*sigh*

So today I was to have a therapist appointment but I became too anxious to get there. Seems a bit ironic, that one of the things that will help me beat the agoraphobia, the agoraphobia keeps me from going from time to time. It's horribly frustrating, especially since I probably could have really benefited from this session as I have gotten increasingly depressed. I have not been this depressed since things were pretty bad a year ago, yet I have not fallen that far down as I am still able to get out and do more things than I did at that time. However, I am quite lonely, much like I was back then and it's made me realize quite how much having affection is a motivator in my life.

I do realize that in the long run, I'd like it to be that I am able to pick myself up rather than always relying on someone else to do so since that seems to be the trend but I do believe sometimes a helping hand makes the world of difference. I guess more importantly, I would like to have the strong belief in myself that I am able to do this for myself rather than for someone else. Oh, but how to get there? Why don't I have faith in myself? I don't like the sad person I have become. I think that I have become so caught up with my emotions, that I think I am what I am feeling. I've no longer just let my emotions become something that I feel and that comes and go. Instead, I am identifying myself as my emotion. I feel like sadness is a place that I live, I eat, breathe, and think sadness lately. While I understand, to be happy, sadness must be experienced, there is not one without the other but I would like to get to a point where I stop wearing it like a second skin. It seems like the majority of the time all I do is sleep. I actually look forward to it. Which if I actually had busy days, that might be a good thing but when I get 8 hours of sleep a night plus a couple of hours napping and I still would like to lay back down, I'm not so sure if that is a good thing.

I did come across a couple of articles on Oprah.com that I thought had a good deal of wisdom in them.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/3-Ways-to-Change-without-Anxiety

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Testing-the-Work-of-Byron-Katie

I am definitely going to try to put use to both the ideas from the articles. When I talked to my therapist, she told me that when I am anxious, my thoughts lie to me. That the fear is speaking and it is not rational. I hope that I am able to catch myself when I start thinking irrationally. I hope to get out a little this weekend and maybe that will cheer me up a bit.