Waiting for the clouds to pass.

"I lick my wounds
but I can't ever see them getting better.
Something's gotta change,
things cannot stay the same."

~Maroon 5

Lately I just feel lost. I have no direction. I know where I want to go but I can't find the path to get there. Or maybe I am scared to step foot onto it to begin that journey. I don't know. My negativity has really been getting to me lately. It's like, I am aware of it yet continue to watch it tear down my hope. I feel like a spectator. But I'm not. So why can't I seem to put my foot down? I guess it is much easier to fall into habit than to make a new path. I remember saying at one point last year I felt like I was on the sidelines, watching the game but not playing. I am beginning to feel that way again. But this time, I am still in the game partially but then taken out and I am on the bench watching plays that I used to be able to do. Don't get me wrong, I am still glad that I am getting out a little bit but it is somewhat heartbreaking to see my comfort area shrink once again.

I don't even feel like myself lately. Even when I feel like I am happy at times, I feel like I am faking it and underneath I am really just a sad, negative person. I guess you could say negativity has really gotten the best of me lately. I look at the future with dealing with anxiety and agoraphobia and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that being negative and continually letting my negative thoughts get the best of me is probably my biggest downfall. They seem so much more powerful than the positive thoughts I have. They are like the dark clouds looming into the clear blue sky. Clouds pass though...and sometimes leave a rainbow behind.

I am trying to find a psychiatrist in my area. I am hoping that this will help. I feel like my mood has been affecting all other areas of my life.