My own strength

I have been re-reading some old books that have been helpful in the past as I tend to be quite forgetful and reading jogs my memory or I end up finding new insight. I found a new definition to optimism. It stated that optimism is finding the lesson in life difficult moments and so the moment no longer is something so awful but a lesson to take with you. I like that definition because sometimes I find myself so devastated by the difficult times that I don't see the light that accompanies it. I am constantly focused on all the bad that has come from my anxiety. I focus on loss, on regrets, on what could have been done differently. Especially lately. I've found myself feeling like a horrible person and useless. But is that really the case? If I was useless, would I still be here? Maybe there is some purpose I have yet to fulfill. And maybe I am not such a horrible person. My actions may have been in the wrong but I am only human, I make mistakes and my intentions were what I thought was for the best. I never wanted to find myself in the role of the victim but I think I may have squarely found myself in that spot. I am no victim, I am still here, I am still trying. I think that I may have placed to much in being "rescued." Hoping that someone will come along and understand my situation and he'll ride me off into the sunset and we'll live happily ever after. Like someone else will be the cure, when all along, I may just be my own cure.

My friend said to me that if my mind started this, it can find a solution to end it as well. I think this has some truth to it, I just think that the fear has a very strong hold on me and I don't realize my own potential or my strengths. In a way, my anxiety has kept me quite safe from life's experiences. It has become a crutch, and it has allowed me to avoid too much responsibility. I still want to find somebody who will walk though the good times and the bad and love me unconditionally...through my anxiety and my mistakes and allow me to be human. But in the meantime, I want to take control and help myself. I want to learn to love and accept myself and see the possibilities that everyone but me seems to see. I wish for once that I could look at myself through some of my friend's eyes and maybe I would understand or see the potential there.

I have an appointment next week with a therapist and hope that it will help and hope that I can be open enough to the things that I can use to help. I am hoping that I will be able to get there but it is close and a couple friends have already offered to go with me if I need. The anxiety has been a bit more lately but I think that is because I am also dealing with the stress and sadness of breaking up. Sometimes it takes me awhile to get adjusted to such a change (like most people, anxious or not I imagine), especially when it is something that was important in my life. I felt like I changed so much being with him, like I forgot who I was and became dependent on him in a way that became unhealthy. I had become so angry and unhappy with my own life that I lashed out a lot. Maybe as much as we wanted to be, we just weren't right for each other. But man, did I want to be. I wanted to be the person who would protect his heart and appreciate him and I completely failed...horribly. There is a part of me that wants to do anything I can to change things, to fix everything, and heal the damages. But I can't heal damages that were already there, only he can. And the damages I can heal, well...I think he'd be happier with me letting him go, so I shall.

So I guess rather than look back with a heavy heart and so much regret, I can look back and hold in my heart the strength and goodness of what we had, while we had it. I'd never met anyone who I felt had so much energy that was in tune with mine. The romance thrilled me every time. The way he looked at me when we first started dating, I'll never get that back, but at least I had it at one time and it felt wonderful each time. I know I was blessed. I'm still blessed but I need to pick myself off the ground now. This is the first time I've looked at the future and felt jaded, felt like I want to keep my heart to myself. I've always had hope in love and always knew it'd win out but now fear has crept in. I've got too much already so I refuse to let it stay. I need to get back into a decent eating and sleeping routine, as mine has just become awful. I appreciate my good health and would like to keep it that way.