Dead in it's tracks.

I have been reading a new book on anxiety and how to deal with them. The book is called Embracing the Fear and the basis of it is to accept the anxiety and let it pass. It teaches you to replace negative self talk with more loving positive self talk. The idea is that if you stop feeling bad about the anxiety, like something is wrong with you, it will disappear easier and faster because you aren't fighting it and you aren't giving it the power to scare you anymore. I have not gotten all the way through it yet but I've been trying to implement some of the self talk since that is probably one of my biggest problems is the way I talk to myself.

Yesterday something interesting happened. I went over to a friend's house that is a bit out of my comfort zone but I've been getting so lonely to see friends that I decided to take a try at it anyway. The whole way I had nervous dialogue going through my mind so by the time I actually got there, I was kind of a mess. He tried to sit with my and reassure me but I could feel the anxiety rising and finally after about 5 mins of being there, I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to run.

But he wouldn't let me. He refused to let me leave, he actually blocked the door. He was hoping to calm me down, but I was going bonkers by then, I pleaded with him to let me go home, I was desperate to go! I was actually trying to push him out of the way and just begging to go home (not one of my proud moments). Yet, he just stood there telling me I was safe and I was okay and I felt the anxiety peak and all I could think was, "Oh God, here it goes" and I just kinda gave up and stopped fighting with him to leave and fighting my feelings and it just kinda died. At that point, I was just lying on the floor, crying a bit while he was sitting with me doing his best to reassure me and tell me that I was safe and that nothing could hurt me. I suppose it might seem a bit harsh of him to do maybe and very scary for an agoraphobic but things ended up okay. I think that he thought he could calm me down without me having to leave, which mostly worked, however I did tell him next time maybe find a different way. I know he had the best intentions as my friend. I must admit he is one of the people I do tend to feel the safest around and for whatever reason he tends to be able to calm me down when I am out and feeling scared.

Side note: Often people tell me that I am safe and nothing can hurt me. Yet I'm not worried about being physically hurt, It's my thoughts that hurt me anymore, that is what I need to be saved from. :\ I am hoping this book will help with that a little.

Anyway, between having to actually stick out the anxiety rather than running and probably my friend being calm and reassuring as much as possible I managed to get through being a mess and was actually quite calm after. And I was kind of shocked that it just stopped mid-anxiety. Some times I feel that if I could just get over the anticipatory anxiety or just get it over with, I'd be fine after. I was a bit edgy after, wondering if it'd come back but I managed to stay. I hope that next time I am able to just let go and flow with my feelings rather than put up a fight but I think it'll take some time to feel confident with that idea. Even though the proof was there yesterday.

However, I did learn a few things from this other than that when I stop fighting, there is a good chance of the anxiety just stopping in it's tracks. For starters, my friend saw me at a very low point for me. I don't usually let people see me like that because I am embarrassed they won't want to be my friend anymore or think I'm weird(er). However, since he decided to refuse to let me go, it just all came out and he didn't seem to mind a bit. It didn't seem to phase him at all. Lots of people tell me it won't bug them but my irrational thoughts take over and I fear they will not be my friend. Hopefully this will help with those thoughts. I also realized that anxiety comes and goes, if I just let it happen, it will probably go a lot faster and I don't have to be at home to be able to deal with it. I just wish I could reassure myself of this easier because even though I got through it last night, I still feel apprehensive.

I still feel sad, but not as sad and I'll take that, but I wish Jai were here. As much as I want to get over this on my own, I want him to be the supportive person in my life, I just don't know if that can happen or will happen now.