One step at a time.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about where I'd like my life to go. I never tend to make long term goals because I never know where I will be with the agoraphobia. Robert's latest blog "Agoraphobia Works (for some)"also got me thinking. I've never really ever considered myself someone with a chemical imbalance. Sure, it is a possibility and I'm not in some sort of denial but I tend to think I've classically conditioned myself to be agoraphobic. I think I've learned to be like this. Maybe it is my body's way to make sure I will "survive"...afterall fight or flight ensured survival of the fittest.

I remember that I started to have panic attacks as an 8 year old. To me, that is a pretty young age to be stressed to that point but alas it happened. I was too young to really understand what was going on and I let it slide for so long because I just thought I was crazy that I didn't actually see anyone until I was 16. That is a long time to let those actions set in. But by the time I was actually evaluated and told what I had was agoraphobia, it was plenty of time for my brain to associate fear with certain places and things to the point where it was a knee jerk reaction to protect myself I guess.

In the past, I've always thought that I would have anxiety/agoraphobia to some point...but I hate to believe that. When we live in a world where we are told anything is possible...why not dream of a day where I am totally free of it? I've read plenty of stories of people going on to lead "normal" lives after suffering from agoraphobia. Yet, I've never believed this could be me. But lately, I wonder..why not? How am I so different from others who have dealt with it. What could they possess that I do not? I've been reading a lot of books on positive thinking and such. The more I think about it, the more curious I tend to be on living free of agoraphobia. Anxiety is something that everyone has but maybe I can learn to handle situations better and believe in myself more. A lot of the agoraphobia for me, I feel is on how I think. But it is very hard to change a belief that I have allowed myself to see as true for so many years.

So here I am, and I think that I am doing pretty well in my progress is getting back out there yet I am afraid to move further. So what is stopping me? I read a story tonight in one of my books that illustrates it pretty well.

A Reverand was once trying to make a point during his sermon. He called up a few children and handed them all a one dollar bill. He then showed them a ten dollar bill and told them "you may have this, but you must let go of what you already have." None of those children were willing to let go of the one dollar bill even though they knew the ten dollar bill was much better.

I know very well that my life could be so much better yet I can't seem to "let go" of the agoraphobia. As much as it PAINS me, as much sufferning it has caused, I still hold on to it like a some sort of demented security blanket. The only comfort is provides me is that I know how my life is this way. By living less of a life, I am risking losing less. I think the biggest thing that holds me back is that I fear that if totally let go, it might sneak up on me hardcore and stop me in my tracks except this time, I'd have so much more to lose. I also think it keeps me from getting into a serious relationship and being let down when the guy finds out he really can't deal with me.

But I know there is a strong part of me, growing stronger daily, that I really might just be willing to take on those risks. I don't want to live in this somewhat imposed bubble I've allowed my life to be. I'm in uncharted territory though now and I am not sure how to get to where I want to be other than to just keep walking forward one slow small step at a time.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for, more than I ever would have thought before. :)