There are many things that frustrate me beyond belief with the agoraphobia, but I think one of the things that just completely drives me nuts is having a rough time doing the little things.
Tonight, for example, I ordered food to-go and I had to go pick it up. The place is like, 5 minutes from my house, literally down the street and I had anxiety about going. Driving there, feeling the anxiety building, made me really angry. Why...WHY does it have to be such a pain in the ass to do something so SIMPLE for most people? Going to the grocery store, going to my neighbors, running errands, all close to home yet it still has the ability to cause me anxiety. While I am grateful I have days where I can do all this with very little anxiety, it's been more difficult than not lately and it's exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain from my head for awhile, get a break from the guard duty that is constantly going on in my head, like a surveillence camera.
Most of all, it makes me feel incompetent, incapable. Framing the ever defeating question..."what is wrong with me?" On my good days, I can find a way to ignore the question, knowing abnomality, problems, etc are normal but on the bad days it looks over my head, following me everywhere I go. Even writing this, I feel the negativity eminating from my body. I know I am being negative, I feel it and I hate it but it sucks me in when I am this down and out. I know deep down I am usually happy, at least I know happiness outweighs the negativity...like 60/40. But on the bad days it's more like 80/20 negativity in the lead.
Ok, I am done, I just had to get this off my chest. Hopefully positive posts will soon follow.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Damaged goods.
So, things have been fairly dull this winter, but I suppose when one doesn't go out much or really...do much of anything, it's to be expected. I've mainly just been working on my art projects and getting some ready to sell. I am hoping it will help me with an income because at the moment I am living off my savings, which probably won't last long considering with the agoraphobia it's been hard to maintain a steady job. I've finished a couple more pairs of shoes, which makes me really miss being able to go out on the weekends because they are great shoes for such things. I did manage to at least attempt to go out this weekend. I made it to the club but it was at capacity and when I got inside, it was just too crowded for me. But I am glad that I at least made it inside this time.
I'm really frustrated with my ex. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys me chasing him because he chased me when we started and it took me longer to fall in love with him. Everytime I start to go my own way, he does something to pull me back in, then push me away again. It's utterly stupid, but I fall into it easily. Sometimes I wonder if he really realizes how harsh his words are to me. He told me the other day that while he didn't mind dealing with it when we were dating, he no longer had to deal with the agoraphobia anymore. I suppose maybe this might seem like an innocent comment but it really hurt me. Why is it something that somebody has to "deal" with? Like a unpleasant chore or job. Why does it always come back to the anxiety? I realize it's a difficult thing to deal with but if it really wasn't a big deal to him while we were dating, why'd he have to throw it back in my face now? I'm sick of men talking to me like I am damaged goods, like if I didn't have the anxiety, I'd be so much better. Hello, I already feel like this without those comments! Everyone out there who has ever experienced any sort of life is damaged goods. We as humans weren't meant to be perfect. In my darker days, I do worry I won't ever meet a man who will love all of me but on good days I feel like there will be a man out there who will see me, all of me, and love me fully and not talk to me like things would be so much better without my problems. Maybe once I stop talking to myself like it is holding me back, maybe other people wouldn't either. I suppose it is easy to lay the groundwork for guys to talk to me like I am damaged goods, when I myself talk about myself the same way. I don't know how to effectively prepare someone for such things though without talking down on myself. It is very difficult to date me when I get depressed and strongly agoraphobic, maybe I just need to date stronger men. Oh well, that is really the least of my worries this year.
I'm in some weird purgatory between feeling content and feeling sad. On one hand, I have a future of my own to look forward to. One with new possibilities and finding myself and being happy. On the other hand, I still feel a sadness over the loss of a relationship and the loss of the freedom I had worked hard to get a year ago. I am glad to not be dealing with the utter depression I was feeling a few weeks ago, I just hope to move forward, not fall back into it.
I'm really frustrated with my ex. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys me chasing him because he chased me when we started and it took me longer to fall in love with him. Everytime I start to go my own way, he does something to pull me back in, then push me away again. It's utterly stupid, but I fall into it easily. Sometimes I wonder if he really realizes how harsh his words are to me. He told me the other day that while he didn't mind dealing with it when we were dating, he no longer had to deal with the agoraphobia anymore. I suppose maybe this might seem like an innocent comment but it really hurt me. Why is it something that somebody has to "deal" with? Like a unpleasant chore or job. Why does it always come back to the anxiety? I realize it's a difficult thing to deal with but if it really wasn't a big deal to him while we were dating, why'd he have to throw it back in my face now? I'm sick of men talking to me like I am damaged goods, like if I didn't have the anxiety, I'd be so much better. Hello, I already feel like this without those comments! Everyone out there who has ever experienced any sort of life is damaged goods. We as humans weren't meant to be perfect. In my darker days, I do worry I won't ever meet a man who will love all of me but on good days I feel like there will be a man out there who will see me, all of me, and love me fully and not talk to me like things would be so much better without my problems. Maybe once I stop talking to myself like it is holding me back, maybe other people wouldn't either. I suppose it is easy to lay the groundwork for guys to talk to me like I am damaged goods, when I myself talk about myself the same way. I don't know how to effectively prepare someone for such things though without talking down on myself. It is very difficult to date me when I get depressed and strongly agoraphobic, maybe I just need to date stronger men. Oh well, that is really the least of my worries this year.
I'm in some weird purgatory between feeling content and feeling sad. On one hand, I have a future of my own to look forward to. One with new possibilities and finding myself and being happy. On the other hand, I still feel a sadness over the loss of a relationship and the loss of the freedom I had worked hard to get a year ago. I am glad to not be dealing with the utter depression I was feeling a few weeks ago, I just hope to move forward, not fall back into it.
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