I wonder what it would be like to be, even just for a minute, to be without the fear, without the anxiety and to just let down my guard...all of it. How amazing would that be? An unguarded moment, letting my defenses down and to just live. Not worrying about "what if" this or "what if" that. I think I have had the anxiety for so long, I don't even remember what it feels like to just get lost in the moment. It's always there, even just a sliver.
Things are still pretty rough but it's more the depression lately. I did miss another therapy appointment on Friday. She brought up that maybe it would be a good idea to try medications. I feel such hesitancy towards meds, yet I don't know how I am going to get over this on my own. I can't seem to get past some of the anxiety sensations I feel to actually stay somewhere or do the things I need to do. Maybe an anti-anxiety med would be helpful. I just don't know. I'm so worried I'd end up psyching myself out that it would do more harm than good in the long run and right now I am clinging on to the freedoms I still have. Luckily, I am still getting out a bit, my comfort zone has just become smaller and it seems like if I pre-plan anything then I end up over thinking things and making it a bigger deal than neccessary. I don't want to lose any of that.
Even though I am not as bound to the house as I was last year, I find that I am just as depressed as I was back then. I'm not even sure why. Is that odd? That I don't know why I am sad? Apparently I am supposed to know. Apparently maybe I want to be sad. It always hurts me to hear..."well maybe you want to be sad....maybe you want to be agoraphobic." I don't think anybody who is agoraphobic or depressed enough to just want to lay down and wish life would just stop actually wants to be there. Fear is quite demanding and when you have lived with it for so long, it becomes a bigger and bigger bully, hard to stand up to. Fear likes to smash any hopes of anything with a crowbar. I do realize that I've fallen into the "safety" of living the way I do. I know what it is like, I know what I am dealing with, mostly. Being completely free is such an amazing thought yet also a scary one. I fear that I will let down my defenses and one day, anxiety will sneak back up on me and surprise me and ruin anything I have going on at the time. And I think that would be the most depressing thing for me ever, to have felt that sort of freedom only to be captured once again. I mean, I've experienced a freedom this past few months that I haven't had before and losing just a little bit of it has spiraled me into depression pretty fast.
I guess if I had to take a stab at guessing why I'm so sad it is because I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to overcome this. I hate being this sad, I don't want to $@!%ing be sad. I don't even feel like myself anymore. All the negativity has come back up and when I actually catch my thoughts, I realize how mean they are. There seems to just be a stream of thoughts telling me that I am a loser and that I will never amount to anything. That I am a bad person and I don't appreciate things enough because I am so selfish. It constantly nags at me telling me how much I've missed out on and how much I will continue to miss out on. I couldn't stop crying the other night, every time it'd slow down, it'd pick back up. I finally stopped when I found somebody to hang out with. I just felt so alone and so sad. I know I am not alone in this, yet I can't seem to get that through my head. I ended up going to Target and the gas station with one of my friends.
I think lastly, I am sad because I am so lonely. Being in a relationship with someone halfway around the world is a lot harder especially when I want that person to be here. I don't know if I was meant to lack affection in my life because I've noticed in the past year how much it really makes a difference in my mood. And I feel like the distance is making us both see different parts of each other. I don't think we had enough time to know each other before getting into this relationship. It's such a big step to me to be in a long distance relationship and I think that I ignored how I felt about it because I knew I wanted to be with him, just not yet. So I am now torn between staying because I like him or leaving because I am not sure if it is fair for him to deal with me being so depressed and cranky or fair for me to be so miserable because he is gone. I think at this point we are both unhappy. We had a discussion about the future a few weeks ago and I wonder if he really understands what he'd be getting into. I hope to find somebody who would be able to deal with me going through a bad episode. I'm not sure if that is him, I think that he would like ultimately to be with somebody who is more independent and can take on adult responsibilty. I know if I had a bad episode, I'd probably need somebody who'd be able to take care of me and accept that I'd be dependent for however long. I guess that is another thing my negativity tells me, is that there won't be a guy who will want me, agoraphobia and all.
I just want to find something that takes me out of my own little world so that I feel like I am doing something good. I know I have been saying this for sometime, but I still haven't found what it is and lately it's been even harder because I don't even know what makes me happy at the moment. I guess all I can do is keep looking...
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6 comments:
Hey Kaci,
I haven't read a whole lot of your blog so I don't really know a great deal about you or the things you are going through, other than the fact you are anxious and sad a great deal of the time.
If it's any consolation, I believe that most people on a long enough time line experience these feelings. Perhaps not so intensely, perhaps they are good at hiding it and putting up a front. True and lasting emotional stability - the kind fostered by a regular and supportive family and childhood is not something that everyone is lucky enough to be born into.
It's a sad fact, but most people experience frustrating uncertainty in their lives and relationships - the 21st century is a really confusing place. There are so many distractions and the emphasis seems to fall so heavily on the individual nowadays as opposed to the community he/she lives in. That means it's really easy to feel like shit and to continue to do so when you feel as though your life doesn't measure up to the lives of others.
What you can take from this is that it is important not to feel as though you're some kind of anomaly in an otherwise peaceful, rational world. You're not. Unfortunately the people who experience great hardship in their lives whether due to social/political circumstances are in the silent majority. The people who seem to breeze through life desensitized to the issues around them are truly a very limited minority. They're also not very interesting people. If anything, being sensitive to others and yourself is a great strength as it allows you to appreciate the struggles that other people go through.
The feelings and things that are hurting you now are the things that you will turn into strength when you begin to feel better. Please know that you're not alone.
I hope this message is of some help and I wish you the best. I'll read more of your postings to get a better idea of where you're coming from as well.
Hello
Thank you for your very kind and comforting comment. I once read a quote that said "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." I try to remember this when I feel like the odd one out. I guess I feel very envious of the people around me when I go out and seem to be having the time of their lives without being fearful of their surroundings.
I guess I oughta be grateful I am still getting out, I guess sometimes when I get so sad, hope becomes a distant memory. Do you also deal with anxiety? I hope to hear from you again!
Haha that is a good quote! Certainly when viewed by themselves and with no basis for comparison our problems can seem overwhelming at times. That would be one hell of a pile!
It's excellent that despite the anxiety you still manage to go outside and do stuff. That's extremely important. Even though you might not feel as though you're having as good a time as everyone else, it's important to realise how much we tend to idealise the experience of others.
You used the word 'seem' when describing how everyone else 'seems' to be having a great time. Not to suggest that it's totally the opposite and that everyone is actually miserable (I'm not that ridiculous! :P), but people are very good at hiding what they are really feeling in social situations. These people you see when you have these thoughts might well look at you and think the same thing. It might happen when you're not looking.
Personally I do experience feelings of anxiety at times. I'm very outgoing but I generally avoid drinking or taking drugs, which can aggravate those feelings. My family has had problems in the past and because of these home isn't always the calm place that one imagines it should be. I practice being self-aware and aware of my surroundings so that when anxiety arises I do not blame myself for these feelings.
It is really important to externalise your feelings of anxiety like this. Remember that it is not part of you, no matter how long you have experienced it. If you can recall even one moment when you were not anxious then this proves that.
I guess I've been experiencing it to some degree for so long, I can't really remember a time where I wasn't at least on "guard." Probably when I was young, I was very outgoing and loved to be around people. I still love to be around people but the anxiety makes it hard so it causes me a lot of sadness.
I have been trying to be mindful of the moment rather than project into the future or get caught in the past but it's very hard at times because I over-think a lot. You're very good at writing and with words.
Yeah I can understand how difficult that must be for you. Life certainly seems a great deal less complicated when you're a kid.
It seems as though you're making a very powerful effort to curb your anxiety and that is excellent. It shows great strength and I'm sure that your friends see that too.
Do you feel as though there are there any parts of your life which anxiety has not infiltrated? Would you be able to describe what you mean by 'being on guard'?
I started having anxiety as young as 8 so I think that is why it's hard for me to remember times where there wasn't some anxiety.
When I say being on guard, I mean that I am always aware of the anxiety and I feel like I always need to be worrying about what could happen or it might sneak up on me and I'd be unprepared to deal with it.
Thanks, sometimes it doesn't feel like it even when people tell me I'm doing well or that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I guess I am my own toughest critic.
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