Just another day.

I mentioned in one of my last posts that sometimes I felt that I wasn't sure if I went out because I wanted to or if I felt I needed too. I'm going to add to that, sometimes I wonder that if I went out as much as I could to escape being stuck at home since I had a lot more freedom to come and go as I pleased without the agoraphobia being in the way. Sometimes I feel like I am imprisoned in my house, which I am sure is how many agoraphobics feel. I am not allowed to have friends over, which has been rough on me, I am pretty social and I really love my friends. I love making a connection with people in my life. I finally got to a point where I just said "screw it" and started having people over at night when nobody would notice. I got caught and I understand it's my own fault for not obeying the house rules but sometimes I feel like I don't get cut any slack here.

Now, I didn't have my friends over behind their backs to be dishonest and sneaky. I did it because I was quite lonely and I figured as long as my sister (who is the reason for this rule) did not know, she couldn't really get upset about it. I am now not even allowed to have a therapist over to do home visits. I was told that if I want something bad enough I'll do it. "Afterall, you did manage to get your driver's license." Apparently I need to try harder to get over my problems yet my sister doesn't have to try at all. It's hard to explain without getting deeper into her issues but those are her issues and not mine to share here. And I feel like I do want it bad enough but my fear has a pretty strong hold on me still and I can't just override it with the snap of my fingers. When I hear that "you want it bad enough" line it always ends up making me feel like I am not doing enough.

I was also told that I have too many friends who allow me to be like this by coming over and bringing me things that are too far for me to get. Well, even if they did not do these things, I still wouldn't be at the point where I could just go out and do it. I want to get better so much and I am trying as much as I can without stressing myself out too much. I feel bad for saying this but I often feel like I get more support from my friends. Thank God for them helping me out through this time because I don't know where I would have been without them. I was in a bad place and I can't really imagine finding a worse place but that's probably where I would have been without my friends. I don't feel like by having friends help me out keeps me from going out. In fact, I think that one of the reasons that I have been pushing myself to get out more is because I've been seeing my friends more lately and I've been so happy. It's been giving me a reason to get out more, to be able to see them in a different setting. There are other reasons but since I've been seeing more people, I have noticed that my disposition on things has been much better.

On the bright side, I did make it out to the bar I tried to go to the other night. I only ended up staying for about ten minutes before it was too overwhelming but that is the first time I have stepped foot in a bar since...like last summer. I am still not comfortable in public places especially when they are busy and loud. My mom doesn't understand why I can't just go out and meet people at a coffee shop or whatever and it's because I'm not ready for that yet. Plus, I'd feel horrible if I called someone up to make plans to meet them somewhere then couldn't make it and had to cancel last minute or I had to run out after only being there for 5 minutes. I was told that it was kind of ironic that I was a part of a very introverted family yet I am so extroverted but I have agoraphobia that keeps me from being social and that in the meantime I would just have to suffer through it since people in the family have to suffer with my problems. Anyway, I am certainly glad I did make it out, even if it was just for ten minutes. In the end, I had a very nice night. I saw my friend again and well, let's just say I think that he is just "super delicious." :)