...

And it is still continuing. The depression has gotten a bit worse however. I can't quite remember being so sad, not since things were bad about a year ago. I didn't want to find myself back here, yet I feel like I have. I am still able to get out a little but my comfort zone has been severely shortened. The things that I didn't even think twice about, I find I am having a hard time doing.

My birthday was on Thursday and while it was a nice day, it made me very depressed because I had hoped this year I would be able to go out and do something and up until about two weeks ago I still planned on doing something. However, as the anxiety has been at the levels it has been at, I decided that I would not be doing anything this year again. I did have a birthday dinner today at my brothers house which is maybe 5 minutes away from mine and I was just so upset. I wanted to have a birthday dinner here at home but my mom didn't want to have people over and my brother offered his house. I had awful anticipatory anxiety and I really only stayed long enough to eat then I went back home and went directly to bed which is all I've wanted to do all day.

I'm just so sad to watch my levels of comfort change and the freedom I had to be shortened so much. I feel like I am watching all of my hard work that has taken me this entire past year to achieve just go away with in such a short period of time. I hate that my progress is such a rollercoaster, although I really haven't had any issues this bad for awhile so I guess I am lucky there. But sometimes I just get so tired of fighting things, I feel like I am fighting myself and it makes me less hopeful. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life but I wonder if I have what it takes to do what needs to be done. I feel like I need something to take the edge off of the anxiety but medications scare me so much and I really don't want to go down that path. To be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong about going down that path, I'm not too proud or embarassed, I'm too scared. And I feel though meds are a temp solution to a long term problem.

The lack of affection is affecting me again. Even a couple of my friends can tell something is bothering me. I had no idea things would be this hard or still be affecting me, it's been a month since he's been gone and it's not getting any easier, expecially with me not going out much.

I've picked up some herbal rememdies for anxiety but I'm a little scared even for those, I had such a bad experience with medication it's put me off of any sort of pill. I got some passion flower in a tincher so it'a s liquid but it tastes awful, even when I mix it with juice. I'm taking very small doses right now so I can get used to it even though it is just herbal stuff. I also got an Ipod itouch for my birthday and I have downloaded an app for anixety. It is called Let Panic Go.

The good news is I have been finding time to paint now and I did at least try to make it out to a club tonight. It kinda makes me sad, the club I first started going to last year, I am now having problems with and it is the one that is closest to me! But I tried. I lasted about 20 minutes before having to go back home. *sigh* I am just so sad and all I want to do is sleep. Why am I here again?