So one of the problems my previous relationship had was he wanted kids and I did not. I have often believed that I just did not want kids but lately I wonder if it's because of the agoraphobia. I am afraid that I would not be a good parent. What if things got bad and I couldn't leave the house to take my kid to the hospital if need be? What about the things I couldn't do with my kid? So many what-ifs. I've read a couple of other blogs with agoraphobic mothers and they do a wonderful job, but what if I can't? What if I can't rise to the occasion? At one point, I did want a family and to have kids but then I changed my mind. It's been back and forth over the years but mainly towards not wanting kids but ever since I've been serious enough to think about a family, I've been agoraphobic. What if it is blocking my desires with so much fear I really do believe I don't want it? I just don't know. My therapist told me I wasn't in a good place to decide something like that and she is probably right but I can't help but wonder. It's the main reason he can't be with me. I don't want to want kids so we can be together but I also don't want to miss out on having such an experience out of pure fear.
At one time, I used to hate going out to restaurants and movies. I really just thought I didn't like it but as I got more used to doing it and the fear stopped being so bad, I realized I really do enjoy those things. Even when anxiety is present I still realize it's not the activities that I detested but the feelings I believed they caused. I now love to go out to restaurants and it does make me sad when I get too anxious to go. I know that's quite a bit less serious than children but the idea is the same. Also, I fear getting pregnant because I'm afraid of getting physically sick. I would rather fall of a bridge than get sick. So the morning sickness is a HUGE scare.
I guess it just makes me really sad to have lost a relationship to something like this and in so, it really has made me think about it deeper than I had been thinking about it. It makes me ever sadder to think about being old and looking back on my life and seeing all the things I missed out on due to fear. I already look back and see all the things I didn't take the opportunity. I just don't want to realize that I did want kids when it is too late. I don't want to rule things out because of fear. I want to be making my own decisions based on my heart and soul.
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2 comments:
This must be a really difficult situation for you.
I made a promise with myself about 5 years ago that I would never have kids until I completely overcame agoraphobia. It wasn't so bad as I always thought that I didn't want kids but in the last year it has become something that I'm thinking about more and more. Especially since a lot of people around me have been having kids.
My situation is different from yours though, I have never had any kind of relationship since I've been agoraphobic, I never know how I would explain my situation to a guy and I'm even more worried about what their reaction would be. So I don't know how I would deal with a partner wanting kids.
I think that it's just fear that's holding you back. One day you'll have the family you dreamed about, you're still young
L x
It's hard to explain to some guys but there are some who at least try, which really is all I ask for. I've dated a couple that have dated girls who have anxiety before so that was always helpful too. I'm a lot more open about it with people nowadays too, it makes things alot easier from the get go.
Thanks :)
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