My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. He had been sick for some time now and we all knew it was coming but I don't think anyone can ever really be prepared for when the time comes. His doctor had given him about 4-6 weeks left and he made it about 3 before he was gone. He was the youngest of my mom's siblings and had just gotten married in the past couple of years, the whole situation was just very sad. Due to my inability to travel yet...even shorter distances, I didn't make it to the funeral. It bothers me that the agoraphobia has it's claws in me to that extent still. I feel selfish for not being able to attend even though everyone else was understanding about it.
Me with my uncle when I was young
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
Lately I feel like I have gotten a bit off track. I had forgotten how much actually goes on in life. I mean, my day-to-day used to be sleeping, and finding random things to do around the house and now that I've been getting out, it's been different situations that arise to solve. I feel like in the past month my life has been very dramatic and I have made some decisions that were not the best. However, I think that I am able to take much more away from those situations now. I definitely need to be more careful about the people I trust and let into my life. I thought I had met someone who was really trustworthy, only to find out the opposite. The situation definitely caused much more stress than I have dealt with from someone in a long time. So to get back on track, I've decided to get back to the fundamentals. Taking care of myself. I've been going to the gym regularly, trying to eat better, and get on a better sleep schedule although that one has not really been working!
I still continue to meditate. I try for 20 minutes twice a day. I listen to my hypno cd every morning and I do my positive affirmations every afternoon. It has been awhile since I have been to the temple, the last couple of Sundays I went, the spiritual teacher was not there. I did hear news he is trying to open an ashram here! There is a Buddhist temple here as well that I would erally like to go check out.
There is still a very strong part of me that wants to get involved with something...a way I can give back...get involved with something bigger. I've looked at some volunteering options but nothing I was able to do. I want to get involved with something I feel in my heart and I have yet to discover what that is. So I am still searching for that.
Other than that, I have just been doing what I can to keep getting out. I have noticed I have been more comfortable getting out and doing things. I actually have been able to make plans lately and am less worried about not being able to do it and just kind of see what happens. There is still a part of me that fears the rug being pulled from underneath me but that fear has been fading slowly. It's still there but I try to not focus on that as much as focusing on the support I have and the people who are amazing and will help me no matter what happens. Lastly, I had another photoshoot which I was very excited for. I've been wanting to work with this photographer for quite awhile now, almost over a year and we finally we're able to get together.
Pics from the shoot
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
By kkaci at 2009-10-01
I feel completely grateful to be where I am. Sometimes when I am out, I catch myself realizing where I am and what I am doing in that very moment and how far things have come. I thank God because I realize that regardless of my situation I am very blessed to be where I am. I do not think I would have been able to do it without the help of some amazing people in my life. My friends really helped me pull through providing continuous support. My close friends who always were there to listen and talk to me even at 2 am. My family, for being supportive in their own ways, my bar friend for being incredibly nurturing and providing me with my first set of canvases, and even my super delicious friend. Regardless of how things ended up, I really do feel he was one of the catalysts in getting me out to begin with. Plus, the new friends I've made who have been really accepting of me and have their own issues with anxiety or in life they've shared. I think that when people relate to each other on the level that we all suffer and we all want the same thing...happiness and to be loved, it is so much easier to relate and understand others.
2 comments:
Yes, we all want the same thing - to be needed. That's what you are waiting for. I hope you find it soon.
Your photos are absolutely super. Have I ever told you that Marie used to model? Agoraphobia cut short her career. I think that losing her modelling career is what she hates most about her agoraphobia.
Being very good looking, you are a magnet for men. Best only to go out with those that you know pretty well - those who can see past your looks and want to share all of you. Or perhaps you already know that?
Best wishes.
Thank you Robert.
Yes, I remember reading a comment you made in your blog about her modeling. I was not surprised at all, she really is beautiful. I can relate to how she feels, I really missed it while things were bad.
I am told I am too nice to guys, I guess I give the benefit of the doubt too much and I don't think I want to admit the truth when some aren't the best choices if I already like the guy. Working on it :)
Post a Comment