Birthdays and pushing boundaries.

I've been feeling slightly lonely lately so I notice my mood has been a bit more touchy. I am okay with being by myself and doing things alone but after awhile, it will get to me if I am not around people and/or if I am missing someone in particular. I've noticed a lot that my happiness ties into being around people, whether or not that is a good thing, I'm not sure but it certainly has driven me to get out a little more. I am definitely tired of spending the weekends alone. Friday, I was able to make it out to my friends bar and hang out for a little bit. It was moderately busy and I was a little on edge most of the time I was there but I was very happy to have tried and made it out! I know I really need to push myself this summer but I don't want to overwhelm myself at the same time.
Me at my friend's bar.

By kkaci at 2009-05-31

My older friend had his birthday yesterday and is celebrating at his soon-to-be restaurant today. It is in Dundee which is an area of town that is totally out of my comfort zone. It is maybe 15-20 mins away from my house. I was invited but that may be pushing myself a little too much. I have found myself being more curious about my boundaries lately, just seeing how far I can push myself but even at my furthest point, it'd still be another 10 minutes at least to get to where the party is being held. And sometimes even two minutes is a lot for me still.

I feel like my progress has been going pretty good. I have been having an easier time getting out to places the problem is now once I am there I am worried about what could happen. I feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen and so I don't like to stay long because I want to leave before I get anxious. Yet, if I could just concentrate on the moment at hand and how I felt in that moment, rather than worrying about what could happen, I'd probably be able to stay places a lot longer. I don't know quite how to shift gears and focus my thinking elsewhere.

And lastly, I miss my super delicious friend a little. I haven't seen him for awhile...I almost kind of feel like something is off but I am not sure what. Maybe I am wrong but I read into actions over words...I dunno. I guess whatever happens happens, can't change the way someone feels. I'm just grateful the way things have been going the past few months. I am beginning to feel like so many more possibilities are opening up for me. I think have a wider range of choices has definitely helped my mood and it has given me more hope about the future.

Future planning

Robert made a comment on his blog today about fear making decisions that hits pretty close to home for me as well. Thinking back, I realize that many of my decisions have been made out of fear rather than by me. I know that I want to get to a point where I am making decisions without letting fear rule. I don't want agoraphobia to run my life anymore. I want to go out because I want to go out..not because I feel I have to go out and I want to stay home because I want to stay home...not because I'm worried what will happen if I go out. I just want to be able to make decisions that are my own...not plagued by all the what-ifs. I realize that many decisions have their own what-ifs but I'd like to reduce them by...a lot!

I've done a lot of thinking today for some reason. About what I want for myself and what I need to do to get there. I've realized that I want happiness to be a state of mind not just an emotion for myself. I want to be able to enjoy life as each moment goes by and I'd like to do something positive while I am living this life. I want to be able to accept that life is unpredictable and embrace it. And lastly, I want to fall deeply in love someday. Some of the times I have been at my best was when I was loving someone. I have this innate need to take care of someone and with things being so limited, I haven't been able to do that since dating has been out of the question. I do look forward to the day where I am able to give my best to someone else again. :)

I am currently reading The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron. Well, more like re-reading it. I find it helpful to re-read things because I am constantly forgetting stuff. I ask a lot of the same questions sometimes not because I am not listening but because I forget so easily. Two things that she mentions in this book that have stuck out to me (again) so far is on how to be more open and generate compassion. She says that openness does not come from resisting our fears but getting to know them well. She points out that the usual reaction to discomfort is to reach for something familiar that we associate with relief then wonder why we stay dissatisfied.

Oh, how familiar this sounds. Rather than just riding the wave of an anxiety attack, I do my hardest to find some way to seek comfort and familiarity to make it go away. Of course, it's not really that easy to just ride it out. But I know I need to become confident that it will pass and I will be able to deal with it in order to free myself. I only wish unlearning this behavior was as easy as it was to learn it. So lately I have been kind of examining my feelings and the source and just trying to be compassionate with myself. One of the biggest things that has been helping me lately is to realize that it is just a feeling and that it will pass. It's not always easy to remember this but it does help. When I was at my worst and very depressed, I found myself in such a state of sadness because I thought that I was going to be stuck like that. I was worried I wouldn't more forward. The thought of being stuck in that sad, fearful state...well I found myself at rock bottom with some very negative thoughts. I lost a lot of hope during that time. When I look back at the progress I've made, I am able to see that with time things have improved. So now I am just throwing time at this problem until one day maybe I will find that I no longer need to. The Dalai Lama mentioned in his book that people should not worry about problems too much. Because the problem either has a solution and if that is the case, then rather than worrying about the problem one should focus on the solution. And if the problem has no solution than there is no need to worry because there is nothing one can do about it anyway. Another one of those easier said than done but, it is quite a simple idea.

Back to Pema Chordon, which is also a Buddhism based book, she mentions that another cause of suffering is spawned from expecting that which is always changing should be predicatble. That the natural flow of the universe is not acceptable to the conventional mind. So thus by expecting what is changing to be permanent, we suffer.

Change is difficult, and sometimes it takes a big push to get it done. I often wonder if that is why I fell back into this state...because I needed to make some big changes in my life and I wasn't doing it on my own. So instead I find myself being shoved into change. It wasn't just like a little loving nudge, it was like a wake up call from the universe, from God...from something bigger than I can probably imagine. Well, clearly the universe/God/you get the idea.. is onto something cuz here I am...totally stopped in my tracks to re-examine my life and trying to make these changes like my life depends on it. And well, it does. The more I have been getting out lately, the more I realize how much I want my life back. How much I want to find some purpose bigger than myself. And while I want my life back, I don't want it back the way it used to be, I want it back in a way that is even better. And why shouldn't I dream this is possible. If other people can get past agoraphobia, why can't I? Anyway, this is getting a bit long and now I think I am just rambling thoughts that are in my head.

Yay!

Well today was the day! My goal for this week as I previously mentioned was to make it to the restaurant by my house to see my friend for his annual poker/bike run. He has done this every year for his birthday for...well I have no idea how long but he is in his 60's now. It's a pretty big event as far as I know, at least for bikers. I had some anxiety throughout the day and like a couple of weeks ago when I went out to Elite, I was feeling quite nervous by the time I needed to go. My friend had told me that the run ended at 4ish and that he would be there after he stopped at home and picked up his car. I was too nervous at first and had a hard time making it out of my neighborhood so I headed home and calmed down a bit and tried again. It took me at least 5 tries to get myself there. The second time when I drove past the place, it was so BUSY! I mean, like biker overload. They had roped off part of the parking lot for his birthday so that he could bring in a band and people could hang outside and there were tons of people everywhere...and bikes! Every time I convinced myself I could do it, I'd change my mind by the time I got to the parking lot and would leave again.

I think I finally just got to the point where I was thinking to myself....I know I can do this...why not at least prove it to myself rather than wonder later whether or not I could. And I really wanted to see my friend. The last time I was able to hang out with him was at his Christmas party two Decembers ago. I was able to make it in long enough to hug him and say hello and chat very briefly then I left. Another 5 minute thing lol. I was SO happy that I was at least able to do that. I am excited for days when I will actually be able to hang out for longer periods of time and feel more at ease. He is a part of the older crowd that I used to hang out with and I do miss being able to chat with him. He has lead and still leads a rather interesting life and I've always enjoyed hearing his stories about what he has been up too. In the past year, he graduated from a culinary school in California which I think is pretty amazing to do at 60ish! I think it just shows that people are capable of many things if they just put their mind to it. Makes me wonder what I am capable of if I can focus my mind better...

Furthest point yet!

Back when I used to get out more, one of my spots to go to during the summer was a car show. If you couldn't already tell, I am kinda sorta into cars maybe just a little. :) When the weather starts getting nice, one of the bars in town hosts a car show every Wed night till the weather gets colder again. It usually goes on from May-ish till Sept-ish. I used to go pretty much every Wed. I've got a lot of friends who are into cars, that's how I met a lot of them. It was something I could go to by myself and I'd usually find someone there I knew to hang out with. Well, last year I didn't go at all. And previously, I had gone for about 3 or 4 summers straight. I was rather disappointed that I wasn't up to going last year. Now that the weather is nice, it has officially started up again. One of my goals for this summer was to attend at least once. I've tried a couple of times these past few weeks with no luck....until last Wed! This was really quite a nice surpise for me because I didn't think I'd have it in me to get there till later in the summer. It's about ten minutes away from my house but it seems very far to me. This is a huge accomplishment for me because it is probably the furthest I've been in the past...several months at least.

It did take me two tries and I only stayed for ten minutes but I was super happy with myself that I made it there. I just kept trying to reassure myself that I wasn't that far from my house and that I could leave when I wanted and call someone if I needed help calming down. This gives me more hope just because I didn't think that I'd make it there till later this summer so if I am able to do this now...who knows where I will be at later in the summer. Of course just because I made it there once doesn't mean I'll be able to make it there again all the time but it certainly makes it a bit easier for the next time I try. I am totally excited to see what this summer has in store for me. Summer is my favorite season and I am ready to fall in love with it again...bugs and all! Last summer, because things weren't doing so well, I didn't have a good summer. Last summer was really when I started to get really depressed and in a bad place. But I am optimistic about this summer.

By kkaci at 2008-03-24

My goal for this week is pretty much to be able to make it to my friends poker/bike run tomorrow. Every year for his birthday he does this huge bike/poker run at some of the bars and restaurants in town. It ends at a restaurant down the street from my house so I decided I would try to go. I know it will be very busy but I have not seen him in a year and a half almost. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awhile and catch up, he always has such interesting things going on in his life and I'd like to catch up with him but crowds are still rough for me. But no matter, I am at least going to try!

Summer is around the corner...

So these past few days have been rather interesting. The weather has been absolutely wonderful and I am totally ready to fall in love with summer. I did get out a little bit this weekend but not for long periods of time. Saturday I went to a car show. It was across from my old job at Transonic. Ahh memories. Anyway, I stayed about 10 minutes, enough to say hi to my friend and get some photos taken. It was just so loud and busy. Later that evening, I stopped back by Dave and Busters. A friend texted me he was there. He also used to have anxiety and has been quite supportive when things were bad. It was packed there and I had to try twice to get there. The first time the parking lot was so full and I couldn't find a space close enough and that kind of put me off. I eventually made it in but it was busy and after about 15 minutes I headed back out. I did try to get out to my friends bar but it's slightly out of my comfort zone and when I got to the lot there it was just so busy that I just went back home. I relaxed with one of my favorite movies, Meet Joe Black. I like how the character Bill, expresses his opinions about love.

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

Sunday I headed to another car show, but again I only stayed about ten minutes. It was at a nearby restaurant. I am going to try to make it there again this Monday because my friend has his birthday bike/poker run end there and I'd really like to see him as I haven't seen him in about a year and a half now. I am a little bummed out that the time out is short because I have really been enjoying seeing more friends but I am definitely glad and grateful that I have been at least getting out and trying. I was able to make it to tonight's class on meditation for an hour so that's a plus, I really wanted to attend this class.

Hanging out at the car show

By kkaci at 2009-05-17

I was given an opportunity to move out of my house this weekend. My grandmother has been recently moved to a assisted living facility because sadly she is unable to take care of herself any longer. Her house is going to be empty till my family decides to sell it, which will not happen till next year. I was told I could live there until they sold it. The big problem is that the area of town she lives in is not where I want to live at all and it is far from everything that I have been familiarized with around here. I'd be able to have company over again, but I'd be far away from everything that I am comfortable around, including some of the places that I have been trying to go to lately. I'm still mulling it over...

A friend has found her way back into my life. Back in December, I had some issues with a very close friend of mine. I felt that she had betrayed me amongst other things but that was it for me and we stopped talking because she did not come forth and apologize. In fact, she had told a mutual friend that I had no reason to be upset. She finally decided to contact me the other day explaining her side of things and say that she did miss the friendship. I told her how I felt and that I wasn't looking for an explanation, I was looking for her to take responsibility for her actions and apologize. She did, which for her is a pretty big step for her. Anyway, we are mending things but I am a little hesitant. I was able to tell her everything that was wrong with our friendship and what needed to be fixed but she tends to be negative and always has some sort of drama going on and I've been really thinking about who I want in my life and I want the people I am surrounded by to be positive people and I just do not have room for that kind of drama. I don't like to hold grudges at all and she did make the effort to apologize so I guess I will just have to let whatever happens happen and be more verbal about any issues.

Lastly, while I have been enjoying spending time with my super delicious friend, I have to admit it has been difficult to keep my feelings at bay. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the situation the way it is. I'm not ready for anything more serious but I think I am afraid to just let go and trust him completely. And it's not really his fault either, it has to do more with past experiences. I have been cheated on by an ex and lied to about other girls more than once. I am a pretty trusting person when it comes down to it and I know that I shouldn't put my distrust onto someone new. When I went out to see him DJ the other week, there was a situation with another girl there and well, I don't want to end up like her. And she was a mess, crying in the bathroom because she saw something between them that wasn't really there. I would know this because I ended up being the one trying to comfort her having NO idea at first it had to do with him...and me. It was...to say the least quite awkward because I am sure that I was the last person she wanted sitting next to her trying to comfort her. I've was able to talk to him about it right away (I'm pretty grateful that communication between us has been easy, at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him) and I do believe what he had to say about the situation but I guess I just find myself having moments where doubt takes over because of the different past experiences. I just want to enjoy things between us for what it is and just have fun with it rather than worry about what could happen because really, I totally enjoy having an affectionate friendship with him. I kind of feel like it's been good thing for me so far because I am getting out a bit more and well, he's definitely helped me feel attractive again and I am a huge fan of the affection...plus I do like him, I enjoy just hanging out and talking. So how does one let go of past experiences and embrace new ones? Suggestions? I think I am just going to take things as it comes at me and deal with it as it happens. Anyway, that's all and I hope that you all have been doing well :)

Moving along.

I notice as my confidence grows that I am more willing to do things that I was unsure about before. Yesterday was my super delicious friend's birthday. I really wanted to celebrate with him so I suggested we go to Dave and Busters and play some games and then do some swimming. Previously, I wouldn't have suggested this since I don't like to make plans because I am afraid I will cancel last minute or get anxious and want to leave. But I kinda thought that it would be nice to be able to do things with him that didn't involve sitting in front of my house. I'm very grateful that he is willing to come hang out with me here just sitting outside but there is only so much that we can do and I want to have more...memorable moments together. I figured that if I get anxious he would probably be willing to help calm me down or even be okay with leaving and trying again when I calmed down. The times I have been a little anxious around him, he's been really good about it so I think that helps things a lot.

It wasn't too busy at Dave and Busters which made things easier on me and I was really happy we were able to do something a little different. I have a gym membership at a place very near my house so we headed to the gym after that and did a little swimming and had some good conversation. I had a very enjoyable evening and I was pretty comfortable most of the night. I am a very affectionate person and I think I have met my match affection-wise! In most cases, in the past, I have always been the more affectionate one and at times that was very hard for me so it's been quite nice to have someone who returns the affection. :)

I was listening to Dave Matthews the other day (who'd have thought right?!) and I was listening to his song Pig. Here are some of the lyrics

There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it
Don't burn the day away

This part stuck out to me. I notice that my depression has really kind of taken a back seat but I still have moments. I've been trying not to get so sucked into those moments. Instead, I have been trying to focus on the fact that things come and go and the feeling will fade again. I've been trying to just enjoy where I am at the moment. Of course that is easier for me to say now that I am getting out more, but I think seeing where I am at from where I used to be...I should enjoy just being able to get out where I am able to get out. I am more aware lately though that moving out needs to be a big goal in the long run. The more I am able to get out and be around people, the more I realize how much it means to me and how it ties into me being happy. Also, having to say goodbye to my super delicious friend at the end of the night rather than being able to wake up next to him is becoming more difficult.

By kkaci at 2009-04-25
I have yet to make it to his house, it is waaaaaay out of my comfort zone sadly. It's going to take a lot of work to get to that point. Even when I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago, the area of town he lives in was something that was harder for me to get to. Anyway, I just miss having my own space, to be free to do what I want. I did miss my Hinduism class tonight but the one I really want to go to is next Tuesday on meditation. Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing well! :)

Reached my goal!

I am very happy to say that I was able to make it out on Friday! The day started out fine, I didn't really get nervous about it until about 6ish. I had been talking to one of my girl friends during the day. She and her husband and some other friends of mine were heading out to a bar nearby my house. I haven't seen them in about a year so I thought I might try to say hi to them too since they were so close.

Now, it's been since last July since I really went out with friends so I decided to do a little shopping. I bought a cute black dress to wear to out to see my super delicious friend. After all, I decided I wanted to make an impression on him! I headed out about 8:30 to see my friends at the first bar. I was totally nervous by then. I didn't even get out of my neighborhood, I was shaking so much. So I drove back home and called a friend. Chatted for a bit and went out to try again. I stopped at Walgreens first to just see how I did going there and then I headed out to see my friends. I was still pretty nervous but I made it out there. Unfortunately, the place was packed and they were all the way at the back of the sports bar. I walked in, hugged all my friends, and walked right back out! I was still kind of shaking and my friends all knew what was up so they were cool with it. Let me pause for a moment and just say that I really appreciate my friends being so understanding. I was totally grateful for it. :) By then, I was a little doubtful I'd be able to make it to Elite. But I headed that way anyway, I have been looking forward to going all week and I'd made up my mind I would try all night if I had to! I made it on the first try and it wasn't really busy which I think helped me a lot.

I ended up staying till close, which was about 3 hours. That was much more than I expected from myself but for some reason I found myself pretty comfortable after awhile. I think it was that I was moving around a lot and some distractions came up that got my mind off of the anxiety. Plus, I find myself feeling very comfortable around my super delicious friend. It was very comforting to have someone there I could just walk over to and hug or hold hands if I got a little anxious. Plus, I must say, it was rather distracting to watch him DJ since I find him utterly irresistable. And it was kind of cool to be up there watching him do whatever...since I had no idea what everything was for. Maybe next time. :) I forgot how much I missed dancing and being out so I was so happy that it worked out.

The rest of the weekend went pretty well. Saturday, I made it to the gym to actually work out and today I made it to the temple and then baked some brownies since my super delicious friend has a birthday tomorrow. :)

He's Just not that into You.

So this whole week I have been pushing myself a little more to get out. Plus, I feel quite frustrated around the house because of the family issues that have been going on. Tuesday I was able to make it to the Hinduism class for an hour and I am looking forward to go again. I've been trying to drive a little bit further so I can begin to make my comfort area a bit bigger. I really want to be at the point where I can start to hang out around people again, I've noticed myself getting lonely again lately. So I've been slightly more irritable lately. Anyway, I also made it to a movie on Tuesday! Now, this is kind of a big deal since I really don't like to go to movies at all. They have a theater about 5 minutes away from my house that plays movies when they are not as popular at a really cheap price. They were playing He is Just Not That into You. I figured it'd probably be good practice to see if I could sit there for two hours and also if I needed to walk out, I only wasted 2 bucks. Plus I've read the book and I was quite curious to see the movie. I went by myself, which yes was kind of awkward. I am usually fine with going places by myself but for some reason going to a movie by myself was just plain weird. I didn't want to invite anyone because I didn't want to drag them to a movie to just end up walking out because I wasn't sure how long I'd be okay with it. About an hour into it, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable but I managed to sit through it.

By kkaci at 2009-05-07

The movie was pretty cute, it had the happy ending for the most part, you know how it goes. It kind of got me thinking though. The book itself is written by a guy who is putting it out there bluntly about guys and how they feel about girls. The chapters are titled like...He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out, he's just not that into you if he is not calling, he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you, he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you, etc. Some of this stuff seems pretty obvious on but then again I am not a guy, I have no idea how they think. It was definitely interesting to read but I'm curious...how does a guy show you that he is into you? I'm always curious about the guys perspective about things, I've recently had some conversations on romance from a guys point of view which is always nice to know! So...guys...care to share? :)

By kkaci at 2009-05-07

Anyway, I was stoked to be able to have done all of that this week. Today, I am feeling a little bit more anxious. I think it comes back to that idea of the rug being pulled out from under me. I am trying not to focus on it too much and hopefully this feeling passes because I keep picturing myself being able to go out and do things with people and move out in the future actually being a possibility sooner than I may have thought. Plus, I am really hoping that I can make it out tomorrow night for more than 5 minutes!

On connecting with others

When it comes to people, I tend to be able to open up pretty easily. I am an open book for the most part. Sometimes it takes me awhile to be open about the agoraphobia but for the most part, lately at least, I've found that when I talk to people about it they are pretty understanding. However, when it comes down to actually being anxious around people, even people I know and am friends with, things are a little different. Irrational thinking takes over and I tend to believe that if someone actually sees me panic, it'll be embarrassing and horrible. I'll lose my friends, people will think I'm a total nut case or stuck up, or a bad person...something along those lines. I feel like I will automatically be judged in a negative view. I've been thinking about this and having some discussions with friends about it lately. I am beginning to think that I need to give people more credit, especially my friends in this situation. Why would I even think I'd lose my friends over something like this when they are already aware of it anyway? Well, I suppose in the past I have had some rather questionable friends and there was a lot of gossip behind my back about it but those people really aren't in my life anymore.

I realize that many people with anxiety go through the worst case scenarios in their head and this is one of mine but really, this thinking needs to die. I need to begin to believe that my friends would support me through any sort of anxiety I'd go through. I think this might help me be more comfortable getting out to places, believing that there are people around me who would totally be okay with things and for those who don't know me, are probably too wrapped up in their own lives to notice me having a moment.

One of the books I've read that I love is The Art of Happiness. I think I have mentioned this before. In one of the chapters, the Dalai Lama talks about compassion and how he feels an immediate connection with others. He explains that by being compassionate it is easier to communicate with others because it creates this sort of openness. There is less reason to feel fearful, to hide things. When he meets someone he approaches that person from the viewpoint of all the things they have in common.

"We each have a physical structure, a mind, and emotions. We are all born the same way, and we all die. All of us want happiness and do not want to suffer. Looking at others from this standpoint rather than emphasizing secondary differences such as the fact I am Tibetan, or a different color, or cultural background, allows me to have the feeling that I am meeting someone just the same as me."


By kkaci at 2009-05-04

I read this book the last time I had a down phase about three years ago. This book helped me see things differently but mostly about compassion and suffering. Everybody suffers. It helped me stop feeling like a victim. Now, don't get me wrong, on my worst days I still fall into feeling a little woe is me but overall I feel like everyone has their own problems and if other people can get past their problems there should be no reason why I can't get past mine too. But back to compassion...I am re-reading this book again and this part stuck out to me. I think that maybe if I try to keep this in mind when I am out with people maybe I will feel more comfortable about having a little anxiety around them. Rather than automatically assuming people are going to negatively react to me, I should try to be more compassionate about the situation. I realize that I have some amazingly kind friends. Why would I even think they wouldn't show that sort of kindness in any sort of situation? I am sure my little negative voice will speak up and try to be irrational with me but I think I am going to make a little more effort in trusting others seeing me at my worst.

I made it to the temple again yesterday. I have been enjoying my talks with the spiritual teacher. He starts his Hinduism class tomorrow and I think I may try to attend those. It'd be good practice for me to get out and I think that some of the stuff he is teaching will be valuable to learn. I know that there is an entire class on meditation and the benefits. The meeting with the photographer has been put on hold, but luckily he seems to be pretty understanding about the whole thing. Hopefully soon though! My big goal for this week is to make it to Elite again and actually stay for awhile. I am super excited about going so I really hope that I make it.

Artwork

My latest creation. 6x12 acrylic.


By kkaci at 2009-05-01