Breaking the routine.

This has not been the best month. I was sick for about two weeks. Which, on top of feeling awful, prodded my anxiety to make it kind of a terrible couple of weeks. I am definitely glad to be feeling better but now I've been dealing with some other pains so it's kinda like...ugh. Otherwise, things have been going well. I really enjoy my job and I am grateful that it's something I can do at home. I've been getting out a little more so that's been nice but still haven't really expanded the area I venture out in. But it is nice to be getting out.

Lately though, I've been kind of...in a slump. I read in an article that facebook can cause people to become more depressed. With everyone posting pictures of fun times, vacations, etc, it tends to cause people to feel depressed about their own lives. I think that in a way, I feel like this. Not so much depressed as much as I see how much I am missing out on. So I have been wondering what I can do to...well just have more fun really. I rarely try new things. I'm sure other people who deal with anxiety's tend to fall into routines and stick with what they are familiar with. This is what I tend to do, looking back at my life. It's so hard to get me to try new things. But what's the fun in that? Sure, there is safety in that. But sometimes I just get tired of playing it safe.

So my solution has been to come up with a "bucket list" for this year. Things I want to try before the end of the year. I am excited and ambivalent at the same time. What if I can't do all the things on my list and feel like a failure? What if I can? Am I just talking out of my ass? Where do I even start? Mostly, I just don't want to end up feeling like I've failed, but I guess ultimately, only I can make myself feel that way. So I will just have to kindly remind myself that this is supposed to be FUN. Not life or death. Although, what kind of life am I leading if all I am doing is existing? So...here goes nothing. I've already got some ideas down. Ride on a motorcycle. Eeek. Probably not a long distance because I don't even like riding in cars with people but I've never been on a bike. Try raw sushi. So far I've only eaten cooked because the raw fish scares me. Hopefully, I'll come up with a good list and I will keep you all posted.

Ok, apparently I need to add "figure out how to resize photos to post" to the list since I'm trying to post a pic and it keeps showing up huuuuuge no matter what I do. The photo itself is not even that huge. Fail -___-






<3

It's been awhile

Since I've been able to blog! Things have gotten quite busy...at least my definition of busy. I think that after not doing much for so long that when I start to get out more and do things again, it feels hectic when really I am just not used to having things to do. I know I've said this before but it's like going from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds! I do hope to fall into a better schedule and slow down a little but I am grateful that things have been picking up again.

Currently, I have stopped seeing my therapist but I was able to get in a handful of sessions...enough to get things moving forward again. I hope to pick things back up with her. I have also started working a part time work from home job! This I am most excited about as I think one of the most difficult things over the past few years is finding a job. I feel extremely fortunate that one of my friends has found a use for me that I can do from home. Not only do I really enjoy being able to help him out but I am definitely far less stressed about my finances. I take reservations so I have a little work cell phone and take table info and do some social media work. I love it because I feel like I am contributing, like I have some responsibilities again.

I've been taking two yoga classes a week and I really love it. At first, I was hoping to become a bit more...well, bendier! But not only has it help me become more flexible but I feel great. I do get nervous in class sometimes but I just step outside and take a breather until I can return. I've been going to the gym pretty consistently since I've read that exercise really does help. I mix that up with some cardio and weight lifting and I hope to see some good results by summer! I still take zumba every now and then but I've faced the facts...I am not coordinated and most of the time end up making up my own dance moves.

But luckily, a friend opened up his new bar/club just down the street from me and so I can get my dance fix there! It's been really nice to be able to just get out and be around people again. I've been able to get out to a few movies and dinners. My birthday was the 8th and I had such a great week having dinners with friends. I just saw the Hunger Games which I have been waiting AGES to see! I read all those books in like, a week. They were so hard to put down! And also 21 Jump Street which was hilarious. I figured it'd be good but if it wasn't at least I could watch Channing Tatum. Can't go wrong there. I'm totally looking forward to Dark Shadows. I do love Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.

School has been going...frustrating but I've never been very academically talented. Dating has also been quite frustrating. Once again, I can't help but wonder how do other people who deal with agoraphobia date? And go on to get married?? I've never been one to feel like I need to be in a relationship but after long stretches it starts to get old. And as I am getting older, I do want to find someone to experience life with.

That is all for now. Hope all is well.

So far

Things have been going pretty well. I'm continuing to see a therapist as well as use a Anxiety and Phobia workbook. I've been happier than I have been in a long time and I am definitely grateful for that. It hasn't been easy of course. I get scared sometimes and it's difficult not to start the negative thinking or what-ifs. I just have to keep reminding myself I will get through it and even then I will have doubts but I keep trying to repeat that I will get through it and will be okay. The workbook I have been using is teaching me how to re-work my negative and mistaken beliefs about anxiety. Like for instance, one of my thoughts about anxiety is that it makes me less of a person. The book goes over how to disassemble the thought and see it as just a false belief I've taught myself and how to teach myself that I am worthy as a person.

I am still not getting out far, but I am getting out more and meeting new people and seeing old friends. I've been going to my gym a lot because it's just a way to get out. I've began taking classes again, which for the past year and a half was just too difficult for me to do. Now, I go to belly dancing, yoga, and zumba. Sometimes, I don't make it through the entire class but to just get out and try is great. I've been going to out to eat with some friends and I even met someone at the gym! We've gone a few dates now and he seems to be very understanding about the situation. Whether, it stays that way or not, I have no idea. Sometimes, people get to know me when things aren't as bad then when they do get bad it's too much for them to handle. I do worry about it and after my last relationship, I am scared to get into something new. But I want to find someone who I can be serious so here I am dating again. He's so cute too. ^_^

Other than that, I am just looking forward to seeing what else will change this year. I am trying to get back into classes this March and hopefully find a stable job I can do from home. And just keep trying to move forward.

Therapy

I am happy to say that I have been able to start seeing my again therapist lately. A friend of mine is helping me by paying for my sessions to see if it will help. I feel very blessed. I get down on myself about a lot of things but one thing I've done well is make some really good friends. Anyway, so I have picked things back up with my therapist and have told her that it is crucial to works towards making the agoraphobia easier to deal with. I don't expect miracles to happen and to totally defeat things. I will most likely always be somewhat more susceptible to anxiety but if I could find a way to make it less heartbreaking, to make it more of a hurdle to jump than a mountain to climb, that'd be ideal.

So our first session we caught up on things and went over what outcomes I wanted and she told me for our next session, she wanted me to write down all my thoughts that went through my head when I was anxious and things that have helped in the past. So for our most recent session, we went over those thoughts and came up with a way to turn it into less intimidating thought.

For example, when I get anxious a couple of things that go through my head are:

"What if things get worse?"
"How do I make this stop?"
"I hate this."

So we turned that into:
"Things might get worse but I can handle it."
"I can make this stop by deep breathing (or other helpful tool to calm down) and allowing it to pass."
"I hate this but I accept it and I am okay."

So now my "homework" is to memorize these new thoughts. Also, to give some time to these tools I have to calm myself down. Sometimes I get so worked up that I jump from one thing to the next too quickly because I want to calm down, like NOW.

On top of finding a way to deal with anxiety better, I want to leave the past in the past. I think I've got things that I still hold onto that cause me problems in the now over things that happened in the future. I want to move forward and stop letting these things ruin my attitude, relationships, etc. I am hoping to see results.

I didn't really make any resolutions this year other than to have a bit more fun this year. Looking back on the past year, I don't have a lot of great memories. Most of this year has been me struggling with anxiety, money issues, and trying to get over my ex. Who has been a real...not nice person to me at all. So this year, I have a jar set aside and I have labeled it Memorable Moments. Every time I experience something really memorable, I am going to write it down and put it in the jar to read when this year is over. I wonder what my first note will be and I certainly hope by the end of the year the jar is overflowing!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone had a lovely holiday. I know that anxiety can be a menace for a lot of us during the holidays so I hope that everyone was able to enjoy theirs. I'm happy to say that this year, things went really smoothly for me and I am very grateful. Thanksgiving was just sad this year and the family was unable to get together so I am really glad that we were able to get together for Christmas and that I had very little anxiety. It did pop up every now and then but I was able to talk myself through it and busy myself with some projects.

I am definitely looking forward to the New Year and seeing what I can get accomplished. I've been in a down phase for so long now, I really hope that I am on my way back up. Sometimes it's really hard to tell though, you know? With setbacks and bad days, it all seems to get jumbled up. There are days I feel I am forward, only to feel I am falling behind the next day. I guess all I can keep doing is trying my best.

Giving myself credit.

I've been having one of those days where my body just feels more sensitive to anxiety. I feel slightly exhausted and just worn out but jumpy. I was having a moment where I was just feel really anxious over wanting to be able to get out and just run to the store and not feeling up to it because of the anxiety. My therapist told me that I needed to start making note of when I was doing well and I realized that I am so focused on everything that I feel I am unable to do that I don't really recognize when I am doing well. For example, when I am able to get to the store, I am glad about it but I don't really give myself credit for it because I feel like it's something I just should be able to do because, well...it's something that people are normally able to do! So when I am able to do it, I feel like I am catching up to the rest of the world not doing something extraordinary.

But I am not normally able to do that. It's not something that comes easy for me. It may be for most of the population but I am not most of the population. I am so focused on feeling like I SHOULD be able to run to the store with ease because it's what most people are normally able to do. I realized I need to stop acting like it's something I SHOULD be able to do and give myself a little more credit when I am able to do it because it is difficult for me. By thinking I should be able to do these things, I end up not giving myself credit when I do. And by being so focused on everything I'm unable to do at the moment, just makes me feel worse about ourselves.

Eckhart Tolle explains that it's the story we tell ourselves that end up getting us all upset, angry, etc. We think something should or should not be happening but it is and by not accepting the moment, is where our struggle lies. While I've found it very difficult to stop telling myself the story I keep telling myself that makes me feel anxiety or sadness, I do see the sense in what he is saying and I am going to try to keep it in mind when I do get all worked up. I am sure I'll still get upset when I am unable to do certain things, but I am hoping maybe I will start being nicer to myself about it.

Saying goodbye

So I am thankful to say that despite all the issues I had last night trying to get to my grandmother's wake, that I was able to attend her funeral this morning. I did have some anxiety about it while getting ready but I had to tell myself that all I could do is do the best I can. This is the first funeral I have been able to get to. It was quite sad. I had hoped to be strong and be a support for my family but I think in the long run they ended up being a support to me because I ended up getting really sad.

My grandmother was battling with Alzheimer disease in her older age and so I do feel that she is now in a better place and is reunited with my grandpa who she loved dearly. May she rest in peace. <3