Funerals and anxiety

Don't mix well at all.


On Friday, my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, this has been a rough couple of weeks on my family, first with the cancer scare and now with the passing of my grandmother. I am sad but she lived a long life. She was 86 when she went and apparently it was very peaceful and painless for her when she died. She has been battling with Alzheimers for the past few years and now she can be at peace and reunited with my grandpa. So while there is sadness for her loss, I feel she is in a better place and am glad she went peacefully.

Her wake was tonight and it ended up being a lot harder for me to get to than I thought. I figured that I'd be able to drive there and stay until the anxiety drove me to go home but at least I'd have made it for a bit. I mean, the funeral home isn't even that far from me, less than ten minutes. Oh how wrong I was. The minute I left my house, I was consumed with anxiety and what-if thoughts. I got about a quarter of the way there before I turned around. Sat in my driveway a bit and tried again. Got about halfway there before I turned around again.

I feel like I am an awful person. What sort of person can't even be there to provide support for my family in this time of loss? I feel selfish because I can't overcome my fear. I wasn't able to make it to the last funeral for my uncle a couple of years ago either but it was a lot further away. This was just down the street! What is wrong with me? Why am I not strong enough to do this? I'm blessed with an understanding family who has told me that they understand and that my grandma would have understood too. But I wanted to be able to be there! I want to do able to be a strong person for other people. My heart aches.