Addiction

So a friend of mine recently introduced me to my newest addition. It makes me giddy, excited and I can spend hours on it. Hello newest craze, Pinterest. For those who aren't familiar, Pinterest is a website where you can "pin" up photos, ideas, etc to share with others. I have found new recipes, new workouts, fashion, and tons of amazing DIY projects. I seriously love it. All of the photos and ideas that I've seen on there have totally given me some inspiration for ideas of my own not to mention some great projects that I am looking forward to trying out. All of these new projects has got me quite excited! I totally wish that I had a steady income so that I could have money to spend on stuff like this but some of it is fairly inexpensive. I definitely recommend signing up.

I had a rather rough week last week dealing with anxiety but this week seems to be going a little bit better. I have moments where I just get sick of myself. I get so tired of having it be such a hassle just to run errands. The other day I was hoping to go to the bank, which is seriously 5 minutes from my house. I drove there then wouldn't get out of my car so I went home and I was just absolutely upset. So I curled into a ball on my bed and cried for awhile but decided it was something I could do another day, I just wanted to get it done then. And I remembered that I need to try to be nicer to myself. I don't remember all the time, but when making a change sometimes even the small steps help towards the bigger picture. Anyway, this week has gone better.

Overall, I do think loneliness is getting to me. I haven't been able to get out and be around friends for quite awhile and even have stopped trying to go out on the weekends. For awhile, I was able to go to a place near my house but they closed a couple of months ago and I haven't found a new place where I'd feel comfortable going alone that is in my comfort zone. Elite was one of the places that I could manage because I could go alone and I'd know people there and it was nearby. I really miss having a boyfriend. How do other agoraphobics meet people and date? The times I've dated before it's because I was going through a good spell or it was a friend who already knew the situation and knew me enough to not be weirded out. *sigh*

Motivation

So I was watching Jay Leno tonight and one of his guests caught my attention. The more I listened to him, the more I realized what a great attitude he had about his life. He has reasons to be down but he chooses to look ahead and be positive. I found an inspiration speech of his on youtube and what he is saying just really made so much sense to me. I love stumbling on to this sort of things because it really does put things into perspective. Yes, agoraphobia makes life hard for me but I can choose to keep looking forward. I know I will still have my bad days. In fact, this whole week has been a really rough one. But watching this video definitely lightened my mood and allows me to see that I can make choices still. I know I'll have bad days again, but I hope that I can keep this in mind to help me get through them. Here is one of his videos, his name is JR Martinez

Sometimes I'd like to give anxiety a good swift kick.

I am having quite the frustrated moment. *sigh* Things have been really up and down lately, which is better than just being down all the time so at least I've had some positive moments with things moving forward. It's just getting really frustrating because I start to get excited that things are going well and then they get difficult again and it is such a let down! Currently, I am having some difficulties running some errands I need to get done. I am grateful I have friends I can ask for help but I think the most frustrating thing is that I want to be able to do them myself so I can get them done on my time. It's seems like a lot of things I've wanted to get done, I end of waiting on because I end up having such a difficult time with them, I end up having to ask someone to help me. It leaves me in a state of feeling helpless. I'm just tired of pushing against the same struggles I have had for years. I feel as though I haven't really grown much. Thinking back, all the problems I am dealing with now, I was dealing with when I was 18, that's ten years ago!

I think it's been what is causing the huge hit to my self esteem lately. I've been finding it hard to feel confident about myself and I believe it is because I don't have much going on at the moment to pull confidence from.

I am hoping in the next few weeks to get some good news. I was able to acquire a note from my therapist which I have sent to one of the campus counselors to see if I can figure out a way to get my degree without having to go into the school. Now that I have the note, they will be willing to work with me and so I am hoping to hear something from this soon. Also, I am hoping that I can work with a business to sell one of my projects I've been working on. I am very excited about this and very grateful that person who contacted me is understanding and willing to meet up with me nearby my house. I was upfront about the anxiety and she was very understanding! I think that dealing with agoraphobia, my biggest concern has always been that people will not want to work with me, not be understanding, not want to date me because of it so it was very comforting to know that when I explained my problem briefly, it was not a big deal at all. Now I am just hoping the meeting goes well and she wants to work with me!