This past year has just been a mess. It's really been an unpleasant year. I am looking forward to putting it behind me and hope that 2011 brings in new beginnings. I feel like I've watched myself slowly decline over the past year, losing all that I had built up and losing myself in another. Someone who doesn't understand the sacrifices I made, that he wasn't the only one making them. I wonder what the point was now, it ended so badly. I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will love me the way I am, all of me and understand my limits and respect them. Who will stick with me through the hard stuff.
Anyway..
So I finally got around to taking a full pill. I've been taking them while I am calm to see if they cause me any extra anxiety. I do get a bit anxious at first but if I don't think about it too much, I end up being okay. Well a full pill didn't do much, but I was already calm and at home so I took another full pill the next day and went out. I got anxious about taking a full one and being out so I ended up coming home in a bit of an anxious state anyway. Now I don't want to take them at all again. *sigh* I am on a really low dose and my therapist told me to just take another one. It's taken me months to build up to taking one, do I really want to take another one? Um, let's see....NO. I don't.
So now I am completely frustrated. I keep on seeing less and less possibilities of living a life free of anxiety if I can't even take the steps I need to get there. Then I fall into deep depression, not seeing a way out. It's like a cruel circle I am stuck in, some sort of..samsara. I keep on finding hope, then losing it and being heartbroken. I don't know how long I can keep dealing with this heartbreak over and over again. I found my way into this unknowingly and now I can't find my way out.
I'm a bit anxious about Christmas coming up. I had a lot of anxiety over Thanksgiving but I also didn't feel very good so I hope it goes better. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday but this year, I just don't have the energy to get excited. Even in the past, when I've been in a down state, I still look forward but I think this year I had so much invested in being excited about having someone else to celebrate it with that it's been hard for me to get excited now that it's lost. I am glad to have family to celebrate it with, but my family never really gets into Christmas much. I was ready to have someone to start traditions with. I guess on the bright side, maybe the next person I will meet will understand me more as a person and have less expectations of me to be the person they want me to be. And also, the weather is so much less severe than last year. I am not counting down till the year is over. I hope the new year brings in a much better year...
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5 comments:
I always look forward to the New year - I see it as a fresh start. I try my best to put everything that happened in the previous year behind me, some things are difficult to forget though but you just need to get on with things and this is the best way for me.
Taking the pills again is huge step and taking a second one is amazing progress - I know how difficult that is! You should be proud of yourself for trying - all you can do is try. If you fail, you try again. At least the next time you now know that you took 2 pills and nothing happened and this could maybe be something to build on?
I find Christmas quite difficult, I often feel really lonely at Christmas.
Hopefully you will enjoy the day though!
Merry Christmas & hope you have a happy new year!!
Lisa x
This year has been a total disaster for me too, it started so badly with really bad news and real problems with my bf, we broke but then I gave him another opportunity and here we are, still building it up, but together at least. It's good that you're takin pills again but you really have to hold on and dont get desperated, I have been through big depressions since I was a kid too, and I assure you there's hope, and thought it may not seem a question of patient, it is, you have to work everyday to find peace and serenity,you'll have to work for months or years, but you'll see the results of your work. I hope we both have a better new year.
http://dhghost.blogspot.com
Thanks guys. Happy holidays and I hope a better new year for all!
This year has been horrible for me too. And I know what you mean about going out and meeting someone....it's basically impossible with anxiety. And then I worry about how I'm going to bring the anxiety up to anyone who might, by some miracle, be interested in me. It's such a big part of me, but most people don't udnerstand and I can see it scaring guys away.
Getting comfortable with my meds was really hard for me too. I had so much anxiety about taking them that I was doing myself more harm then good. I still struggle sometimes with my benzo, even when I'm in the midst of a panic attack. I don't know why I'm scared of it, I guess because I'm scared of everything lol.
I hope you have a great Christmas! Just know I'll be thinking of ya, and I hope you have such an awesome day!
I try to get a couple dates in before I say anything but I also try to tell them early because it really sucks to start to like someone only to have them decide they don't like me back because they don't understand or whatever the reason.
lol, I'm scared of a lot too. Right now I have a cold and it's scaring me.
Thank you, I hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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