Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone had a lovely holiday. I know that anxiety can be a menace for a lot of us during the holidays so I hope that everyone was able to enjoy theirs. I'm happy to say that this year, things went really smoothly for me and I am very grateful. Thanksgiving was just sad this year and the family was unable to get together so I am really glad that we were able to get together for Christmas and that I had very little anxiety. It did pop up every now and then but I was able to talk myself through it and busy myself with some projects.
I am definitely looking forward to the New Year and seeing what I can get accomplished. I've been in a down phase for so long now, I really hope that I am on my way back up. Sometimes it's really hard to tell though, you know? With setbacks and bad days, it all seems to get jumbled up. There are days I feel I am forward, only to feel I am falling behind the next day. I guess all I can keep doing is trying my best.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Giving myself credit.
I've been having one of those days where my body just feels more sensitive to anxiety. I feel slightly exhausted and just worn out but jumpy. I was having a moment where I was just feel really anxious over wanting to be able to get out and just run to the store and not feeling up to it because of the anxiety. My therapist told me that I needed to start making note of when I was doing well and I realized that I am so focused on everything that I feel I am unable to do that I don't really recognize when I am doing well. For example, when I am able to get to the store, I am glad about it but I don't really give myself credit for it because I feel like it's something I just should be able to do because, well...it's something that people are normally able to do! So when I am able to do it, I feel like I am catching up to the rest of the world not doing something extraordinary.
But I am not normally able to do that. It's not something that comes easy for me. It may be for most of the population but I am not most of the population. I am so focused on feeling like I SHOULD be able to run to the store with ease because it's what most people are normally able to do. I realized I need to stop acting like it's something I SHOULD be able to do and give myself a little more credit when I am able to do it because it is difficult for me. By thinking I should be able to do these things, I end up not giving myself credit when I do. And by being so focused on everything I'm unable to do at the moment, just makes me feel worse about ourselves.
Eckhart Tolle explains that it's the story we tell ourselves that end up getting us all upset, angry, etc. We think something should or should not be happening but it is and by not accepting the moment, is where our struggle lies. While I've found it very difficult to stop telling myself the story I keep telling myself that makes me feel anxiety or sadness, I do see the sense in what he is saying and I am going to try to keep it in mind when I do get all worked up. I am sure I'll still get upset when I am unable to do certain things, but I am hoping maybe I will start being nicer to myself about it.
But I am not normally able to do that. It's not something that comes easy for me. It may be for most of the population but I am not most of the population. I am so focused on feeling like I SHOULD be able to run to the store with ease because it's what most people are normally able to do. I realized I need to stop acting like it's something I SHOULD be able to do and give myself a little more credit when I am able to do it because it is difficult for me. By thinking I should be able to do these things, I end up not giving myself credit when I do. And by being so focused on everything I'm unable to do at the moment, just makes me feel worse about ourselves.
Eckhart Tolle explains that it's the story we tell ourselves that end up getting us all upset, angry, etc. We think something should or should not be happening but it is and by not accepting the moment, is where our struggle lies. While I've found it very difficult to stop telling myself the story I keep telling myself that makes me feel anxiety or sadness, I do see the sense in what he is saying and I am going to try to keep it in mind when I do get all worked up. I am sure I'll still get upset when I am unable to do certain things, but I am hoping maybe I will start being nicer to myself about it.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saying goodbye
So I am thankful to say that despite all the issues I had last night trying to get to my grandmother's wake, that I was able to attend her funeral this morning. I did have some anxiety about it while getting ready but I had to tell myself that all I could do is do the best I can. This is the first funeral I have been able to get to. It was quite sad. I had hoped to be strong and be a support for my family but I think in the long run they ended up being a support to me because I ended up getting really sad.
My grandmother was battling with Alzheimer disease in her older age and so I do feel that she is now in a better place and is reunited with my grandpa who she loved dearly. May she rest in peace. <3
My grandmother was battling with Alzheimer disease in her older age and so I do feel that she is now in a better place and is reunited with my grandpa who she loved dearly. May she rest in peace. <3
Monday, December 5, 2011
Funerals and anxiety
Don't mix well at all.
On Friday, my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, this has been a rough couple of weeks on my family, first with the cancer scare and now with the passing of my grandmother. I am sad but she lived a long life. She was 86 when she went and apparently it was very peaceful and painless for her when she died. She has been battling with Alzheimers for the past few years and now she can be at peace and reunited with my grandpa. So while there is sadness for her loss, I feel she is in a better place and am glad she went peacefully.
Her wake was tonight and it ended up being a lot harder for me to get to than I thought. I figured that I'd be able to drive there and stay until the anxiety drove me to go home but at least I'd have made it for a bit. I mean, the funeral home isn't even that far from me, less than ten minutes. Oh how wrong I was. The minute I left my house, I was consumed with anxiety and what-if thoughts. I got about a quarter of the way there before I turned around. Sat in my driveway a bit and tried again. Got about halfway there before I turned around again.
I feel like I am an awful person. What sort of person can't even be there to provide support for my family in this time of loss? I feel selfish because I can't overcome my fear. I wasn't able to make it to the last funeral for my uncle a couple of years ago either but it was a lot further away. This was just down the street! What is wrong with me? Why am I not strong enough to do this? I'm blessed with an understanding family who has told me that they understand and that my grandma would have understood too. But I wanted to be able to be there! I want to do able to be a strong person for other people. My heart aches.
On Friday, my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, this has been a rough couple of weeks on my family, first with the cancer scare and now with the passing of my grandmother. I am sad but she lived a long life. She was 86 when she went and apparently it was very peaceful and painless for her when she died. She has been battling with Alzheimers for the past few years and now she can be at peace and reunited with my grandpa. So while there is sadness for her loss, I feel she is in a better place and am glad she went peacefully.
Her wake was tonight and it ended up being a lot harder for me to get to than I thought. I figured that I'd be able to drive there and stay until the anxiety drove me to go home but at least I'd have made it for a bit. I mean, the funeral home isn't even that far from me, less than ten minutes. Oh how wrong I was. The minute I left my house, I was consumed with anxiety and what-if thoughts. I got about a quarter of the way there before I turned around. Sat in my driveway a bit and tried again. Got about halfway there before I turned around again.
I feel like I am an awful person. What sort of person can't even be there to provide support for my family in this time of loss? I feel selfish because I can't overcome my fear. I wasn't able to make it to the last funeral for my uncle a couple of years ago either but it was a lot further away. This was just down the street! What is wrong with me? Why am I not strong enough to do this? I'm blessed with an understanding family who has told me that they understand and that my grandma would have understood too. But I wanted to be able to be there! I want to do able to be a strong person for other people. My heart aches.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
More ups and downs
I am definitely having one of those moments of frustration. I need to go pay my insurance bill and I was on my way to go to get it done and I just got anxious and turned around. The whole time I was thinking how I just need to be strong and do it only to give in halfway there. It's not even that far from me. I really hate that the anxiety interferes in such small ways. I just want to go pay my bill. Something people do every day and don't think twice about! Why does it have to be so difficult? I am super crabby.
I suppose at least I got halfway there. At least I got out of my house and I know I'll eventually be able to do it. It just bugs me that I can't just make up my own schedule sometimes. Like, I can't just plan out my day and know that I'll be able to get everything done I want to.
Overall, things have just been very up and down. While I didn't have much anxiety over the holidays which was a blessing, this was probably our worst Thanksgiving ever as we found out on Thanksgiving that one of my family members had cancer. I say had, because he was able to have surgery right away and the doctors believe that they were able to remove it all before it spread! So I am thankful to say I think that he was quite fortunate to have caught it early and that he will be okay. I have been quite upset with myself though as I wasn't able to make it to the hospital. I feel like an awful person. These are the moments it's really hard to be accepting and patient with myself and the agoraphobia.
I suppose at least I got halfway there. At least I got out of my house and I know I'll eventually be able to do it. It just bugs me that I can't just make up my own schedule sometimes. Like, I can't just plan out my day and know that I'll be able to get everything done I want to.
Overall, things have just been very up and down. While I didn't have much anxiety over the holidays which was a blessing, this was probably our worst Thanksgiving ever as we found out on Thanksgiving that one of my family members had cancer. I say had, because he was able to have surgery right away and the doctors believe that they were able to remove it all before it spread! So I am thankful to say I think that he was quite fortunate to have caught it early and that he will be okay. I have been quite upset with myself though as I wasn't able to make it to the hospital. I feel like an awful person. These are the moments it's really hard to be accepting and patient with myself and the agoraphobia.
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