Musings

I was thinking about my last post a bit today. Why exactly is it that I feel that I am any less lovable than the next person? I mean, I've had my share of moments that have contributed to it, I've been involved with guys who have told me they couldn't get serious with me because of the agoraphobia but why is it that Ive put someone opinion on such a pedestal? Why is it that in order to feel I am worthy of being loved, I need to have someone else love me? Is it some sort of proof that if someone else loves me then I must be lovable? Like, "Hey he loves me so I must be a good person to love!" Anyway, just more musing out loud.

One of my awesome friends dropped off a bunch of canvases to me the other day. I haven't been able to find any gallery style canvases at the art stores nearby so he picked some up for me which I really appreciated. Anyway, I've been working on a couple of paintings which has made me pretty happy and I'll probably post those up as soon as they are done. I have been chatting with a new photographer in town and we may get together on Friday for a small shoot. We'd just do the shoot outside around my house and it'd be short but I am totally excited that it might be a possibility. I very much miss being in front of the camera and so we'll see if by Friday I am still feeling confident enough to get together! I am getting to the point where I am feeling curious to see what I am able to do, how far I can go. I've noticed I am more willing to try some situations out than I wasn't willing to before. I am trying to just be more happy where I am rather than putting it off, saying "when this happens, then I will be happy or when the agoraphobia is gone then I will be happy." I want to be able to be happy in the moment because really, that is the only thing that is guaranteed.