"Get me out of this cavern, or I'll cave in."
~Owl City Lyrics
Lately, I just feel like everything is caving in on me and I don't have enough strength to stop it all from tumbling down on me and I am being buried underneath it all. I feel like I am living somewhere in between destruction and despair. Half the time I just feel so angry, like every cell in my body wants to explode and the other half I just feel sad. I feel so stressed out about everything with my anxiety, and there is so much in my life I want to change I don't even know where to start. I'm tired of feeling useless and worthless. I'm tired of feeling like my emotions make my decisions. I'm tired of feeling like I can't make mistakes, that I am not allowed to be human. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be the one to repair things when people can't accept me for who I am because they don't like that person, or they don't like the changes in me. I'm tired of feeling like I am supposed to always give 100% to others while putting myself on the back burner. I am tired of living in fear. And I am tired of being the one who has allowed it to be this way for so long.
I feel like that people get to know me and expect me to be the same person they met. To always be that person, so when they see changes in me, they feel as though I am not their friend they have known for however long. Sometimes I feel like people get to know me for the agoraphobic person I can be and then when I have a good spell, they aren't used to it. I'm a person, I'm going to change my entire life and I believe that good friends are the ones who can watch you change and still love you for who you are. It frustrates me that some of my closer friends have become frustrated with me but rather than try to discuss things with me, they don't say anything at all and ignore me or are cold towards me. I'm tired of just allowing it to be this way or fervently chasing after them thinking I did something wrong.
I think this has just been a bad week. Even the little things seem magnified and nothing has gone how I had hoped it would so I find myself extremely disappointed. I hope next week is better.
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2 comments:
Catching up on my blog readings. I like reading your blogs makes me feel less alone with some of my feelings. You words:
And I am tired of being the one who has allowed it to be this way for so long.
-I can totally relate to as I was just thinking lately pretty much the same thing.
One of the books I read that helped me relate to others easier and feel less lonely was The Art of Happiness. The's ideas from the Dalai Lama and it really moved me and helped me feel more connected.
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