Late night pondering.

For whatever reasons, I cannot seem to get to sleep tonight. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I have been sleeping quite a bit lately but it is what it is so here I am with a little update for my journal. I feel like things have been moving forward still just very slowly. I think that I have come to a point where the things that I need to do have become quite a bit harder for me to do and so I am more reserved when it comes to doing them. I did make it to a movie last week with a friend which is great because I was really worried I would not be able to sit through it. But I did and I was very glad. My friend is pretty chill about things so that was a huge help knowing I had the freedom to just walk out if need be and I wouldn't upset him.

I kind of feel like my life has gone from 0 to 60 in the past month. Which I suppose for any person not dealing with agoraphobia would be more like going from 0-15 but I think because I am still getting used to actually having things to do I feel rather busy. But not too busy of course because I still find time to take about a two hour nap most days. I feel the need to take a nap daily anymore because I get so tired so easily...probably because I am not used to being so busy. But it's a good thing, I am just grateful to be going out again and having things to do.

More specifically, my time is now taken up with painting, trying to get to the gym, and random social activities along with all of the stuff I do daily...like meditation and positive affirmation stuff I've mentioned before. So it's not really a stressful busy because there is not a ton of responsibility there but it keeps me on my toes.

My main focus lately is to continue to move forward and to focus on what I need to do to be true to myself. For a long time all I ever wanted was to fit in and have everyone like me and to live that way is very hard because it's all over the place. I still fight with this obsession but lately I've opened myself up to looking at things differently. I don't want to live inside the box and to fit in..is to live inside some sort of box that someone else believes is the way. And I've relaxed a little with hoping that everyone will like me because...well that just won't happen. So now, I feel like if I am just true to myself and I live by my own values and what I feel is best for me then everything else will fall into place. How can I go wrong if I just do my best to stick to what I value while keeping an open mind that while it may be the way that works for me it may not be the way that works for others? I realize I may lose some friends along the way but I think that will separate those who are true friends from those who aren't. Which I've kind of learned a lot in this past year dealing with all of the things I have been dealing with. And I'll admit, I have a really hard time losing friends. I hate it. It makes me sad...but what is the alternative? Trying to be everyone's shadow then wondering why I don't know who I am? I don't want that anymore. I wonder often if the agoraphobia has been a way for me to figure out who I am..and as you all know I am sure who read this...it's a hard teacher...but maybe once I learn the lesson, the teacher won't keep reappearing in my life?

Only time will tell I suppose. :)

Update.

So things have gotten better since my last post. It took me a bit to "recover" from that night but I've had a really good week this week. I feel like I am getting back into the swing of things. I almost feel busy but I'm not really busy, I think it's just the change of pace. I went from doing nothing all day to actually having plans....seeing friends and running errands and painting.

Painting has really picked up for me lately. I've mentioned before I've got a few pieces in the Street of Dreams this year and I'm now I am doing two more. The Street of Dreams is in Sept. so it's coming soon! I also have had a few friends ask me to paint something for them so I've been keeping busy with that! Painting is something I've found to really just get into and I love it. I love opening new paints and all the colors and starting on a new canvas. :)

I still feel like I have a lot to do and I'm not really sure exactly what so I sort of feel like I am feeling around in the dark. Something is off in my life and I am not sure what it is. So lately I have been trying to focus on what I'd really like to be doing and what makes me happy and how I feel about things. I'm taking a belly dancing class at my gym and also another dance class called NIA. I feel great after both of them so I have been trying to go when I can. Sometimes it's hard for me, it's an hour long class and I don't wanna run out in the middle of it but I've been pretty open with the instructors about the anxiety and so it really hasn't been a big deal. I really think the NIA class will be good because it focuses on the body and movement and just finding pleasure through dance. I've also been trying to set down a regular gym schedule because I seem to be a little more at ease when I am working out. It's hard for me to do sometimes though because it's usually the first thing I'll skip out on and I've never liked to go to the gym in the first place.

I also have been reading a book called Count Your Blessings. I really like it. It's abouthow positive thinking and finding the good in a situation can help you get through it and attract good things into your life. I haven't read the whole book yet but I definitely like it. I believe in that stuff. I think the sort of energy you put out into the universe will come back to you. And I still do my positive affirmations every day and meditations and I think it does help me.

I was able to talk to my super delicious friend and I found out what the issue was. He basically just told me that he wasn't in any place to be dealing with me and what I need from someone. He actually told me that he thought I acted rather childish when I was anxious and he just didn't understand why, as an adult, I would act like that. Now, I have to admit, some of my behvaior the last time I saw him really was....just lame. I won't lie, I was being really annoying towards the end of the night. However, the anxious times he is referring to...well....really I can't help that. I was just glad he was honest with me and it gave me closure which was way better than wondering what happened. But...still...it really hurt to hear that. If I could help the way I act when I am anxious...well then it wouldn't be a problem would it? I am trying and I am working on things but how I get when I get anxious...it's just how I get. It kind of reinforces my beliefs that I am too much to handle for a guy. I know he is just one person, but my fear doesn't always take stuff like that into consideration. I've always been worried about getting into a relationship that the guy will jsut decide I am too much and he can't deal with me. He and I weren't even in a relationship and it was too much! But it is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it now and I really do think at the beginning he was a huge help in getting me out so I can't really be too upset about the situation.

Lastly, I had another photo shoot while I was hosue sitting for my friend. Here is one of the pics

By kkaci, shot with NIKON D40 at 2009-08-06

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good summer!