Today is one of those days where I feel like pulling out my hair in frustration. I am so angry and just tired. I feel like I'm in some sort of Groundhog Day situation. Same thing, new day. I know I need to change to get out of this rut but I don't even know how. All the routes out have some sort of road block. Why can't I just do the things I need to do to change!?! Why must things be so scary? I am so tired of fighting...myself. It's exhausting and nobody is winning. Why am I standing in my own way? Why am I my own brick wall?
The days where the anxiety is just simmering are the days I have hope. The days where it is boiling, make me just want to give up. I am exhausted with myself. I'm especially tied of the persistent dark thoughts looming around in my mind. Why can't I just take my meds? Why can't therapy just help? Why do I keep finding myself here? I don't think there is a day in the past two months that I haven't cried.
I am so terrified of taking the meds. I had such a terrible reaction to the last one, I've developed a fear of them. But I want my freedom back. I don't want to be plagued with this fear anymore. But I also don't want to be dependent on a medication or get addicted for that matter. I also don't want to have another bad reaction again, I couldn't even take vitamins for months after that last time I was so scared. So far as far as I get is smashing up a pill and taking maybe half of it but I can't seem to take a full one and I haven't noticed any changed from the half other than my own mind freaking itself out. All I can think sometimes is "omg I just took a pill, what is something happens?"
I'm going to end up with patches of my hair pulled out.
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5 comments:
I've been feeling the exact same for the last 2 weeks. It's been hell! I just cling to the hope that things will get better :)
As for meds - I can't take them either. I had a reaction when I first started taking them and ended up in hospital so I don't take anything. Sometimes I wonder if the reaction was just a really bad panic attack! I know have a fear of all meds; I always worry what will happen to me if I take them. You're not alone with your thoughts.
Lisa xx
Thanks! I've been trying to slowly work up to taking the meds but it is so scary to me! And so frustrating.
I always thought I was alone in my fear of taking medication. I do not like taking it either, but I sometimes do, hardly ever it seems, I am sorry you are feeling hopeless I am there with you right now, I hope soon we both find a way to enjoy life again
It drives me crazy because I know it might be able to help me. I've tried to post some comments on your blog but it never lets me post it, I dunno what's wrong.
Medications scare me too. I have seem some friends have some very bad side effects. Good luck. Wish you well.
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