Under the weather.

I am feeling under the weather lately. I tend to feel more anxious when I am sick...well for many reasons but mainly because I tend to feel more unsure and uncomfortable about things than normal. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my main concern is that my anxiety would actually cause me to be physically sick, like I think that is my fear of the end result of a panic attack. So when I actually get a cold or feel run down, it just makes things worse because it seems more likely.

On top of that, it has been about two years now since I had the attack that lead up to my downfall in the first place. And I can't help but notice some of the same occurrences happening lately that happened that year in this month too. I had gotten a horrible cold that month and I was neglecting to take care of myself and ended up having an attack and after that things slowly went downhill. I have noticed this month I seem to be a bit more on edge and it is because I do fear falling down again and since it's the month it happened two years ago and all the similarities I have been noticing have not really helped my confidence. However, I do realize that just because things happened one way doesn't mean they will happen that way again but it doesn't stop my mind from irrationally wandering to those thoughts. I guess all I can do is continue what I've been doing and hope for the best.

In the meantime, I have trying to take better care of myself and not neglect my well-being. In this month, I've been sick twice now. sometimes I feel like i get sick when things are out of balance and my body is trying to find a way to stabilize but I haven't been over working myself on anything lately. I also wonder if I've gotten sick more often because I am around more people. In the past year I really haven't gotten sick all that much till lately but I was never around a lot of people to get sick in the first place. I suppose I really shouldn't be worried too much about who shot the arrow but more on how to remove it.

Along with all the unpleasantness of being sick, I have also been feeling very lonely. I wish I had someone who cared in that way and who'd take care of me while I was sick. I am blessed that I have friends who care but it's a little different when that one person cares. I still feel like I am not ready to be in a relationship though. I want to be comfortable with sitting with my loneliness and not trying to cover it up with just anyone's affection or a temporary distraction. I feel like lately when I get involved with seeing someone, I end up settling and not being treated so great. I know getting into a relationship isn't going to make me happy if I am not already happy with myself. Anyway...

I've been making a lot of new friends lately which has been nice. I really do love to get to know people, it fascinates me to know about other people. It has also kept me socially busy, which I think is a good thing cuz it keeps me going out and doing stuff. Even when I don't really want to go out when I do I end up having a good time so I think a little push has been good. Other than that, things haven't been too busy otherwise. I think it would be a good time to re-focus things and make sure my goals are still the same and probably make some new ones now that old ones have been accomplished.

That's all, folks.