Changes

For starters, I would just like to say I have come down with spring fever something horrible. I miss green, I miss flowers, I miss the warm breeze. Needless to say, I am very much so looking forward to the change of seasons. Winter seems to be dragging on and it has been a rather rough winter here this year. Snow has been on the ground since early December because it either keeps snowing or is too cold to melt. I do notice the days are slowly getting longer which is a plus as I am ready to spend some more time with the sun. My mood lately has been very sensitive. I find myself prone to mood swings which is no fun. Usually it tends to pass but I think so much small stuff has been going on it's been too easy for me to stray off path. The anxiety has been up and down and it was kinda apparent this weekend more than it has been for awhile which is odd since a few days ago, I was feeling rather calm.

So I guess to explain everything lately, I have to go back a few months. I have a feeling this blog may be rather long and may be quite boring so I'll just say now this blog in particular is more for me as a journal type entry than anything else really.

So here goes...

Back in September I met someone. Well, not really met as I already knew who he was just had never met him. But I recognized him at a pool party I went to that night. He had dated a friend of mine who at one point was very close to me. Sadly, over the past year, she and I grew apart. I felt that the friendship had become somewhat toxic and we've yet to really repair things as I feel the only reason she comes around lately is when it benefits her in someway, like if she needs advice. Anyway, that was the night I met Jamie. We ran into each other a month later at another pool party ( Our mutual friend throws some fabulous pool parties) and we ended up finding each other on facebook. He asked me to dinner and since I was kind of hesitant as he had dated one of my friends, I said I would as long as it was understood we'd just be going as friends, which worked out rather nicely. I felt I had met an amazing person as he just gave off very positive vibes and we got along great. He is in the military though and deploys overseas every few months and I had met him right before he was leaving for three months. We emailed a couple times while he was gone but nothing really serious.

When he got back we hung out a couple more times and he said he would like to see where things could go romantically. This presented a bit of a problem as I knew it would upset my friend even though she had a new boyfriend and she and I didn't really talk that much as we just have not been able to repair the friendship. He and I both decided it'd be worth it to see where things would go and so before I went on a date with him I told her what was going on and as predicted, it did not go over well. She is currently ignoring both of us. This ended up causing me a lot of stress for awhile as really, I did not want to hurt her feelings over this and I didn't know if my choice to accept going on a date with him was being selfish. I've never considered someone else's feelings other than the person I plan to date so much in a situation!

He is amazing though. He is probably the first person in a very long time who I have seriously talked about wanting to be in a relationship with and who wants that as the end result. He is incredibly attentive and romantic and quite the gentleman. I absolutely adore him and have not wanted to be around someone so much since my ex boyfriend from two years ago. I'm not quite used to having someone want to be in a serious relationship with me so fast as really we've only been dating for about a month and he's ready. As much as I want someone in my life who wants to be serious with me it also really scares me. I have gotten so used to things the way they are and I've been doing so well at focusing on me, I am so afraid I will get side tracked with him and lose myself. Also, it is just a very big change for me which takes some adjusting for me. I can't just jump into a relationship and he doesn't expect me to...I just know with people and relationships I move at a turtle's pace.

Anyway, I think this is partially the reason my moods have been so up and down because half the time I am just completely happy I've met someone so amazing and attentive and the other half of the time I am what-ifing situations and letting fear take over. So far he has been really good at dealing with the ups and downs and the anxiety but the fear part of me is just waiting for him to decide he can't deal. I don't want to feel this way, I want to just take things as they come and enjoy being able to spend time with someone so great yet I can't figure out how to just let go.

The bigger challenges are that he lives downtown on the tenth floor of his apartment. Not only am I still not completely comfortable with going downtown, I also hate HATE elevators. Funny though how much someone can motivate me as a couple of weeks ago I did make it to his apartment and...even got in the elevator....after hiking up the stairs and deciding I was not about to do that again. There are still times where I just can't do it though so we go to his friends apartment, which is still downtown but on the first floor. I even sat with him in the emergency room for two hours while he was getting stiched up after a misfortunate incident since he is apparently clumsy. After that, I was totally calm about things till this weekend. I'm not sure what changed but I not only had a hard time going downtown on Sat but I had a very hard time at Valentine's Day dinner which wasn't far from my house at all. And I refused to go downtown afterwards. It upset me way more than it even bothered him though. I'm quite curious to see how this all plays out. He deploys again in about a month till mid June.

Lastly, I lost a very long time friendship. He and I had been friends for about 7 years and this weekend he told me he just could not be my friend anymore as he had feelings and he knew I didn't share them. It was too difficult for him to be around me. It's heartbreaking to me as I did love him very much...just not in love or in the same way he felt for me. I feel like there is a big hole in my life now but I do understand where he is coming from, it just makes me incredibly sad to have to end such of long friendship.

Well, that is all. I hope everyone is doing well :)