Relationships

I miss him everyday.

I wonder when I will wake up and not miss him anymore. When I will be able to look back at what we shared and not feel sad. When I will stop hoping every phone call or text is him. I know it's better that we don't talk so I don't know why I hope for that, sometimes I wonder if I stopped knowing what's good for me. I guess on the bright side I didn't actually cry myself to sleep last night for the first time since we broke up but that may have something to do with being out till almost 5:30 in the morning.

This week has just felt like it's one bad thing after another. Finally getting to see the psychiatrist and then having it be a total let down was probably the worst though. I had been so excited to have the appointment thinking that it would help me on my way to helping myself and it just ended up being a total disappointment. She felt like there was no reason for applying for medicare since I won't be dealing with agoraphobia forever and told me if she was on the medicare board she would turn me down. Well, I don't expect to have it forever either, and from what I understand you are only on it till you can function enough to supply yourself with health care on your own. Being on medicare would help with paying for therapy visits and medicine if I go that route. This would help me out quite a bit as I stop seeing therapists when I can't afford to anymore. Yet, she did tell me she agreed I had agoraphobia to a debilitating extent. Along with some other reasons, I do not think I will be seeing her again. It kind of put me off for a few days but I think maybe I have another route to try.

The week ended at least with a nice night out on Saturday. One of my dj friends was playing out towards my neck of the woods and so I went to see him play and met some new people and caught up with some old friends. I haven't seen him for a few months so it was nice that he let me know he was going to be out west. I ended up going with them to an after hours, something I rarely do but it was very chill. I had my first veggie burger, and I'm hooked. I still love hamburgers of course, but it was pretty good. I got to talk to some friends I haven't talked to for ages and it felt great to see them. We ended up talking till 5:30 in the morning. I fell asleep feeling happy, prob the first time I've fallen asleep happy since the break up.

When I look back at the past year and a half, I realize that I've never really just been alone. There's always been someone around. It just seems like whenever someone walks out, somebody else is ready to walk right in. Since the break up, there have already been a couple guys that want to try dating and I swear, I must give off some sort of signal when I am single because I've been getting hit on frequently when I am out on the weekends. It's a nice feeling yet no part of me is remotely interested in someone new. I know it hasn't been too long since we broke up but for some reason, I don't think that'll change anytime soon. Other than the fact I still can't look at anybody how I look at him, I think it'd be good for me to just be alone. For the first time after being in a relationship, I am afraid of moving on. Maybe I am slightly jaded. Usually I am hopeful that it wasn't meant to be and I will meet someone who is a better match but this time I am afraid of giving someone my heart only to have them throw it back at me. It's been a long time since I really looked at the relationship I have with myself. I look at how I treat myself and how I treat the people I love and I wonder how I could do some of the things I do to myself if I love myself. Which kind of makes me feel like maybe I don't unconditionally love myself. I'd never do or say the things I say to myself to them so why do I say it to myself? I've lost so much of myself in the past few months that I think it is time to figure that out.