Fashion Show

Well the fashion show has come and gone. I can't believe it came so quickly! It was very exciting to be able to be a part of a fashion show but I was sad I wasn't able to actually be there. My friend who is helping me with Head Over Heels represented the shoes for me and said that the turnout was pretty good and that people really liked the shoes! So that was nice, I had so many worries this week. Worries that didn't even make sense. One of them was that my shoes would just fall apart on stage, like a bow or the flowers would fall off even though I know I always secure the designs the best I can. I was worried about putting up my designs to be judged. What if people didn't like them? And I had a lot of anxieties about it in general like just about being so anxious about the show that I would want to ditch last minute and end up letting a lot of people down.

So the anxiety was really up and down this week but I was determined to be in this show, I mean could it be any easier? All I had to do was give the shoes off to my friend and it was all in his hands. But there were times that I wished I hadn't agreed to the show and then there were times I was glad thtat I was doing this. Being a part of this show has given me a feeling of accomplishment. Like even though I don't get out much right now, I was still able to be a part of this and I was able to show off my designs.

I am very grateful that I have people who were happy to help me be a part of this and that the show went well. I'm grateful I found the strength to get through all of this. I know I am very blessed. I guess sometimes I really wonder what I can do that doesn't end up being taken over by anxiety. I'm tired of not having some sense of security of what I can and can't do. I've been feeling really lonely and isolated a lot lately and it is just wearing on me.

*sigh*

I get really frustrated with how simply anxiety can sap me of my confidence. It's like *snap* and I begin to doubt myself again. I've had a couple of good weeks, where I was getting out easier and feeling my confidence grow but these past couple of days I've been having trouble again. I just don't get it sometimes, why can't I do something today that I was fine doing yesterday? Or a week ago? If I've been there once before, why would it be difficult to be there again? I just want to be able to feel free. Like I can make my own decisions without basing them on anxiety. I am so tired of it.

I don't care to be "normal" anymore, but I'd sure as hell like to feel like I am in charge of my own life. I like it to be easy to make a grocery store run. I'd like to stop wondering if I will make it through my entire workout. I'd just like to know I can. I'd like to be able to go out on dates and go out with my friends, I feel so isolated and lonely lately.

*sigh*