Passion

So today I was watching Planet Earth, which I have to say is probably one of my absolute favorites series on the Discovery channel. I love, love, love this show. I find it all so interesting and amazing. Plus, I used to watch it with an friend to unwind at night and it reminds me of him every time I watch it. He passed away almost a year ago and I miss him very much. It always brings a smile to my face, remembering memories with him. Well, I was watching the episode about caves, which is quite interesting seeing what dwells in some of the deepest caves. Nature is so amazing and beautiful. Anyway, there was a part in this episode where the crew was actually cliff jumping into these caves. The cave opening was...well a large hole in the ground that could hide the entire Empire state building (they actually said this on the show!) and these guys were just free falling into these cave openings with parachutes in order to get into the caves. Watching these men take a running jump into a large, dark cave posed one question in my mind. How do they do it? How do they just let go of all fears and literally dive into the unknown? How? I yearn for that sort of courage. And the passion they clearly have for what they do.


They would have occasional behind-the-scene look at what these people had to do in order to get these shots around the world for this series. After seeing this, I have a totally new appreciation for this series. I mean, after all to want a shot of an animal so much that these guys would spend a month in a cave full of bat dung with some absolutely creepy and intimidatingly large insects or hiding out in the forest for days on end to capture certain birds mating dance, well....if that is not determination, I don't know what is.

What passion for what they do! I am a huge believer in doing what you are passionate about. I really would love to find out what I am passionate about and be able to follow my dreams that coincide with my passions. I still do not know what I am passionate about though. There are lots of things that I really enjoy to do but after some time I tend to get bored. I want to find something that I am excited about every day I wake up! Something I really believe in.

Some times I think that this would help me a lot with my anxiety. I don't really have anything stable that I am working towards. Other than the obvious of course, which is freeing myself of this agoraphobic state! :) But I think that if I had something bigger than myself to fill up some of my day, something I was proud to be doing, it would help my confidence. I feel so unsure of myself and I tend to worry about how I present myself. I want to get to a point where I just believe in myself and my abilities and let go of worries about what other people think of me. I want to feel excited again. I want to get involved with something bigger than me, something outside of myself...which is kind of funny because I am also doing some deep soul searching inside.

I remember when I was working for an automotive shop in my area a few years ago. The owner was a friend of mine. I can't say that I was quite passionate for the job but I really did enjoy it because back then I was very much into cars and doing modifications. At the time, I really wanted to do the LS turbo on my little import car! However, I quickly learned how expensive and how much maintenance goes into a project like that, waaaay outside of my financial budget. It's never ending really. Anyway, I digress, back to the point. I had a lot of freedom in that job because all I did was make calls and set appointments and run errands and various other tasks around the shop. But I felt somewhat responsible because I also opened the shop and watched over things when he went out of town. It probably doesn't seem like a lot but I was certainly pretty happy around that time. I was living on my own for the first time and I did enjoy going to work most of the time.

Where I am at now, I don't feel quite ready to go out and start working again, or even voluenterring. I enjoy the art hobbies I've been doing but I'll be honest, since I am not working, hobbies really aren't a part of my budget at the moment. I want to build my confidence up and find passions but I am unsure of where to start with the way things are currently. Hmmm...