ocean life shows. I can watch Planet Earth and Blue Planet over and over again. The creatures that live in the dark parts of the ocean are so interesting! Which is why I want to travel, so I can go visit a coral reef!

7. I am still trying to discover what I am passionate about. It seems like everything that I get into, I eventually get bored with and at the moment I feel like I don't have a lot of options. I am pretty passionate about love though.

8. It's actually the name of a CD. Creative I know, but it just seemed to fit. I am always dreaming. :) It was that or Playing under the table and dreaming. Which is a Dave Matthews lyric and seemed a little too long.

9. I'd pay off my bills, pays off my moms bills and house, save and invest, give some to several charities and buy myself a convertible. Maybe that would motivate me to get out some more huh? :D I think it'd be nice to be able to just keep myself busy with hobbies and get involved with some volunteer work!

10. Physically, I am a sucker for dark hair and green eyes. I also really like defined facial structure. Good sense of humor, someone who is passionate about things, romantic...that list could go on for ages though so I'll leave it at that. I really like the way I can feel protected by a guy who cares. :) I want someone who takes care of me and who will let me take care of him. And for whatever reason, probably more than one, I prefer it when the guy is older than me. I dated a guy about 15 years older than me once and we really got along well. There was a confidence about him that I really liked as well as he always seemed so laid back.

11. I love this question because when you really think about it, what do you know for sure? Things I thought I knew for sure, ended up quite different. Plus, everyone always has really good answers because it's different for everyone. Anyway, I know for sure that a hug can help make things better. I know for sure that everything passes. (Sometimes I forget this though) I know for sure that things could always get worse....but they could always get better too. I know for sure that tomorrow is not guaranteed so live in the moment. (Something I am trying to do) And I know for sure that love is a powerful force, more powerful than I could ever imagine. :)