Sometimes, I feel like I am two different people. The person I was when the agoraphobia was just in the background of my life and the person I am now, with the agoraphobia as the leading role. Back when I was doing better, I discovered that the things I didn't like before weren't necessarily things I actually didn't like. I always thought I hated to go to restaurants to eat but when I started to get out and experience these things, I realized how much I enjoyed them. It's like the agoraphobia had made decisions for me about myself...about what I liked. Decisions based on fear. I began to do more things and venture out further and I began to make my own decisions. The anxiety was still there, but it was more of a background player. It no longer stopped me from doing certain things. It still stopped me from doing other things, like traveling or riding in the car with people but I was still going out, making new friends, it's like I was really beginning to experience life for the first time. I got a glimpse of who I really was, who I could be.
And now a year later, here I am with agoraphobia leading the way again. It's been a year about now since it's taken the reins again. But now I realize more fully what I am missing out on this time. My spur of the moment grocery runs are now carefully calculated. I feel like my life has been put on hold but the world is still going. I've even begun to develop new fears...lately I don't like to be left alone, which is something that I don't want to fear. I have never had this fear before. I used to enjoy being alone and besides, there is no one who can be with me 24/7. How do I stop this before it's too late? It's like I am slowly losing the person I know I am. Every time I start to make progress, I have a set back and it feels like I have to begin all over again. I'm tired of fighting with myself. I want to be free from fear. I want to be able to make my own choices again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Kaci i feel exactly the same, so i know completley how you feel. I am so different from the person i used to be before i got anixety. Sometimes i cant beleive i was ever 'normal'.
I too feel like life has been put on hold for the past 6 years and everyone else has moved on. Agoraphobia has changed me so much in many different. Sometimes i cant imagine ever changing back again.
"I'm tired of fighting with myself"
I feel like this as well, im fed up with fighting to do simple things, i wish it could just be easy for once and i no longer had to worry about every little thing.
Yes, it get's so tiring always worrying and I know it's irrational things I worry about but I still can't seem to stop!
I can really relate to the feeling of having someone else in the driver's seat. It's important to ask yourself what the real Kaci would do in these situations. Even if you don't choose to act on the answer to that question, you'll know who you are and what you want.
And there's nothing wrong with planning your grocery shopping. It could save you a lot of money ;)
Post a Comment