Eckhart Tolle

I've read a couple of books from Eckhart Tolle and I found them to be inspiring and helpful. I thought I would share some of his insights. I believe there is a lot of truth to what he is saying here. I think that a big problem I have with agoraphobia and anxiety are my thoughts, the story I tell myself in my head is what makes it so bad. I suppose it could be a chemical imbalance as well but I think the majority of the problem is what I tell myself. I also realize that a lot of my anxiety does happen when I stop focusing on the present moment. It's when I start thinking about things that happened in the past and what could happen in the future when I start to worry and get anxious. I've managed to catch myself when I begin to think this way. It is a start but I know I still have a long way to go. It's hard not falling into old patterns and try to set down a new way of thinking, but I want out of this. I want my life back. Anyway, I thought these were some interesting insights, if anything, that I would share! :)

1. Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.
   
   
2. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, "I am ruined" is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. "I have 50 cents left in my bank account" is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering.
   
   
3. See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind.
   
   
4. Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time—a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago—yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment.
   
   
5. Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.
   
   
6. People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.
   
   
7. The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.
   
   
8. Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.
   
   
9. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.
   
   
10. If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

Merry Christmas to all.

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale




And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. ~Dr. Seuss

I Have a Dream

I came across this song quite recently and I really liked the lyrics. When I get really down, I've been listening to this to remind me that the destination makes this journey worth the while. I am still at the point where it is hard for me to believe I will reach that destination but I am trying to keep the hope high.



I Have A Dream lyrics
By Abba

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

Will the real me please stand up?

Sometimes, I feel like I am two different people. The person I was when the agoraphobia was just in the background of my life and the person I am now, with the agoraphobia as the leading role. Back when I was doing better, I discovered that the things I didn't like before weren't necessarily things I actually didn't like. I always thought I hated to go to restaurants to eat but when I started to get out and experience these things, I realized how much I enjoyed them. It's like the agoraphobia had made decisions for me about myself...about what I liked. Decisions based on fear. I began to do more things and venture out further and I began to make my own decisions. The anxiety was still there, but it was more of a background player. It no longer stopped me from doing certain things. It still stopped me from doing other things, like traveling or riding in the car with people but I was still going out, making new friends, it's like I was really beginning to experience life for the first time. I got a glimpse of who I really was, who I could be.

And now a year later, here I am with agoraphobia leading the way again. It's been a year about now since it's taken the reins again. But now I realize more fully what I am missing out on this time. My spur of the moment grocery runs are now carefully calculated. I feel like my life has been put on hold but the world is still going. I've even begun to develop new fears...lately I don't like to be left alone, which is something that I don't want to fear. I have never had this fear before. I used to enjoy being alone and besides, there is no one who can be with me 24/7. How do I stop this before it's too late? It's like I am slowly losing the person I know I am. Every time I start to make progress, I have a set back and it feels like I have to begin all over again. I'm tired of fighting with myself. I want to be free from fear. I want to be able to make my own choices again.

I like Snoopy

My vision is not exactly the greatest and I have been wearing contacts since high school. Well, they recently changed the laws stating that in order to get contacts, you have to have a yearly eye exam. Well, I just so happen to be on my last set of contacts. And I just lost one last week. So I have one contact. Luckily, I have glasses but I absolutely hate to wear them, they are too loose on my face and constantly fall off. You know in the movies how the nerds are always pushing up their glasses? Well, that's me right now. Plus, on the days that I do try to get out, it's difficult to drive with glasses that slip down. Which brings me to the point of the story. These are the days where I get really frustrated with agoraphobia. I don't even feel that I am able to go in and make an appointment to get an eye exam. But until I do that, they refuse to even give me one contact to get by with. And Pearle Vision is only about 5 minutes from my house. But the thought of having to sit through an exam.....*shudders* I even tried to see if anyone I knew had the same Rx I did, any short term solution until I felt like I could actually go in and get the appointment done with. It also makes me very sad that I don't feel I can do something so seemingly simple. At one point in the past I could, so why not now? Ok, even writing about it is making me depressed again.

So, on the brighter side of things, I really love the holidays. Granted, things will be a little bit different this year since things have gone downhill with the agoraphobia. I won't see as many people as I would like, and I'll definitely miss dressing up to go to the Christmas parties but I will still be able to see most of my family which is my favorite part of Christmas. And the holiday spirit is there. There is just so much hope, belief and love that comes along with Christmas. It just snowed here today and I can see the Christmas lights faintly glowing underneath a thin layer of snow. It's such a peaceful scene. As much as I dislike the cold, it really doesn't feel like Christmas without a little snow. At least to me, since I've grown up in the Midwest. And, I guess a plus about not leaving the house is...well, not having to leave to drive in the snow. I am terrible at driving in the snow. LOL. I am looking forward to baking cookies and listening to Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas in the Aire. My favorite holiday CD. I think that the agoraphobia has defintely made me be able to cherish the smaller things in life. While I don't feel I can do everything I'd like to do, I can still do things I enjoy to do and keep hoping for the day when I can do the things I'd like to do....or at least get contacts to begin with. :)

Still going.

"I am only one, but I am still one; I cannot do everything; but I can still do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something I can do" Edward Everett Hale

Lately, I have been feeling very frustrated. It was only a couple of weeks ago when I was getting out everyday, even if it was just around my block and beginning to feel like things were going in a good direction. But then I had a bad week and it has made me feel like all my progress is gone and I have to start over again. This has happened a few times. Two steps back for every one step forward is what I feel like I am doing. I get so frustrated in my set backs that I don't immediately pick myself up and keep going. I think my perception of things is where I am running into problems. Of course with any progress there will be set backs. I just let it bother me more than I should. It is hard to catch myself though and realize what that is what I am doing. I also realize that I am focused too much on how I want things to be. I look so much at the big goals I want that I don't pay attention to the smaller goals that I have succeeded in. Rather than congratulating myself for getting out, I think about that I am not getting out far enough. Even though I feel like my choices have been quite limited I do still have choices I can make. So, I am still hopeful and I will still try. Hopefully, the frustration will pass and I will be able to remember to be a bit nicer to myself in the process.

30 Things About Me.

I was reading another woman's blog and she had done "100 things about me." I thought it was really interesting to read and I figured I'd add some personality to my blog. :) I'm gonna cheat a little and just do 30. So here goes!

1. I absolutely love Dave Matthews. His music makes my soul happy. ( I am listening to him now in fact)
2. I love watching it snow but I cannot stand the cold.
3. I want to adopt a polar bear. No, really! Check it out. Wildlifeadoption.org.
4. I drive a stick shift and can change my own oil.
5. I love love. I find it the most amazing thing ever.
6. Blue Planet is the most interesting show ever. Love it.
7. The idea of swimming with sharks is kind of thrilling and I want to do it.
8. I embrace being different. I think it makes me stand out.
9. I love nature.
10. I feel that agoraphobia has made me into a really compassionate understanding person.
11. Even though I am kind of shy I am pretty social. I like to build strong relationships with people. Seeing my friends is one of the things I miss the most.
12. I am trying to be more environmentally aware.
13. If I don't have my nails painted, it bugs me.
14. I love to be barefoot.
15. Next to being barefoot, I love to wear heels.
16. Someday, I really hope to have a salt-water fish tank.
17. I wear a ring that has the word love carved into it to remind myself to love myself. Something that at times I find very difficult dealing with agoraphobia.
18. I love dark haired guys. Especially if they have green eyes.
19. Speaking of dark haired guys, I love Adrian Grenier. Vince from Entourage if anyone else is into that show.
20. Bitterness is not something I like. I forgive easily.
21. I love warm nights in the summer and laying outside looking at the stars.
22. Before my comfort zone was limited, one of my favorite ways to de-stress was to take a drive and listen to music.
23. I like to paint even if I am not very good.
24. Wearing lipstick annoys me.
25. Chinese food is my absolute favorite.
26. I want to be involved with things that I am passionate about.
27. I don't like to swim in dark water. i like to be able to see where I am swimming
28. I collect seashells but I've never been to the beach. Friends always bring them back for me.
29. I am adopted.
30. My favorite scent is Curve cologne.

Meds

So I really don't like meds. At all. It's not that I don't think they are helpful in general, but for me personally they haven't done much but upset me more. Yet, everyone I talk to keeps telling me that I need to just find the one that works for me. The idea of going through trial and error with several medications until I find one that has the least upsettting side affects isn't very hopeful to me. But I keep getting told that is what I really should be doing. Like it's my best option. Isn't there another way? I want to be able to change my thinking patterns. I've had anxiety for so long that I think that it's almost a knee-jerk reaction now to think negatively. I really feel that if I could just "re-wire" my thinking habits and have more belief in myself that it would help a lot. I know that eventually in order to really get past this, I am just going to have to face it. There are so many times where I wish I could just find an "easy' button for this and push it but I know life doesn't work like that. I think that if I had some better coping skills and a different train of thought that facing it would be much easier. On the bright side, things this week have been picking up after a raelly tough few days. I got a call back from someone and they may be able to talk to me on the phone. I'm defintely hoping for the best!

Slaying My Dragon

I happen to be a huge fan of Chicken Soup for the Soul books. They give me a lot of hope when I am feeling down. This is one of my favorite stories that I have come across for obvious reasons :) Also, it describes agoraphobia pretty well and a lot better than I can.


"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

"I want to lighten your load, he said as he dug out all the loose change and assorted foul and unidentifiable junk from the bottom of my pocketbook. His eyes lit up, scanning the oodles of quarters and nickels that had taken up residence in the black home of my bag. We can use this at the casino, he said. I let the words echo in my brain. The Casino. Other people would think of it as a nice day trip. But me? This was the sing that dreams come true, that miracles happen, that love can cure anything. Even agoraphobia.

I hadn't left my house in two and a half years. I had an overwhelming panic disorder that made me feel mostly like I was falling out of a plane in the middle of a hurricane with no parachute whenever I walked out my front door. My world shrunk until I couldn't even have friends over, or eat in front of anyone, or any of the social activities that most people take for granted. Prior to that, I was a very social person. I went to college, I was a professional actress, I threw great parties. There was no hint anywhere in my life that I would ever become afraid of the world. But, lo and behold, it happened.

Over the course of a few months, I started having panic attacks whenever I was in a crowd. Bars, restaurants, parties, stores - I avoided them all because whenever I tried, I failed. I would walk into a place, and everything would turn into a bad movie. Sounds would be amplified, people would be out of focus, the ground would move beneath me, my heart would beat so loudly that I was sure it was audible to everyone around me, and I'd feel drugged like I'd just been overdosed on cold medicine. I thought, surely, there had to be a medical reason for this. Maybe it was low blood sugar, or a heart malfunction, or brain seizures.

I had to move back in with my parents, and along with relinquishing my independence, I also gave up my self-esteem and all of my dreams for a successful life of career and marriage and adventure. If you told me then that I would find my recovery in the form of a blind date, I'd have said you were crazy. But here I am today to tell you that's exactly what happened. Through the years of panic, I gave up on relationships. How could I ever meet anyone if I was trapped in my house? But, as the old cliche goes, you always find what you need when you stop looking.

I had worked for a wedding band, and my ex-boss wanted me to meet the bands new saxophone player, Anthony. I told him to forget it. I wasn't ready to have my heart broken when I found out that no man would be able to deal with dating a woman who couldn't leave her parent's home. He was persistent, thought, and gave Anthony my e-mail address. My screen name was Violetfairy, since I love all things fairy related. His e-mails intrigued me. He sent me poems and song lyrics and riddles, knowing all along about my agoraphobia. I wrote back, even though I'd only seen a photo of the back of his head. I finally gave him my phone number and, after several marathon phone calls, had the bizarre inclination to invite him over one night at midnight. Even though he had to wake up to teach in the morning, he came. Somewhere in the course of that night, we both fell in love. The next day, he brought a beautiful book of fairy prints with descriptions of how to lure them, He watched nervously as I read the page marked Augustine, the Violetfairy, which said she could be lured with lilacs. That's when I noticed he'd pressed a fresh lilac into the page. Just a month later, I found myself in his car, heading out of state for a day trip to a casino. A casino, of all places! Hundreds of people, the sounds of clanking and ringing machines, excitement, tension and I stood right in the midst of it all, enjoying every second. How in the world did this happen? It was a feat that three medications and four psychologists couldn't accomplish. This man had helped me find my life again.

My panic didn't disappear when he showed up. In fact, I still have panic attacks now. But when were out in a crowd now and he notices that I am getting anxious, he'll sing me ridiculous German lullabies, or pull me in close for a slow dance in the middle of the grocery store, or piggyback me outside and sit with me in the car until were both ready to give it another try. He helped me learn that my panic didn't make me worthless, and it didn't make me unattractive, meek, boring, crazy, or any of the other things I had convinced myself I was.

Suddenly, I was me again. I was a funny, exciting, smart, sexy woman who happened to have a panic disorder. I am very proud to say that, despite the fact that we lost a whole lot of money in the casino that day, we walked out feeling like millionaires. And for one day, I forgot to panic. That lilac sure did work. He lured me back into the world, where I've learned everywhere feels like home when you're with a man who leaves construction paper hearts under your pillow and stomps, I love you, Violetfairy, in snowy lawns at sunrise while you're fast asleep.

Jenna Glatzer

Hi

Well, I am definitely a newbie at this so I guess maybe I will just start out with some background info. I am 25 years old and have been dealing with agoraphobia for about 10 years or so on and off. I've had periods where I'm doing really good and it's just in the background of my life and then there are rough times where I just feel like I don't want to leave the house and feel like I am constantly on my toes worrying about anxiety. Which is kind of what I am dealing with at the moment. I've been down for about a year now. It sure has gone by fast to me and it feels like I haven't made the progress I was hoping for. Anyway, lately I just feel stuck. I don't know what to do to get unstuck. I've learned that there is no such thing as a therapist who will talk to you over the phone. Finding ones that do house visits that my insurance covers hasn't been easy either. I've been on a few different meds with no luck. In fact, the last one I went on had side affects to the point where now I am afraid to go back on meds. I often wonder how do other agoraphobics get help?

I've been following a couple of other blogs on here and I thought this would be a good way to connect with other people. I am, under normal circumstances, a pretty social person. I would love to hear back from others! I have great support from my family and friends and I am so grateful for that. I don't really know anyone else who has agoraphobia and I wish that I had people to talk to at times who could understand or have been through this themselves and gotten past it.