Long nights.

I am definitely a night owl. Have been for a long time. I used to really enjoy night time. It's peaceful and there are less distractions. Lately, night has been somewhat rough on me. I have just finally calmed down after being pretty upset and anxious for about 2 hours. My body feels totally drained yet I know I am not tired enough to fall asleep.

The past couple of months, when I start to feel anxious, I call a friend who I feel comfortable with. Talking to someone pretty much has been a guaranteed way to calm down. So at nights, when I know people are sleeping, I feel that I don't have that comfort of having someone to talk to me. Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who told me I can call him no matter what time. Even though he wakes up at 5:45 am. I still don't feel totally comfortable though because I'd hate to wake him up to talk to me to help me settle down. *sigh* I hope that he doesn't sleep through his alarm because I just cried his ear off for the last two hours because for some reason I am extra upset tonight.

My progress has still been pretty decent. Again, tonight I sat at the gym across the street from my house for about an hour doing homework and I did my drive twice today. I think it was something a friend said to me tonight. I know she didn't mean to scare me and frankly my confidence is pretty shaky so the slightest thing can upset me but we were talking about anxiety which she also has and she told me that another attack was inevitable. Well, in the back of my head I know this but for some reason it just really hit me when she said it. So I started to stress about all the things I'm not doing rather than the things I am and now I feel like I am not doing enough. I should be seeing a therapist but I haven't found one that does home visits that is covered by my insurance. Which runs out in three weeks. I feel like I need to be more prepared for when it happens...but really...how do you prepare for something like it? Sometimes I feel like I am on guard duty 24/7 thinking that it will help me.

I also think that I am frustrated with my living situation. I am happy to be at home and like to be around my family but due to another family member, I am not allowed to have people over. I am unsure of the exact reason because every time we try to discuss it she gets very upset. So I try to have people over when nobody is home, which is rare. Well, tonight she gets upset about people being over when she is not here even though she would never even know if I didn't tell her. I don't want to divulge into her personal issues too much because that is her business. We all have our own issues, I understand this and try to work with her. All of the contact I've had with friends is them coming over to hang out with my in my driveway or them stopping by for a short time when nobody is home. It'll be a long time before I can move back out and I do enjoy being around my family, it's just that her attitude towards me is very difficult. There's a lot more to it but I won't get into all that.

I think it is nights like these I wish I had someone to curl up next to who will tell me everything will be okay because let me tell you (and I'm sure most of you who read this already know anyway) I was just plain scared. I feel horrible because he'll probably only get about 2 hours of sleep, if that. I wish I was at a point where I was confident enough to be able to rely on myself to get through em. Sometimes I wonder what is worse, the anticipatory anxiety or the actual anxiety itself. Luckily, it's now the weekend so more people will be up late so that is a bit more comforting and I hope by Monday I will be a bit more confident about my nights.