Future planning

Robert made a comment on his blog today about fear making decisions that hits pretty close to home for me as well. Thinking back, I realize that many of my decisions have been made out of fear rather than by me. I know that I want to get to a point where I am making decisions without letting fear rule. I don't want agoraphobia to run my life anymore. I want to go out because I want to go out..not because I feel I have to go out and I want to stay home because I want to stay home...not because I'm worried what will happen if I go out. I just want to be able to make decisions that are my own...not plagued by all the what-ifs. I realize that many decisions have their own what-ifs but I'd like to reduce them by...a lot!

I've done a lot of thinking today for some reason. About what I want for myself and what I need to do to get there. I've realized that I want happiness to be a state of mind not just an emotion for myself. I want to be able to enjoy life as each moment goes by and I'd like to do something positive while I am living this life. I want to be able to accept that life is unpredictable and embrace it. And lastly, I want to fall deeply in love someday. Some of the times I have been at my best was when I was loving someone. I have this innate need to take care of someone and with things being so limited, I haven't been able to do that since dating has been out of the question. I do look forward to the day where I am able to give my best to someone else again. :)

I am currently reading The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron. Well, more like re-reading it. I find it helpful to re-read things because I am constantly forgetting stuff. I ask a lot of the same questions sometimes not because I am not listening but because I forget so easily. Two things that she mentions in this book that have stuck out to me (again) so far is on how to be more open and generate compassion. She says that openness does not come from resisting our fears but getting to know them well. She points out that the usual reaction to discomfort is to reach for something familiar that we associate with relief then wonder why we stay dissatisfied.

Oh, how familiar this sounds. Rather than just riding the wave of an anxiety attack, I do my hardest to find some way to seek comfort and familiarity to make it go away. Of course, it's not really that easy to just ride it out. But I know I need to become confident that it will pass and I will be able to deal with it in order to free myself. I only wish unlearning this behavior was as easy as it was to learn it. So lately I have been kind of examining my feelings and the source and just trying to be compassionate with myself. One of the biggest things that has been helping me lately is to realize that it is just a feeling and that it will pass. It's not always easy to remember this but it does help. When I was at my worst and very depressed, I found myself in such a state of sadness because I thought that I was going to be stuck like that. I was worried I wouldn't more forward. The thought of being stuck in that sad, fearful state...well I found myself at rock bottom with some very negative thoughts. I lost a lot of hope during that time. When I look back at the progress I've made, I am able to see that with time things have improved. So now I am just throwing time at this problem until one day maybe I will find that I no longer need to. The Dalai Lama mentioned in his book that people should not worry about problems too much. Because the problem either has a solution and if that is the case, then rather than worrying about the problem one should focus on the solution. And if the problem has no solution than there is no need to worry because there is nothing one can do about it anyway. Another one of those easier said than done but, it is quite a simple idea.

Back to Pema Chordon, which is also a Buddhism based book, she mentions that another cause of suffering is spawned from expecting that which is always changing should be predicatble. That the natural flow of the universe is not acceptable to the conventional mind. So thus by expecting what is changing to be permanent, we suffer.

Change is difficult, and sometimes it takes a big push to get it done. I often wonder if that is why I fell back into this state...because I needed to make some big changes in my life and I wasn't doing it on my own. So instead I find myself being shoved into change. It wasn't just like a little loving nudge, it was like a wake up call from the universe, from God...from something bigger than I can probably imagine. Well, clearly the universe/God/you get the idea.. is onto something cuz here I am...totally stopped in my tracks to re-examine my life and trying to make these changes like my life depends on it. And well, it does. The more I have been getting out lately, the more I realize how much I want my life back. How much I want to find some purpose bigger than myself. And while I want my life back, I don't want it back the way it used to be, I want it back in a way that is even better. And why shouldn't I dream this is possible. If other people can get past agoraphobia, why can't I? Anyway, this is getting a bit long and now I think I am just rambling thoughts that are in my head.