Just a few things.

So I thought I would post a blog on some of the things that I have been doing that has helped me get to where I am with things today. I am still working towards being better and I know everyone is different and so this may or may not be helpful but I thought I would share. :)

I do a few things each day and have been for the past few months. I listen to a hypnotherapy cd each morning before I get out of bed. It's only ten minutes long and it has a lot of positive affirmations that I think have been helping me. I also have been writing out positive affirmations once a day. I have a notebook purely for this sort of stuff. I usually take about a page and a half or two pages if I feel I am having a bad day. I try to frame each affirmation as though I am already that way...like "I am happy and secure" is one that I have been doing. I think this has been a huge help for me because my mind tends to fall into negative thoughts and I think that a person's thoughts has a lot to do with what they believe they can and can't do. I believe that a person's actions can come back around to them and so can thoughts. It's more than just writing it out though, I find it helpful to really think about what I am writing about and how it would feel to be happy and secure or have confidence.

I have also been thinking a lot about how I'd like to be living my life and how I want to be and writing that out before I go to bed. I call this my 'Ideal Self' note. Basically, I just write all the qualities I want to have and how I want to live my life and again, I think about how it would be to be living that way and I phrase it in present tense.

I meditate about twice a day for 20 minutes each...so far that is about as long as I can last before I get super antsy. It's difficult to sit there for 20 minutes and not let my mind wander and I do get frustrated but I think the thing is to just keep at it. The Dharma Pravartaka at the Hindu temple said that I would notice a difference if I just stuck with it and I think that it has helped me move forward. I repeat a mantra over and over again and that helps. Either that or I just try to concentrate on my breathing. Sometimes, I repeat the positive affirmations in my head too. Can't send out too many positive vibes into the universe :)

I have also tried to not be so hard on myself when things don't go the way I would like them too. If I make it, great! If I don't, at least I tried even if I don't get further than my neighborhood. I still tried. And sometimes I will go home, calm down and try again later. Lately when I have been getting anxious when I go out rather than just leaving, I try to sit it out. I'll go to a quiet place or go sit in my car till things get better. In some cases, I just need to go but that's okay too.
It bums me out sometimes when I get to the point I have to leave but at least I got out there in the first place.

I actually just picked up some aromatherapy stuff at Bath and Body works. I have the Instant Comfort and the Optimism one. They are little roller things that you just roll on your wrist and then inhale the scent. I love the Optimism one, it smells so good I smile when I'm smelling it and I think that the Instant Comfort has been helpful to me also.

By kkaci at 2009-07-02

Lastly, my friends have been a huge support system to me. I've been pretty open with people about my situation and many of them have been more understanding than I would have imagined. Even new people I meet or people I thought wouldn't understand. It has also helped to have a few comfort people I know I can call on. I think that getting to know my super delicious friend better helped, I really started to get out and do things I wouldn't have imagined would happen so soon. Having him around as someone who is comforting and who was affectionate has been a huge help at getting me out to some very uncomfortable places. My bar friend has also been a very big help in me getting out more. He has done everything he can to make me comfortable at his bar, which has been my practice place to getting out more and being around people. When things get to be too much, he lets me sit in the back away from people until I calm down. He also is a very nurturing person and has provided me with a lot of positive support and has been encouraging me and reminding me how good I have been doing when I am feeling low. And I have many others who have been absolutely amazing. Every time I realize it, I feel very, very blessed.

By kkaci at 2009-07-02

So these are some of the things I have been doing lately that I've noticed have helped. I know I haven't been very detailed in my past blogs about what I've been doing so I hope that maybe this can be useful :)

Friendly support.

So progress this week has continued to go pretty well. Tuesday, I hung out with my older friend for a little bit at a Sushi restaurant near my house. Wed. I went up to my friends bar, LiT again and managed to stay most of the night! I am very happy to be around people again. I have also been able to maintain a regular gym schedule too. Friday, however, was a rough night for me. I decided to meet some friends up at LiT. I was okay for about a half hour before things got overwhelming and there were just too many people around. So I excused myself and sat outside to try to calm down. It took awhile but eventually I was okay. I wanted to leave but at the same time I didn't want to leave. For the rest of the night, the anxiety was on and off and I had to excuse myself several more times. I ended up sitting in the back of the bar in the kitchen area to settle down. My friend who owns the bar has been very understanding and supportive towards me through the past few months and has tried to do what he can to make me comfortable when I come out. He has been a really wonderful person to me. He just hugged me and tried his best to reassure me and remind me that the feelings would pass and that I could do whatever I needed to do to feel comfortable. And really, I think that was a big help because it was very comforting of him. :) Plus, all I want is for someone to just hug me and tell me things will be okay. Now I just need to find someone who would like to be that person on a regular basis :)

At first, I kind of felt like I was taking steps backwards. I mean, it was just last weekend I had made it all the way downtown and in a very crowded place. But I realize some days I am going to feel more confident than others and that is just the way it is for now. I am glad that I stuck it out though because it helped me see that I could manage to calm myself down even though it was extremely uncomfortable. I think that is what I need to work on now...working on dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and not running away. This is going to be the hard part so I am glad I have some very supportive people in my life. I told my bar friend that I was afraid of falling down again and he reassured me that he would do his best not to let that happen. So onward I go...

I have been meeting new people lately, and I have been very open with people about the agoraphobia and I find that people tend to be a lot more understanding than I would have thought. I actually had this discussion with my super delicious friend at one point, about worrying of what others thought and he has told me a few times now that I have to stop worrying about that so much. People are either going to accept me or they won't and I can't bother worrying about the ones that won't because not everyone is going to like me, plain and simple. Luckily, lately most people I meet do like me and have been very understanding about the anxiety. :)

Anyway, Friday was so much for me, I took it easy on Saturday and did some more painting. I finished a set of paintings for my neighbor for her Street of Dreams house and I am almost finished with music painting part II for my super delicious friend.

Street of Dreams

By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28

Friend's painting. Part I

By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28

Along with getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable (or at least tolerating it better) I think I also need to work on finding a good balance and realizing what my limits are. I have been pushing myself so much to get out lately because my mentality is that 'things are going good so do as much as you can, while you can!' I don't want to feel like I need to be getting out at every single opportunity. I want to be able to say no...well because I want to not because of the fear but just because I can. I am glad I have been pushing myself because it's shown me I can do it but I don't want to end of overwhelming myself too much. So I am just going with the flow of things and seeing where it takes me. As Dido puts it in her song Northern Skies..."A million adventures, not yet begun." :)

Back in the game...?

A few months ago, I made a comment about how I felt as though I was sitting on the sidelines, watching the game being played without me. That is basically how I felt about my life and the agoraphobia. I felt as though it had just put me on pause. That life was going on all around me but I was just sitting by watching everything happen.

Lately, I have felt as though I have been put back in the game and my life is slowing moving forward once again. Progress this week has gone really well for me. I am actually shocked by it! This past weekend has been very good. I have made it my furthest yet. I went to see my super delicious friend DJ...at a club...downtown. The downtown area has always, always been very difficult for me to deal with. Not only is it almost a half hour drive from my house but there are a lot of one way streets and the parking is just...not agoraphobic friendly. I get totally confused driving around downtown and it's never been a place I feel comfortable going. In fact, I didn't think I would be able to even consider making it a goal for a few more months.

However, for whatever reason, I was feeling curious. I had talked to my super delicious friend and I was in the mood to go out. I also had been chatting with the owner of the downtown club and he told me if I attempted to make it down, he would personally park my car for me or find me a place that was in front. This was a very nice offer because most places downtown you have to find parking and then walk a few blocks to get to where you are going. So I figured I might as well try and see how far I get. This is my big thing lately...I make an attempt and see how far I get. If I make it, great! If I don't, well at least I tried.

Well, I ended up finding myself downtown at the club! I was shocked but very happy! The club that night was rather busy but luckily I was able to spend most of my time in the DJ booth which was elevated and away from the crowd. I think that being able to park close to the club and being away from the crowd helped immensely. I ended up staying a couple of hours and had a very good time.

Me at the club

By kkaci at 2009-06-22

I do still tend to feel a little anxiety at night time. Tonight I was feeling a bit of it and it really made me wish I just had someone I could just call and talk to who could reassure me that everything would be alright and comfort me. I just want that security. I know I need to find it in myself but it would be nice to just know someone else is there in that way also. I have really supportive friends but sometimes I just want that one person (not to be mistaken for "the one") who wants to provide that sort of comfort.

Anyway, I just feel very grateful and blessed to be making the progress that I have been. I hope everyone is doing well. :)

A weekend full of surprises.

So this weekend has definitely been one of great accomplishments. I am definitely surprised with myself and continue to hope and be positive that things will continue to move forward. Friday, I was able to talk to my super delicious friend about what has been going on lately. We had texted a bit earlier in the day and I went to go see him out at the bar since he was DJing again. I was a little nervous going there just because I wasn't sure what to expect and also because I still haven't gotten totally comfortable going out. It wasn't very busy so that made things easier and we sat down and talked. He explained that it wasn't something I had done, just stuff he had going on. I explained how I had been feeling and we decided to just take things easy and be friends. I am definitely glad to have talked things out because I feel much better knowing what is going on and that we are on good terms. I ended up staying out the whole night which was like 4 hours! And here's the great part, when the night was over, we talked about me going to his place. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but his place is very very far out of my comfort zone, I had made it a goal to try to make it out there by the end of the summer but even that seemed like I was stretching it and then we stopped talking and so I forgot about it for awhile. He invited me to come hang out since he and his friend would be up for awhile just hanging out. And I actually said I'd try! I figured, why not? Might as well see how far I can get, I can always turn around and go home and it won't be a big deal.

Well, I ended up making it to his place! I still cannot believe it, I mean, even when I've been doing well in the past, the area of town he lives in has always been somewhat difficult for me. I had a very nice time just hanging out and I wasn't on edge too much. I think my biggest worry was once again, what might happen rather than what I was feeling. This is definitely something I need to work on, I think I'd be a little more at ease and would probably be more comfortable with things if I stopped worrying so much about the future and just concentrated on the moment at hand.

That is my big news. Saturday I just stayed home and laid low. I really wanted to go out again but I didn't want to push myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to go out because it's been so long and I want to be out and about. But I don't want to overwhelm myself. I want to find a good balance so I finished the painting I've been working on these past couple of weeks.


By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-14

Today I was able to have lunch with a friend. We had to go somewhere that served fast food because I felt a little uncomfortable with going somewhere where I had to sit and wait but it's a start. I am definitely happy and very grateful for the progress I've made this week. Whether I will be able to make it back over to my super delicious friends house again is up in the air, some days I feel like I am able to do things then another day I won't be able to do the same thing I previously felt I could do. So who knows but I am definitely happy that I tried. There is a part of me that kind of worries a bit about things falling apart again. I try not to dwell on that too much but it is a worry that is in the back of my head. I try to just keep in mind that if I have a set back or something that I just have to get back up and let time pass and things will get better again. And it helps knowing I have people who care about me and who will help me and support me. My friends have been so supportive and understanding towards me, I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate them.

Progress report

I am very happy to say that I was able to finally get together with my photographer for a shoot yesterday! It's been about a year since I've done any shoots and it is definitely something I enjoy doing so it was nice to be able to get back into it. We just set up something very last minute so that I wouldn't have too much time to think and worry over it. It was very laid back and low key. We went to a park nearby my house and found some places to shoot. Took about two hours. He sent me a link to some of the photos so here is one of them. He hasn't been able to edit any of them but I'm too excited to wait.


By KKaci at 2009-06-11

I also was able to get to the Hinduism class on Tuesday and attempted another movie tonight. I am pretty happy with how things have been lately. I do really miss my super delicious friend still. I just wish I knew if I did something so I could fix things if I did. I know it is what it is and that I just need to let it be but sometimes I just miss him. I think I just jumped into things with him way too fast. I don't regret it but I think I am definitely going to take things very very slow from now on. It's weird, I usually do take things slow, I'm not sure what it was with him. Another one of my friends has expressed interest but I am hesitant. I just don't want to lose a friend in the long run. Anyway, I guess whatever happens happens. I am just taking it as it all comes, which seems to be working since progress has been going good. I am completely grateful to be where I am now, especially when I look back at things and see where I was at.

Sibling Rivalry and a little wisdom.

There seems to be a slight mood running rampant through the house today. I've been able to get along with my family lately, because I have stopped trying to ask for things to be any different and to see people and so things are back to normal...ish. Also, I have been getting out quite a bit more so I am not around the house probably much to my sisters happiness. My sister tends to be very touchy when people have an attitude with her which is ironic since she tends to have an attitude with others more often than not. We had been snappy towards each other most of the night. Whenever she is in one of her moods she always has this slight annoyed tone to her voice. Tonight my mom asked me if I'd like to watch a movie with them and since it was one I wanted to see I figured why not. Well, the moment I sit down my sister is already on my case, I had grabbed my phone to silence it and she turns to me and asked me in a really snotty voice if I was going to be on my phone all night. I really get tired of my sisters attitude over the smallest things and I'm tired of just having to deal with it so she won't throw a fit. So I responded equally annoyed that I was turning it off so she didn't need to worry. Well, that is all it took, she started having a fit and saying that she refused to watch the movie with me because I had an attitude.

She said she didn't want to be around me if I was going to be a bitch, which I don't see what it matters because if we are watching a movie nobody is going to be talking anyway. Which I pointed that out and she didn't seem to like that much either and told me very sarcastically "why don't you go be an agoraphobic and go out some more?"

This is not one of the worst things shes ever said to me but I have to admit I had to bite my tounge to not say something equally painful. We've never really gotten a long and I have some ideas where this all spawned from but I don't know why we haven't grown out of it. Maybe because she hasn't grown out of it, maybe because there are times where I just can't take her bad attitude and childlike tantrums. Sometimes I look at my family and wonder how I turned out to be so different. I know that nobody really purposely wants to make me feel this way (well cept my sister at times) but I do feel like the odd one out. I think that is why my friendships are so important to me and when I do get into them, relationships as well. All I know is that I need to move out, sooner than later.

The movie was very good. There was a lot of good wisdom to it I think. One of the things he said in the movie that stuck with me was:

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

In the scene, this is a letter he had written to his daughter. It really made me pause for a moment and think about it and I believe it is very true. It never is too late to be who you want to be, sometimes it just takes a lot of work.

Fireflies

For whatever reason, the day that summer officially begins for me, is the day that the fireflies or lightning bugs appear in the evening. Well, on my drive home today, I saw a few lightning bugs. :) So hello summer, I am certainly glad you are finally here! Summer, as I am certain I've mentioned before, is my favorite season. And it's been a good start to summer too. I have hopes that I will be able to get some bigger things accomplished this summer.


By kkaci at 2009-06-07

This weekend was a good one. Friday, I hung out with a friend for a bit. His place is a little out of my comfort zone. He also lives on the third floor of his apartment. It sounds silly but sometimes stuff like that can affect me. I like to park close to where ever I am going and I don't have to like to walk to far from my car. I know with time, these things won't bug me but for now they still do. I managed to hang out for a bit though and then headed over to Lit afterward. I didn't stay for long since it was fairly busy but it was good to get out. Saturday, I stopped up at Varsity and had some pizza with a few friends. I think I was out for a little over a half hour there. It wasn't too busy and it was definitely good to get out again. Afterward, I went home and painted. I don't want to overdo things and push myself too hard. I think this is the first weekend in a long time where I went out both Friday and Saturday. I was quite happy with how things went and it definitely gives me more hope for the future. I was also able to get in a good workout today, which is something that tends to be kind of hit or miss with me lately. I wasn't able to get to the temple at all this past week so I hope that I can get there Tuesday for the class.

Lately, I have not been sleeping well. I just can't seem to fall asleep and when I finally do, I tend to wake up about 3 hours later and it takes a couple of hours to fall back asleep. I am not sure what the cause is for sure but I have had a lot on my mind recently. Sometimes I wonder if I had someone to curl up next to it might help...hopefully in the future? :)

Some of the things that have been helping me get out a little is trying to stay rational about things. I always keep in mind that I am going out with my friends and they will understand if I have to leave or don't make it. Also, I figure that if anything, the least I can do is to try and see how far I get. This has surprised me a lot because sometimes I end up being able to go further than I thought I would. And when it doesn't work out, I can always say that at least I tried and that there will be other opportunities to go out again in the future so I don't get too bummed out. I think that the biggest thing that has helped me lately is positive thinking and also support from my friends. Every time I go out to visit with one of my friends, whenever I get nervous, he will try to talk to me to distract me or just hug me until I relax a little. I'm not entirely sure why this works but it does seem to help. I remember when I went to Elite to see my super delicious friend DJ when I got a bit nervous, holding his hand or hugging him did help me relax. But then again, for some reason, I got quite comfortable with him faster than I usually do with people (And I am still a bit bummed things didn't work out). Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. :)

45 Life Lessons

I got a lovely e-mail today from my e-mail penpal and I thought it had some really great wisdom to it and had to share it with all of you! I absolutely love stuff like this. So here it is... :)




Written by Regina Brett, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.





1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time some time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

He's Just not that into you part II

So I am curious to how other agoraphobics do with dating. How do you maintain a relationship? Is it just that the other person is very understanding? Or does it get easier to go out and do stuff with someone else? In the beginning, how do you get past the agoraphobia to have a relationship?

So I'm pretty sure things with my super delicious friend have fallen apart. He's kind of just...disappeared. I haven't seen him for awhile now and it just seems like lately he hasn't really wanted to make the effort to hang out along with some other little things I've picked up on. I actually called him on Monday to talk about things with him and maybe suggest we go back to being friends but I never heard back from him. He hasn't responded to any of my texts either. Okay, so I can take a hint. I'm pretty bummed out about it all. I wasn't expecting him to want to be in a relationship with me but I hoped he at least liked me. Last I checked, guys who like girls...want to see them and don't ignore them. I realize that it takes a lot more compromise on his part since I still have limits but when a guy has liked me in the past, it's never been a huge issue. I think what bums me out the most is that we were friends before all of this. Not close friends but I had hoped when things didn't work out, there would be some sort of communication about that and we could go back to being friends. I was excited because I thought I had found someone to have fun with this summer and spend time with. I feel like I was left in limbo a little bit. I have no idea if I did something to upset him, if I said something, if he just decided he didn't want to continue things or if he has something going on with himself. I have no idea. It's when stuff like this happens, I often wonder if I didn't have the agoraphobia to deal with, if things like this would still happen. *sigh*

Regardless of the details, of what could have been, of what I could have done differently...I don't regret the situation at all. I had a lot of fun with him and I liked him. He helped make me feel attractive again and really he helped me start to get out more. I believe that God puts people in your life that you need at the time. So maybe he was sort of like a catalyst to get me out and give me some confidence. I hope that maybe I'd was able to provide him with something as well although I am not sure what that would be. One door closes, another one opens. I guess it's time to walk through the open door? As Greg (One of the authors from He's Just Not that into You) would say, "don't waste the pretty!"


By kkaci at 2009-06-05