I've been pretty anxious lately and I think it's a mix of the fact I've been spending a lot of time downtown. I really really really do not like being downtown but I want to spend as much time with Jai as possible before he leaves but I am in almost a constant state of anxiety at some level. I am always worrying about what could happen, what to do if it does and how quickly I can get home. I absolutely hate it. The parking is a mess, there are a lot of one way streets so it's not so easy to just turn around, you have to go around the block and it's just so far from my house. I've never dated anyone who lives so far away so I wasn't aware just how much it'd bug me but it does. He did just find a apartment on the first floor so that is much better, no elevators now but he has a year lease so he will still live downtown for the next year at least. And he loves living down there, I know if he ever moved out west it'd be because I didn't like being downtown and that makes me feel bad. But that's neither here nor there at the moment. I just don't know how this will all play out, as I am having a difficult time finding a way to be comfortable down there.
The second thing is the fact he will be so far away. I don't really have safe people, I do have a couple friends who I can call who are very good at calming me down but other than that the closest I came to having a safe person was when I didn't like when my mom left and that was an absolute nightmare to me. I am uncomfortable with a safe person because people come and go so easily sometimes. However, when people I am close to leave, it's hard on me until I get adjusted to it. A lot of what-if's come into my head and I wish I could just let go of it all and go with the flow of things and accept the constant change that is life. I want so much to be comfortable with life rather than feeling like I am fighting it and trying to constantly be in control of things. I just want to lay back and ride the waves peacefully.
For whatever reason, I am not too worried about him being gone, 3 months really isn't that bad and I'm 95% sure I'll be fine waiting for him. The other 5% is fear. I'm sad he is gone but I am happy where things are with us. It's worth it to me which is why I am not worried and I think he is one of the very few people I pretty much completely trust. I've had a lot of trust issues in the past I think I have been able to totally trust maybe one other boyfriend I've dated. A part of me feels like I will have some time to be a bit less stressed as I won't be having to go downtown as much which I hate to admit...does anyone else ever feel this way? And a part of me is actually somewhat okay with him being gone, as it will give me time to really keep focusing on myself and I think it will be a good way to strengthen our relationship. Not that I can't work on myself while he is here, but I do tend to drop everything for the person I am seeing and lose track of where I am. However, if anyone has any good tips on long distance relationships, I'm all ears :)
Other than that, things are still going. Another one of my friends has faded from my life and I'm not entirely sure why, we just stopped talking. This is the second person who has stepped out of my life and I can't help but wonder if I am doing something wrong as a friend.
On the bright side, I do still have some amazingly wonderful people in my life. I am very lucky to be blessed with such people in my life. I realize this since I have such supportive people and I have been very lucky to have friends who care about me and help me when things are down. I was driving home the other night and it just kind of hit me. I was driving my friends car that he let me borrow because mine is having issues, listening to a cd that another friend made for me and I had spent some with Jamie that night and he really does surprise me with how patient and caring he is towards me. I don't think I've ever dated someone who cares about me so much right off the bat and is so verbal and romantic in his gestures towards me. I realized just how much my friends support me and how much I am surrounded by love and it just amazes me that I could be SO lucky. I find it kind of weird how just recently I wanted to finally take a relationship into considerations and shortly after he walks into my life. Talk about good timing huh?
And lastly, I was invited by one of my favorite people to a concert. Bon Jovi was in town and he had an extra ticket he let me have!! It was one of the more challenging things I have done but I tried. I did not make it through the entire concert but I made it long enough to hear It's My Life, which is my favorite song of his. I had to park very very far away and it was very busy! The seats made me even further away from my car but they were such amazing seats! He puts on an excellent show. And while I was glad I went, I was upset that the entire time the thing on my mind was my anxiety and an escape route.
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life"
His lyrics hit me while I was standing there being nervous trying to shake it and just getting frustrated that I couldn't. I just want to be able to get myself into the moment and just go with the flow and really live. I'm so tired of being so scared of my own thoughts and feelings. I am hoping with all my being I find my way to that place, where I am confident in myself and free of fear.
Bon Jovi
By kkaci at 2010-03-11
By kkaci at 2010-03-11
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