Back in the game...?

A few months ago, I made a comment about how I felt as though I was sitting on the sidelines, watching the game being played without me. That is basically how I felt about my life and the agoraphobia. I felt as though it had just put me on pause. That life was going on all around me but I was just sitting by watching everything happen.

Lately, I have felt as though I have been put back in the game and my life is slowing moving forward once again. Progress this week has gone really well for me. I am actually shocked by it! This past weekend has been very good. I have made it my furthest yet. I went to see my super delicious friend DJ...at a club...downtown. The downtown area has always, always been very difficult for me to deal with. Not only is it almost a half hour drive from my house but there are a lot of one way streets and the parking is just...not agoraphobic friendly. I get totally confused driving around downtown and it's never been a place I feel comfortable going. In fact, I didn't think I would be able to even consider making it a goal for a few more months.

However, for whatever reason, I was feeling curious. I had talked to my super delicious friend and I was in the mood to go out. I also had been chatting with the owner of the downtown club and he told me if I attempted to make it down, he would personally park my car for me or find me a place that was in front. This was a very nice offer because most places downtown you have to find parking and then walk a few blocks to get to where you are going. So I figured I might as well try and see how far I get. This is my big thing lately...I make an attempt and see how far I get. If I make it, great! If I don't, well at least I tried.

Well, I ended up finding myself downtown at the club! I was shocked but very happy! The club that night was rather busy but luckily I was able to spend most of my time in the DJ booth which was elevated and away from the crowd. I think that being able to park close to the club and being away from the crowd helped immensely. I ended up staying a couple of hours and had a very good time.

Me at the club

By kkaci at 2009-06-22

I do still tend to feel a little anxiety at night time. Tonight I was feeling a bit of it and it really made me wish I just had someone I could just call and talk to who could reassure me that everything would be alright and comfort me. I just want that security. I know I need to find it in myself but it would be nice to just know someone else is there in that way also. I have really supportive friends but sometimes I just want that one person (not to be mistaken for "the one") who wants to provide that sort of comfort.

Anyway, I just feel very grateful and blessed to be making the progress that I have been. I hope everyone is doing well. :)