Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone had a lovely holiday. I know that anxiety can be a menace for a lot of us during the holidays so I hope that everyone was able to enjoy theirs. I'm happy to say that this year, things went really smoothly for me and I am very grateful. Thanksgiving was just sad this year and the family was unable to get together so I am really glad that we were able to get together for Christmas and that I had very little anxiety. It did pop up every now and then but I was able to talk myself through it and busy myself with some projects.
I am definitely looking forward to the New Year and seeing what I can get accomplished. I've been in a down phase for so long now, I really hope that I am on my way back up. Sometimes it's really hard to tell though, you know? With setbacks and bad days, it all seems to get jumbled up. There are days I feel I am forward, only to feel I am falling behind the next day. I guess all I can keep doing is trying my best.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Giving myself credit.
I've been having one of those days where my body just feels more sensitive to anxiety. I feel slightly exhausted and just worn out but jumpy. I was having a moment where I was just feel really anxious over wanting to be able to get out and just run to the store and not feeling up to it because of the anxiety. My therapist told me that I needed to start making note of when I was doing well and I realized that I am so focused on everything that I feel I am unable to do that I don't really recognize when I am doing well. For example, when I am able to get to the store, I am glad about it but I don't really give myself credit for it because I feel like it's something I just should be able to do because, well...it's something that people are normally able to do! So when I am able to do it, I feel like I am catching up to the rest of the world not doing something extraordinary.
But I am not normally able to do that. It's not something that comes easy for me. It may be for most of the population but I am not most of the population. I am so focused on feeling like I SHOULD be able to run to the store with ease because it's what most people are normally able to do. I realized I need to stop acting like it's something I SHOULD be able to do and give myself a little more credit when I am able to do it because it is difficult for me. By thinking I should be able to do these things, I end up not giving myself credit when I do. And by being so focused on everything I'm unable to do at the moment, just makes me feel worse about ourselves.
Eckhart Tolle explains that it's the story we tell ourselves that end up getting us all upset, angry, etc. We think something should or should not be happening but it is and by not accepting the moment, is where our struggle lies. While I've found it very difficult to stop telling myself the story I keep telling myself that makes me feel anxiety or sadness, I do see the sense in what he is saying and I am going to try to keep it in mind when I do get all worked up. I am sure I'll still get upset when I am unable to do certain things, but I am hoping maybe I will start being nicer to myself about it.
But I am not normally able to do that. It's not something that comes easy for me. It may be for most of the population but I am not most of the population. I am so focused on feeling like I SHOULD be able to run to the store with ease because it's what most people are normally able to do. I realized I need to stop acting like it's something I SHOULD be able to do and give myself a little more credit when I am able to do it because it is difficult for me. By thinking I should be able to do these things, I end up not giving myself credit when I do. And by being so focused on everything I'm unable to do at the moment, just makes me feel worse about ourselves.
Eckhart Tolle explains that it's the story we tell ourselves that end up getting us all upset, angry, etc. We think something should or should not be happening but it is and by not accepting the moment, is where our struggle lies. While I've found it very difficult to stop telling myself the story I keep telling myself that makes me feel anxiety or sadness, I do see the sense in what he is saying and I am going to try to keep it in mind when I do get all worked up. I am sure I'll still get upset when I am unable to do certain things, but I am hoping maybe I will start being nicer to myself about it.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saying goodbye
So I am thankful to say that despite all the issues I had last night trying to get to my grandmother's wake, that I was able to attend her funeral this morning. I did have some anxiety about it while getting ready but I had to tell myself that all I could do is do the best I can. This is the first funeral I have been able to get to. It was quite sad. I had hoped to be strong and be a support for my family but I think in the long run they ended up being a support to me because I ended up getting really sad.
My grandmother was battling with Alzheimer disease in her older age and so I do feel that she is now in a better place and is reunited with my grandpa who she loved dearly. May she rest in peace. <3
My grandmother was battling with Alzheimer disease in her older age and so I do feel that she is now in a better place and is reunited with my grandpa who she loved dearly. May she rest in peace. <3
Monday, December 5, 2011
Funerals and anxiety
Don't mix well at all.
On Friday, my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, this has been a rough couple of weeks on my family, first with the cancer scare and now with the passing of my grandmother. I am sad but she lived a long life. She was 86 when she went and apparently it was very peaceful and painless for her when she died. She has been battling with Alzheimers for the past few years and now she can be at peace and reunited with my grandpa. So while there is sadness for her loss, I feel she is in a better place and am glad she went peacefully.
Her wake was tonight and it ended up being a lot harder for me to get to than I thought. I figured that I'd be able to drive there and stay until the anxiety drove me to go home but at least I'd have made it for a bit. I mean, the funeral home isn't even that far from me, less than ten minutes. Oh how wrong I was. The minute I left my house, I was consumed with anxiety and what-if thoughts. I got about a quarter of the way there before I turned around. Sat in my driveway a bit and tried again. Got about halfway there before I turned around again.
I feel like I am an awful person. What sort of person can't even be there to provide support for my family in this time of loss? I feel selfish because I can't overcome my fear. I wasn't able to make it to the last funeral for my uncle a couple of years ago either but it was a lot further away. This was just down the street! What is wrong with me? Why am I not strong enough to do this? I'm blessed with an understanding family who has told me that they understand and that my grandma would have understood too. But I wanted to be able to be there! I want to do able to be a strong person for other people. My heart aches.
On Friday, my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, this has been a rough couple of weeks on my family, first with the cancer scare and now with the passing of my grandmother. I am sad but she lived a long life. She was 86 when she went and apparently it was very peaceful and painless for her when she died. She has been battling with Alzheimers for the past few years and now she can be at peace and reunited with my grandpa. So while there is sadness for her loss, I feel she is in a better place and am glad she went peacefully.
Her wake was tonight and it ended up being a lot harder for me to get to than I thought. I figured that I'd be able to drive there and stay until the anxiety drove me to go home but at least I'd have made it for a bit. I mean, the funeral home isn't even that far from me, less than ten minutes. Oh how wrong I was. The minute I left my house, I was consumed with anxiety and what-if thoughts. I got about a quarter of the way there before I turned around. Sat in my driveway a bit and tried again. Got about halfway there before I turned around again.
I feel like I am an awful person. What sort of person can't even be there to provide support for my family in this time of loss? I feel selfish because I can't overcome my fear. I wasn't able to make it to the last funeral for my uncle a couple of years ago either but it was a lot further away. This was just down the street! What is wrong with me? Why am I not strong enough to do this? I'm blessed with an understanding family who has told me that they understand and that my grandma would have understood too. But I wanted to be able to be there! I want to do able to be a strong person for other people. My heart aches.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
More ups and downs
I am definitely having one of those moments of frustration. I need to go pay my insurance bill and I was on my way to go to get it done and I just got anxious and turned around. The whole time I was thinking how I just need to be strong and do it only to give in halfway there. It's not even that far from me. I really hate that the anxiety interferes in such small ways. I just want to go pay my bill. Something people do every day and don't think twice about! Why does it have to be so difficult? I am super crabby.
I suppose at least I got halfway there. At least I got out of my house and I know I'll eventually be able to do it. It just bugs me that I can't just make up my own schedule sometimes. Like, I can't just plan out my day and know that I'll be able to get everything done I want to.
Overall, things have just been very up and down. While I didn't have much anxiety over the holidays which was a blessing, this was probably our worst Thanksgiving ever as we found out on Thanksgiving that one of my family members had cancer. I say had, because he was able to have surgery right away and the doctors believe that they were able to remove it all before it spread! So I am thankful to say I think that he was quite fortunate to have caught it early and that he will be okay. I have been quite upset with myself though as I wasn't able to make it to the hospital. I feel like an awful person. These are the moments it's really hard to be accepting and patient with myself and the agoraphobia.
I suppose at least I got halfway there. At least I got out of my house and I know I'll eventually be able to do it. It just bugs me that I can't just make up my own schedule sometimes. Like, I can't just plan out my day and know that I'll be able to get everything done I want to.
Overall, things have just been very up and down. While I didn't have much anxiety over the holidays which was a blessing, this was probably our worst Thanksgiving ever as we found out on Thanksgiving that one of my family members had cancer. I say had, because he was able to have surgery right away and the doctors believe that they were able to remove it all before it spread! So I am thankful to say I think that he was quite fortunate to have caught it early and that he will be okay. I have been quite upset with myself though as I wasn't able to make it to the hospital. I feel like an awful person. These are the moments it's really hard to be accepting and patient with myself and the agoraphobia.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Addiction
So a friend of mine recently introduced me to my newest addition. It makes me giddy, excited and I can spend hours on it. Hello newest craze, Pinterest. For those who aren't familiar, Pinterest is a website where you can "pin" up photos, ideas, etc to share with others. I have found new recipes, new workouts, fashion, and tons of amazing DIY projects. I seriously love it. All of the photos and ideas that I've seen on there have totally given me some inspiration for ideas of my own not to mention some great projects that I am looking forward to trying out. All of these new projects has got me quite excited! I totally wish that I had a steady income so that I could have money to spend on stuff like this but some of it is fairly inexpensive. I definitely recommend signing up.
I had a rather rough week last week dealing with anxiety but this week seems to be going a little bit better. I have moments where I just get sick of myself. I get so tired of having it be such a hassle just to run errands. The other day I was hoping to go to the bank, which is seriously 5 minutes from my house. I drove there then wouldn't get out of my car so I went home and I was just absolutely upset. So I curled into a ball on my bed and cried for awhile but decided it was something I could do another day, I just wanted to get it done then. And I remembered that I need to try to be nicer to myself. I don't remember all the time, but when making a change sometimes even the small steps help towards the bigger picture. Anyway, this week has gone better.
Overall, I do think loneliness is getting to me. I haven't been able to get out and be around friends for quite awhile and even have stopped trying to go out on the weekends. For awhile, I was able to go to a place near my house but they closed a couple of months ago and I haven't found a new place where I'd feel comfortable going alone that is in my comfort zone. Elite was one of the places that I could manage because I could go alone and I'd know people there and it was nearby. I really miss having a boyfriend. How do other agoraphobics meet people and date? The times I've dated before it's because I was going through a good spell or it was a friend who already knew the situation and knew me enough to not be weirded out. *sigh*
I had a rather rough week last week dealing with anxiety but this week seems to be going a little bit better. I have moments where I just get sick of myself. I get so tired of having it be such a hassle just to run errands. The other day I was hoping to go to the bank, which is seriously 5 minutes from my house. I drove there then wouldn't get out of my car so I went home and I was just absolutely upset. So I curled into a ball on my bed and cried for awhile but decided it was something I could do another day, I just wanted to get it done then. And I remembered that I need to try to be nicer to myself. I don't remember all the time, but when making a change sometimes even the small steps help towards the bigger picture. Anyway, this week has gone better.
Overall, I do think loneliness is getting to me. I haven't been able to get out and be around friends for quite awhile and even have stopped trying to go out on the weekends. For awhile, I was able to go to a place near my house but they closed a couple of months ago and I haven't found a new place where I'd feel comfortable going alone that is in my comfort zone. Elite was one of the places that I could manage because I could go alone and I'd know people there and it was nearby. I really miss having a boyfriend. How do other agoraphobics meet people and date? The times I've dated before it's because I was going through a good spell or it was a friend who already knew the situation and knew me enough to not be weirded out. *sigh*
Friday, November 11, 2011
Motivation
So I was watching Jay Leno tonight and one of his guests caught my attention. The more I listened to him, the more I realized what a great attitude he had about his life. He has reasons to be down but he chooses to look ahead and be positive. I found an inspiration speech of his on youtube and what he is saying just really made so much sense to me. I love stumbling on to this sort of things because it really does put things into perspective. Yes, agoraphobia makes life hard for me but I can choose to keep looking forward. I know I will still have my bad days. In fact, this whole week has been a really rough one. But watching this video definitely lightened my mood and allows me to see that I can make choices still. I know I'll have bad days again, but I hope that I can keep this in mind to help me get through them. Here is one of his videos, his name is JR Martinez
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sometimes I'd like to give anxiety a good swift kick.
I am having quite the frustrated moment. *sigh* Things have been really up and down lately, which is better than just being down all the time so at least I've had some positive moments with things moving forward. It's just getting really frustrating because I start to get excited that things are going well and then they get difficult again and it is such a let down! Currently, I am having some difficulties running some errands I need to get done. I am grateful I have friends I can ask for help but I think the most frustrating thing is that I want to be able to do them myself so I can get them done on my time. It's seems like a lot of things I've wanted to get done, I end of waiting on because I end up having such a difficult time with them, I end up having to ask someone to help me. It leaves me in a state of feeling helpless. I'm just tired of pushing against the same struggles I have had for years. I feel as though I haven't really grown much. Thinking back, all the problems I am dealing with now, I was dealing with when I was 18, that's ten years ago!
I think it's been what is causing the huge hit to my self esteem lately. I've been finding it hard to feel confident about myself and I believe it is because I don't have much going on at the moment to pull confidence from.
I am hoping in the next few weeks to get some good news. I was able to acquire a note from my therapist which I have sent to one of the campus counselors to see if I can figure out a way to get my degree without having to go into the school. Now that I have the note, they will be willing to work with me and so I am hoping to hear something from this soon. Also, I am hoping that I can work with a business to sell one of my projects I've been working on. I am very excited about this and very grateful that person who contacted me is understanding and willing to meet up with me nearby my house. I was upfront about the anxiety and she was very understanding! I think that dealing with agoraphobia, my biggest concern has always been that people will not want to work with me, not be understanding, not want to date me because of it so it was very comforting to know that when I explained my problem briefly, it was not a big deal at all. Now I am just hoping the meeting goes well and she wants to work with me!
I think it's been what is causing the huge hit to my self esteem lately. I've been finding it hard to feel confident about myself and I believe it is because I don't have much going on at the moment to pull confidence from.
I am hoping in the next few weeks to get some good news. I was able to acquire a note from my therapist which I have sent to one of the campus counselors to see if I can figure out a way to get my degree without having to go into the school. Now that I have the note, they will be willing to work with me and so I am hoping to hear something from this soon. Also, I am hoping that I can work with a business to sell one of my projects I've been working on. I am very excited about this and very grateful that person who contacted me is understanding and willing to meet up with me nearby my house. I was upfront about the anxiety and she was very understanding! I think that dealing with agoraphobia, my biggest concern has always been that people will not want to work with me, not be understanding, not want to date me because of it so it was very comforting to know that when I explained my problem briefly, it was not a big deal at all. Now I am just hoping the meeting goes well and she wants to work with me!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Up and downs.
I feel lately like my emotions are just on some long roller coaster. I find moments where I feel positive and hopeful but then in the same day I find moments where I am just at the end of my rope with myself. It's the same way with progress lately too. I've been doing well some days then other days I feel I am not doing enough.
I've been able to get out to go to restaurants in my area with some friends, so it's been defintely nice to be able to see some of my friends again. But I am still spending a lot of time around home and it's getting me really down. I used to go out to a club nearby my house. Sometimes I only made it for 10 minutes but it was something to do on the weekends that got me out and trying and got me around people who I enjoyed to see as I got to know most of the regulars and people who worked there well enough. Sadly, the place closed about 3 weeks ago and now I find myself back at home doing nothing. I've been trying to see it as an opportunity to try to get out further to new places but all the other places are just out of my current comfort zone. And I don't know anybody at these new places.
I feel like I have all this time on my hands and I don't know what to do. I'm not in school, the way things have been with the anxiety makes it difficult for me to work and I haven't found any work from home jobs around here that are legit. I've been living on my savings and I am almost out. It's causing me a huge deal of stress and just not having absolutely any clue what to do.
On the bright side, I have a phone appt with the community college here in hopes of finding a way to finish a degree. They do offer help for disability so I am hoping that I will be able to find a way to eventually earn my degree. I am very close to an associates but I needed to have some actual classes and I am hoping maybe they can work with me to make all my classes online one. Fingers crossed!
I've been able to get out to go to restaurants in my area with some friends, so it's been defintely nice to be able to see some of my friends again. But I am still spending a lot of time around home and it's getting me really down. I used to go out to a club nearby my house. Sometimes I only made it for 10 minutes but it was something to do on the weekends that got me out and trying and got me around people who I enjoyed to see as I got to know most of the regulars and people who worked there well enough. Sadly, the place closed about 3 weeks ago and now I find myself back at home doing nothing. I've been trying to see it as an opportunity to try to get out further to new places but all the other places are just out of my current comfort zone. And I don't know anybody at these new places.
I feel like I have all this time on my hands and I don't know what to do. I'm not in school, the way things have been with the anxiety makes it difficult for me to work and I haven't found any work from home jobs around here that are legit. I've been living on my savings and I am almost out. It's causing me a huge deal of stress and just not having absolutely any clue what to do.
On the bright side, I have a phone appt with the community college here in hopes of finding a way to finish a degree. They do offer help for disability so I am hoping that I will be able to find a way to eventually earn my degree. I am very close to an associates but I needed to have some actual classes and I am hoping maybe they can work with me to make all my classes online one. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
One of those days.
I am having one of those days where I just wish that SOMETHING, just ONE thing in my life was figured out. Just one thing that was simple. School, working, being able to get out and see my friends, dating, can't just one of those be easy? I'd just like one thing where I can just say in my mind, for sure "hey, I can do this." Without all the doubt and wondering how to do it while dealing with agoraphobia, or having an escape route. It's not like I am asking for it all to be easy, but just one thing...
How many other agoraphobics are unable to work? How do you pay the bills?
My brain hurts. -_-
How many other agoraphobics are unable to work? How do you pay the bills?
My brain hurts. -_-
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A little dose of positivity.
I remember reading a book on happiness a few years ago that was talking about how (at the time, as this was written awhile ago) that most psychologists just focused on treating the symptoms of whatever it was that was afflicting the person. Say if a person was depressed, then the focus was to get the person to a point where the depression was gone. Like if the person was depressed and it could be rated at like...a -3 the point was to get the person back to 0 but not a lot of emphasis was put on maybe bringing the person to a +3. I don't know if this makes sense, the way I am explaining it. The point is that lack of depression does not mean a person is happy. I hope that makes more sense. So just focusing on alieviating the symptoms of depression does not mean the person will just automatically be happy.
So I have been reading a book called The How of Happiness and it talks about how to live a happier life because happiness is more of a mind frame than just an emotion, something that I completely agree with. It has some exercises on how to nurture a more positive frame of mind.
So I've decided to try to take some time each week to go over oh...say...things I appreciate...or things that are positive from a experience that may be negative and focos on what I am doing right. Focusing on what I am doing right is supposed to help people feel more confident which I think I could use a boost of at the moment.
So today I am writing about a few things that I appreciate.
1. I appreciate my friends. I think if I could say for sure that I've done anything right in my life it is befriend some really great people. One of my friends stopped by my house today and it was just really nice to be thought of. Another one of my friends invited me to the Katy Perry concert and even though I had to decline :( mainly because the place is so far away for me and the crowd would make it even worse, I felt very happy to be thought of. My ex from a few years ago ordered Chiplotle for me because he knows I've been down and food cheers me up. I don't think I could ask for more wonderful people.
2. I appreiate the time to work on my art. Being more housebound than I'd like can be seriously frustrating at times but it also gives me time to work on my art, which I really do enjoy.
3. I appreciate music because sometimes it just makes me feel so much better. I have been listening to Adele non-stop lately. Between her amazing voice and lyrics that I can totally relate to, I am in love.
So I have been reading a book called The How of Happiness and it talks about how to live a happier life because happiness is more of a mind frame than just an emotion, something that I completely agree with. It has some exercises on how to nurture a more positive frame of mind.
So I've decided to try to take some time each week to go over oh...say...things I appreciate...or things that are positive from a experience that may be negative and focos on what I am doing right. Focusing on what I am doing right is supposed to help people feel more confident which I think I could use a boost of at the moment.
So today I am writing about a few things that I appreciate.
1. I appreciate my friends. I think if I could say for sure that I've done anything right in my life it is befriend some really great people. One of my friends stopped by my house today and it was just really nice to be thought of. Another one of my friends invited me to the Katy Perry concert and even though I had to decline :( mainly because the place is so far away for me and the crowd would make it even worse, I felt very happy to be thought of. My ex from a few years ago ordered Chiplotle for me because he knows I've been down and food cheers me up. I don't think I could ask for more wonderful people.
2. I appreiate the time to work on my art. Being more housebound than I'd like can be seriously frustrating at times but it also gives me time to work on my art, which I really do enjoy.
3. I appreciate music because sometimes it just makes me feel so much better. I have been listening to Adele non-stop lately. Between her amazing voice and lyrics that I can totally relate to, I am in love.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Just keep swimming
I've been realizing lately that I've fallen into one of those ruts where I am so focused on all the things I've been doing wrong, or all the things I am unable to do. No wonder I end up getting depressed. :\
So I've decided to try to be more positive and focus on the things I have been doing right. And I have to admit, I'm doing a lot better than I was 6 months ago. Even if I am not getting out as much as I'd like, just generally, I feel better. I've been able to reassure myself a lot better than I was then too. I've been trying to focus more on gratitude for the things I do have. I think when I get lost in the things I don't have that I want, it puts me in a bad place. It's hard to stay positive when things are difficult and I keep running into brick walls...it's exhausting but I refuse to lose faith, because that is a dark place to be. Fall down 7 times, pick yourself up 8 times. Even if there are times all I want to do is just lay there. Have you ever watched the movie Finding Nemo? There is a part in the movie where they are swimming into dark water and she says "Just Keep Swimming" That's been running through my mind lately as a motto to keep going.
I still meditate. I still only do it for 20 minutes lol. Half the time I feel like I'm not getting it but still I do it. I've been sticking to exercising. Getting a Wii Fit a few months ago has been a really good thing. The days I don't feel like I can get to the gym, I just use the Wii Fit. I've been focused on things with my shoe designs. I've been getting people who order shoes from me every now and then. It's very slow but I hope that things will pick up. It's def been a good thing to have something of my own to focus on even if it does cause stress sometimes!
I have been single for almost a year now. Totally and completely to myself, no dates...nothing. It's taken me almost a year to completely get over my ex to the point where I am intersted in other guys but lately I've been thinking about trying to date again. I am not sure how this will work yet, I still have difficulties going to restaurants and movies but I am hoping that the right guy will come along and understand my situation. I hope that I can remember that regardless of the agoraphobia, I am still worthy of a good relationship. Sometimes I feel like guys are settling for me but everyone has their problems. I know I can treat someone very wonderfully if given the opportunity and this time I want to go into things knowing that I deserve to be treated wonderfully to. I know my circumstances make it difficult and guys have had a hard time in the past but that hasn't stopped really great guys from being in love with me, ones that I saw a future with. I won't ruin it by pushing my insecurities onto him this time. I believe in love and I believe I am meant to find someone who will love me for me and who I will love for who he is. Love will find a way.
So I've decided to try to be more positive and focus on the things I have been doing right. And I have to admit, I'm doing a lot better than I was 6 months ago. Even if I am not getting out as much as I'd like, just generally, I feel better. I've been able to reassure myself a lot better than I was then too. I've been trying to focus more on gratitude for the things I do have. I think when I get lost in the things I don't have that I want, it puts me in a bad place. It's hard to stay positive when things are difficult and I keep running into brick walls...it's exhausting but I refuse to lose faith, because that is a dark place to be. Fall down 7 times, pick yourself up 8 times. Even if there are times all I want to do is just lay there. Have you ever watched the movie Finding Nemo? There is a part in the movie where they are swimming into dark water and she says "Just Keep Swimming" That's been running through my mind lately as a motto to keep going.
I still meditate. I still only do it for 20 minutes lol. Half the time I feel like I'm not getting it but still I do it. I've been sticking to exercising. Getting a Wii Fit a few months ago has been a really good thing. The days I don't feel like I can get to the gym, I just use the Wii Fit. I've been focused on things with my shoe designs. I've been getting people who order shoes from me every now and then. It's very slow but I hope that things will pick up. It's def been a good thing to have something of my own to focus on even if it does cause stress sometimes!
I have been single for almost a year now. Totally and completely to myself, no dates...nothing. It's taken me almost a year to completely get over my ex to the point where I am intersted in other guys but lately I've been thinking about trying to date again. I am not sure how this will work yet, I still have difficulties going to restaurants and movies but I am hoping that the right guy will come along and understand my situation. I hope that I can remember that regardless of the agoraphobia, I am still worthy of a good relationship. Sometimes I feel like guys are settling for me but everyone has their problems. I know I can treat someone very wonderfully if given the opportunity and this time I want to go into things knowing that I deserve to be treated wonderfully to. I know my circumstances make it difficult and guys have had a hard time in the past but that hasn't stopped really great guys from being in love with me, ones that I saw a future with. I won't ruin it by pushing my insecurities onto him this time. I believe in love and I believe I am meant to find someone who will love me for me and who I will love for who he is. Love will find a way.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Brick Walls
So lately I feel like I keep running up against brick walls. I've been getting out enough to feel like I am doing better, even venturing further every now and then but it doesn't seem like enough is progressing to make a difference. I am glad to be able to be getting out consistently.
I've been frustrated because I've been really unhappy lately. I am currently not seeing a therapist but I feel it would be helpful to find one. The problem is that I am not working, so I have no health insurance and paying for therapy is something I can't really afford to do at the moment. I've actually thought about trying to Linden Method, until I found out how expensive it is! I feel like I am running around in circles, obviously getting no where.
I'm 28 now, not working and am without a degree. I feel like I am just getting older. I've been working on things with shoes, but I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, business wise. Creating wise, is no problem. Figuring out the business aspect of things, well I just don't have any education in that area. I'd love to get a degree in fashion design but the one degree I found online was insanely expensive. Even with financial aid, I'd be in school debt till I was like, 80. I just wish I could find a hole in the brick wall somewhere. I'll keep looking of course but as you can probably tell from the tone of this blog that it has been wearing me down. All these brick walls are emotionally bruising to keep running into! This is one of those times where I just feel like if I didn't have the agoraphobia or if I was just strong enough to conquer it, my life would be open to so much more. I don't like thinking that way because that's just not the way things are. And I do believe that since agoraphobia is something I deal with, yet I find something I believe is possible, then there is a way. Even if it takes some creative thinking. The path less followed.
I've been frustrated because I've been really unhappy lately. I am currently not seeing a therapist but I feel it would be helpful to find one. The problem is that I am not working, so I have no health insurance and paying for therapy is something I can't really afford to do at the moment. I've actually thought about trying to Linden Method, until I found out how expensive it is! I feel like I am running around in circles, obviously getting no where.
I'm 28 now, not working and am without a degree. I feel like I am just getting older. I've been working on things with shoes, but I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, business wise. Creating wise, is no problem. Figuring out the business aspect of things, well I just don't have any education in that area. I'd love to get a degree in fashion design but the one degree I found online was insanely expensive. Even with financial aid, I'd be in school debt till I was like, 80. I just wish I could find a hole in the brick wall somewhere. I'll keep looking of course but as you can probably tell from the tone of this blog that it has been wearing me down. All these brick walls are emotionally bruising to keep running into! This is one of those times where I just feel like if I didn't have the agoraphobia or if I was just strong enough to conquer it, my life would be open to so much more. I don't like thinking that way because that's just not the way things are. And I do believe that since agoraphobia is something I deal with, yet I find something I believe is possible, then there is a way. Even if it takes some creative thinking. The path less followed.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Fashion Show
Well the fashion show has come and gone. I can't believe it came so quickly! It was very exciting to be able to be a part of a fashion show but I was sad I wasn't able to actually be there. My friend who is helping me with Head Over Heels represented the shoes for me and said that the turnout was pretty good and that people really liked the shoes! So that was nice, I had so many worries this week. Worries that didn't even make sense. One of them was that my shoes would just fall apart on stage, like a bow or the flowers would fall off even though I know I always secure the designs the best I can. I was worried about putting up my designs to be judged. What if people didn't like them? And I had a lot of anxieties about it in general like just about being so anxious about the show that I would want to ditch last minute and end up letting a lot of people down.
So the anxiety was really up and down this week but I was determined to be in this show, I mean could it be any easier? All I had to do was give the shoes off to my friend and it was all in his hands. But there were times that I wished I hadn't agreed to the show and then there were times I was glad thtat I was doing this. Being a part of this show has given me a feeling of accomplishment. Like even though I don't get out much right now, I was still able to be a part of this and I was able to show off my designs.
I am very grateful that I have people who were happy to help me be a part of this and that the show went well. I'm grateful I found the strength to get through all of this. I know I am very blessed. I guess sometimes I really wonder what I can do that doesn't end up being taken over by anxiety. I'm tired of not having some sense of security of what I can and can't do. I've been feeling really lonely and isolated a lot lately and it is just wearing on me.
So the anxiety was really up and down this week but I was determined to be in this show, I mean could it be any easier? All I had to do was give the shoes off to my friend and it was all in his hands. But there were times that I wished I hadn't agreed to the show and then there were times I was glad thtat I was doing this. Being a part of this show has given me a feeling of accomplishment. Like even though I don't get out much right now, I was still able to be a part of this and I was able to show off my designs.
I am very grateful that I have people who were happy to help me be a part of this and that the show went well. I'm grateful I found the strength to get through all of this. I know I am very blessed. I guess sometimes I really wonder what I can do that doesn't end up being taken over by anxiety. I'm tired of not having some sense of security of what I can and can't do. I've been feeling really lonely and isolated a lot lately and it is just wearing on me.
Friday, July 1, 2011
*sigh*
I get really frustrated with how simply anxiety can sap me of my confidence. It's like *snap* and I begin to doubt myself again. I've had a couple of good weeks, where I was getting out easier and feeling my confidence grow but these past couple of days I've been having trouble again. I just don't get it sometimes, why can't I do something today that I was fine doing yesterday? Or a week ago? If I've been there once before, why would it be difficult to be there again? I just want to be able to feel free. Like I can make my own decisions without basing them on anxiety. I am so tired of it.
I don't care to be "normal" anymore, but I'd sure as hell like to feel like I am in charge of my own life. I like it to be easy to make a grocery store run. I'd like to stop wondering if I will make it through my entire workout. I'd just like to know I can. I'd like to be able to go out on dates and go out with my friends, I feel so isolated and lonely lately.
*sigh*
I don't care to be "normal" anymore, but I'd sure as hell like to feel like I am in charge of my own life. I like it to be easy to make a grocery store run. I'd like to stop wondering if I will make it through my entire workout. I'd just like to know I can. I'd like to be able to go out on dates and go out with my friends, I feel so isolated and lonely lately.
*sigh*
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Update
So these past couple of weeks have been slowly getting better. This weekend I got out a little bit. I went to one of the clubs near my house. It took me a couple of tries but I made it there! I only stayed for about 15 minutes but it's a start. Today, I went down the street to a car show at a restaurant near my house. A couple of my friends were there who I haven't seen in too long so it was really nice to be able to go and enjoy the weather and catch up with my friends. I was there for about 45 minutes.
Also, I have been occupied with working on shoes for the fashion show! I think in one of my previous posts I mentioned I was going to be a designer in one of the fashion shows around town. I have 6 models to work with and I am putting two pairs of shoes I have already made in and then making 4 new pairs. It's been good to have something to focus on. I am quite excited to see how people react to the shoes when they are in the show! If anyone wants to check out my shoes the page is www.facebook.com/pinkominko
Other than that, not much new. I have been using positive affirmations again and focusing on more positive thoughts. I still meditate but only for about 15 mins a day, I was going for 20 but I got really antsy towards the end so I shortened it up a bit. After getting out a bit this weekend, I really do miss when it was a lot easier for me to just go out and socialize and go out to eat and go on dates. I've never minded being single for some reason but I am kind of feeling that itch to want to connect with someone. Of course, it'd be a lot easier if I could actually go to restaurants to begin with. Can't really date unless I can get myself to go out on a date!
Also, I have been occupied with working on shoes for the fashion show! I think in one of my previous posts I mentioned I was going to be a designer in one of the fashion shows around town. I have 6 models to work with and I am putting two pairs of shoes I have already made in and then making 4 new pairs. It's been good to have something to focus on. I am quite excited to see how people react to the shoes when they are in the show! If anyone wants to check out my shoes the page is www.facebook.com/pinkominko
Other than that, not much new. I have been using positive affirmations again and focusing on more positive thoughts. I still meditate but only for about 15 mins a day, I was going for 20 but I got really antsy towards the end so I shortened it up a bit. After getting out a bit this weekend, I really do miss when it was a lot easier for me to just go out and socialize and go out to eat and go on dates. I've never minded being single for some reason but I am kind of feeling that itch to want to connect with someone. Of course, it'd be a lot easier if I could actually go to restaurants to begin with. Can't really date unless I can get myself to go out on a date!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Bad week.
Ok, so last week was just a mess. By the end of the week, I really just wanted to give it the middle finger. Yeah, that's how I feel about you too, week.
Have you ever had one of those weeks where all the big stuff is enough that all the little stuff builds up too? That was my week. Monday started out with horrible anxiety. So much for rememebering the "air after the pain" (From my last blog) All I could think about was how I just wanted to be able to sleep and feel comfortable. I just couldn't sleep and it just added to the anxiety and it just ended up with me feeling terrified on and off until I was finally able to calm down. I was a bit sensitive afterwards for a few days but I managed to get back out and do stuff, like go to the store.
However, my car battery ended up dying for no reason whatsoever and then after jumping it, it was fine. One of the bigger things that I tend to worry about is being stuck somewhere. Luckily I got stuck up the street from my house but then I started worrying about what if it had happened futher away? So that's kind of put me off really trying to stretch my boundries for the moment.
A bunch of little stuff happened that just put me in a cranky mood for the rest of the week. It sucked.
However, the nice things out of it was that I was able to get the car jumped immediately by the guys that owned the restaurant I was getting take out from and that I was able to get through the bad days I had with the anxiety. I had help from a friend, which was very nice. Looking back now....it still sucked. But I am glad it wasn't worse.
I'm just really annoyed with myself and the anxiety. How much longer am I going to let it play me like a puppet?
Have you ever had one of those weeks where all the big stuff is enough that all the little stuff builds up too? That was my week. Monday started out with horrible anxiety. So much for rememebering the "air after the pain" (From my last blog) All I could think about was how I just wanted to be able to sleep and feel comfortable. I just couldn't sleep and it just added to the anxiety and it just ended up with me feeling terrified on and off until I was finally able to calm down. I was a bit sensitive afterwards for a few days but I managed to get back out and do stuff, like go to the store.
However, my car battery ended up dying for no reason whatsoever and then after jumping it, it was fine. One of the bigger things that I tend to worry about is being stuck somewhere. Luckily I got stuck up the street from my house but then I started worrying about what if it had happened futher away? So that's kind of put me off really trying to stretch my boundries for the moment.
A bunch of little stuff happened that just put me in a cranky mood for the rest of the week. It sucked.
However, the nice things out of it was that I was able to get the car jumped immediately by the guys that owned the restaurant I was getting take out from and that I was able to get through the bad days I had with the anxiety. I had help from a friend, which was very nice. Looking back now....it still sucked. But I am glad it wasn't worse.
I'm just really annoyed with myself and the anxiety. How much longer am I going to let it play me like a puppet?
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Air After Pain
Ok this post will be a bit long because it's part of a book I've been reading. The book is called The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. When I read this part, it immediately was familiar to me towards how I react with anxiety. His battle was with cancer and his stories in this book are very enlightening and deep in meaning but simple to read and understand.
"Live for the air after the pain and there will be no reason to run."
Hippocrates said that pleasure is the absence of pain. Anyone who has ever suffered knows this is a deep truth. When I fell into the gauntlet of tests that awaited afther the pronoucement that I had cancer, I was terrified of being in pain. I introduced myself to every physician and nurse as Mark put-me-out Nepo. But with every procedure, there was some medical reason why I had to be awake. I came to realize that there was nowhere to run.
Once I accepted this, which took some time, I understood that what was most terrifying about my pain was the prospect that it would never end, that life would somehow freeze in whatever moment of discomfort I came upon. The terror gainred its power from not being able to imagine life beyond pain.
The breakthrough moment for me came the day I had to have yet anopther bone marrow sampling. For some reason, these were the worst for me. But with the appearance that day of some deeper grace, I suddenly saw it differently. I recognized thyat this very uncomfortable procedure lasted at most 40 - 50 seconds and I was arranging my entire life being in anticipation and avoidance of those 50 seconds.
The first time I realized I had a choice. The pain of those 50 seconds would be the same, but I could ground myself, including my fear, in the real fact that my life would resume after those 50 seconds. There would be light in the air, once again after the pain. For the first time, I felt in my soul that I was larger than my pain. This empowered me.
So many times, in our despair, we see our pain as something that will never end. In fact, this often defines our moments of despair; when we believe that our pain contains the rest of us. In contrast, there is this sense of peace to work towards: the belief that our life contains our pain.
Ok end of story. I found much truth to these words and can see how much of my life is lived in avoidance and fear. I won't say it will be easy to realize this when I am in the moment of fear but it certainly has given me something to think of!
"Live for the air after the pain and there will be no reason to run."
Hippocrates said that pleasure is the absence of pain. Anyone who has ever suffered knows this is a deep truth. When I fell into the gauntlet of tests that awaited afther the pronoucement that I had cancer, I was terrified of being in pain. I introduced myself to every physician and nurse as Mark put-me-out Nepo. But with every procedure, there was some medical reason why I had to be awake. I came to realize that there was nowhere to run.
Once I accepted this, which took some time, I understood that what was most terrifying about my pain was the prospect that it would never end, that life would somehow freeze in whatever moment of discomfort I came upon. The terror gainred its power from not being able to imagine life beyond pain.
The breakthrough moment for me came the day I had to have yet anopther bone marrow sampling. For some reason, these were the worst for me. But with the appearance that day of some deeper grace, I suddenly saw it differently. I recognized thyat this very uncomfortable procedure lasted at most 40 - 50 seconds and I was arranging my entire life being in anticipation and avoidance of those 50 seconds.
The first time I realized I had a choice. The pain of those 50 seconds would be the same, but I could ground myself, including my fear, in the real fact that my life would resume after those 50 seconds. There would be light in the air, once again after the pain. For the first time, I felt in my soul that I was larger than my pain. This empowered me.
So many times, in our despair, we see our pain as something that will never end. In fact, this often defines our moments of despair; when we believe that our pain contains the rest of us. In contrast, there is this sense of peace to work towards: the belief that our life contains our pain.
Ok end of story. I found much truth to these words and can see how much of my life is lived in avoidance and fear. I won't say it will be easy to realize this when I am in the moment of fear but it certainly has given me something to think of!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Birthday weekend
So my birthday was on Friday! It seems like time is just going by so fast lately, I can't believe it is already April but I am sure looking forward to the nicer weather. I didn't really have any big plans as I haven't been getting out much and I haven't really tried to go out on the weekends in like, 3 months. I did get out for a bit on Friday so that was a great birthday gift to myself.
I've been exercising more and doing yoga twice a week and that seems to be helping. My overall mood seem to be calmer than it was a few months ago. I only do about a half hour of yoga and 25 mins of cardo a couple times a week but hey, if it makes a difference that's all that really matters!
Also, I am excited to say I am going to be in a fashion show in town in a couple months! I am thrilled to have been noticed with my shoes and asked and I am super excited to come out with some new designs! Things with the shoes have been keeping me busy and gives me something to look forward to. I only hope that things continue to keep growing!
I've been exercising more and doing yoga twice a week and that seems to be helping. My overall mood seem to be calmer than it was a few months ago. I only do about a half hour of yoga and 25 mins of cardo a couple times a week but hey, if it makes a difference that's all that really matters!
Also, I am excited to say I am going to be in a fashion show in town in a couple months! I am thrilled to have been noticed with my shoes and asked and I am super excited to come out with some new designs! Things with the shoes have been keeping me busy and gives me something to look forward to. I only hope that things continue to keep growing!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
FB page
I made a facebook page for my shoes. I am quite excited. Please check it out and "Like" it if you're a shoe lover!
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Head-Over-Heels/143746799026310
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Head-Over-Heels/143746799026310
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Just rambling on
The days are getting longer, warmer and I couldn't be happier. It may snow this weekend here but with the way the weather has been. it probably won't really accumulate. There were actually tornado warnings today. I am not a fan of tornado season, but I love that it's warming up. With the change in weather and more light, I notice my mood has been alot better. I have also been keeping myself a bit busier with the shoe art so that has been helping.
Loneliness has been kicking my butt, not just for someone in particular but for my friends too. I haven't really seen most of them this winter since I haven't been getting out much. I think I may have to put a more concentrated effort to pulling myself out of hibernation.
I was reading an article the other night that states that 20 to 30 minutes of moderate exercise 3x a week makes a noticeable difference in people who are depressed and help with anxiety. They did a study on people on meds vs people who exercise and those who exercised were less likely to have a relapse. I've been doing more cardio in the recent weeks and I have noticed a change. It could be in combination with the longer days and nicer weather but I've also been a bit calmer too. I've also been drinking chamomile tea before bed which seems to be having a nice calming effect as well.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Seems like this year has just been moving so quickly. I didn't go out last year because I was beginning to fall into a bad spell and I don't know that I will get out this year either but really, all I want is a cake from my favorite place. It is seriously like, the most amazing cake ever.
That's all with me, nothing too exciting! I hope everyone else is doing well.
Loneliness has been kicking my butt, not just for someone in particular but for my friends too. I haven't really seen most of them this winter since I haven't been getting out much. I think I may have to put a more concentrated effort to pulling myself out of hibernation.
I was reading an article the other night that states that 20 to 30 minutes of moderate exercise 3x a week makes a noticeable difference in people who are depressed and help with anxiety. They did a study on people on meds vs people who exercise and those who exercised were less likely to have a relapse. I've been doing more cardio in the recent weeks and I have noticed a change. It could be in combination with the longer days and nicer weather but I've also been a bit calmer too. I've also been drinking chamomile tea before bed which seems to be having a nice calming effect as well.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Seems like this year has just been moving so quickly. I didn't go out last year because I was beginning to fall into a bad spell and I don't know that I will get out this year either but really, all I want is a cake from my favorite place. It is seriously like, the most amazing cake ever.
That's all with me, nothing too exciting! I hope everyone else is doing well.
Friday, March 18, 2011
New blog!
So I've decided to start a new blog to go along with my etsy shop. It's will mostly be about shoes and the shoes that I make and a bit more about my life that aren't centered so much around agoraphobia like this blog is. I will still be posting to this blog but I am going to try to do more posting to that one to get it started and would love if you would like to follow me on there too!
http://pinkominko.blogspot.com/
http://pinkominko.blogspot.com/
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Winter melts into Spring.
So it has been warming up here slowly and I couldn't be more relieved. Granted, this winter was not as bad as last winter, I am so tired of the cold and the dark. Days are getting longer and I am having to wear less layers. Which is a plus because I am ready to change from coats to tank tops. Plus, my summer shoes are so much more fun than my winter ones.
I still haven't been getting out a lot. Lately, I haven't been wanting to try much. Sometimes I just don't feel like trying to calm myself down especially when it comes to going out on the weekends. Why spend an hour getting all dolled up to be out for 20 mins and feeling anxious most of the time. Maybe once the warmer weather settles in, I'll be more apt to going out.
I am a bit bummed, Lady Gaga is coming to town this week and my friend offered me a ticket to go with them. I adore Lady Gaga, I think she is fabulous. Her music is fun to dance to and she stands up for what she believes in and her fashion style is her own. I love her. I am very glad that my friend thought to invite me, it's nice to have good friends but it made me very sad to turn it down. Not only is the concert way out of my comfort zone but the thought of being around so many people and having to park so far away, it's just too much.
Which has got me thinking just how much am I going to continue to miss out on because of...myself? It's infuriating. I've passed up trips, concerts, all sorts of opportunities to make wonderful memories or grow closer to those I care about. it just makes me sad.
I am almost 28 and still in the same place I was when I was 18. I still have the same problems. *sigh*
I am working on another pair of shoes though, which I enjoy. I do hope I can make something out of this. I do hope I can make something out of myself. I don't want to be like this in another ten years...
I still haven't been getting out a lot. Lately, I haven't been wanting to try much. Sometimes I just don't feel like trying to calm myself down especially when it comes to going out on the weekends. Why spend an hour getting all dolled up to be out for 20 mins and feeling anxious most of the time. Maybe once the warmer weather settles in, I'll be more apt to going out.
I am a bit bummed, Lady Gaga is coming to town this week and my friend offered me a ticket to go with them. I adore Lady Gaga, I think she is fabulous. Her music is fun to dance to and she stands up for what she believes in and her fashion style is her own. I love her. I am very glad that my friend thought to invite me, it's nice to have good friends but it made me very sad to turn it down. Not only is the concert way out of my comfort zone but the thought of being around so many people and having to park so far away, it's just too much.
Which has got me thinking just how much am I going to continue to miss out on because of...myself? It's infuriating. I've passed up trips, concerts, all sorts of opportunities to make wonderful memories or grow closer to those I care about. it just makes me sad.
I am almost 28 and still in the same place I was when I was 18. I still have the same problems. *sigh*
I am working on another pair of shoes though, which I enjoy. I do hope I can make something out of this. I do hope I can make something out of myself. I don't want to be like this in another ten years...
Monday, March 7, 2011
Head Over Heels
So when I was young, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I had very little sense in style but it was my own and it was so easy to get away wearing bright blue leapord print leggings over light pink tights. as I've gotten older, my style is still my own but I have toned down the color combos a bit ;)
My heart, while loves fashion in general, has a very soft spot for shoes. I adore them, a really amazing pair of shoes makes me feel wonderful! My first encounter with a very amazing pair of shoes was last Valentine's Day, the guy I had been seeing was apparently more attentive than I had imagined and gave me a pair of my favorite shoe designer Christian Louboutin heels as a gift. I had never been much into designer shoes but those must have sparked something in me because I fell in love with a pair of YSL heels and Miu Miu heels that I had to have. The desire was quite persistent!
YSL
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
Miu Miu
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
Seriously, how could I not fall in love with these shoes?!
Anyway, recently my artwork has taken on a more fashionable approach. I have been "redecorating" shoes for people! I have been so excited about it. I am hoping to be able to get something started with this. It's always been difficult for me to hold a job dealing with the agoraphobia and I have felt that it would take a lot of stress off me to have an income again. A more reliable one. Who knows where things will go with all of this but I have been having a blast giving shoes a creative makeover. All the shoes started out as just plain basic pumps and this is what the end result is!
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
I did start an etsy shop too, something I have been meaning to do so it was quite nice to get that started. For two months I dragged my feet, I think I was worried nobody but me would like my Head Over Heels shoe art but it can't hurt to see where things go!
My heart, while loves fashion in general, has a very soft spot for shoes. I adore them, a really amazing pair of shoes makes me feel wonderful! My first encounter with a very amazing pair of shoes was last Valentine's Day, the guy I had been seeing was apparently more attentive than I had imagined and gave me a pair of my favorite shoe designer Christian Louboutin heels as a gift. I had never been much into designer shoes but those must have sparked something in me because I fell in love with a pair of YSL heels and Miu Miu heels that I had to have. The desire was quite persistent!
YSL
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
Miu Miu
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
Seriously, how could I not fall in love with these shoes?!
Anyway, recently my artwork has taken on a more fashionable approach. I have been "redecorating" shoes for people! I have been so excited about it. I am hoping to be able to get something started with this. It's always been difficult for me to hold a job dealing with the agoraphobia and I have felt that it would take a lot of stress off me to have an income again. A more reliable one. Who knows where things will go with all of this but I have been having a blast giving shoes a creative makeover. All the shoes started out as just plain basic pumps and this is what the end result is!
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
By kkaci at 2011-03-07
I did start an etsy shop too, something I have been meaning to do so it was quite nice to get that started. For two months I dragged my feet, I think I was worried nobody but me would like my Head Over Heels shoe art but it can't hurt to see where things go!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Negativity in the lead
There are many things that frustrate me beyond belief with the agoraphobia, but I think one of the things that just completely drives me nuts is having a rough time doing the little things.
Tonight, for example, I ordered food to-go and I had to go pick it up. The place is like, 5 minutes from my house, literally down the street and I had anxiety about going. Driving there, feeling the anxiety building, made me really angry. Why...WHY does it have to be such a pain in the ass to do something so SIMPLE for most people? Going to the grocery store, going to my neighbors, running errands, all close to home yet it still has the ability to cause me anxiety. While I am grateful I have days where I can do all this with very little anxiety, it's been more difficult than not lately and it's exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain from my head for awhile, get a break from the guard duty that is constantly going on in my head, like a surveillence camera.
Most of all, it makes me feel incompetent, incapable. Framing the ever defeating question..."what is wrong with me?" On my good days, I can find a way to ignore the question, knowing abnomality, problems, etc are normal but on the bad days it looks over my head, following me everywhere I go. Even writing this, I feel the negativity eminating from my body. I know I am being negative, I feel it and I hate it but it sucks me in when I am this down and out. I know deep down I am usually happy, at least I know happiness outweighs the negativity...like 60/40. But on the bad days it's more like 80/20 negativity in the lead.
Ok, I am done, I just had to get this off my chest. Hopefully positive posts will soon follow.
Tonight, for example, I ordered food to-go and I had to go pick it up. The place is like, 5 minutes from my house, literally down the street and I had anxiety about going. Driving there, feeling the anxiety building, made me really angry. Why...WHY does it have to be such a pain in the ass to do something so SIMPLE for most people? Going to the grocery store, going to my neighbors, running errands, all close to home yet it still has the ability to cause me anxiety. While I am grateful I have days where I can do all this with very little anxiety, it's been more difficult than not lately and it's exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain from my head for awhile, get a break from the guard duty that is constantly going on in my head, like a surveillence camera.
Most of all, it makes me feel incompetent, incapable. Framing the ever defeating question..."what is wrong with me?" On my good days, I can find a way to ignore the question, knowing abnomality, problems, etc are normal but on the bad days it looks over my head, following me everywhere I go. Even writing this, I feel the negativity eminating from my body. I know I am being negative, I feel it and I hate it but it sucks me in when I am this down and out. I know deep down I am usually happy, at least I know happiness outweighs the negativity...like 60/40. But on the bad days it's more like 80/20 negativity in the lead.
Ok, I am done, I just had to get this off my chest. Hopefully positive posts will soon follow.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Damaged goods.
So, things have been fairly dull this winter, but I suppose when one doesn't go out much or really...do much of anything, it's to be expected. I've mainly just been working on my art projects and getting some ready to sell. I am hoping it will help me with an income because at the moment I am living off my savings, which probably won't last long considering with the agoraphobia it's been hard to maintain a steady job. I've finished a couple more pairs of shoes, which makes me really miss being able to go out on the weekends because they are great shoes for such things. I did manage to at least attempt to go out this weekend. I made it to the club but it was at capacity and when I got inside, it was just too crowded for me. But I am glad that I at least made it inside this time.
I'm really frustrated with my ex. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys me chasing him because he chased me when we started and it took me longer to fall in love with him. Everytime I start to go my own way, he does something to pull me back in, then push me away again. It's utterly stupid, but I fall into it easily. Sometimes I wonder if he really realizes how harsh his words are to me. He told me the other day that while he didn't mind dealing with it when we were dating, he no longer had to deal with the agoraphobia anymore. I suppose maybe this might seem like an innocent comment but it really hurt me. Why is it something that somebody has to "deal" with? Like a unpleasant chore or job. Why does it always come back to the anxiety? I realize it's a difficult thing to deal with but if it really wasn't a big deal to him while we were dating, why'd he have to throw it back in my face now? I'm sick of men talking to me like I am damaged goods, like if I didn't have the anxiety, I'd be so much better. Hello, I already feel like this without those comments! Everyone out there who has ever experienced any sort of life is damaged goods. We as humans weren't meant to be perfect. In my darker days, I do worry I won't ever meet a man who will love all of me but on good days I feel like there will be a man out there who will see me, all of me, and love me fully and not talk to me like things would be so much better without my problems. Maybe once I stop talking to myself like it is holding me back, maybe other people wouldn't either. I suppose it is easy to lay the groundwork for guys to talk to me like I am damaged goods, when I myself talk about myself the same way. I don't know how to effectively prepare someone for such things though without talking down on myself. It is very difficult to date me when I get depressed and strongly agoraphobic, maybe I just need to date stronger men. Oh well, that is really the least of my worries this year.
I'm in some weird purgatory between feeling content and feeling sad. On one hand, I have a future of my own to look forward to. One with new possibilities and finding myself and being happy. On the other hand, I still feel a sadness over the loss of a relationship and the loss of the freedom I had worked hard to get a year ago. I am glad to not be dealing with the utter depression I was feeling a few weeks ago, I just hope to move forward, not fall back into it.
I'm really frustrated with my ex. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys me chasing him because he chased me when we started and it took me longer to fall in love with him. Everytime I start to go my own way, he does something to pull me back in, then push me away again. It's utterly stupid, but I fall into it easily. Sometimes I wonder if he really realizes how harsh his words are to me. He told me the other day that while he didn't mind dealing with it when we were dating, he no longer had to deal with the agoraphobia anymore. I suppose maybe this might seem like an innocent comment but it really hurt me. Why is it something that somebody has to "deal" with? Like a unpleasant chore or job. Why does it always come back to the anxiety? I realize it's a difficult thing to deal with but if it really wasn't a big deal to him while we were dating, why'd he have to throw it back in my face now? I'm sick of men talking to me like I am damaged goods, like if I didn't have the anxiety, I'd be so much better. Hello, I already feel like this without those comments! Everyone out there who has ever experienced any sort of life is damaged goods. We as humans weren't meant to be perfect. In my darker days, I do worry I won't ever meet a man who will love all of me but on good days I feel like there will be a man out there who will see me, all of me, and love me fully and not talk to me like things would be so much better without my problems. Maybe once I stop talking to myself like it is holding me back, maybe other people wouldn't either. I suppose it is easy to lay the groundwork for guys to talk to me like I am damaged goods, when I myself talk about myself the same way. I don't know how to effectively prepare someone for such things though without talking down on myself. It is very difficult to date me when I get depressed and strongly agoraphobic, maybe I just need to date stronger men. Oh well, that is really the least of my worries this year.
I'm in some weird purgatory between feeling content and feeling sad. On one hand, I have a future of my own to look forward to. One with new possibilities and finding myself and being happy. On the other hand, I still feel a sadness over the loss of a relationship and the loss of the freedom I had worked hard to get a year ago. I am glad to not be dealing with the utter depression I was feeling a few weeks ago, I just hope to move forward, not fall back into it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Shoe art
"My business is to create."
So I've been spending my days doing some art projects. These are my latest projects. I adore shoes and so I decided to spice up some shoes that I don't wear that often. The spikes were a pain to put in but I love the edgy look they give to the shoes.
Added the spikes and rhinestones
By kkaci at 2011-01-18
Plus some cute hearts to the bottom of the shoe
By kkaci at 2011-01-18
Added the glitter and the ribbon
By KKaci at 2011-01-18
So I've been spending my days doing some art projects. These are my latest projects. I adore shoes and so I decided to spice up some shoes that I don't wear that often. The spikes were a pain to put in but I love the edgy look they give to the shoes.
Added the spikes and rhinestones
By kkaci at 2011-01-18
Plus some cute hearts to the bottom of the shoe
By kkaci at 2011-01-18
Added the glitter and the ribbon
By KKaci at 2011-01-18
Thursday, January 13, 2011
This too shall pass....When??
What do you do when you feel you are barely making it through the day?
I'm pretty sure depression has beaten me useless with a billyclub. I now see why isolation is sometimes used as a punishment. Sometimes I just feel like I am going to just explode. >.< The only part of the day I really actually look forward to is going back to bed and reading. I've been rereading the Harry Potter books, I'm on the 6th one at the moment.
I'm pretty sure depression has beaten me useless with a billyclub. I now see why isolation is sometimes used as a punishment. Sometimes I just feel like I am going to just explode. >.< The only part of the day I really actually look forward to is going back to bed and reading. I've been rereading the Harry Potter books, I'm on the 6th one at the moment.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Winter Wonderland
Well we got our first big snowstorm here. Lasted a couple of days and several inches. Compared to last winter, this wasn't so bad though. It came down in big fluffy snowflakes and was rather pretty to watch.
I suppose a perk to currently being homebound is that I've really got no place I need to be. So I don't have to scrape my car and brave the roads. Considering how much I hate driving in the snow because get really unsure of myself and that I get anxious about how much longer it might take me to get home, this really is kind of a nice thing.
I shoveled the driveway, watched the birds eat themselves poofy and made a snow angel.
By kkaci at 2011-01-11
Lately, I've been feeling really cranky about things but I suppose between being down again and being in the middle of winter, it's no surprise. I miss Logan, nobody really has made as much of an effort to be around me and I've noticed that lately. I'm not allowed to have people over so I understand it's not pleasant to hang out in the car to have a chat with me but it does make me kind of sad that only a couple friends make the effort. I feel like when I'm doing great, I make the effort to see them as much as I can. It is nice when people do come to my area of comfort to do such things like go out to eat when I am getting out more, I guess I am just really feeling the isolation at the moment.
I am looking forward to getting started with a new art project. I'm having a little fun with spikes and shoes, I hope it all works out, I'm waiting for the spikes and tools.
Other than that, I am still not getting out too much, although it's really hard to make the effort with the cold weather and sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to make the effort to go out just to feel uncomfortable the whole time and not enjoy it. I am hoping Spring will break me out of my "hibernation." On top of that, I'd really just like to find a way to support myself. Through the ups and the downs. Something I can do from home that way if I do have bad phases, then I won't get so stressed out about money. I've been in a terrible state lately, worrying about finances. My car is getting old, but I don't have any way of getting a new one. I've stopped seeing a therapist because I want to be able to pay my bills and I'm unsure as to when I will be able to have a steady income again. I know I'm going to have to get creative but nothing has really set in with me yet. Maybe because I still have a lot of self doubts with what I'm good at or what I'd be good at. I don't know.
I suppose a perk to currently being homebound is that I've really got no place I need to be. So I don't have to scrape my car and brave the roads. Considering how much I hate driving in the snow because get really unsure of myself and that I get anxious about how much longer it might take me to get home, this really is kind of a nice thing.
I shoveled the driveway, watched the birds eat themselves poofy and made a snow angel.
By kkaci at 2011-01-11
Lately, I've been feeling really cranky about things but I suppose between being down again and being in the middle of winter, it's no surprise. I miss Logan, nobody really has made as much of an effort to be around me and I've noticed that lately. I'm not allowed to have people over so I understand it's not pleasant to hang out in the car to have a chat with me but it does make me kind of sad that only a couple friends make the effort. I feel like when I'm doing great, I make the effort to see them as much as I can. It is nice when people do come to my area of comfort to do such things like go out to eat when I am getting out more, I guess I am just really feeling the isolation at the moment.
I am looking forward to getting started with a new art project. I'm having a little fun with spikes and shoes, I hope it all works out, I'm waiting for the spikes and tools.
Other than that, I am still not getting out too much, although it's really hard to make the effort with the cold weather and sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to make the effort to go out just to feel uncomfortable the whole time and not enjoy it. I am hoping Spring will break me out of my "hibernation." On top of that, I'd really just like to find a way to support myself. Through the ups and the downs. Something I can do from home that way if I do have bad phases, then I won't get so stressed out about money. I've been in a terrible state lately, worrying about finances. My car is getting old, but I don't have any way of getting a new one. I've stopped seeing a therapist because I want to be able to pay my bills and I'm unsure as to when I will be able to have a steady income again. I know I'm going to have to get creative but nothing has really set in with me yet. Maybe because I still have a lot of self doubts with what I'm good at or what I'd be good at. I don't know.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Hello 2011
So nice to see you! I must admit, while I don't know exactly where this year will take me, I am glad 2010 is behind me. Looking back, it was just a very hard year for me. I lost myself and most of my progress that I was so happy to have gained in the first place. A year ago, I was going further than I ever imagined and I was so grateful to feel like I had my freedom back. I feel like this past year, I've spent most of my time either dealing with relationship drama, break up drama, or being depressed. I feel like I've been put back on the sidelines, watching the game go on without me. Again. *frustrated sigh*
So here I am again and I get to start over, again. And I am alone, again. I am okay with being single, but there are days I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will love and accept me and my limitations. I do hope to get to a place where it's not such an issue someday but you know, there's always that wonder if I will fall back down again, and I want the security that someone else will be able to stand with me if it does happen.
However, I suppose for now, I'd like to find security in myself. I'd like to figure out something that makes me look forward to waking up each day. I don't really have any concrete NY goals. Just to be happy with myself, flaws and all.
Christmas ended up going well. I had awful anticipatory anxiety the night before however and didn't sleep. I still wasn't feeling well either, it just really put a damper on things for awhile but dinner went good, Jai stopped by and picked up the gift I had made for him before we broke up and it ended up being a really nice time.
NYE I stayed in. I was a little sad about it. I've been feeling really isolated lately. I am happier when I can see my friends and go out and I just haven't been able to do that this past month and it's been building up. Not being able to have people over, just makes it even harder. I realize it's for my sister's sake with her anxiety about company but sometimes it just really hurts. I can't even try to have people over when nobody is home. It seems silly that if I get my company out of the house and she won't even realize anyone was there, why I can't see people that way. More often than not, I feel like the odd person out in my family. I know I am loved but...you know, I feel different.
New year, new start...so here I go again.
So here I am again and I get to start over, again. And I am alone, again. I am okay with being single, but there are days I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will love and accept me and my limitations. I do hope to get to a place where it's not such an issue someday but you know, there's always that wonder if I will fall back down again, and I want the security that someone else will be able to stand with me if it does happen.
However, I suppose for now, I'd like to find security in myself. I'd like to figure out something that makes me look forward to waking up each day. I don't really have any concrete NY goals. Just to be happy with myself, flaws and all.
Christmas ended up going well. I had awful anticipatory anxiety the night before however and didn't sleep. I still wasn't feeling well either, it just really put a damper on things for awhile but dinner went good, Jai stopped by and picked up the gift I had made for him before we broke up and it ended up being a really nice time.
NYE I stayed in. I was a little sad about it. I've been feeling really isolated lately. I am happier when I can see my friends and go out and I just haven't been able to do that this past month and it's been building up. Not being able to have people over, just makes it even harder. I realize it's for my sister's sake with her anxiety about company but sometimes it just really hurts. I can't even try to have people over when nobody is home. It seems silly that if I get my company out of the house and she won't even realize anyone was there, why I can't see people that way. More often than not, I feel like the odd person out in my family. I know I am loved but...you know, I feel different.
New year, new start...so here I go again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
