One week down..

It's been a little over a week since Jai left and I think that I have finally gotten adjusted to it. My stomach aches have subsided and my anxiety has eased off me. I finally got out tonight for a little bit. It felt good to get out but I was very nervous since for the past week and a half I haven't had the motivation to do anything and I didn't go out at all last weekend. But I made it downtown fine and stayed for a little bit and I saw some friends I haven't seen for awhile so I was happy with things.

I really didn't expect things to be so hard when he left. We haven't been dating all that long and I've dated someone who has deployed before and my last actual relationship was a long distance one. But now I find that all I do is wait to hear from him and the best part of the day is when he calls. I cannot call him so I have to wait to hear from him, I think that is the hardest part. It's odd to me because I don't find myself trying as hard as I have been in the past to be with him but I think I've realized he is the first person who I don't have to try to get him to like me...he just does. And he likes me for me, I don't have to go out of my way to impress him or be someone else. I can just be me. I haven't quite gotten used to it but I know I have someone good. Sometimes I think I wanted "him" so much I attracted him into my life. What I mean by that, is whenever I would daydream, I would daydream about an amazing person who would like me for me and be a kind person with a good heart and romantic to a fault. I had certian qualities I wanted and I would day dream about "him" quite often. My dream guy I suppose. This sounds so silly but I even gave him a name. I named him James but his nickname would be Jamie because even though it's usually a girls name, I really like the name Jamie for a guy. Plus, I figured if I ever actually met a guy named Jamie then maybe that would be the universe telling me to pay attention. This was awhile ago, maybe almost a year, I kinda forgot about my dream guy after awhile only day dreaming about him occasionally...then I met Jai...his name isn't actually Jai...but his middle name is Jamie and he is from the South...and in the South they go by their middle names...and he has a Southern accent, which my "dream guy" had an accent since I like them so much. I know this all may sound so silly but I am so very much a day dreamer and I that is what I mean by attracted him into my life. All of this can't just be a coincidence and I had to see where things could go. And they have been fantastic. Even though I miss him a lot and it's not going to be easy but three months isn't too long of a wait. I think there is something to be said about attracting what you want into your life.

Other than that, not much has been going on. Things are finally melting but winter is still holding on as long as it can. I've been seeing a therapist and it's been nice to have someone to talk to who has experienced anxiety firsthand. She told me that she eventually just got sick of it and wanted to have a live free from fear. It took her awhile and it was a lot of ups and downs and she still has anxity but she has gotten herself to a point where she can really live her life. She said a lot of it came down to the way she thought. She said when you change the way you think, it can re-wire how your brain reacts to things. I've read this before too. My brain is kind of wired to react the way I do when I am anxious, to run from the situation because I've reinforced it so much. She said if I would just stay put and use positive self talk and talk myself out of it that it would help re-wire the way I react so that the reaction to run would not be so strong. So I have been trying this but it does get to be very hard when the physical syptoms start up and my tummy hurts. However, I will keep trying in hopes one day I will be able to live my life without letting anxiety get in the way.

My birthday is in about three weeks. I am quite excited but also bummed out Jai will not be here to celebrate with me. I am not sure if I will even celebrate because I'm worried I'll set something up only to get too anxious to attend my own birthday party! I am sure I will just bop around to my favorite bars since I don't really drink and see who I run into.