Some progress!

Well, this weekend proved to be quite a good one for me. I managed to get out both Friday and Saturday, even downtown which isn't somewhere I've been able to go for the past couple of months because it is so far out of my comfort zone. I was so happy to get out and see some of my friends I haven't seen for awhile.

Friday, it was a bit easier because I went to the bar closest to me. It was pretty busy though, there was a birthday there that night, but it was good because I ran into some people I haven't seen for awhile and that was nice. I did have to step outside a few times since it was so busy but I stayed until close for the first time in the past two and a half months. I got there late, so it was only an hour and a half but I was so glad to have stayed.

Saturday, two of my favorite music friends were playing downtown. I was skeptical that I'd make it but last minute I decided I would at least try. I really did want to go very much, I like to support my friends. The book I mentioned in my last post has been somewhat helpful. It's hard to incorporate the teachings of the book and actually get it right away but I you hafta start somewhere, right? So I just had to reassure myself that no matter what would happen I would be okay. I decided to trust..in God...to get me through this. I'm not much into religion and I am still trying to find my spiritual place in this world but I do believe in a higher power. I decided to just trust that things would be okay and to try to not let my irrational thoughts get to me this time. And I tried to tell myself if I really got anxious I could turn around and I could even try to just le go and let the anxiety come, like last time and it might just go away faster.

I got to my destination on the first try! But I walked in and after about ten mins walked right back out! I was ready to leave, but my friend caught me and talked to me a little outside where there was less going on and after that I was okay. I spent the rest of the night in the dj booth dancing! I was so glad i tried and made it. I won't lie though, most of the time I was there, even when I was having fun, there was always that "what-if" thought in the back of my mind. Scanning my body for any signs of nervousness or hints to get out of there. I want so much to be able to get a break from guard duty! It is exhausting. But for the meantime, I will take the progress and be grateful for it.

Monday, however, was a different story. Here I am thinking, "Oh what a great weekend! Back to going forward again!" Nope, Monday I had very strong anxiety again. I was SO nervous and it took me a few tries to get where I needed to be. I didn't have to do either things really, but I felt like I did. My friend had lent me a DVD and I wanted to drop it back at his house and I wanted to see another friend before he left for a trip for three weeks out of the states. I think the fact it wasn't a spur of the moment thing and I felt I needed to do both things stressed me out. It comptely was frustrating too. How could I go downtown one night then not even half that distance the next?! Infuriating. I finally mustered up the courage to drop off my friends dvd, I literally just left it in his mailbox and the anxiety was so strong but once I had dropped it off and I could start my drive home, I calmed down noticably and was able to do the rest of what I wanted .

Today has gone well, I was able to sit through a movie. I guess I am going to have to learn to ride the waves with more ease. I think I need to learn to surf.