*sigh*

I'm so frustrated and scared. And exhausted. For whatever reason, on my way home from the house I was house sitting at, anxiety kicked in something awful. I'd had a stomach ache most of the night and I had been anxious most of the day and I guess it just all came out tonight. I was going to sleep over at the house I was house sitting at but my stomach started to get upset and so I decided to go home. I was nervous as I was leaving the house but I had to turn around and go back because I thought I forgot to blow out a candle, but I had but by the time I was leaving the house the second time, it was already pretty bad.

It was 2 am so there were no other cars out which was good because I got home a lot faster that way but, usually when I start the drive home, the anxiety tends to fade and I am fine. This time, it just got worse and I just started getting more scared. I tried to talk myself out of it but the fearful part of me was just screaming, I don't want this to happen, I don't want this to happen and just getting more scared. I tried calling a friend but at this hour, he was probably asleep and I felt too guilty waking anyone else up. I texted a couple of people, I feel less bad about that and one of my friends was still up and he kinda talked with me for a bit, so I am a bit calmer now but there is still a fear there about it building back up again.

I'm so sad and so scared about the whole situation. It wasn't a full blown but it was a hair away from it. It's the worst I've had probably since the end of the summer, beginning of fall. I think the last one this bad, I was actually downtown, and one of my friends had to sit outside with me till I calmed down. I do know that ups and downs will happen with making progress but it always makes me sad and scared because I always wonder just how bad it will affect me. In my past blogs, I've said I fear the the rug will be pulled out from under me and I'll hafta start all over again and that terrifies me. I just barely pulled myself out of the last one. I know I have a great support group, but it's changed a bit now that I am seeing someone. And he is halfway around the world and not easily accessible. I am very grateful he wants to be such a support to me and is trying his best to understand but it does make it very hard with him being so far away.

I know I will pull myself out of this one, I'm just so scared because it just happened. This is one of those moments I really do just hate it and want it to be gone. Sometimes I feel like I am scaling a mountian and just when I think I am getting to the top, the clouds clear and I see I have way more to go. I know this is a very negative post but I need to get all these feelings out.

I always feel exhausted after having this much anxiety but I'm still anxious enough that I won't fall asleep right away. All I want to do is cry. I wish I wasn't so afraid of anti-anxiety meds. I think they would help but I also think I'm so afraid of them that I would end up upsetting myself with thoughts. Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy and that makes me sad. I am very thankful I have people who don't mind me waking them up at 2 in the morning over this stuff. I don't know what I'd do without my friends being so understanding and such a support to me. Hopefully my next blog will be much more cheerful.