R.I.P

So today I got the sad news that someone I know had passed away from cancer. I haven't seen him for about two years so I had no idea that he was sick in the first place. I would have been able to see him last summer if it wasn't for the agoraphobic state I'm in. I did not know him for too long and like I said, it has been awhile since I last saw him but I am very saddened to hear about his death. He was such a pleasure to be around and always so kind to everyone. I was always happy to see him. He is the second person to have passed away in the last year while I have been like this.

Last May, someone who I have known for many years passed away from a bike accident. I remember listening to the voice message on my phone (my friend had thought I already knew and so she just left a message about him!) and my heart just sank. I actually think that I had to sit down! I called her back without listening to the rest of the message and she told me what had happened. I was in shock for some time about it. After all, he had been riding for years and he was just such a big strong guy...Anyway, I hadn't talked to him for about 5 months because we were kind of taking a breather and I had just begun to really feel the affects of the agoraphobia. I guess I had always figured he would be around. I remember always wanting to give him a call but never doing it because I wasn't able to go out and do anything so I figured I'd wait until things were better. I think this is one of the biggest regrets that I have.

I am blessed to have so many good memories of him though. I think of him daily and it brings a smile to my face. Whenever I am watching Planet Earth, I always think of him. One of my favorite memories was hanging out at his house and lounging around, trading massages and watching Planet Earth together.

I also feel sad because this just reminds me of all that I could have done things differently towards both if I had not let fear step in and control my life. And that life really is not guaranteed. And I am not proud to say this, but the fact that it is still in control, and I wasn't able to attend either funeral. Ryan had so much positive energy and I swear, he wasn't afraid of a thing. I wish I had even half of his confidence. He definitely was not afraid to live and I always admired that about him. Jimbo had this cool calmness about him. I am grateful to have known both these people, as they were absolutely wonderful people to have known. They will both always be in my heart.