Shades of Gray

One of my first CD's I ever got as a child was Billy Joel - River of Dreams. I absolutely loved that CD and I still listen to it from time to time. One of the songs on that cd is called Shades of Grey.

"Some things were perfectly clear,
seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear,
I claimed the corner on truth
These days it's harder to say
I know what I'm fighting for
My faith is falling away
I'm not that sure anymore"

Sometimes I miss very much being young. I viewed the world so much differently. There was so much less doubt and I was such a happy child. No doubts, nothing to fear...cept for the witch I thought lived in the old shower of my house at the time. I had quite the imagination as a child. Nowadays, I feel like I am surrounded in doubt and fear. I was walking through a store today and all the Easter stuff was out. I do miss Easter baskets, even if that is not the point of Easter. I miss believing in the fairy tales. As a child, my best friend and I had birthdays about a week apart. Which mine is in about a week. We would celebrated together on occasion and one of my favorite memories is the year we had it at her house in her backyard. Her parents did very well for themselves and had a very large backyard. One year, we did an Easter egg hunt birthday celebration in her backyard and her dad dressed up as the Easter bunny. Everyone had such a fantastic time. Sadly, we grew apart as we got older. I started getting anxiety at a very young age and didn't know what it was. I avoided going out with her a lot and I think after awhile she just gave up. You can only cancel plans on someone so many times as a kid before they get discouraged from being disappointed by their best friend so often. Even as an adult, I think it tends to be the same way, depending on the situation. It's why I tend to watch people walk out of my life, because I've offended them some way by not coming out.

I have been in quite the down state since my brush with anxiety the other night. I just keep remembering how terrified I felt and it's really pushed me back a bit. I keep "what if-ing" myself. I had plans to go downtown to see my favorite dj friend play and for the first time since I met him in the fall, I missed a show. I was pretty bummed out. And I notice higher anxiety levels and even things that I normally have no issues with have caused me some anxiety. I went to the store today, something I have not had problems with for a very long time and I felt more anxious than usual. Friday night, I went to a department store by my house and I had to leave. So I feel like I am living in shades of grey. I am just so sad lately and feel so frustrated. I am completely aware of the things I can appreciate but it doesn't seem to lift me out of this mood. It feels heavy to me. All I want to do is sleep, which is something I have been doing increasingly. I feel like if I am sleeping then I'm not feeling much even though I do tend to dream of anxiety sometimes too. I can't even escape it in my dreams sometimes! And I've been crying quite easily, I'll see something that affects me and it'll just hit me.

Sometimes I feel like my happy attitude is just a front and I am really a sad, miserable person but I think there is a part of me that knows it's not true. I think I tend to lean towards being negative so easily that when I do get down, it very easy for me to slide into negativity. I think mostly I've been sad is because I don't want to lose eveything I have been working at. It's almost summer again and I don't want to miss out. Summer is my favorite time of year and I am hoping for some really great progress but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Or confused, I don't know what to do or where to start.

Sometimes I feel like medication would be helpful but I am so terrified of taking it that I think it wouldn't really end up helping at all because I would psyche myself out. You know how when people are put on placebos, they feel the effects sometimes or side effects? That is what I feel I would end up doing to myself because I had such a terrible experience with the last medication. And of course I've read of on anti-anxiety meds which didn't really help make me feel any better about it. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, what do you do?

I'm trying to stay positive and know things will get better but then I have a bad moment or something gets to me and it pushes me right back down. I hope this passes soon. My birthday is April 8th and I was quite looking forward to going out and seeing people this year. Last year, one of my friends was nice enough to bring lunch to my house since at the time, I wasn't getting out. This year, while I wasn't planning on a party, I was planning on at least going out and seeing my friends and going to Pitch to eat pizza. I am still hoping I will get myself back on track and feel more confident again. Although, I feel a little as though I've been off track for a bit now not just from Thursday.

One of my favorite songs from River of Dreams is Lullaby - Goodnight my Angel. It is such a beautiful and relaxing song to me.