Here I go again.

It's been a rough month. Actually, when I think about it, it's been a rough year. I feel like everything that I worked towards last year, slowly slid out of my view this year. I don't know what happened, I was rather happy around the start of the year. I feel like I lost myself and everything I had worked so hard to get, slowly slid out of my view again. I feel heartbroken but not only over a relationship but over life itself right now. And I know my biggest hurdle is myself. *sigh*

I wonder if getting into a relationship was the best idea. I still had a lot of things I needed to do for myself. It has always been hard for me to balance being in a relationship and taking care of myself at the same time. Most people end up walking away feeling I am selfish and concrete in my ways. I wish that these guys would listen to me when I tell them what to expect. I guess words are much different than actually having to experience it. I am an affectionate person by nature though and it's difficult for me to ignore my desires for a relationship. I love having someone in my life, it's like I am able to get out of my head in a way. I have someone else to focus on. I just hope that one of these days somebody walks into my life who can accept me, as I am.

I suppose however, first I have to accept myself as I am. I keep feeling that I'd be a much better person, a happier person if I just didn't have the anxiety but in reality it's formed a lot of who I am. Sometimes I just wish I could see myself through the eyes of someone who has loved me.

I now find myself in a very rough spot again. I am not getting out as much as possible and I've fallen into a deep depression. I feel as though I've stumbled into a trap and darkness has surrounded me and I can't find my way out. It's been very scary at times and my thoughts have wandered into dark territory. Familiar territory, as I've been here before but I had hoped never to find myself here again yet here I am.

As hurt as I am with my ex, I cannot help but to feel like maybe I was drowning and taking him down with me. Maybe it was all he could do to save himself from drowning with me was to finally cut the ties to me. I do feel as though I need a guy who has the strength to be able to go through such a rough time with me. I don't want someone who only sees the enjoyable times with me and then is blindsided when the bad hits. I want someone who can take the great and the terrible. But I understand that mostly it ends up being overwhelming. Is it a horrible thing to want someone who just won't be pushed away, overwhelmed, or blindsided by me? I am realizing that I really do need my find my own happiness. I am constantly trying to distract myself, is it really that bad to just sit with myself for awhile? I guess we will see.

So I am back to square one. I am spending time writing out positive affirmations, listening to my hypnotherapy cds and trying to dive deeper into myself. I am working on a new art project I hope will keep me busy. I am currently reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. It is a very beautifully written book. The author writes so poetically, and deeply. I meditate for about 20 minutes every night. I am still trying to find myself spiritually. I haven't found anything that fits yet and there's not a ton of ways to explore spirituality where I live. I suppose it doesn't help I won't go far away enough to really be able to explore it as well. I am a little bummed out because I am absolutely dying to see the new Harry Potter movie out but I find movies something difficult to do right now. *sigh* I am trying not to hate being here again but at times all my frustrations end up building up and exploding. I am always afraid that one of these times I am not going to be able to pick myself up or something worse. *sigh* Here I go again.