Determination

"Never let fear stop you from being who you are."

I am so determined to get myself in a better place. Determined like my cat when he wants to jump on top of the bookshelf to look out the window. He sits on his cat perch, which is next to the bookshelf in ready-to-leap position. He sits there what I would assume to be calculating the distance and then pushes off. Sometimes he makes it, sometimes...he falls on his butt. However, he tends to be unfazed when he falls on his butt and gets himself back up and tries again. When I fall on mine, sometimes I sit there for awhile, nursing my wounds, or in this case my fears. *sigh*

I have just spent another rather nerve-racking night trying to get myself downtown. And do you know what just kills me about the whole situation? The fact that I was completely fine most of the way downtown. It's the what-if thoughts that ended up hurling themselves into my mind that caused me to end up a wreck. I kept worrying about all the things that could possibly happen. I kept on trying to pull myself back into the moment, a meditation technique I learned about from a Buddhism book. Basically by focusing on the present moment and your feelings at the present time, it's supposed to help keep you from jumping into the future or falling back into the past. Clearly, it is a technique that I haven't really mastered.

I arrived at the bar right at closing time. I had left to go to the bar at least an hour beforehand and it is maybe a 20 min drive. It took me about 4 or 5 tries to get down there. I cannot even tell you how many times that I turned around to go back home. And when I finally got there, I just kept driving. I turned back around of course but by the time I got there I felt like I had been hit by a car...emotionally that is. I stuck around for about a half hour before all the what-if thoughts won the battle and I headed home. I am quite glad I made it down. Out of the 3 places I frequent on the weekends, that's the place where I run into most of my friends. Go figure it happens to be the most difficult one to get to.

Driving home, I was so happy I got to see my friends but I was so upset it was so difficult to do. That's kind of when the determination hit. I couldn't help but imagine how things would be if I just dropped the two tag-alongs, fear and worry. I couldn't help but think about who I could be. I often wonder who I really am and what I really like and what. I feel as though fear has shaped a lot of my thinking and feeling. I remember for the longest time, I thought I was just an anti-social person, and well that is far from the truth.

Lately, I have started taking some time to just sit in solitude and let my thoughts flow. I had been reading an article and it mentioned the practice of sitting in solitude. Just sitting there, no distractions and just letting thoughts flow through your mind, not necessarily thinking of anything in particular. The idea is that if you let your thoughts flow like that for a period of time, eventually you will tap into your inner voice and it will help guide you. In the article, it suggests 60 minutes and when i read that all I could think was "I can't sit still for an hour!" So I started out with a half hour and it surprised me how fast time flies just sitting there letting thoughts flow through my head. I started at the middle of the week and tonight I sat for an hour like it was nothing. And I feel much calmer. It's like a form of meditation for me that is simpler than my normal meditation because rather than trying to clear my mind or focus on my breath, I just let my thoughts flow. Plus, it is quite peaceful because I have been sitting outside and nature is so beautiful even when looking just at trees and sky. Hopefully this will help me find peace of mind and maybe help me figure out who I really am.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Access-Your-Inner-Voice-for-Guidance/1