Hello 2011

So nice to see you! I must admit, while I don't know exactly where this year will take me, I am glad 2010 is behind me. Looking back, it was just a very hard year for me. I lost myself and most of my progress that I was so happy to have gained in the first place. A year ago, I was going further than I ever imagined and I was so grateful to feel like I had my freedom back. I feel like this past year, I've spent most of my time either dealing with relationship drama, break up drama, or being depressed. I feel like I've been put back on the sidelines, watching the game go on without me. Again. *frustrated sigh*

So here I am again and I get to start over, again. And I am alone, again. I am okay with being single, but there are days I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will love and accept me and my limitations. I do hope to get to a place where it's not such an issue someday but you know, there's always that wonder if I will fall back down again, and I want the security that someone else will be able to stand with me if it does happen.

However, I suppose for now, I'd like to find security in myself. I'd like to figure out something that makes me look forward to waking up each day. I don't really have any concrete NY goals. Just to be happy with myself, flaws and all.

Christmas ended up going well. I had awful anticipatory anxiety the night before however and didn't sleep. I still wasn't feeling well either, it just really put a damper on things for awhile but dinner went good, Jai stopped by and picked up the gift I had made for him before we broke up and it ended up being a really nice time.

NYE I stayed in. I was a little sad about it. I've been feeling really isolated lately. I am happier when I can see my friends and go out and I just haven't been able to do that this past month and it's been building up. Not being able to have people over, just makes it even harder. I realize it's for my sister's sake with her anxiety about company but sometimes it just really hurts. I can't even try to have people over when nobody is home. It seems silly that if I get my company out of the house and she won't even realize anyone was there, why I can't see people that way. More often than not, I feel like the odd person out in my family. I know I am loved but...you know, I feel different.

New year, new start...so here I go again.