Friendly support.

So progress this week has continued to go pretty well. Tuesday, I hung out with my older friend for a little bit at a Sushi restaurant near my house. Wed. I went up to my friends bar, LiT again and managed to stay most of the night! I am very happy to be around people again. I have also been able to maintain a regular gym schedule too. Friday, however, was a rough night for me. I decided to meet some friends up at LiT. I was okay for about a half hour before things got overwhelming and there were just too many people around. So I excused myself and sat outside to try to calm down. It took awhile but eventually I was okay. I wanted to leave but at the same time I didn't want to leave. For the rest of the night, the anxiety was on and off and I had to excuse myself several more times. I ended up sitting in the back of the bar in the kitchen area to settle down. My friend who owns the bar has been very understanding and supportive towards me through the past few months and has tried to do what he can to make me comfortable when I come out. He has been a really wonderful person to me. He just hugged me and tried his best to reassure me and remind me that the feelings would pass and that I could do whatever I needed to do to feel comfortable. And really, I think that was a big help because it was very comforting of him. :) Plus, all I want is for someone to just hug me and tell me things will be okay. Now I just need to find someone who would like to be that person on a regular basis :)

At first, I kind of felt like I was taking steps backwards. I mean, it was just last weekend I had made it all the way downtown and in a very crowded place. But I realize some days I am going to feel more confident than others and that is just the way it is for now. I am glad that I stuck it out though because it helped me see that I could manage to calm myself down even though it was extremely uncomfortable. I think that is what I need to work on now...working on dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and not running away. This is going to be the hard part so I am glad I have some very supportive people in my life. I told my bar friend that I was afraid of falling down again and he reassured me that he would do his best not to let that happen. So onward I go...

I have been meeting new people lately, and I have been very open with people about the agoraphobia and I find that people tend to be a lot more understanding than I would have thought. I actually had this discussion with my super delicious friend at one point, about worrying of what others thought and he has told me a few times now that I have to stop worrying about that so much. People are either going to accept me or they won't and I can't bother worrying about the ones that won't because not everyone is going to like me, plain and simple. Luckily, lately most people I meet do like me and have been very understanding about the anxiety. :)

Anyway, Friday was so much for me, I took it easy on Saturday and did some more painting. I finished a set of paintings for my neighbor for her Street of Dreams house and I am almost finished with music painting part II for my super delicious friend.

Street of Dreams

By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28

Friend's painting. Part I

By kkaci, shot with Megapixel at 2009-06-28

Along with getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable (or at least tolerating it better) I think I also need to work on finding a good balance and realizing what my limits are. I have been pushing myself so much to get out lately because my mentality is that 'things are going good so do as much as you can, while you can!' I don't want to feel like I need to be getting out at every single opportunity. I want to be able to say no...well because I want to not because of the fear but just because I can. I am glad I have been pushing myself because it's shown me I can do it but I don't want to end of overwhelming myself too much. So I am just going with the flow of things and seeing where it takes me. As Dido puts it in her song Northern Skies..."A million adventures, not yet begun." :)