Negativity in the lead

There are many things that frustrate me beyond belief with the agoraphobia, but I think one of the things that just completely drives me nuts is having a rough time doing the little things.

Tonight, for example, I ordered food to-go and I had to go pick it up. The place is like, 5 minutes from my house, literally down the street and I had anxiety about going. Driving there, feeling the anxiety building, made me really angry. Why...WHY does it have to be such a pain in the ass to do something so SIMPLE for most people? Going to the grocery store, going to my neighbors, running errands, all close to home yet it still has the ability to cause me anxiety. While I am grateful I have days where I can do all this with very little anxiety, it's been more difficult than not lately and it's exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain from my head for awhile, get a break from the guard duty that is constantly going on in my head, like a surveillence camera.

Most of all, it makes me feel incompetent, incapable. Framing the ever defeating question..."what is wrong with me?" On my good days, I can find a way to ignore the question, knowing abnomality, problems, etc are normal but on the bad days it looks over my head, following me everywhere I go. Even writing this, I feel the negativity eminating from my body. I know I am being negative, I feel it and I hate it but it sucks me in when I am this down and out. I know deep down I am usually happy, at least I know happiness outweighs the negativity...like 60/40. But on the bad days it's more like 80/20 negativity in the lead.

Ok, I am done, I just had to get this off my chest. Hopefully positive posts will soon follow.