One of those days.

I am having one of those days where I just wish that SOMETHING, just ONE thing in my life was figured out. Just one thing that was simple. School, working, being able to get out and see my friends, dating, can't just one of those be easy? I'd just like one thing where I can just say in my mind, for sure "hey, I can do this." Without all the doubt and wondering how to do it while dealing with agoraphobia, or having an escape route. It's not like I am asking for it all to be easy, but just one thing...

How many other agoraphobics are unable to work? How do you pay the bills?

My brain hurts. -_-

A little dose of positivity.

I remember reading a book on happiness a few years ago that was talking about how (at the time, as this was written awhile ago) that most psychologists just focused on treating the symptoms of whatever it was that was afflicting the person. Say if a person was depressed, then the focus was to get the person to a point where the depression was gone. Like if the person was depressed and it could be rated at like...a -3 the point was to get the person back to 0 but not a lot of emphasis was put on maybe bringing the person to a +3. I don't know if this makes sense, the way I am explaining it. The point is that lack of depression does not mean a person is happy. I hope that makes more sense. So just focusing on alieviating the symptoms of depression does not mean the person will just automatically be happy.

So I have been reading a book called The How of Happiness and it talks about how to live a happier life because happiness is more of a mind frame than just an emotion, something that I completely agree with. It has some exercises on how to nurture a more positive frame of mind.

So I've decided to try to take some time each week to go over oh...say...things I appreciate...or things that are positive from a experience that may be negative and focos on what I am doing right. Focusing on what I am doing right is supposed to help people feel more confident which I think I could use a boost of at the moment.

So today I am writing about a few things that I appreciate.

1. I appreciate my friends. I think if I could say for sure that I've done anything right in my life it is befriend some really great people. One of my friends stopped by my house today and it was just really nice to be thought of. Another one of my friends invited me to the Katy Perry concert and even though I had to decline :( mainly because the place is so far away for me and the crowd would make it even worse, I felt very happy to be thought of. My ex from a few years ago ordered Chiplotle for me because he knows I've been down and food cheers me up. I don't think I could ask for more wonderful people.

2. I appreiate the time to work on my art. Being more housebound than I'd like can be seriously frustrating at times but it also gives me time to work on my art, which I really do enjoy.

3. I appreciate music because sometimes it just makes me feel so much better. I have been listening to Adele non-stop lately. Between her amazing voice and lyrics that I can totally relate to, I am in love.

Just keep swimming

I've been realizing lately that I've fallen into one of those ruts where I am so focused on all the things I've been doing wrong, or all the things I am unable to do. No wonder I end up getting depressed. :\

So I've decided to try to be more positive and focus on the things I have been doing right. And I have to admit, I'm doing a lot better than I was 6 months ago. Even if I am not getting out as much as I'd like, just generally, I feel better. I've been able to reassure myself a lot better than I was then too. I've been trying to focus more on gratitude for the things I do have. I think when I get lost in the things I don't have that I want, it puts me in a bad place. It's hard to stay positive when things are difficult and I keep running into brick walls...it's exhausting but I refuse to lose faith, because that is a dark place to be. Fall down 7 times, pick yourself up 8 times. Even if there are times all I want to do is just lay there. Have you ever watched the movie Finding Nemo? There is a part in the movie where they are swimming into dark water and she says "Just Keep Swimming" That's been running through my mind lately as a motto to keep going.

I still meditate. I still only do it for 20 minutes lol. Half the time I feel like I'm not getting it but still I do it. I've been sticking to exercising. Getting a Wii Fit a few months ago has been a really good thing. The days I don't feel like I can get to the gym, I just use the Wii Fit. I've been focused on things with my shoe designs. I've been getting people who order shoes from me every now and then. It's very slow but I hope that things will pick up. It's def been a good thing to have something of my own to focus on even if it does cause stress sometimes!

I have been single for almost a year now. Totally and completely to myself, no dates...nothing. It's taken me almost a year to completely get over my ex to the point where I am intersted in other guys but lately I've been thinking about trying to date again. I am not sure how this will work yet, I still have difficulties going to restaurants and movies but I am hoping that the right guy will come along and understand my situation. I hope that I can remember that regardless of the agoraphobia, I am still worthy of a good relationship. Sometimes I feel like guys are settling for me but everyone has their problems. I know I can treat someone very wonderfully if given the opportunity and this time I want to go into things knowing that I deserve to be treated wonderfully to. I know my circumstances make it difficult and guys have had a hard time in the past but that hasn't stopped really great guys from being in love with me, ones that I saw a future with. I won't ruin it by pushing my insecurities onto him this time. I believe in love and I believe I am meant to find someone who will love me for me and who I will love for who he is. Love will find a way.