There are days where I just feel like I am going to explode. Literally explode. Today has been one of those days. I feel like every little thing is magnified and so I get upset over things that don't even matter. I feel like my thoughts are taking a battering ram to my confidence. Which has already taken a couple of hits and below the belt jabs. I just feel so clumsy, useless and weak lately. I see the road ahead of me and I wonder if I'll ever be able to walk it. All I've been doing is cowering in front of the fork in the road between the easy familiar route and the route I need to take and always choosing the familiar route then wondering why I end up back at the fork in the road again.
When I look at things, I realize I have been dealing with this problem for probably a little over 13 years, maybe more. All of the problems I've been dealing with, they are the same ones I was dealing with when I was 18. I'm almost 28. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do the things I need to do to change???
I'm tired of people telling me all I need to do is change and that when I really want it to happen, it will happen. I want it to happen NOW. I'm tired of being spoken to as if I am overlooking the obvious and I just don't want it enough. I think anyone who has ever dealt with anxiety really wants it bad enough to want to change. Fear is a strong adversary though. I feel like I am in a dark room and the only light is in a small corner of the room so I am huddled by the light too afraid to move because I can't see where I am going or what I am doing. Sometimes I really just don't think I am strong enough to do what needs to be done. When I try to boost myself up or do positive affirmations, there's a voice in the back of my mind that just doesn't believe it. When I will I believe? Will I ever?
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4 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I find not only other people, but myself yelling at me to just get over it. Suck it up and live. But it's not that simple. Anxiety is such a hard thing to understand, even if you suffer from it. It's harder to understand if you don't suffer from it.
To everyone else it seems like the answer, the key to overcoming it, is so simple. It's maddening to not be understood, and it's maddening to be at odds with ones own self. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how horrible it all is. I'm pulling for you.
I feel the same way. I'm not very patient with myself about it, maybe that is where I oughta start. Thanks for the comment, I hope the best for you with yours!
Reading your words brought me back to an earlier time in my life. You write about your feeling so well that it makes it easy to empathize with you. I hope you feel better and find your way out of the anxiety, In the mean time, just accept yourself for who are you and stop being so hard on yourself.
Thank you. Laltely I have been feeling a bit better but it is a struggle. I suppose everyone struggles with it to some degree.
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