I was given a link to a Dr. Phil site on life strategies. I think that the points made are very valid and something to give some thought to for sure. http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/44
Thank you Robert, it was a good read and I took some time to think about #3. I began to think how the agoraphobia really pays off for me and I think one of the top payoffs is that it allows me to be relatively free of any sort of responsibility. It also gives me a big reason not to try new things and take bigger chances. By staying in my little bubble, I pretty know what to expect even as unstable things can be as an agoraphobic. And this is a pretty big payoff, people tend me give me a little bit more leeway about things and where I am in life. But in the long run, I really am hurting myself. By not taking bigger chances, I am not allowing myself to grow or even see what I am really capable of. I think we are all capable of being so much more than any of us think. I have many people tell me recently how intelligent or beautiful they think I am and that I could really be successful but it falls on unbelieving ears. I just play it off like it's just something friends are supposed to say or something along those lines. I do not allow myself to believe something like that. I am beginning to think I am selling myself short, standing in my own way. Nobody else is telling me I can't do it, I am telling myself not to try, to stick with what I know to be safe.
But I am tired of playing it safe. Something inside of me is stirring and I want to explore. I want to try new things. I want to do something different. I still hesitate but whatever curiosity is stirring is just getting louder. I can't get it to go away and I don't know if I want it too. If I fail, at least I tried...now it just comes down to taking the smalls steps to slowly get outside of the bubble I've made for myself.
I think I have found a therapist. She's new to the field and taking clients without insurance at a very minimal fee. She also used to deal with anxiety herself so she has an understanding of it. We talked briefly on the phone and she suggest RBT (I think) Which basically goes through all the irrational beliefs and takes a realistic look them to reprogram my thinking. I am definitely looking forward to talking with her and it seems promising.
I guess we'll see....
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
One step at a time.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about where I'd like my life to go. I never tend to make long term goals because I never know where I will be with the agoraphobia. Robert's latest blog "Agoraphobia Works (for some)"also got me thinking. I've never really ever considered myself someone with a chemical imbalance. Sure, it is a possibility and I'm not in some sort of denial but I tend to think I've classically conditioned myself to be agoraphobic. I think I've learned to be like this. Maybe it is my body's way to make sure I will "survive"...afterall fight or flight ensured survival of the fittest.
I remember that I started to have panic attacks as an 8 year old. To me, that is a pretty young age to be stressed to that point but alas it happened. I was too young to really understand what was going on and I let it slide for so long because I just thought I was crazy that I didn't actually see anyone until I was 16. That is a long time to let those actions set in. But by the time I was actually evaluated and told what I had was agoraphobia, it was plenty of time for my brain to associate fear with certain places and things to the point where it was a knee jerk reaction to protect myself I guess.
In the past, I've always thought that I would have anxiety/agoraphobia to some point...but I hate to believe that. When we live in a world where we are told anything is possible...why not dream of a day where I am totally free of it? I've read plenty of stories of people going on to lead "normal" lives after suffering from agoraphobia. Yet, I've never believed this could be me. But lately, I wonder..why not? How am I so different from others who have dealt with it. What could they possess that I do not? I've been reading a lot of books on positive thinking and such. The more I think about it, the more curious I tend to be on living free of agoraphobia. Anxiety is something that everyone has but maybe I can learn to handle situations better and believe in myself more. A lot of the agoraphobia for me, I feel is on how I think. But it is very hard to change a belief that I have allowed myself to see as true for so many years.
So here I am, and I think that I am doing pretty well in my progress is getting back out there yet I am afraid to move further. So what is stopping me? I read a story tonight in one of my books that illustrates it pretty well.
A Reverand was once trying to make a point during his sermon. He called up a few children and handed them all a one dollar bill. He then showed them a ten dollar bill and told them "you may have this, but you must let go of what you already have." None of those children were willing to let go of the one dollar bill even though they knew the ten dollar bill was much better.
I know very well that my life could be so much better yet I can't seem to "let go" of the agoraphobia. As much as it PAINS me, as much sufferning it has caused, I still hold on to it like a some sort of demented security blanket. The only comfort is provides me is that I know how my life is this way. By living less of a life, I am risking losing less. I think the biggest thing that holds me back is that I fear that if totally let go, it might sneak up on me hardcore and stop me in my tracks except this time, I'd have so much more to lose. I also think it keeps me from getting into a serious relationship and being let down when the guy finds out he really can't deal with me.
But I know there is a strong part of me, growing stronger daily, that I really might just be willing to take on those risks. I don't want to live in this somewhat imposed bubble I've allowed my life to be. I'm in uncharted territory though now and I am not sure how to get to where I want to be other than to just keep walking forward one slow small step at a time.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for, more than I ever would have thought before. :)
I remember that I started to have panic attacks as an 8 year old. To me, that is a pretty young age to be stressed to that point but alas it happened. I was too young to really understand what was going on and I let it slide for so long because I just thought I was crazy that I didn't actually see anyone until I was 16. That is a long time to let those actions set in. But by the time I was actually evaluated and told what I had was agoraphobia, it was plenty of time for my brain to associate fear with certain places and things to the point where it was a knee jerk reaction to protect myself I guess.
In the past, I've always thought that I would have anxiety/agoraphobia to some point...but I hate to believe that. When we live in a world where we are told anything is possible...why not dream of a day where I am totally free of it? I've read plenty of stories of people going on to lead "normal" lives after suffering from agoraphobia. Yet, I've never believed this could be me. But lately, I wonder..why not? How am I so different from others who have dealt with it. What could they possess that I do not? I've been reading a lot of books on positive thinking and such. The more I think about it, the more curious I tend to be on living free of agoraphobia. Anxiety is something that everyone has but maybe I can learn to handle situations better and believe in myself more. A lot of the agoraphobia for me, I feel is on how I think. But it is very hard to change a belief that I have allowed myself to see as true for so many years.
So here I am, and I think that I am doing pretty well in my progress is getting back out there yet I am afraid to move further. So what is stopping me? I read a story tonight in one of my books that illustrates it pretty well.
A Reverand was once trying to make a point during his sermon. He called up a few children and handed them all a one dollar bill. He then showed them a ten dollar bill and told them "you may have this, but you must let go of what you already have." None of those children were willing to let go of the one dollar bill even though they knew the ten dollar bill was much better.
I know very well that my life could be so much better yet I can't seem to "let go" of the agoraphobia. As much as it PAINS me, as much sufferning it has caused, I still hold on to it like a some sort of demented security blanket. The only comfort is provides me is that I know how my life is this way. By living less of a life, I am risking losing less. I think the biggest thing that holds me back is that I fear that if totally let go, it might sneak up on me hardcore and stop me in my tracks except this time, I'd have so much more to lose. I also think it keeps me from getting into a serious relationship and being let down when the guy finds out he really can't deal with me.
But I know there is a strong part of me, growing stronger daily, that I really might just be willing to take on those risks. I don't want to live in this somewhat imposed bubble I've allowed my life to be. I'm in uncharted territory though now and I am not sure how to get to where I want to be other than to just keep walking forward one slow small step at a time.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for, more than I ever would have thought before. :)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A little of this, a little of that.
“Family means too much, Friends are too valuable, And life is too short, To put-off sharing with people, How much they really mean to you, And pursuing whatever it is that makes you happy.”
It's been awhile so I thought it was time for a little update! I am still feeling a little off from when I was sick a few weeks ago! Sometimes I can't tell if I am getting better or sick again! I did manage to get through it though, but it got really rough there for a couple of days. My anxiety was worse than it had ever been but luckily I had a couple of friends to call to talk me through it.
I mentioned in a previous blog that one of my goals was to be able to make it to my friends restaurant opening. Well he opened two weeks ago and I was proud to be there for one of his opening nights! I was SO excited and saw several people who I have not seen for quite awhile. I didn't really have much anxiety at all throughout the night and I was positively elated on my way home. I just felt comfortable knowing I could leave if I wanted to and I could call a friend if I needed someone to talk to. I even went back a second time. I was actually a bit anxious the second time but I had a stomach ache that night. I got through that night just fine as well. It just makes me realize how much of me being anxious has to do with my thoughts. One night I am totally confident and fine, the next night, even though I was still fine, I was a bit more nervous. Same place, different feelings. So it's not the place so much as it is my thoughts at the time being.
I also got through Halloween! Like I mentioned in my last post, Halloween was my downfall a couple years ago. I wasn't sure if I was even going to go out until the day came and I had a lot of fun. I was glad that I went out. It was probably one of the best Halloweens I've had. I've never been huge into Halloween, my favorite part is carving the pumpkins and eating the leftover candy. :)
By kkaci at 2009-11-14
I have gotten to be very social again and I am very happy to be around my friends and making new ones. However, when I go out I always go out by myself. I just go to places I know my friends will be or just meet up with friends. I find that it is easier for me to go out alone knowing that I am completely free to leave whenever I want. It also makes last minute plans easier for me because there are still nights when I start to head out but end up turning around. I also have found it easier to just be myself. And people actually like me, anxiety and all. I have found that when I am opening with people, it's easier to be myself and I connect with people because they too, in turn, open up to me and everyone has their own problems. I still do battle with accepting myself completely, in the back of my head there's that nagging that people don't really want to be my friend and deal with my issues but it's getting quieter.
I have really just been trying to enjoy life lately. All I can do is my best and if I do that at least I know I tried. In the past month two acquaintances I knew have passed away. One from a car accident and one from pneumonia. They were both around my age and it just really reinforces the idea that you really don't know how long you have. R.I.P Jesse and Steve...you both are missed very much.
I notice that the more I just relax and just go with things and not stress so much over the outcome the happier I have been. I am constantly thankful to be where I am at, there really was a time when I thought that this may be impossible...where I had completely lost hope. I still continue to do all of the things, listening to my cd, meditating, and positive affirmations. Lately, I try to take a moment to think about everything I have to be thankful for. It helps me stay positive and realize how much abundace I really do have in my life, even on the bad days. I say this everytime but I am completely blessed to have the people in my life that I have around. Even just thinking of them brings a smile to my face and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy haha. :)
I hope all is well with everyone!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Under the weather.
I am feeling under the weather lately. I tend to feel more anxious when I am sick...well for many reasons but mainly because I tend to feel more unsure and uncomfortable about things than normal. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my main concern is that my anxiety would actually cause me to be physically sick, like I think that is my fear of the end result of a panic attack. So when I actually get a cold or feel run down, it just makes things worse because it seems more likely.
On top of that, it has been about two years now since I had the attack that lead up to my downfall in the first place. And I can't help but notice some of the same occurrences happening lately that happened that year in this month too. I had gotten a horrible cold that month and I was neglecting to take care of myself and ended up having an attack and after that things slowly went downhill. I have noticed this month I seem to be a bit more on edge and it is because I do fear falling down again and since it's the month it happened two years ago and all the similarities I have been noticing have not really helped my confidence. However, I do realize that just because things happened one way doesn't mean they will happen that way again but it doesn't stop my mind from irrationally wandering to those thoughts. I guess all I can do is continue what I've been doing and hope for the best.
In the meantime, I have trying to take better care of myself and not neglect my well-being. In this month, I've been sick twice now. sometimes I feel like i get sick when things are out of balance and my body is trying to find a way to stabilize but I haven't been over working myself on anything lately. I also wonder if I've gotten sick more often because I am around more people. In the past year I really haven't gotten sick all that much till lately but I was never around a lot of people to get sick in the first place. I suppose I really shouldn't be worried too much about who shot the arrow but more on how to remove it.
Along with all the unpleasantness of being sick, I have also been feeling very lonely. I wish I had someone who cared in that way and who'd take care of me while I was sick. I am blessed that I have friends who care but it's a little different when that one person cares. I still feel like I am not ready to be in a relationship though. I want to be comfortable with sitting with my loneliness and not trying to cover it up with just anyone's affection or a temporary distraction. I feel like lately when I get involved with seeing someone, I end up settling and not being treated so great. I know getting into a relationship isn't going to make me happy if I am not already happy with myself. Anyway...
I've been making a lot of new friends lately which has been nice. I really do love to get to know people, it fascinates me to know about other people. It has also kept me socially busy, which I think is a good thing cuz it keeps me going out and doing stuff. Even when I don't really want to go out when I do I end up having a good time so I think a little push has been good. Other than that, things haven't been too busy otherwise. I think it would be a good time to re-focus things and make sure my goals are still the same and probably make some new ones now that old ones have been accomplished.
That's all, folks.
On top of that, it has been about two years now since I had the attack that lead up to my downfall in the first place. And I can't help but notice some of the same occurrences happening lately that happened that year in this month too. I had gotten a horrible cold that month and I was neglecting to take care of myself and ended up having an attack and after that things slowly went downhill. I have noticed this month I seem to be a bit more on edge and it is because I do fear falling down again and since it's the month it happened two years ago and all the similarities I have been noticing have not really helped my confidence. However, I do realize that just because things happened one way doesn't mean they will happen that way again but it doesn't stop my mind from irrationally wandering to those thoughts. I guess all I can do is continue what I've been doing and hope for the best.
In the meantime, I have trying to take better care of myself and not neglect my well-being. In this month, I've been sick twice now. sometimes I feel like i get sick when things are out of balance and my body is trying to find a way to stabilize but I haven't been over working myself on anything lately. I also wonder if I've gotten sick more often because I am around more people. In the past year I really haven't gotten sick all that much till lately but I was never around a lot of people to get sick in the first place. I suppose I really shouldn't be worried too much about who shot the arrow but more on how to remove it.
Along with all the unpleasantness of being sick, I have also been feeling very lonely. I wish I had someone who cared in that way and who'd take care of me while I was sick. I am blessed that I have friends who care but it's a little different when that one person cares. I still feel like I am not ready to be in a relationship though. I want to be comfortable with sitting with my loneliness and not trying to cover it up with just anyone's affection or a temporary distraction. I feel like lately when I get involved with seeing someone, I end up settling and not being treated so great. I know getting into a relationship isn't going to make me happy if I am not already happy with myself. Anyway...
I've been making a lot of new friends lately which has been nice. I really do love to get to know people, it fascinates me to know about other people. It has also kept me socially busy, which I think is a good thing cuz it keeps me going out and doing stuff. Even when I don't really want to go out when I do I end up having a good time so I think a little push has been good. Other than that, things haven't been too busy otherwise. I think it would be a good time to re-focus things and make sure my goals are still the same and probably make some new ones now that old ones have been accomplished.
That's all, folks.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Lately.
Things have been picking up again lately in my life and I have been trying to find a good balance between staying busy and keeping time for myself. I am glad that I have been busy and more so that I have been able to rise to the challenge but I don't want to overwhelm myself so I've been trying to have some down time to do things that I enjoy to do on my own. The past couple of weeks have proven to be rather stressful. I feel like it's just been one situation after another. I know things will get better, it's just been really frustrating in the meantime..like..Really?!? What's next??
All of it has made me really, really wish I traveled. There is nothing more I'd like than to just get away for the weekend. I even got to a point where I turned off my phone for a couple days and kinda hid out. There is a part of me that yearns to travel, to see beautiful places. I think it frustrates me because I have turned down some really great opportunities to travel to cool places. I am not sure how to get from here to that point where I can travel though. That is probably my biggest step I will have to take.
I think lately I feel more inclined to really get out there because I've had one too many reminders lately that life is in no way guaranteed. I could have another 50 years...or another 5 days. I don't want to spend my life worrying about trivial things and getting stressed out over things that won't matter in a few months anyway. I get so caught up in the situation that I forget that it's not life threatening most of the time. I just don't want to miss out. I want to be able to look back at my life and smile because of all the amazing memories. I've heard that your life flashes before your eyes before you die...well, I want to have an amazing flashback then. I hope the baby steps I am making will get me to the bigger steps...
All of it has made me really, really wish I traveled. There is nothing more I'd like than to just get away for the weekend. I even got to a point where I turned off my phone for a couple days and kinda hid out. There is a part of me that yearns to travel, to see beautiful places. I think it frustrates me because I have turned down some really great opportunities to travel to cool places. I am not sure how to get from here to that point where I can travel though. That is probably my biggest step I will have to take.
I think lately I feel more inclined to really get out there because I've had one too many reminders lately that life is in no way guaranteed. I could have another 50 years...or another 5 days. I don't want to spend my life worrying about trivial things and getting stressed out over things that won't matter in a few months anyway. I get so caught up in the situation that I forget that it's not life threatening most of the time. I just don't want to miss out. I want to be able to look back at my life and smile because of all the amazing memories. I've heard that your life flashes before your eyes before you die...well, I want to have an amazing flashback then. I hope the baby steps I am making will get me to the bigger steps...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Time flies.
It has been awhile since I've really been able to sit down and write about what has been going on. The past couple of months have really just flown by for me. I think that in my last post I mentioned how things went from 0-60 and they just kept going like that. Lately things have been slowing down, probably because of a few things that have changed. The Street of Dreams ended this past weekend. I wasn't able to actually get out there to see the house but my neighbor showed me pictures. It was exciting to see my artwork on display like that. I am also working on a website for my art. I'm not sure where things will go with that but I am curious to see what happen.
My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. He had been sick for some time now and we all knew it was coming but I don't think anyone can ever really be prepared for when the time comes. His doctor had given him about 4-6 weeks left and he made it about 3 before he was gone. He was the youngest of my mom's siblings and had just gotten married in the past couple of years, the whole situation was just very sad. Due to my inability to travel yet...even shorter distances, I didn't make it to the funeral. It bothers me that the agoraphobia has it's claws in me to that extent still. I feel selfish for not being able to attend even though everyone else was understanding about it.
Me with my uncle when I was young
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
Lately I feel like I have gotten a bit off track. I had forgotten how much actually goes on in life. I mean, my day-to-day used to be sleeping, and finding random things to do around the house and now that I've been getting out, it's been different situations that arise to solve. I feel like in the past month my life has been very dramatic and I have made some decisions that were not the best. However, I think that I am able to take much more away from those situations now. I definitely need to be more careful about the people I trust and let into my life. I thought I had met someone who was really trustworthy, only to find out the opposite. The situation definitely caused much more stress than I have dealt with from someone in a long time. So to get back on track, I've decided to get back to the fundamentals. Taking care of myself. I've been going to the gym regularly, trying to eat better, and get on a better sleep schedule although that one has not really been working!
I still continue to meditate. I try for 20 minutes twice a day. I listen to my hypno cd every morning and I do my positive affirmations every afternoon. It has been awhile since I have been to the temple, the last couple of Sundays I went, the spiritual teacher was not there. I did hear news he is trying to open an ashram here! There is a Buddhist temple here as well that I would erally like to go check out.
There is still a very strong part of me that wants to get involved with something...a way I can give back...get involved with something bigger. I've looked at some volunteering options but nothing I was able to do. I want to get involved with something I feel in my heart and I have yet to discover what that is. So I am still searching for that.
Other than that, I have just been doing what I can to keep getting out. I have noticed I have been more comfortable getting out and doing things. I actually have been able to make plans lately and am less worried about not being able to do it and just kind of see what happens. There is still a part of me that fears the rug being pulled from underneath me but that fear has been fading slowly. It's still there but I try to not focus on that as much as focusing on the support I have and the people who are amazing and will help me no matter what happens. Lastly, I had another photoshoot which I was very excited for. I've been wanting to work with this photographer for quite awhile now, almost over a year and we finally we're able to get together.
Pics from the shoot
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
I feel completely grateful to be where I am. Sometimes when I am out, I catch myself realizing where I am and what I am doing in that very moment and how far things have come. I thank God because I realize that regardless of my situation I am very blessed to be where I am. I do not think I would have been able to do it without the help of some amazing people in my life. My friends really helped me pull through providing continuous support. My close friends who always were there to listen and talk to me even at 2 am. My family, for being supportive in their own ways, my bar friend for being incredibly nurturing and providing me with my first set of canvases, and even my super delicious friend. Regardless of how things ended up, I really do feel he was one of the catalysts in getting me out to begin with. Plus, the new friends I've made who have been really accepting of me and have their own issues with anxiety or in life they've shared. I think that when people relate to each other on the level that we all suffer and we all want the same thing...happiness and to be loved, it is so much easier to relate and understand others.
My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. He had been sick for some time now and we all knew it was coming but I don't think anyone can ever really be prepared for when the time comes. His doctor had given him about 4-6 weeks left and he made it about 3 before he was gone. He was the youngest of my mom's siblings and had just gotten married in the past couple of years, the whole situation was just very sad. Due to my inability to travel yet...even shorter distances, I didn't make it to the funeral. It bothers me that the agoraphobia has it's claws in me to that extent still. I feel selfish for not being able to attend even though everyone else was understanding about it.
Me with my uncle when I was young
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
Lately I feel like I have gotten a bit off track. I had forgotten how much actually goes on in life. I mean, my day-to-day used to be sleeping, and finding random things to do around the house and now that I've been getting out, it's been different situations that arise to solve. I feel like in the past month my life has been very dramatic and I have made some decisions that were not the best. However, I think that I am able to take much more away from those situations now. I definitely need to be more careful about the people I trust and let into my life. I thought I had met someone who was really trustworthy, only to find out the opposite. The situation definitely caused much more stress than I have dealt with from someone in a long time. So to get back on track, I've decided to get back to the fundamentals. Taking care of myself. I've been going to the gym regularly, trying to eat better, and get on a better sleep schedule although that one has not really been working!
I still continue to meditate. I try for 20 minutes twice a day. I listen to my hypno cd every morning and I do my positive affirmations every afternoon. It has been awhile since I have been to the temple, the last couple of Sundays I went, the spiritual teacher was not there. I did hear news he is trying to open an ashram here! There is a Buddhist temple here as well that I would erally like to go check out.
There is still a very strong part of me that wants to get involved with something...a way I can give back...get involved with something bigger. I've looked at some volunteering options but nothing I was able to do. I want to get involved with something I feel in my heart and I have yet to discover what that is. So I am still searching for that.
Other than that, I have just been doing what I can to keep getting out. I have noticed I have been more comfortable getting out and doing things. I actually have been able to make plans lately and am less worried about not being able to do it and just kind of see what happens. There is still a part of me that fears the rug being pulled from underneath me but that fear has been fading slowly. It's still there but I try to not focus on that as much as focusing on the support I have and the people who are amazing and will help me no matter what happens. Lastly, I had another photoshoot which I was very excited for. I've been wanting to work with this photographer for quite awhile now, almost over a year and we finally we're able to get together.
Pics from the shoot
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
I feel completely grateful to be where I am. Sometimes when I am out, I catch myself realizing where I am and what I am doing in that very moment and how far things have come. I thank God because I realize that regardless of my situation I am very blessed to be where I am. I do not think I would have been able to do it without the help of some amazing people in my life. My friends really helped me pull through providing continuous support. My close friends who always were there to listen and talk to me even at 2 am. My family, for being supportive in their own ways, my bar friend for being incredibly nurturing and providing me with my first set of canvases, and even my super delicious friend. Regardless of how things ended up, I really do feel he was one of the catalysts in getting me out to begin with. Plus, the new friends I've made who have been really accepting of me and have their own issues with anxiety or in life they've shared. I think that when people relate to each other on the level that we all suffer and we all want the same thing...happiness and to be loved, it is so much easier to relate and understand others.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Another late night
I love this song. The words seem so loving to me...I think that's the kind of love I want to have and give to someone someday. :)
On a side note...I feel like lately whenever I get comfortable with things, it changes on me. I know this is life but I've had a really hard time adjusting to changes lately...how does one just go with the flow?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Late night pondering.
For whatever reasons, I cannot seem to get to sleep tonight. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I have been sleeping quite a bit lately but it is what it is so here I am with a little update for my journal. I feel like things have been moving forward still just very slowly. I think that I have come to a point where the things that I need to do have become quite a bit harder for me to do and so I am more reserved when it comes to doing them. I did make it to a movie last week with a friend which is great because I was really worried I would not be able to sit through it. But I did and I was very glad. My friend is pretty chill about things so that was a huge help knowing I had the freedom to just walk out if need be and I wouldn't upset him.
I kind of feel like my life has gone from 0 to 60 in the past month. Which I suppose for any person not dealing with agoraphobia would be more like going from 0-15 but I think because I am still getting used to actually having things to do I feel rather busy. But not too busy of course because I still find time to take about a two hour nap most days. I feel the need to take a nap daily anymore because I get so tired so easily...probably because I am not used to being so busy. But it's a good thing, I am just grateful to be going out again and having things to do.
More specifically, my time is now taken up with painting, trying to get to the gym, and random social activities along with all of the stuff I do daily...like meditation and positive affirmation stuff I've mentioned before. So it's not really a stressful busy because there is not a ton of responsibility there but it keeps me on my toes.
My main focus lately is to continue to move forward and to focus on what I need to do to be true to myself. For a long time all I ever wanted was to fit in and have everyone like me and to live that way is very hard because it's all over the place. I still fight with this obsession but lately I've opened myself up to looking at things differently. I don't want to live inside the box and to fit in..is to live inside some sort of box that someone else believes is the way. And I've relaxed a little with hoping that everyone will like me because...well that just won't happen. So now, I feel like if I am just true to myself and I live by my own values and what I feel is best for me then everything else will fall into place. How can I go wrong if I just do my best to stick to what I value while keeping an open mind that while it may be the way that works for me it may not be the way that works for others? I realize I may lose some friends along the way but I think that will separate those who are true friends from those who aren't. Which I've kind of learned a lot in this past year dealing with all of the things I have been dealing with. And I'll admit, I have a really hard time losing friends. I hate it. It makes me sad...but what is the alternative? Trying to be everyone's shadow then wondering why I don't know who I am? I don't want that anymore. I wonder often if the agoraphobia has been a way for me to figure out who I am..and as you all know I am sure who read this...it's a hard teacher...but maybe once I learn the lesson, the teacher won't keep reappearing in my life?
Only time will tell I suppose. :)
I kind of feel like my life has gone from 0 to 60 in the past month. Which I suppose for any person not dealing with agoraphobia would be more like going from 0-15 but I think because I am still getting used to actually having things to do I feel rather busy. But not too busy of course because I still find time to take about a two hour nap most days. I feel the need to take a nap daily anymore because I get so tired so easily...probably because I am not used to being so busy. But it's a good thing, I am just grateful to be going out again and having things to do.
More specifically, my time is now taken up with painting, trying to get to the gym, and random social activities along with all of the stuff I do daily...like meditation and positive affirmation stuff I've mentioned before. So it's not really a stressful busy because there is not a ton of responsibility there but it keeps me on my toes.
My main focus lately is to continue to move forward and to focus on what I need to do to be true to myself. For a long time all I ever wanted was to fit in and have everyone like me and to live that way is very hard because it's all over the place. I still fight with this obsession but lately I've opened myself up to looking at things differently. I don't want to live inside the box and to fit in..is to live inside some sort of box that someone else believes is the way. And I've relaxed a little with hoping that everyone will like me because...well that just won't happen. So now, I feel like if I am just true to myself and I live by my own values and what I feel is best for me then everything else will fall into place. How can I go wrong if I just do my best to stick to what I value while keeping an open mind that while it may be the way that works for me it may not be the way that works for others? I realize I may lose some friends along the way but I think that will separate those who are true friends from those who aren't. Which I've kind of learned a lot in this past year dealing with all of the things I have been dealing with. And I'll admit, I have a really hard time losing friends. I hate it. It makes me sad...but what is the alternative? Trying to be everyone's shadow then wondering why I don't know who I am? I don't want that anymore. I wonder often if the agoraphobia has been a way for me to figure out who I am..and as you all know I am sure who read this...it's a hard teacher...but maybe once I learn the lesson, the teacher won't keep reappearing in my life?
Only time will tell I suppose. :)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Update.
So things have gotten better since my last post. It took me a bit to "recover" from that night but I've had a really good week this week. I feel like I am getting back into the swing of things. I almost feel busy but I'm not really busy, I think it's just the change of pace. I went from doing nothing all day to actually having plans....seeing friends and running errands and painting.
Painting has really picked up for me lately. I've mentioned before I've got a few pieces in the Street of Dreams this year and I'm now I am doing two more. The Street of Dreams is in Sept. so it's coming soon! I also have had a few friends ask me to paint something for them so I've been keeping busy with that! Painting is something I've found to really just get into and I love it. I love opening new paints and all the colors and starting on a new canvas. :)
I still feel like I have a lot to do and I'm not really sure exactly what so I sort of feel like I am feeling around in the dark. Something is off in my life and I am not sure what it is. So lately I have been trying to focus on what I'd really like to be doing and what makes me happy and how I feel about things. I'm taking a belly dancing class at my gym and also another dance class called NIA. I feel great after both of them so I have been trying to go when I can. Sometimes it's hard for me, it's an hour long class and I don't wanna run out in the middle of it but I've been pretty open with the instructors about the anxiety and so it really hasn't been a big deal. I really think the NIA class will be good because it focuses on the body and movement and just finding pleasure through dance. I've also been trying to set down a regular gym schedule because I seem to be a little more at ease when I am working out. It's hard for me to do sometimes though because it's usually the first thing I'll skip out on and I've never liked to go to the gym in the first place.
I also have been reading a book called Count Your Blessings. I really like it. It's abouthow positive thinking and finding the good in a situation can help you get through it and attract good things into your life. I haven't read the whole book yet but I definitely like it. I believe in that stuff. I think the sort of energy you put out into the universe will come back to you. And I still do my positive affirmations every day and meditations and I think it does help me.
I was able to talk to my super delicious friend and I found out what the issue was. He basically just told me that he wasn't in any place to be dealing with me and what I need from someone. He actually told me that he thought I acted rather childish when I was anxious and he just didn't understand why, as an adult, I would act like that. Now, I have to admit, some of my behvaior the last time I saw him really was....just lame. I won't lie, I was being really annoying towards the end of the night. However, the anxious times he is referring to...well....really I can't help that. I was just glad he was honest with me and it gave me closure which was way better than wondering what happened. But...still...it really hurt to hear that. If I could help the way I act when I am anxious...well then it wouldn't be a problem would it? I am trying and I am working on things but how I get when I get anxious...it's just how I get. It kind of reinforces my beliefs that I am too much to handle for a guy. I know he is just one person, but my fear doesn't always take stuff like that into consideration. I've always been worried about getting into a relationship that the guy will jsut decide I am too much and he can't deal with me. He and I weren't even in a relationship and it was too much! But it is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it now and I really do think at the beginning he was a huge help in getting me out so I can't really be too upset about the situation.
Lastly, I had another photo shoot while I was hosue sitting for my friend. Here is one of the pics
By kkaci, shot with NIKON D40 at 2009-08-06
I hope everyone is doing well and having a good summer!
Painting has really picked up for me lately. I've mentioned before I've got a few pieces in the Street of Dreams this year and I'm now I am doing two more. The Street of Dreams is in Sept. so it's coming soon! I also have had a few friends ask me to paint something for them so I've been keeping busy with that! Painting is something I've found to really just get into and I love it. I love opening new paints and all the colors and starting on a new canvas. :)
I still feel like I have a lot to do and I'm not really sure exactly what so I sort of feel like I am feeling around in the dark. Something is off in my life and I am not sure what it is. So lately I have been trying to focus on what I'd really like to be doing and what makes me happy and how I feel about things. I'm taking a belly dancing class at my gym and also another dance class called NIA. I feel great after both of them so I have been trying to go when I can. Sometimes it's hard for me, it's an hour long class and I don't wanna run out in the middle of it but I've been pretty open with the instructors about the anxiety and so it really hasn't been a big deal. I really think the NIA class will be good because it focuses on the body and movement and just finding pleasure through dance. I've also been trying to set down a regular gym schedule because I seem to be a little more at ease when I am working out. It's hard for me to do sometimes though because it's usually the first thing I'll skip out on and I've never liked to go to the gym in the first place.
I also have been reading a book called Count Your Blessings. I really like it. It's abouthow positive thinking and finding the good in a situation can help you get through it and attract good things into your life. I haven't read the whole book yet but I definitely like it. I believe in that stuff. I think the sort of energy you put out into the universe will come back to you. And I still do my positive affirmations every day and meditations and I think it does help me.
I was able to talk to my super delicious friend and I found out what the issue was. He basically just told me that he wasn't in any place to be dealing with me and what I need from someone. He actually told me that he thought I acted rather childish when I was anxious and he just didn't understand why, as an adult, I would act like that. Now, I have to admit, some of my behvaior the last time I saw him really was....just lame. I won't lie, I was being really annoying towards the end of the night. However, the anxious times he is referring to...well....really I can't help that. I was just glad he was honest with me and it gave me closure which was way better than wondering what happened. But...still...it really hurt to hear that. If I could help the way I act when I am anxious...well then it wouldn't be a problem would it? I am trying and I am working on things but how I get when I get anxious...it's just how I get. It kind of reinforces my beliefs that I am too much to handle for a guy. I know he is just one person, but my fear doesn't always take stuff like that into consideration. I've always been worried about getting into a relationship that the guy will jsut decide I am too much and he can't deal with me. He and I weren't even in a relationship and it was too much! But it is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it now and I really do think at the beginning he was a huge help in getting me out so I can't really be too upset about the situation.
Lastly, I had another photo shoot while I was hosue sitting for my friend. Here is one of the pics
By kkaci, shot with NIKON D40 at 2009-08-06
I hope everyone is doing well and having a good summer!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Art
Here is some of the art work that I have been working on lately. The last two are for my neighbor for her Street of Dreams house and the first one is just one I did for fun :)
Keahi and Lana
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Chocolate Swirl
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Chocolate Drizzle
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Things are still moving forward although these past could of weeks have been a little rougher on me. Not sure why, I think sometimes I just get too caught up in negative thinking and it takes toll. The good news is that despite that, I have still been able to get out and do the things I've wanted to do, just with a bit more nerves. My older friend got a new car and I went to the car show to see it last week. This was one of the things I really wanted to do but had a very hard time doing it. I was nervous about it during the day and when I was walking towards the car show and turned right back around! I had to sit at my car for a little bit but I eventually made it over there. A friend that was there came over and chatted with me for a bit and I eventually relaxed a little and even joined them for dinner after. I wasn't able to sit through dinner though, I ended up getting my food to go but it was okay with everyone.
ZR1
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I also made it downtown again! I attended an event at one of the downtown clubs where another one of my dj friends was playing (not to be mistaken for my super delicious friend who also is a DJ). I've never seen him play before so I really wanted to go but I wasn't sure if I'd make it down. It ended up being one of those 'lets see how far I can get' situations and I made it down there! I did have some anxiety throughout the night and I had to take a moment and ended up sitting in the dj booth in a corner till it passed. My friend was really nice to me about it and tried to help me relax a little. Which I really appreciated. Having supportive people around really does help things pass quicker. :)
I hope that everyone is doing well. :)
Keahi and Lana
Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!Chocolate Swirl
Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!Chocolate Drizzle
Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!Things are still moving forward although these past could of weeks have been a little rougher on me. Not sure why, I think sometimes I just get too caught up in negative thinking and it takes toll. The good news is that despite that, I have still been able to get out and do the things I've wanted to do, just with a bit more nerves. My older friend got a new car and I went to the car show to see it last week. This was one of the things I really wanted to do but had a very hard time doing it. I was nervous about it during the day and when I was walking towards the car show and turned right back around! I had to sit at my car for a little bit but I eventually made it over there. A friend that was there came over and chatted with me for a bit and I eventually relaxed a little and even joined them for dinner after. I wasn't able to sit through dinner though, I ended up getting my food to go but it was okay with everyone.
ZR1
Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!I also made it downtown again! I attended an event at one of the downtown clubs where another one of my dj friends was playing (not to be mistaken for my super delicious friend who also is a DJ). I've never seen him play before so I really wanted to go but I wasn't sure if I'd make it down. It ended up being one of those 'lets see how far I can get' situations and I made it down there! I did have some anxiety throughout the night and I had to take a moment and ended up sitting in the dj booth in a corner till it passed. My friend was really nice to me about it and tried to help me relax a little. Which I really appreciated. Having supportive people around really does help things pass quicker. :)
I hope that everyone is doing well. :)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Just a few things.
So I thought I would post a blog on some of the things that I have been doing that has helped me get to where I am with things today. I am still working towards being better and I know everyone is different and so this may or may not be helpful but I thought I would share. :)
I do a few things each day and have been for the past few months. I listen to a hypnotherapy cd each morning before I get out of bed. It's only ten minutes long and it has a lot of positive affirmations that I think have been helping me. I also have been writing out positive affirmations once a day. I have a notebook purely for this sort of stuff. I usually take about a page and a half or two pages if I feel I am having a bad day. I try to frame each affirmation as though I am already that way...like "I am happy and secure" is one that I have been doing. I think this has been a huge help for me because my mind tends to fall into negative thoughts and I think that a person's thoughts has a lot to do with what they believe they can and can't do. I believe that a person's actions can come back around to them and so can thoughts. It's more than just writing it out though, I find it helpful to really think about what I am writing about and how it would feel to be happy and secure or have confidence.
I have also been thinking a lot about how I'd like to be living my life and how I want to be and writing that out before I go to bed. I call this my 'Ideal Self' note. Basically, I just write all the qualities I want to have and how I want to live my life and again, I think about how it would be to be living that way and I phrase it in present tense.
I meditate about twice a day for 20 minutes each...so far that is about as long as I can last before I get super antsy. It's difficult to sit there for 20 minutes and not let my mind wander and I do get frustrated but I think the thing is to just keep at it. The Dharma Pravartaka at the Hindu temple said that I would notice a difference if I just stuck with it and I think that it has helped me move forward. I repeat a mantra over and over again and that helps. Either that or I just try to concentrate on my breathing. Sometimes, I repeat the positive affirmations in my head too. Can't send out too many positive vibes into the universe :)
I have also tried to not be so hard on myself when things don't go the way I would like them too. If I make it, great! If I don't, at least I tried even if I don't get further than my neighborhood. I still tried. And sometimes I will go home, calm down and try again later. Lately when I have been getting anxious when I go out rather than just leaving, I try to sit it out. I'll go to a quiet place or go sit in my car till things get better. In some cases, I just need to go but that's okay too.
It bums me out sometimes when I get to the point I have to leave but at least I got out there in the first place.
I actually just picked up some aromatherapy stuff at Bath and Body works. I have the Instant Comfort and the Optimism one. They are little roller things that you just roll on your wrist and then inhale the scent. I love the Optimism one, it smells so good I smile when I'm smelling it and I think that the Instant Comfort has been helpful to me also.
By kkaci at 2009-07-02
Lastly, my friends have been a huge support system to me. I've been pretty open with people about my situation and many of them have been more understanding than I would have imagined. Even new people I meet or people I thought wouldn't understand. It has also helped to have a few comfort people I know I can call on. I think that getting to know my super delicious friend better helped, I really started to get out and do things I wouldn't have imagined would happen so soon. Having him around as someone who is comforting and who was affectionate has been a huge help at getting me out to some very uncomfortable places. My bar friend has also been a very big help in me getting out more. He has done everything he can to make me comfortable at his bar, which has been my practice place to getting out more and being around people. When things get to be too much, he lets me sit in the back away from people until I calm down. He also is a very nurturing person and has provided me with a lot of positive support and has been encouraging me and reminding me how good I have been doing when I am feeling low. And I have many others who have been absolutely amazing. Every time I realize it, I feel very, very blessed.
By kkaci at 2009-07-02
So these are some of the things I have been doing lately that I've noticed have helped. I know I haven't been very detailed in my past blogs about what I've been doing so I hope that maybe this can be useful :)
I do a few things each day and have been for the past few months. I listen to a hypnotherapy cd each morning before I get out of bed. It's only ten minutes long and it has a lot of positive affirmations that I think have been helping me. I also have been writing out positive affirmations once a day. I have a notebook purely for this sort of stuff. I usually take about a page and a half or two pages if I feel I am having a bad day. I try to frame each affirmation as though I am already that way...like "I am happy and secure" is one that I have been doing. I think this has been a huge help for me because my mind tends to fall into negative thoughts and I think that a person's thoughts has a lot to do with what they believe they can and can't do. I believe that a person's actions can come back around to them and so can thoughts. It's more than just writing it out though, I find it helpful to really think about what I am writing about and how it would feel to be happy and secure or have confidence.
I have also been thinking a lot about how I'd like to be living my life and how I want to be and writing that out before I go to bed. I call this my 'Ideal Self' note. Basically, I just write all the qualities I want to have and how I want to live my life and again, I think about how it would be to be living that way and I phrase it in present tense.
I meditate about twice a day for 20 minutes each...so far that is about as long as I can last before I get super antsy. It's difficult to sit there for 20 minutes and not let my mind wander and I do get frustrated but I think the thing is to just keep at it. The Dharma Pravartaka at the Hindu temple said that I would notice a difference if I just stuck with it and I think that it has helped me move forward. I repeat a mantra over and over again and that helps. Either that or I just try to concentrate on my breathing. Sometimes, I repeat the positive affirmations in my head too. Can't send out too many positive vibes into the universe :)
I have also tried to not be so hard on myself when things don't go the way I would like them too. If I make it, great! If I don't, at least I tried even if I don't get further than my neighborhood. I still tried. And sometimes I will go home, calm down and try again later. Lately when I have been getting anxious when I go out rather than just leaving, I try to sit it out. I'll go to a quiet place or go sit in my car till things get better. In some cases, I just need to go but that's okay too.
It bums me out sometimes when I get to the point I have to leave but at least I got out there in the first place.
I actually just picked up some aromatherapy stuff at Bath and Body works. I have the Instant Comfort and the Optimism one. They are little roller things that you just roll on your wrist and then inhale the scent. I love the Optimism one, it smells so good I smile when I'm smelling it and I think that the Instant Comfort has been helpful to me also.
By kkaci at 2009-07-02
Lastly, my friends have been a huge support system to me. I've been pretty open with people about my situation and many of them have been more understanding than I would have imagined. Even new people I meet or people I thought wouldn't understand. It has also helped to have a few comfort people I know I can call on. I think that getting to know my super delicious friend better helped, I really started to get out and do things I wouldn't have imagined would happen so soon. Having him around as someone who is comforting and who was affectionate has been a huge help at getting me out to some very uncomfortable places. My bar friend has also been a very big help in me getting out more. He has done everything he can to make me comfortable at his bar, which has been my practice place to getting out more and being around people. When things get to be too much, he lets me sit in the back away from people until I calm down. He also is a very nurturing person and has provided me with a lot of positive support and has been encouraging me and reminding me how good I have been doing when I am feeling low. And I have many others who have been absolutely amazing. Every time I realize it, I feel very, very blessed.
By kkaci at 2009-07-02
So these are some of the things I have been doing lately that I've noticed have helped. I know I haven't been very detailed in my past blogs about what I've been doing so I hope that maybe this can be useful :)
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friendly support.
So progress this week has continued to go pretty well. Tuesday, I hung out with my older friend for a little bit at a Sushi restaurant near my house. Wed. I went up to my friends bar, LiT again and managed to stay most of the night! I am very happy to be around people again. I have also been able to maintain a regular gym schedule too. Friday, however, was a rough night for me. I decided to meet some friends up at LiT. I was okay for about a half hour before things got overwhelming and there were just too many people around. So I excused myself and sat outside to try to calm down. It took awhile but eventually I was okay. I wanted to leave but at the same time I didn't want to leave. For the rest of the night, the anxiety was on and off and I had to excuse myself several more times. I ended up sitting in the back of the bar in the kitchen area to settle down. My friend who owns the bar has been very understanding and supportive towards me through the past few months and has tried to do what he can to make me comfortable when I come out. He has been a really wonderful person to me. He just hugged me and tried his best to reassure me and remind me that the feelings would pass and that I could do whatever I needed to do to feel comfortable. And really, I think that was a big help because it was very comforting of him. :) Plus, all I want is for someone to just hug me and tell me things will be okay. Now I just need to find someone who would like to be that person on a regular basis :)
At first, I kind of felt like I was taking steps backwards. I mean, it was just last weekend I had made it all the way downtown and in a very crowded place. But I realize some days I am going to feel more confident than others and that is just the way it is for now. I am glad that I stuck it out though because it helped me see that I could manage to calm myself down even though it was extremely uncomfortable. I think that is what I need to work on now...working on dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and not running away. This is going to be the hard part so I am glad I have some very supportive people in my life. I told my bar friend that I was afraid of falling down again and he reassured me that he would do his best not to let that happen. So onward I go...
I have been meeting new people lately, and I have been very open with people about the agoraphobia and I find that people tend to be a lot more understanding than I would have thought. I actually had this discussion with my super delicious friend at one point, about worrying of what others thought and he has told me a few times now that I have to stop worrying about that so much. People are either going to accept me or they won't and I can't bother worrying about the ones that won't because not everyone is going to like me, plain and simple. Luckily, lately most people I meet do like me and have been very understanding about the anxiety. :)
Anyway, Friday was so much for me, I took it easy on Saturday and did some more painting. I finished a set of paintings for my neighbor for her Street of Dreams house and I am almost finished with music painting part II for my super delicious friend.
Street of Dreams
By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28
Friend's painting. Part I
By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28
Along with getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable (or at least tolerating it better) I think I also need to work on finding a good balance and realizing what my limits are. I have been pushing myself so much to get out lately because my mentality is that 'things are going good so do as much as you can, while you can!' I don't want to feel like I need to be getting out at every single opportunity. I want to be able to say no...well because I want to not because of the fear but just because I can. I am glad I have been pushing myself because it's shown me I can do it but I don't want to end of overwhelming myself too much. So I am just going with the flow of things and seeing where it takes me. As Dido puts it in her song Northern Skies..."A million adventures, not yet begun." :)
At first, I kind of felt like I was taking steps backwards. I mean, it was just last weekend I had made it all the way downtown and in a very crowded place. But I realize some days I am going to feel more confident than others and that is just the way it is for now. I am glad that I stuck it out though because it helped me see that I could manage to calm myself down even though it was extremely uncomfortable. I think that is what I need to work on now...working on dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and not running away. This is going to be the hard part so I am glad I have some very supportive people in my life. I told my bar friend that I was afraid of falling down again and he reassured me that he would do his best not to let that happen. So onward I go...
I have been meeting new people lately, and I have been very open with people about the agoraphobia and I find that people tend to be a lot more understanding than I would have thought. I actually had this discussion with my super delicious friend at one point, about worrying of what others thought and he has told me a few times now that I have to stop worrying about that so much. People are either going to accept me or they won't and I can't bother worrying about the ones that won't because not everyone is going to like me, plain and simple. Luckily, lately most people I meet do like me and have been very understanding about the anxiety. :)
Anyway, Friday was so much for me, I took it easy on Saturday and did some more painting. I finished a set of paintings for my neighbor for her Street of Dreams house and I am almost finished with music painting part II for my super delicious friend.
Street of Dreams
By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28
Friend's painting. Part I
By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28
Along with getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable (or at least tolerating it better) I think I also need to work on finding a good balance and realizing what my limits are. I have been pushing myself so much to get out lately because my mentality is that 'things are going good so do as much as you can, while you can!' I don't want to feel like I need to be getting out at every single opportunity. I want to be able to say no...well because I want to not because of the fear but just because I can. I am glad I have been pushing myself because it's shown me I can do it but I don't want to end of overwhelming myself too much. So I am just going with the flow of things and seeing where it takes me. As Dido puts it in her song Northern Skies..."A million adventures, not yet begun." :)
Monday, June 22, 2009
Back in the game...?
A few months ago, I made a comment about how I felt as though I was sitting on the sidelines, watching the game being played without me. That is basically how I felt about my life and the agoraphobia. I felt as though it had just put me on pause. That life was going on all around me but I was just sitting by watching everything happen.
Lately, I have felt as though I have been put back in the game and my life is slowing moving forward once again. Progress this week has gone really well for me. I am actually shocked by it! This past weekend has been very good. I have made it my furthest yet. I went to see my super delicious friend DJ...at a club...downtown. The downtown area has always, always been very difficult for me to deal with. Not only is it almost a half hour drive from my house but there are a lot of one way streets and the parking is just...not agoraphobic friendly. I get totally confused driving around downtown and it's never been a place I feel comfortable going. In fact, I didn't think I would be able to even consider making it a goal for a few more months.
However, for whatever reason, I was feeling curious. I had talked to my super delicious friend and I was in the mood to go out. I also had been chatting with the owner of the downtown club and he told me if I attempted to make it down, he would personally park my car for me or find me a place that was in front. This was a very nice offer because most places downtown you have to find parking and then walk a few blocks to get to where you are going. So I figured I might as well try and see how far I get. This is my big thing lately...I make an attempt and see how far I get. If I make it, great! If I don't, well at least I tried.
Well, I ended up finding myself downtown at the club! I was shocked but very happy! The club that night was rather busy but luckily I was able to spend most of my time in the DJ booth which was elevated and away from the crowd. I think that being able to park close to the club and being away from the crowd helped immensely. I ended up staying a couple of hours and had a very good time.
Me at the club
By kkaci at 2009-06-22
I do still tend to feel a little anxiety at night time. Tonight I was feeling a bit of it and it really made me wish I just had someone I could just call and talk to who could reassure me that everything would be alright and comfort me. I just want that security. I know I need to find it in myself but it would be nice to just know someone else is there in that way also. I have really supportive friends but sometimes I just want that one person (not to be mistaken for "the one") who wants to provide that sort of comfort.
Anyway, I just feel very grateful and blessed to be making the progress that I have been. I hope everyone is doing well. :)
Lately, I have felt as though I have been put back in the game and my life is slowing moving forward once again. Progress this week has gone really well for me. I am actually shocked by it! This past weekend has been very good. I have made it my furthest yet. I went to see my super delicious friend DJ...at a club...downtown. The downtown area has always, always been very difficult for me to deal with. Not only is it almost a half hour drive from my house but there are a lot of one way streets and the parking is just...not agoraphobic friendly. I get totally confused driving around downtown and it's never been a place I feel comfortable going. In fact, I didn't think I would be able to even consider making it a goal for a few more months.
However, for whatever reason, I was feeling curious. I had talked to my super delicious friend and I was in the mood to go out. I also had been chatting with the owner of the downtown club and he told me if I attempted to make it down, he would personally park my car for me or find me a place that was in front. This was a very nice offer because most places downtown you have to find parking and then walk a few blocks to get to where you are going. So I figured I might as well try and see how far I get. This is my big thing lately...I make an attempt and see how far I get. If I make it, great! If I don't, well at least I tried.
Well, I ended up finding myself downtown at the club! I was shocked but very happy! The club that night was rather busy but luckily I was able to spend most of my time in the DJ booth which was elevated and away from the crowd. I think that being able to park close to the club and being away from the crowd helped immensely. I ended up staying a couple of hours and had a very good time.
Me at the club
By kkaci at 2009-06-22
I do still tend to feel a little anxiety at night time. Tonight I was feeling a bit of it and it really made me wish I just had someone I could just call and talk to who could reassure me that everything would be alright and comfort me. I just want that security. I know I need to find it in myself but it would be nice to just know someone else is there in that way also. I have really supportive friends but sometimes I just want that one person (not to be mistaken for "the one") who wants to provide that sort of comfort.
Anyway, I just feel very grateful and blessed to be making the progress that I have been. I hope everyone is doing well. :)
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A weekend full of surprises.
So this weekend has definitely been one of great accomplishments. I am definitely surprised with myself and continue to hope and be positive that things will continue to move forward. Friday, I was able to talk to my super delicious friend about what has been going on lately. We had texted a bit earlier in the day and I went to go see him out at the bar since he was DJing again. I was a little nervous going there just because I wasn't sure what to expect and also because I still haven't gotten totally comfortable going out. It wasn't very busy so that made things easier and we sat down and talked. He explained that it wasn't something I had done, just stuff he had going on. I explained how I had been feeling and we decided to just take things easy and be friends. I am definitely glad to have talked things out because I feel much better knowing what is going on and that we are on good terms. I ended up staying out the whole night which was like 4 hours! And here's the great part, when the night was over, we talked about me going to his place. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but his place is very very far out of my comfort zone, I had made it a goal to try to make it out there by the end of the summer but even that seemed like I was stretching it and then we stopped talking and so I forgot about it for awhile. He invited me to come hang out since he and his friend would be up for awhile just hanging out. And I actually said I'd try! I figured, why not? Might as well see how far I can get, I can always turn around and go home and it won't be a big deal.
Well, I ended up making it to his place! I still cannot believe it, I mean, even when I've been doing well in the past, the area of town he lives in has always been somewhat difficult for me. I had a very nice time just hanging out and I wasn't on edge too much. I think my biggest worry was once again, what might happen rather than what I was feeling. This is definitely something I need to work on, I think I'd be a little more at ease and would probably be more comfortable with things if I stopped worrying so much about the future and just concentrated on the moment at hand.
That is my big news. Saturday I just stayed home and laid low. I really wanted to go out again but I didn't want to push myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to go out because it's been so long and I want to be out and about. But I don't want to overwhelm myself. I want to find a good balance so I finished the painting I've been working on these past couple of weeks.
By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-14
Today I was able to have lunch with a friend. We had to go somewhere that served fast food because I felt a little uncomfortable with going somewhere where I had to sit and wait but it's a start. I am definitely happy and very grateful for the progress I've made this week. Whether I will be able to make it back over to my super delicious friends house again is up in the air, some days I feel like I am able to do things then another day I won't be able to do the same thing I previously felt I could do. So who knows but I am definitely happy that I tried. There is a part of me that kind of worries a bit about things falling apart again. I try not to dwell on that too much but it is a worry that is in the back of my head. I try to just keep in mind that if I have a set back or something that I just have to get back up and let time pass and things will get better again. And it helps knowing I have people who care about me and who will help me and support me. My friends have been so supportive and understanding towards me, I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate them.
Well, I ended up making it to his place! I still cannot believe it, I mean, even when I've been doing well in the past, the area of town he lives in has always been somewhat difficult for me. I had a very nice time just hanging out and I wasn't on edge too much. I think my biggest worry was once again, what might happen rather than what I was feeling. This is definitely something I need to work on, I think I'd be a little more at ease and would probably be more comfortable with things if I stopped worrying so much about the future and just concentrated on the moment at hand.
That is my big news. Saturday I just stayed home and laid low. I really wanted to go out again but I didn't want to push myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to go out because it's been so long and I want to be out and about. But I don't want to overwhelm myself. I want to find a good balance so I finished the painting I've been working on these past couple of weeks.
By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-14
Today I was able to have lunch with a friend. We had to go somewhere that served fast food because I felt a little uncomfortable with going somewhere where I had to sit and wait but it's a start. I am definitely happy and very grateful for the progress I've made this week. Whether I will be able to make it back over to my super delicious friends house again is up in the air, some days I feel like I am able to do things then another day I won't be able to do the same thing I previously felt I could do. So who knows but I am definitely happy that I tried. There is a part of me that kind of worries a bit about things falling apart again. I try not to dwell on that too much but it is a worry that is in the back of my head. I try to just keep in mind that if I have a set back or something that I just have to get back up and let time pass and things will get better again. And it helps knowing I have people who care about me and who will help me and support me. My friends have been so supportive and understanding towards me, I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate them.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Progress report
I am very happy to say that I was able to finally get together with my photographer for a shoot yesterday! It's been about a year since I've done any shoots and it is definitely something I enjoy doing so it was nice to be able to get back into it. We just set up something very last minute so that I wouldn't have too much time to think and worry over it. It was very laid back and low key. We went to a park nearby my house and found some places to shoot. Took about two hours. He sent me a link to some of the photos so here is one of them. He hasn't been able to edit any of them but I'm too excited to wait.
By KKaci at 2009-06-11
I also was able to get to the Hinduism class on Tuesday and attempted another movie tonight. I am pretty happy with how things have been lately. I do really miss my super delicious friend still. I just wish I knew if I did something so I could fix things if I did. I know it is what it is and that I just need to let it be but sometimes I just miss him. I think I just jumped into things with him way too fast. I don't regret it but I think I am definitely going to take things very very slow from now on. It's weird, I usually do take things slow, I'm not sure what it was with him. Another one of my friends has expressed interest but I am hesitant. I just don't want to lose a friend in the long run. Anyway, I guess whatever happens happens. I am just taking it as it all comes, which seems to be working since progress has been going good. I am completely grateful to be where I am now, especially when I look back at things and see where I was at.
By KKaci at 2009-06-11
I also was able to get to the Hinduism class on Tuesday and attempted another movie tonight. I am pretty happy with how things have been lately. I do really miss my super delicious friend still. I just wish I knew if I did something so I could fix things if I did. I know it is what it is and that I just need to let it be but sometimes I just miss him. I think I just jumped into things with him way too fast. I don't regret it but I think I am definitely going to take things very very slow from now on. It's weird, I usually do take things slow, I'm not sure what it was with him. Another one of my friends has expressed interest but I am hesitant. I just don't want to lose a friend in the long run. Anyway, I guess whatever happens happens. I am just taking it as it all comes, which seems to be working since progress has been going good. I am completely grateful to be where I am now, especially when I look back at things and see where I was at.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sibling Rivalry and a little wisdom.
There seems to be a slight mood running rampant through the house today. I've been able to get along with my family lately, because I have stopped trying to ask for things to be any different and to see people and so things are back to normal...ish. Also, I have been getting out quite a bit more so I am not around the house probably much to my sisters happiness. My sister tends to be very touchy when people have an attitude with her which is ironic since she tends to have an attitude with others more often than not. We had been snappy towards each other most of the night. Whenever she is in one of her moods she always has this slight annoyed tone to her voice. Tonight my mom asked me if I'd like to watch a movie with them and since it was one I wanted to see I figured why not. Well, the moment I sit down my sister is already on my case, I had grabbed my phone to silence it and she turns to me and asked me in a really snotty voice if I was going to be on my phone all night. I really get tired of my sisters attitude over the smallest things and I'm tired of just having to deal with it so she won't throw a fit. So I responded equally annoyed that I was turning it off so she didn't need to worry. Well, that is all it took, she started having a fit and saying that she refused to watch the movie with me because I had an attitude.
She said she didn't want to be around me if I was going to be a bitch, which I don't see what it matters because if we are watching a movie nobody is going to be talking anyway. Which I pointed that out and she didn't seem to like that much either and told me very sarcastically "why don't you go be an agoraphobic and go out some more?"
This is not one of the worst things shes ever said to me but I have to admit I had to bite my tounge to not say something equally painful. We've never really gotten a long and I have some ideas where this all spawned from but I don't know why we haven't grown out of it. Maybe because she hasn't grown out of it, maybe because there are times where I just can't take her bad attitude and childlike tantrums. Sometimes I look at my family and wonder how I turned out to be so different. I know that nobody really purposely wants to make me feel this way (well cept my sister at times) but I do feel like the odd one out. I think that is why my friendships are so important to me and when I do get into them, relationships as well. All I know is that I need to move out, sooner than later.
The movie was very good. There was a lot of good wisdom to it I think. One of the things he said in the movie that stuck with me was:
For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
In the scene, this is a letter he had written to his daughter. It really made me pause for a moment and think about it and I believe it is very true. It never is too late to be who you want to be, sometimes it just takes a lot of work.
She said she didn't want to be around me if I was going to be a bitch, which I don't see what it matters because if we are watching a movie nobody is going to be talking anyway. Which I pointed that out and she didn't seem to like that much either and told me very sarcastically "why don't you go be an agoraphobic and go out some more?"
This is not one of the worst things shes ever said to me but I have to admit I had to bite my tounge to not say something equally painful. We've never really gotten a long and I have some ideas where this all spawned from but I don't know why we haven't grown out of it. Maybe because she hasn't grown out of it, maybe because there are times where I just can't take her bad attitude and childlike tantrums. Sometimes I look at my family and wonder how I turned out to be so different. I know that nobody really purposely wants to make me feel this way (well cept my sister at times) but I do feel like the odd one out. I think that is why my friendships are so important to me and when I do get into them, relationships as well. All I know is that I need to move out, sooner than later.
The movie was very good. There was a lot of good wisdom to it I think. One of the things he said in the movie that stuck with me was:
For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
In the scene, this is a letter he had written to his daughter. It really made me pause for a moment and think about it and I believe it is very true. It never is too late to be who you want to be, sometimes it just takes a lot of work.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Fireflies
For whatever reason, the day that summer officially begins for me, is the day that the fireflies or lightning bugs appear in the evening. Well, on my drive home today, I saw a few lightning bugs. :) So hello summer, I am certainly glad you are finally here! Summer, as I am certain I've mentioned before, is my favorite season. And it's been a good start to summer too. I have hopes that I will be able to get some bigger things accomplished this summer.
By kkaci at 2009-06-07
This weekend was a good one. Friday, I hung out with a friend for a bit. His place is a little out of my comfort zone. He also lives on the third floor of his apartment. It sounds silly but sometimes stuff like that can affect me. I like to park close to where ever I am going and I don't have to like to walk to far from my car. I know with time, these things won't bug me but for now they still do. I managed to hang out for a bit though and then headed over to Lit afterward. I didn't stay for long since it was fairly busy but it was good to get out. Saturday, I stopped up at Varsity and had some pizza with a few friends. I think I was out for a little over a half hour there. It wasn't too busy and it was definitely good to get out again. Afterward, I went home and painted. I don't want to overdo things and push myself too hard. I think this is the first weekend in a long time where I went out both Friday and Saturday. I was quite happy with how things went and it definitely gives me more hope for the future. I was also able to get in a good workout today, which is something that tends to be kind of hit or miss with me lately. I wasn't able to get to the temple at all this past week so I hope that I can get there Tuesday for the class.
Lately, I have not been sleeping well. I just can't seem to fall asleep and when I finally do, I tend to wake up about 3 hours later and it takes a couple of hours to fall back asleep. I am not sure what the cause is for sure but I have had a lot on my mind recently. Sometimes I wonder if I had someone to curl up next to it might help...hopefully in the future? :)
Some of the things that have been helping me get out a little is trying to stay rational about things. I always keep in mind that I am going out with my friends and they will understand if I have to leave or don't make it. Also, I figure that if anything, the least I can do is to try and see how far I get. This has surprised me a lot because sometimes I end up being able to go further than I thought I would. And when it doesn't work out, I can always say that at least I tried and that there will be other opportunities to go out again in the future so I don't get too bummed out. I think that the biggest thing that has helped me lately is positive thinking and also support from my friends. Every time I go out to visit with one of my friends, whenever I get nervous, he will try to talk to me to distract me or just hug me until I relax a little. I'm not entirely sure why this works but it does seem to help. I remember when I went to Elite to see my super delicious friend DJ when I got a bit nervous, holding his hand or hugging him did help me relax. But then again, for some reason, I got quite comfortable with him faster than I usually do with people (And I am still a bit bummed things didn't work out). Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. :)
By kkaci at 2009-06-07
This weekend was a good one. Friday, I hung out with a friend for a bit. His place is a little out of my comfort zone. He also lives on the third floor of his apartment. It sounds silly but sometimes stuff like that can affect me. I like to park close to where ever I am going and I don't have to like to walk to far from my car. I know with time, these things won't bug me but for now they still do. I managed to hang out for a bit though and then headed over to Lit afterward. I didn't stay for long since it was fairly busy but it was good to get out. Saturday, I stopped up at Varsity and had some pizza with a few friends. I think I was out for a little over a half hour there. It wasn't too busy and it was definitely good to get out again. Afterward, I went home and painted. I don't want to overdo things and push myself too hard. I think this is the first weekend in a long time where I went out both Friday and Saturday. I was quite happy with how things went and it definitely gives me more hope for the future. I was also able to get in a good workout today, which is something that tends to be kind of hit or miss with me lately. I wasn't able to get to the temple at all this past week so I hope that I can get there Tuesday for the class.
Lately, I have not been sleeping well. I just can't seem to fall asleep and when I finally do, I tend to wake up about 3 hours later and it takes a couple of hours to fall back asleep. I am not sure what the cause is for sure but I have had a lot on my mind recently. Sometimes I wonder if I had someone to curl up next to it might help...hopefully in the future? :)
Some of the things that have been helping me get out a little is trying to stay rational about things. I always keep in mind that I am going out with my friends and they will understand if I have to leave or don't make it. Also, I figure that if anything, the least I can do is to try and see how far I get. This has surprised me a lot because sometimes I end up being able to go further than I thought I would. And when it doesn't work out, I can always say that at least I tried and that there will be other opportunities to go out again in the future so I don't get too bummed out. I think that the biggest thing that has helped me lately is positive thinking and also support from my friends. Every time I go out to visit with one of my friends, whenever I get nervous, he will try to talk to me to distract me or just hug me until I relax a little. I'm not entirely sure why this works but it does seem to help. I remember when I went to Elite to see my super delicious friend DJ when I got a bit nervous, holding his hand or hugging him did help me relax. But then again, for some reason, I got quite comfortable with him faster than I usually do with people (And I am still a bit bummed things didn't work out). Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. :)
Saturday, June 6, 2009
45 Life Lessons
I got a lovely e-mail today from my e-mail penpal and I thought it had some really great wisdom to it and had to share it with all of you! I absolutely love stuff like this. So here it is... :)
Written by Regina Brett, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time some time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Written by Regina Brett, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time some time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
He's Just not that into you part II
So I am curious to how other agoraphobics do with dating. How do you maintain a relationship? Is it just that the other person is very understanding? Or does it get easier to go out and do stuff with someone else? In the beginning, how do you get past the agoraphobia to have a relationship?
So I'm pretty sure things with my super delicious friend have fallen apart. He's kind of just...disappeared. I haven't seen him for awhile now and it just seems like lately he hasn't really wanted to make the effort to hang out along with some other little things I've picked up on. I actually called him on Monday to talk about things with him and maybe suggest we go back to being friends but I never heard back from him. He hasn't responded to any of my texts either. Okay, so I can take a hint. I'm pretty bummed out about it all. I wasn't expecting him to want to be in a relationship with me but I hoped he at least liked me. Last I checked, guys who like girls...want to see them and don't ignore them. I realize that it takes a lot more compromise on his part since I still have limits but when a guy has liked me in the past, it's never been a huge issue. I think what bums me out the most is that we were friends before all of this. Not close friends but I had hoped when things didn't work out, there would be some sort of communication about that and we could go back to being friends. I was excited because I thought I had found someone to have fun with this summer and spend time with. I feel like I was left in limbo a little bit. I have no idea if I did something to upset him, if I said something, if he just decided he didn't want to continue things or if he has something going on with himself. I have no idea. It's when stuff like this happens, I often wonder if I didn't have the agoraphobia to deal with, if things like this would still happen. *sigh*
Regardless of the details, of what could have been, of what I could have done differently...I don't regret the situation at all. I had a lot of fun with him and I liked him. He helped make me feel attractive again and really he helped me start to get out more. I believe that God puts people in your life that you need at the time. So maybe he was sort of like a catalyst to get me out and give me some confidence. I hope that maybe I'd was able to provide him with something as well although I am not sure what that would be. One door closes, another one opens. I guess it's time to walk through the open door? As Greg (One of the authors from He's Just Not that into You) would say, "don't waste the pretty!"
By kkaci at 2009-06-05
So I'm pretty sure things with my super delicious friend have fallen apart. He's kind of just...disappeared. I haven't seen him for awhile now and it just seems like lately he hasn't really wanted to make the effort to hang out along with some other little things I've picked up on. I actually called him on Monday to talk about things with him and maybe suggest we go back to being friends but I never heard back from him. He hasn't responded to any of my texts either. Okay, so I can take a hint. I'm pretty bummed out about it all. I wasn't expecting him to want to be in a relationship with me but I hoped he at least liked me. Last I checked, guys who like girls...want to see them and don't ignore them. I realize that it takes a lot more compromise on his part since I still have limits but when a guy has liked me in the past, it's never been a huge issue. I think what bums me out the most is that we were friends before all of this. Not close friends but I had hoped when things didn't work out, there would be some sort of communication about that and we could go back to being friends. I was excited because I thought I had found someone to have fun with this summer and spend time with. I feel like I was left in limbo a little bit. I have no idea if I did something to upset him, if I said something, if he just decided he didn't want to continue things or if he has something going on with himself. I have no idea. It's when stuff like this happens, I often wonder if I didn't have the agoraphobia to deal with, if things like this would still happen. *sigh*
Regardless of the details, of what could have been, of what I could have done differently...I don't regret the situation at all. I had a lot of fun with him and I liked him. He helped make me feel attractive again and really he helped me start to get out more. I believe that God puts people in your life that you need at the time. So maybe he was sort of like a catalyst to get me out and give me some confidence. I hope that maybe I'd was able to provide him with something as well although I am not sure what that would be. One door closes, another one opens. I guess it's time to walk through the open door? As Greg (One of the authors from He's Just Not that into You) would say, "don't waste the pretty!"
By kkaci at 2009-06-05
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Birthdays and pushing boundaries.
I've been feeling slightly lonely lately so I notice my mood has been a bit more touchy. I am okay with being by myself and doing things alone but after awhile, it will get to me if I am not around people and/or if I am missing someone in particular. I've noticed a lot that my happiness ties into being around people, whether or not that is a good thing, I'm not sure but it certainly has driven me to get out a little more. I am definitely tired of spending the weekends alone. Friday, I was able to make it out to my friends bar and hang out for a little bit. It was moderately busy and I was a little on edge most of the time I was there but I was very happy to have tried and made it out! I know I really need to push myself this summer but I don't want to overwhelm myself at the same time.
Me at my friend's bar.
By kkaci at 2009-05-31
My older friend had his birthday yesterday and is celebrating at his soon-to-be restaurant today. It is in Dundee which is an area of town that is totally out of my comfort zone. It is maybe 15-20 mins away from my house. I was invited but that may be pushing myself a little too much. I have found myself being more curious about my boundaries lately, just seeing how far I can push myself but even at my furthest point, it'd still be another 10 minutes at least to get to where the party is being held. And sometimes even two minutes is a lot for me still.
I feel like my progress has been going pretty good. I have been having an easier time getting out to places the problem is now once I am there I am worried about what could happen. I feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen and so I don't like to stay long because I want to leave before I get anxious. Yet, if I could just concentrate on the moment at hand and how I felt in that moment, rather than worrying about what could happen, I'd probably be able to stay places a lot longer. I don't know quite how to shift gears and focus my thinking elsewhere.
And lastly, I miss my super delicious friend a little. I haven't seen him for awhile...I almost kind of feel like something is off but I am not sure what. Maybe I am wrong but I read into actions over words...I dunno. I guess whatever happens happens, can't change the way someone feels. I'm just grateful the way things have been going the past few months. I am beginning to feel like so many more possibilities are opening up for me. I think have a wider range of choices has definitely helped my mood and it has given me more hope about the future.
Me at my friend's bar.
By kkaci at 2009-05-31
My older friend had his birthday yesterday and is celebrating at his soon-to-be restaurant today. It is in Dundee which is an area of town that is totally out of my comfort zone. It is maybe 15-20 mins away from my house. I was invited but that may be pushing myself a little too much. I have found myself being more curious about my boundaries lately, just seeing how far I can push myself but even at my furthest point, it'd still be another 10 minutes at least to get to where the party is being held. And sometimes even two minutes is a lot for me still.
I feel like my progress has been going pretty good. I have been having an easier time getting out to places the problem is now once I am there I am worried about what could happen. I feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen and so I don't like to stay long because I want to leave before I get anxious. Yet, if I could just concentrate on the moment at hand and how I felt in that moment, rather than worrying about what could happen, I'd probably be able to stay places a lot longer. I don't know quite how to shift gears and focus my thinking elsewhere.
And lastly, I miss my super delicious friend a little. I haven't seen him for awhile...I almost kind of feel like something is off but I am not sure what. Maybe I am wrong but I read into actions over words...I dunno. I guess whatever happens happens, can't change the way someone feels. I'm just grateful the way things have been going the past few months. I am beginning to feel like so many more possibilities are opening up for me. I think have a wider range of choices has definitely helped my mood and it has given me more hope about the future.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Future planning
Robert made a comment on his blog today about fear making decisions that hits pretty close to home for me as well. Thinking back, I realize that many of my decisions have been made out of fear rather than by me. I know that I want to get to a point where I am making decisions without letting fear rule. I don't want agoraphobia to run my life anymore. I want to go out because I want to go out..not because I feel I have to go out and I want to stay home because I want to stay home...not because I'm worried what will happen if I go out. I just want to be able to make decisions that are my own...not plagued by all the what-ifs. I realize that many decisions have their own what-ifs but I'd like to reduce them by...a lot!
I've done a lot of thinking today for some reason. About what I want for myself and what I need to do to get there. I've realized that I want happiness to be a state of mind not just an emotion for myself. I want to be able to enjoy life as each moment goes by and I'd like to do something positive while I am living this life. I want to be able to accept that life is unpredictable and embrace it. And lastly, I want to fall deeply in love someday. Some of the times I have been at my best was when I was loving someone. I have this innate need to take care of someone and with things being so limited, I haven't been able to do that since dating has been out of the question. I do look forward to the day where I am able to give my best to someone else again. :)
I am currently reading The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron. Well, more like re-reading it. I find it helpful to re-read things because I am constantly forgetting stuff. I ask a lot of the same questions sometimes not because I am not listening but because I forget so easily. Two things that she mentions in this book that have stuck out to me (again) so far is on how to be more open and generate compassion. She says that openness does not come from resisting our fears but getting to know them well. She points out that the usual reaction to discomfort is to reach for something familiar that we associate with relief then wonder why we stay dissatisfied.
Oh, how familiar this sounds. Rather than just riding the wave of an anxiety attack, I do my hardest to find some way to seek comfort and familiarity to make it go away. Of course, it's not really that easy to just ride it out. But I know I need to become confident that it will pass and I will be able to deal with it in order to free myself. I only wish unlearning this behavior was as easy as it was to learn it. So lately I have been kind of examining my feelings and the source and just trying to be compassionate with myself. One of the biggest things that has been helping me lately is to realize that it is just a feeling and that it will pass. It's not always easy to remember this but it does help. When I was at my worst and very depressed, I found myself in such a state of sadness because I thought that I was going to be stuck like that. I was worried I wouldn't more forward. The thought of being stuck in that sad, fearful state...well I found myself at rock bottom with some very negative thoughts. I lost a lot of hope during that time. When I look back at the progress I've made, I am able to see that with time things have improved. So now I am just throwing time at this problem until one day maybe I will find that I no longer need to. The Dalai Lama mentioned in his book that people should not worry about problems too much. Because the problem either has a solution and if that is the case, then rather than worrying about the problem one should focus on the solution. And if the problem has no solution than there is no need to worry because there is nothing one can do about it anyway. Another one of those easier said than done but, it is quite a simple idea.
Back to Pema Chordon, which is also a Buddhism based book, she mentions that another cause of suffering is spawned from expecting that which is always changing should be predicatble. That the natural flow of the universe is not acceptable to the conventional mind. So thus by expecting what is changing to be permanent, we suffer.
Change is difficult, and sometimes it takes a big push to get it done. I often wonder if that is why I fell back into this state...because I needed to make some big changes in my life and I wasn't doing it on my own. So instead I find myself being shoved into change. It wasn't just like a little loving nudge, it was like a wake up call from the universe, from God...from something bigger than I can probably imagine. Well, clearly the universe/God/you get the idea.. is onto something cuz here I am...totally stopped in my tracks to re-examine my life and trying to make these changes like my life depends on it. And well, it does. The more I have been getting out lately, the more I realize how much I want my life back. How much I want to find some purpose bigger than myself. And while I want my life back, I don't want it back the way it used to be, I want it back in a way that is even better. And why shouldn't I dream this is possible. If other people can get past agoraphobia, why can't I? Anyway, this is getting a bit long and now I think I am just rambling thoughts that are in my head.
I've done a lot of thinking today for some reason. About what I want for myself and what I need to do to get there. I've realized that I want happiness to be a state of mind not just an emotion for myself. I want to be able to enjoy life as each moment goes by and I'd like to do something positive while I am living this life. I want to be able to accept that life is unpredictable and embrace it. And lastly, I want to fall deeply in love someday. Some of the times I have been at my best was when I was loving someone. I have this innate need to take care of someone and with things being so limited, I haven't been able to do that since dating has been out of the question. I do look forward to the day where I am able to give my best to someone else again. :)
I am currently reading The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron. Well, more like re-reading it. I find it helpful to re-read things because I am constantly forgetting stuff. I ask a lot of the same questions sometimes not because I am not listening but because I forget so easily. Two things that she mentions in this book that have stuck out to me (again) so far is on how to be more open and generate compassion. She says that openness does not come from resisting our fears but getting to know them well. She points out that the usual reaction to discomfort is to reach for something familiar that we associate with relief then wonder why we stay dissatisfied.
Oh, how familiar this sounds. Rather than just riding the wave of an anxiety attack, I do my hardest to find some way to seek comfort and familiarity to make it go away. Of course, it's not really that easy to just ride it out. But I know I need to become confident that it will pass and I will be able to deal with it in order to free myself. I only wish unlearning this behavior was as easy as it was to learn it. So lately I have been kind of examining my feelings and the source and just trying to be compassionate with myself. One of the biggest things that has been helping me lately is to realize that it is just a feeling and that it will pass. It's not always easy to remember this but it does help. When I was at my worst and very depressed, I found myself in such a state of sadness because I thought that I was going to be stuck like that. I was worried I wouldn't more forward. The thought of being stuck in that sad, fearful state...well I found myself at rock bottom with some very negative thoughts. I lost a lot of hope during that time. When I look back at the progress I've made, I am able to see that with time things have improved. So now I am just throwing time at this problem until one day maybe I will find that I no longer need to. The Dalai Lama mentioned in his book that people should not worry about problems too much. Because the problem either has a solution and if that is the case, then rather than worrying about the problem one should focus on the solution. And if the problem has no solution than there is no need to worry because there is nothing one can do about it anyway. Another one of those easier said than done but, it is quite a simple idea.
Back to Pema Chordon, which is also a Buddhism based book, she mentions that another cause of suffering is spawned from expecting that which is always changing should be predicatble. That the natural flow of the universe is not acceptable to the conventional mind. So thus by expecting what is changing to be permanent, we suffer.
Change is difficult, and sometimes it takes a big push to get it done. I often wonder if that is why I fell back into this state...because I needed to make some big changes in my life and I wasn't doing it on my own. So instead I find myself being shoved into change. It wasn't just like a little loving nudge, it was like a wake up call from the universe, from God...from something bigger than I can probably imagine. Well, clearly the universe/God/you get the idea.. is onto something cuz here I am...totally stopped in my tracks to re-examine my life and trying to make these changes like my life depends on it. And well, it does. The more I have been getting out lately, the more I realize how much I want my life back. How much I want to find some purpose bigger than myself. And while I want my life back, I don't want it back the way it used to be, I want it back in a way that is even better. And why shouldn't I dream this is possible. If other people can get past agoraphobia, why can't I? Anyway, this is getting a bit long and now I think I am just rambling thoughts that are in my head.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Yay!
Well today was the day! My goal for this week as I previously mentioned was to make it to the restaurant by my house to see my friend for his annual poker/bike run. He has done this every year for his birthday for...well I have no idea how long but he is in his 60's now. It's a pretty big event as far as I know, at least for bikers. I had some anxiety throughout the day and like a couple of weeks ago when I went out to Elite, I was feeling quite nervous by the time I needed to go. My friend had told me that the run ended at 4ish and that he would be there after he stopped at home and picked up his car. I was too nervous at first and had a hard time making it out of my neighborhood so I headed home and calmed down a bit and tried again. It took me at least 5 tries to get myself there. The second time when I drove past the place, it was so BUSY! I mean, like biker overload. They had roped off part of the parking lot for his birthday so that he could bring in a band and people could hang outside and there were tons of people everywhere...and bikes! Every time I convinced myself I could do it, I'd change my mind by the time I got to the parking lot and would leave again.
I think I finally just got to the point where I was thinking to myself....I know I can do this...why not at least prove it to myself rather than wonder later whether or not I could. And I really wanted to see my friend. The last time I was able to hang out with him was at his Christmas party two Decembers ago. I was able to make it in long enough to hug him and say hello and chat very briefly then I left. Another 5 minute thing lol. I was SO happy that I was at least able to do that. I am excited for days when I will actually be able to hang out for longer periods of time and feel more at ease. He is a part of the older crowd that I used to hang out with and I do miss being able to chat with him. He has lead and still leads a rather interesting life and I've always enjoyed hearing his stories about what he has been up too. In the past year, he graduated from a culinary school in California which I think is pretty amazing to do at 60ish! I think it just shows that people are capable of many things if they just put their mind to it. Makes me wonder what I am capable of if I can focus my mind better...
I think I finally just got to the point where I was thinking to myself....I know I can do this...why not at least prove it to myself rather than wonder later whether or not I could. And I really wanted to see my friend. The last time I was able to hang out with him was at his Christmas party two Decembers ago. I was able to make it in long enough to hug him and say hello and chat very briefly then I left. Another 5 minute thing lol. I was SO happy that I was at least able to do that. I am excited for days when I will actually be able to hang out for longer periods of time and feel more at ease. He is a part of the older crowd that I used to hang out with and I do miss being able to chat with him. He has lead and still leads a rather interesting life and I've always enjoyed hearing his stories about what he has been up too. In the past year, he graduated from a culinary school in California which I think is pretty amazing to do at 60ish! I think it just shows that people are capable of many things if they just put their mind to it. Makes me wonder what I am capable of if I can focus my mind better...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Furthest point yet!
Back when I used to get out more, one of my spots to go to during the summer was a car show. If you couldn't already tell, I am kinda sorta into cars maybe just a little. :) When the weather starts getting nice, one of the bars in town hosts a car show every Wed night till the weather gets colder again. It usually goes on from May-ish till Sept-ish. I used to go pretty much every Wed. I've got a lot of friends who are into cars, that's how I met a lot of them. It was something I could go to by myself and I'd usually find someone there I knew to hang out with. Well, last year I didn't go at all. And previously, I had gone for about 3 or 4 summers straight. I was rather disappointed that I wasn't up to going last year. Now that the weather is nice, it has officially started up again. One of my goals for this summer was to attend at least once. I've tried a couple of times these past few weeks with no luck....until last Wed! This was really quite a nice surpise for me because I didn't think I'd have it in me to get there till later in the summer. It's about ten minutes away from my house but it seems very far to me. This is a huge accomplishment for me because it is probably the furthest I've been in the past...several months at least.
It did take me two tries and I only stayed for ten minutes but I was super happy with myself that I made it there. I just kept trying to reassure myself that I wasn't that far from my house and that I could leave when I wanted and call someone if I needed help calming down. This gives me more hope just because I didn't think that I'd make it there till later this summer so if I am able to do this now...who knows where I will be at later in the summer. Of course just because I made it there once doesn't mean I'll be able to make it there again all the time but it certainly makes it a bit easier for the next time I try. I am totally excited to see what this summer has in store for me. Summer is my favorite season and I am ready to fall in love with it again...bugs and all! Last summer, because things weren't doing so well, I didn't have a good summer. Last summer was really when I started to get really depressed and in a bad place. But I am optimistic about this summer.
By kkaci at 2008-03-24
My goal for this week is pretty much to be able to make it to my friends poker/bike run tomorrow. Every year for his birthday he does this huge bike/poker run at some of the bars and restaurants in town. It ends at a restaurant down the street from my house so I decided I would try to go. I know it will be very busy but I have not seen him in a year and a half almost. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awhile and catch up, he always has such interesting things going on in his life and I'd like to catch up with him but crowds are still rough for me. But no matter, I am at least going to try!
It did take me two tries and I only stayed for ten minutes but I was super happy with myself that I made it there. I just kept trying to reassure myself that I wasn't that far from my house and that I could leave when I wanted and call someone if I needed help calming down. This gives me more hope just because I didn't think that I'd make it there till later this summer so if I am able to do this now...who knows where I will be at later in the summer. Of course just because I made it there once doesn't mean I'll be able to make it there again all the time but it certainly makes it a bit easier for the next time I try. I am totally excited to see what this summer has in store for me. Summer is my favorite season and I am ready to fall in love with it again...bugs and all! Last summer, because things weren't doing so well, I didn't have a good summer. Last summer was really when I started to get really depressed and in a bad place. But I am optimistic about this summer.
By kkaci at 2008-03-24
My goal for this week is pretty much to be able to make it to my friends poker/bike run tomorrow. Every year for his birthday he does this huge bike/poker run at some of the bars and restaurants in town. It ends at a restaurant down the street from my house so I decided I would try to go. I know it will be very busy but I have not seen him in a year and a half almost. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awhile and catch up, he always has such interesting things going on in his life and I'd like to catch up with him but crowds are still rough for me. But no matter, I am at least going to try!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Summer is around the corner...
So these past few days have been rather interesting. The weather has been absolutely wonderful and I am totally ready to fall in love with summer. I did get out a little bit this weekend but not for long periods of time. Saturday I went to a car show. It was across from my old job at Transonic. Ahh memories. Anyway, I stayed about 10 minutes, enough to say hi to my friend and get some photos taken. It was just so loud and busy. Later that evening, I stopped back by Dave and Busters. A friend texted me he was there. He also used to have anxiety and has been quite supportive when things were bad. It was packed there and I had to try twice to get there. The first time the parking lot was so full and I couldn't find a space close enough and that kind of put me off. I eventually made it in but it was busy and after about 15 minutes I headed back out. I did try to get out to my friends bar but it's slightly out of my comfort zone and when I got to the lot there it was just so busy that I just went back home. I relaxed with one of my favorite movies, Meet Joe Black. I like how the character Bill, expresses his opinions about love.
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
Sunday I headed to another car show, but again I only stayed about ten minutes. It was at a nearby restaurant. I am going to try to make it there again this Monday because my friend has his birthday bike/poker run end there and I'd really like to see him as I haven't seen him in about a year and a half now. I am a little bummed out that the time out is short because I have really been enjoying seeing more friends but I am definitely glad and grateful that I have been at least getting out and trying. I was able to make it to tonight's class on meditation for an hour so that's a plus, I really wanted to attend this class.
Hanging out at the car show
By kkaci at 2009-05-17
I was given an opportunity to move out of my house this weekend. My grandmother has been recently moved to a assisted living facility because sadly she is unable to take care of herself any longer. Her house is going to be empty till my family decides to sell it, which will not happen till next year. I was told I could live there until they sold it. The big problem is that the area of town she lives in is not where I want to live at all and it is far from everything that I have been familiarized with around here. I'd be able to have company over again, but I'd be far away from everything that I am comfortable around, including some of the places that I have been trying to go to lately. I'm still mulling it over...
A friend has found her way back into my life. Back in December, I had some issues with a very close friend of mine. I felt that she had betrayed me amongst other things but that was it for me and we stopped talking because she did not come forth and apologize. In fact, she had told a mutual friend that I had no reason to be upset. She finally decided to contact me the other day explaining her side of things and say that she did miss the friendship. I told her how I felt and that I wasn't looking for an explanation, I was looking for her to take responsibility for her actions and apologize. She did, which for her is a pretty big step for her. Anyway, we are mending things but I am a little hesitant. I was able to tell her everything that was wrong with our friendship and what needed to be fixed but she tends to be negative and always has some sort of drama going on and I've been really thinking about who I want in my life and I want the people I am surrounded by to be positive people and I just do not have room for that kind of drama. I don't like to hold grudges at all and she did make the effort to apologize so I guess I will just have to let whatever happens happen and be more verbal about any issues.
Lastly, while I have been enjoying spending time with my super delicious friend, I have to admit it has been difficult to keep my feelings at bay. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the situation the way it is. I'm not ready for anything more serious but I think I am afraid to just let go and trust him completely. And it's not really his fault either, it has to do more with past experiences. I have been cheated on by an ex and lied to about other girls more than once. I am a pretty trusting person when it comes down to it and I know that I shouldn't put my distrust onto someone new. When I went out to see him DJ the other week, there was a situation with another girl there and well, I don't want to end up like her. And she was a mess, crying in the bathroom because she saw something between them that wasn't really there. I would know this because I ended up being the one trying to comfort her having NO idea at first it had to do with him...and me. It was...to say the least quite awkward because I am sure that I was the last person she wanted sitting next to her trying to comfort her. I've was able to talk to him about it right away (I'm pretty grateful that communication between us has been easy, at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him) and I do believe what he had to say about the situation but I guess I just find myself having moments where doubt takes over because of the different past experiences. I just want to enjoy things between us for what it is and just have fun with it rather than worry about what could happen because really, I totally enjoy having an affectionate friendship with him. I kind of feel like it's been good thing for me so far because I am getting out a bit more and well, he's definitely helped me feel attractive again and I am a huge fan of the affection...plus I do like him, I enjoy just hanging out and talking. So how does one let go of past experiences and embrace new ones? Suggestions? I think I am just going to take things as it comes at me and deal with it as it happens. Anyway, that's all and I hope that you all have been doing well :)
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
Sunday I headed to another car show, but again I only stayed about ten minutes. It was at a nearby restaurant. I am going to try to make it there again this Monday because my friend has his birthday bike/poker run end there and I'd really like to see him as I haven't seen him in about a year and a half now. I am a little bummed out that the time out is short because I have really been enjoying seeing more friends but I am definitely glad and grateful that I have been at least getting out and trying. I was able to make it to tonight's class on meditation for an hour so that's a plus, I really wanted to attend this class.
Hanging out at the car show
By kkaci at 2009-05-17
I was given an opportunity to move out of my house this weekend. My grandmother has been recently moved to a assisted living facility because sadly she is unable to take care of herself any longer. Her house is going to be empty till my family decides to sell it, which will not happen till next year. I was told I could live there until they sold it. The big problem is that the area of town she lives in is not where I want to live at all and it is far from everything that I have been familiarized with around here. I'd be able to have company over again, but I'd be far away from everything that I am comfortable around, including some of the places that I have been trying to go to lately. I'm still mulling it over...
A friend has found her way back into my life. Back in December, I had some issues with a very close friend of mine. I felt that she had betrayed me amongst other things but that was it for me and we stopped talking because she did not come forth and apologize. In fact, she had told a mutual friend that I had no reason to be upset. She finally decided to contact me the other day explaining her side of things and say that she did miss the friendship. I told her how I felt and that I wasn't looking for an explanation, I was looking for her to take responsibility for her actions and apologize. She did, which for her is a pretty big step for her. Anyway, we are mending things but I am a little hesitant. I was able to tell her everything that was wrong with our friendship and what needed to be fixed but she tends to be negative and always has some sort of drama going on and I've been really thinking about who I want in my life and I want the people I am surrounded by to be positive people and I just do not have room for that kind of drama. I don't like to hold grudges at all and she did make the effort to apologize so I guess I will just have to let whatever happens happen and be more verbal about any issues.
Lastly, while I have been enjoying spending time with my super delicious friend, I have to admit it has been difficult to keep my feelings at bay. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the situation the way it is. I'm not ready for anything more serious but I think I am afraid to just let go and trust him completely. And it's not really his fault either, it has to do more with past experiences. I have been cheated on by an ex and lied to about other girls more than once. I am a pretty trusting person when it comes down to it and I know that I shouldn't put my distrust onto someone new. When I went out to see him DJ the other week, there was a situation with another girl there and well, I don't want to end up like her. And she was a mess, crying in the bathroom because she saw something between them that wasn't really there. I would know this because I ended up being the one trying to comfort her having NO idea at first it had to do with him...and me. It was...to say the least quite awkward because I am sure that I was the last person she wanted sitting next to her trying to comfort her. I've was able to talk to him about it right away (I'm pretty grateful that communication between us has been easy, at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him) and I do believe what he had to say about the situation but I guess I just find myself having moments where doubt takes over because of the different past experiences. I just want to enjoy things between us for what it is and just have fun with it rather than worry about what could happen because really, I totally enjoy having an affectionate friendship with him. I kind of feel like it's been good thing for me so far because I am getting out a bit more and well, he's definitely helped me feel attractive again and I am a huge fan of the affection...plus I do like him, I enjoy just hanging out and talking. So how does one let go of past experiences and embrace new ones? Suggestions? I think I am just going to take things as it comes at me and deal with it as it happens. Anyway, that's all and I hope that you all have been doing well :)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Moving along.
I notice as my confidence grows that I am more willing to do things that I was unsure about before. Yesterday was my super delicious friend's birthday. I really wanted to celebrate with him so I suggested we go to Dave and Busters and play some games and then do some swimming. Previously, I wouldn't have suggested this since I don't like to make plans because I am afraid I will cancel last minute or get anxious and want to leave. But I kinda thought that it would be nice to be able to do things with him that didn't involve sitting in front of my house. I'm very grateful that he is willing to come hang out with me here just sitting outside but there is only so much that we can do and I want to have more...memorable moments together. I figured that if I get anxious he would probably be willing to help calm me down or even be okay with leaving and trying again when I calmed down. The times I have been a little anxious around him, he's been really good about it so I think that helps things a lot.
It wasn't too busy at Dave and Busters which made things easier on me and I was really happy we were able to do something a little different. I have a gym membership at a place very near my house so we headed to the gym after that and did a little swimming and had some good conversation. I had a very enjoyable evening and I was pretty comfortable most of the night. I am a very affectionate person and I think I have met my match affection-wise! In most cases, in the past, I have always been the more affectionate one and at times that was very hard for me so it's been quite nice to have someone who returns the affection. :)
I was listening to Dave Matthews the other day (who'd have thought right?!) and I was listening to his song Pig. Here are some of the lyrics
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it
Don't burn the day away
This part stuck out to me. I notice that my depression has really kind of taken a back seat but I still have moments. I've been trying not to get so sucked into those moments. Instead, I have been trying to focus on the fact that things come and go and the feeling will fade again. I've been trying to just enjoy where I am at the moment. Of course that is easier for me to say now that I am getting out more, but I think seeing where I am at from where I used to be...I should enjoy just being able to get out where I am able to get out. I am more aware lately though that moving out needs to be a big goal in the long run. The more I am able to get out and be around people, the more I realize how much it means to me and how it ties into me being happy. Also, having to say goodbye to my super delicious friend at the end of the night rather than being able to wake up next to him is becoming more difficult.
By kkaci at 2009-04-25
I have yet to make it to his house, it is waaaaaay out of my comfort zone sadly. It's going to take a lot of work to get to that point. Even when I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago, the area of town he lives in was something that was harder for me to get to. Anyway, I just miss having my own space, to be free to do what I want. I did miss my Hinduism class tonight but the one I really want to go to is next Tuesday on meditation. Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing well! :)
It wasn't too busy at Dave and Busters which made things easier on me and I was really happy we were able to do something a little different. I have a gym membership at a place very near my house so we headed to the gym after that and did a little swimming and had some good conversation. I had a very enjoyable evening and I was pretty comfortable most of the night. I am a very affectionate person and I think I have met my match affection-wise! In most cases, in the past, I have always been the more affectionate one and at times that was very hard for me so it's been quite nice to have someone who returns the affection. :)
I was listening to Dave Matthews the other day (who'd have thought right?!) and I was listening to his song Pig. Here are some of the lyrics
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it
Don't burn the day away
This part stuck out to me. I notice that my depression has really kind of taken a back seat but I still have moments. I've been trying not to get so sucked into those moments. Instead, I have been trying to focus on the fact that things come and go and the feeling will fade again. I've been trying to just enjoy where I am at the moment. Of course that is easier for me to say now that I am getting out more, but I think seeing where I am at from where I used to be...I should enjoy just being able to get out where I am able to get out. I am more aware lately though that moving out needs to be a big goal in the long run. The more I am able to get out and be around people, the more I realize how much it means to me and how it ties into me being happy. Also, having to say goodbye to my super delicious friend at the end of the night rather than being able to wake up next to him is becoming more difficult.
By kkaci at 2009-04-25
I have yet to make it to his house, it is waaaaaay out of my comfort zone sadly. It's going to take a lot of work to get to that point. Even when I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago, the area of town he lives in was something that was harder for me to get to. Anyway, I just miss having my own space, to be free to do what I want. I did miss my Hinduism class tonight but the one I really want to go to is next Tuesday on meditation. Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing well! :)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Reached my goal!
I am very happy to say that I was able to make it out on Friday! The day started out fine, I didn't really get nervous about it until about 6ish. I had been talking to one of my girl friends during the day. She and her husband and some other friends of mine were heading out to a bar nearby my house. I haven't seen them in about a year so I thought I might try to say hi to them too since they were so close.
Now, it's been since last July since I really went out with friends so I decided to do a little shopping. I bought a cute black dress to wear to out to see my super delicious friend. After all, I decided I wanted to make an impression on him! I headed out about 8:30 to see my friends at the first bar. I was totally nervous by then. I didn't even get out of my neighborhood, I was shaking so much. So I drove back home and called a friend. Chatted for a bit and went out to try again. I stopped at Walgreens first to just see how I did going there and then I headed out to see my friends. I was still pretty nervous but I made it out there. Unfortunately, the place was packed and they were all the way at the back of the sports bar. I walked in, hugged all my friends, and walked right back out! I was still kind of shaking and my friends all knew what was up so they were cool with it. Let me pause for a moment and just say that I really appreciate my friends being so understanding. I was totally grateful for it. :) By then, I was a little doubtful I'd be able to make it to Elite. But I headed that way anyway, I have been looking forward to going all week and I'd made up my mind I would try all night if I had to! I made it on the first try and it wasn't really busy which I think helped me a lot.
I ended up staying till close, which was about 3 hours. That was much more than I expected from myself but for some reason I found myself pretty comfortable after awhile. I think it was that I was moving around a lot and some distractions came up that got my mind off of the anxiety. Plus, I find myself feeling very comfortable around my super delicious friend. It was very comforting to have someone there I could just walk over to and hug or hold hands if I got a little anxious. Plus, I must say, it was rather distracting to watch him DJ since I find him utterly irresistable. And it was kind of cool to be up there watching him do whatever...since I had no idea what everything was for. Maybe next time. :) I forgot how much I missed dancing and being out so I was so happy that it worked out.
The rest of the weekend went pretty well. Saturday, I made it to the gym to actually work out and today I made it to the temple and then baked some brownies since my super delicious friend has a birthday tomorrow. :)
Now, it's been since last July since I really went out with friends so I decided to do a little shopping. I bought a cute black dress to wear to out to see my super delicious friend. After all, I decided I wanted to make an impression on him! I headed out about 8:30 to see my friends at the first bar. I was totally nervous by then. I didn't even get out of my neighborhood, I was shaking so much. So I drove back home and called a friend. Chatted for a bit and went out to try again. I stopped at Walgreens first to just see how I did going there and then I headed out to see my friends. I was still pretty nervous but I made it out there. Unfortunately, the place was packed and they were all the way at the back of the sports bar. I walked in, hugged all my friends, and walked right back out! I was still kind of shaking and my friends all knew what was up so they were cool with it. Let me pause for a moment and just say that I really appreciate my friends being so understanding. I was totally grateful for it. :) By then, I was a little doubtful I'd be able to make it to Elite. But I headed that way anyway, I have been looking forward to going all week and I'd made up my mind I would try all night if I had to! I made it on the first try and it wasn't really busy which I think helped me a lot.
I ended up staying till close, which was about 3 hours. That was much more than I expected from myself but for some reason I found myself pretty comfortable after awhile. I think it was that I was moving around a lot and some distractions came up that got my mind off of the anxiety. Plus, I find myself feeling very comfortable around my super delicious friend. It was very comforting to have someone there I could just walk over to and hug or hold hands if I got a little anxious. Plus, I must say, it was rather distracting to watch him DJ since I find him utterly irresistable. And it was kind of cool to be up there watching him do whatever...since I had no idea what everything was for. Maybe next time. :) I forgot how much I missed dancing and being out so I was so happy that it worked out.
The rest of the weekend went pretty well. Saturday, I made it to the gym to actually work out and today I made it to the temple and then baked some brownies since my super delicious friend has a birthday tomorrow. :)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
He's Just not that into You.
So this whole week I have been pushing myself a little more to get out. Plus, I feel quite frustrated around the house because of the family issues that have been going on. Tuesday I was able to make it to the Hinduism class for an hour and I am looking forward to go again. I've been trying to drive a little bit further so I can begin to make my comfort area a bit bigger. I really want to be at the point where I can start to hang out around people again, I've noticed myself getting lonely again lately. So I've been slightly more irritable lately. Anyway, I also made it to a movie on Tuesday! Now, this is kind of a big deal since I really don't like to go to movies at all. They have a theater about 5 minutes away from my house that plays movies when they are not as popular at a really cheap price. They were playing He is Just Not That into You. I figured it'd probably be good practice to see if I could sit there for two hours and also if I needed to walk out, I only wasted 2 bucks. Plus I've read the book and I was quite curious to see the movie. I went by myself, which yes was kind of awkward. I am usually fine with going places by myself but for some reason going to a movie by myself was just plain weird. I didn't want to invite anyone because I didn't want to drag them to a movie to just end up walking out because I wasn't sure how long I'd be okay with it. About an hour into it, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable but I managed to sit through it.
By kkaci at 2009-05-07
By kkaci at 2009-05-07
The movie was pretty cute, it had the happy ending for the most part, you know how it goes. It kind of got me thinking though. The book itself is written by a guy who is putting it out there bluntly about guys and how they feel about girls. The chapters are titled like...He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out, he's just not that into you if he is not calling, he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you, he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you, etc. Some of this stuff seems pretty obvious on but then again I am not a guy, I have no idea how they think. It was definitely interesting to read but I'm curious...how does a guy show you that he is into you? I'm always curious about the guys perspective about things, I've recently had some conversations on romance from a guys point of view which is always nice to know! So...guys...care to share? :)
By kkaci at 2009-05-07
By kkaci at 2009-05-07
Anyway, I was stoked to be able to have done all of that this week. Today, I am feeling a little bit more anxious. I think it comes back to that idea of the rug being pulled out from under me. I am trying not to focus on it too much and hopefully this feeling passes because I keep picturing myself being able to go out and do things with people and move out in the future actually being a possibility sooner than I may have thought. Plus, I am really hoping that I can make it out tomorrow night for more than 5 minutes!
Monday, May 4, 2009
On connecting with others
When it comes to people, I tend to be able to open up pretty easily. I am an open book for the most part. Sometimes it takes me awhile to be open about the agoraphobia but for the most part, lately at least, I've found that when I talk to people about it they are pretty understanding. However, when it comes down to actually being anxious around people, even people I know and am friends with, things are a little different. Irrational thinking takes over and I tend to believe that if someone actually sees me panic, it'll be embarrassing and horrible. I'll lose my friends, people will think I'm a total nut case or stuck up, or a bad person...something along those lines. I feel like I will automatically be judged in a negative view. I've been thinking about this and having some discussions with friends about it lately. I am beginning to think that I need to give people more credit, especially my friends in this situation. Why would I even think I'd lose my friends over something like this when they are already aware of it anyway? Well, I suppose in the past I have had some rather questionable friends and there was a lot of gossip behind my back about it but those people really aren't in my life anymore.
I realize that many people with anxiety go through the worst case scenarios in their head and this is one of mine but really, this thinking needs to die. I need to begin to believe that my friends would support me through any sort of anxiety I'd go through. I think this might help me be more comfortable getting out to places, believing that there are people around me who would totally be okay with things and for those who don't know me, are probably too wrapped up in their own lives to notice me having a moment.
One of the books I've read that I love is The Art of Happiness. I think I have mentioned this before. In one of the chapters, the Dalai Lama talks about compassion and how he feels an immediate connection with others. He explains that by being compassionate it is easier to communicate with others because it creates this sort of openness. There is less reason to feel fearful, to hide things. When he meets someone he approaches that person from the viewpoint of all the things they have in common.
"We each have a physical structure, a mind, and emotions. We are all born the same way, and we all die. All of us want happiness and do not want to suffer. Looking at others from this standpoint rather than emphasizing secondary differences such as the fact I am Tibetan, or a different color, or cultural background, allows me to have the feeling that I am meeting someone just the same as me."
By kkaci at 2009-05-04
I read this book the last time I had a down phase about three years ago. This book helped me see things differently but mostly about compassion and suffering. Everybody suffers. It helped me stop feeling like a victim. Now, don't get me wrong, on my worst days I still fall into feeling a little woe is me but overall I feel like everyone has their own problems and if other people can get past their problems there should be no reason why I can't get past mine too. But back to compassion...I am re-reading this book again and this part stuck out to me. I think that maybe if I try to keep this in mind when I am out with people maybe I will feel more comfortable about having a little anxiety around them. Rather than automatically assuming people are going to negatively react to me, I should try to be more compassionate about the situation. I realize that I have some amazingly kind friends. Why would I even think they wouldn't show that sort of kindness in any sort of situation? I am sure my little negative voice will speak up and try to be irrational with me but I think I am going to make a little more effort in trusting others seeing me at my worst.
I made it to the temple again yesterday. I have been enjoying my talks with the spiritual teacher. He starts his Hinduism class tomorrow and I think I may try to attend those. It'd be good practice for me to get out and I think that some of the stuff he is teaching will be valuable to learn. I know that there is an entire class on meditation and the benefits. The meeting with the photographer has been put on hold, but luckily he seems to be pretty understanding about the whole thing. Hopefully soon though! My big goal for this week is to make it to Elite again and actually stay for awhile. I am super excited about going so I really hope that I make it.
I realize that many people with anxiety go through the worst case scenarios in their head and this is one of mine but really, this thinking needs to die. I need to begin to believe that my friends would support me through any sort of anxiety I'd go through. I think this might help me be more comfortable getting out to places, believing that there are people around me who would totally be okay with things and for those who don't know me, are probably too wrapped up in their own lives to notice me having a moment.
One of the books I've read that I love is The Art of Happiness. I think I have mentioned this before. In one of the chapters, the Dalai Lama talks about compassion and how he feels an immediate connection with others. He explains that by being compassionate it is easier to communicate with others because it creates this sort of openness. There is less reason to feel fearful, to hide things. When he meets someone he approaches that person from the viewpoint of all the things they have in common.
"We each have a physical structure, a mind, and emotions. We are all born the same way, and we all die. All of us want happiness and do not want to suffer. Looking at others from this standpoint rather than emphasizing secondary differences such as the fact I am Tibetan, or a different color, or cultural background, allows me to have the feeling that I am meeting someone just the same as me."
By kkaci at 2009-05-04
I read this book the last time I had a down phase about three years ago. This book helped me see things differently but mostly about compassion and suffering. Everybody suffers. It helped me stop feeling like a victim. Now, don't get me wrong, on my worst days I still fall into feeling a little woe is me but overall I feel like everyone has their own problems and if other people can get past their problems there should be no reason why I can't get past mine too. But back to compassion...I am re-reading this book again and this part stuck out to me. I think that maybe if I try to keep this in mind when I am out with people maybe I will feel more comfortable about having a little anxiety around them. Rather than automatically assuming people are going to negatively react to me, I should try to be more compassionate about the situation. I realize that I have some amazingly kind friends. Why would I even think they wouldn't show that sort of kindness in any sort of situation? I am sure my little negative voice will speak up and try to be irrational with me but I think I am going to make a little more effort in trusting others seeing me at my worst.
I made it to the temple again yesterday. I have been enjoying my talks with the spiritual teacher. He starts his Hinduism class tomorrow and I think I may try to attend those. It'd be good practice for me to get out and I think that some of the stuff he is teaching will be valuable to learn. I know that there is an entire class on meditation and the benefits. The meeting with the photographer has been put on hold, but luckily he seems to be pretty understanding about the whole thing. Hopefully soon though! My big goal for this week is to make it to Elite again and actually stay for awhile. I am super excited about going so I really hope that I make it.
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