Late night pondering.

For whatever reasons, I cannot seem to get to sleep tonight. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I have been sleeping quite a bit lately but it is what it is so here I am with a little update for my journal. I feel like things have been moving forward still just very slowly. I think that I have come to a point where the things that I need to do have become quite a bit harder for me to do and so I am more reserved when it comes to doing them. I did make it to a movie last week with a friend which is great because I was really worried I would not be able to sit through it. But I did and I was very glad. My friend is pretty chill about things so that was a huge help knowing I had the freedom to just walk out if need be and I wouldn't upset him.

I kind of feel like my life has gone from 0 to 60 in the past month. Which I suppose for any person not dealing with agoraphobia would be more like going from 0-15 but I think because I am still getting used to actually having things to do I feel rather busy. But not too busy of course because I still find time to take about a two hour nap most days. I feel the need to take a nap daily anymore because I get so tired so easily...probably because I am not used to being so busy. But it's a good thing, I am just grateful to be going out again and having things to do.

More specifically, my time is now taken up with painting, trying to get to the gym, and random social activities along with all of the stuff I do daily...like meditation and positive affirmation stuff I've mentioned before. So it's not really a stressful busy because there is not a ton of responsibility there but it keeps me on my toes.

My main focus lately is to continue to move forward and to focus on what I need to do to be true to myself. For a long time all I ever wanted was to fit in and have everyone like me and to live that way is very hard because it's all over the place. I still fight with this obsession but lately I've opened myself up to looking at things differently. I don't want to live inside the box and to fit in..is to live inside some sort of box that someone else believes is the way. And I've relaxed a little with hoping that everyone will like me because...well that just won't happen. So now, I feel like if I am just true to myself and I live by my own values and what I feel is best for me then everything else will fall into place. How can I go wrong if I just do my best to stick to what I value while keeping an open mind that while it may be the way that works for me it may not be the way that works for others? I realize I may lose some friends along the way but I think that will separate those who are true friends from those who aren't. Which I've kind of learned a lot in this past year dealing with all of the things I have been dealing with. And I'll admit, I have a really hard time losing friends. I hate it. It makes me sad...but what is the alternative? Trying to be everyone's shadow then wondering why I don't know who I am? I don't want that anymore. I wonder often if the agoraphobia has been a way for me to figure out who I am..and as you all know I am sure who read this...it's a hard teacher...but maybe once I learn the lesson, the teacher won't keep reappearing in my life?

Only time will tell I suppose. :)